Page 7 | Dd15 having sex

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 2023-12-13T11:51:07+00:00

Just after some advice Dd15 has a lovely bf who is 17 He treats her nicely and is lovely to me and my younger son The other week she told me they had had sex. I made sure she had been safe (she had) and that he was respectful but I also told her that she is very young and also him being older is also an issue. I strongly tried to encourage her too wait until she's a bit older However emptying her bin and there are condoms in there. He is allowed in the house and in her room but they have to leave the door open. This clearly hasn't stopped them! It's only a small flat so they're either in her room or hanging out with me in the living room! It's freezing here so they go out for an hour but then want to be inside. If I tell her he's not allowed in her room I think she will either end up doing it outdoors or somewhere else. How do I navigate this without her thinking it's just all fine (or indeed is it all just fine??)

NoTouch · 13/12/2023 15:55

Foxesandsquirrels · 13/12/2023 15:44

Not sure the OP could win here really. Tons of 17 year olds are absolute assholes. My DDs 15 year old bf is very similar to what Op describes this boy as. They do exist. If they're assholes at 15.... they're often still assholes 1-2 years later I'm afraid.

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OP doesn't need to "win" anything. Just stay alert. If it does work out then great, but there is an imbalance in the relationship due to the different ages and it is something to keep a very close eye on.

CatMadam · 13/12/2023 16:04

Lorelaigilmore88 · 13/12/2023 12:50

I honestly think you need to be a lot firmer with her. You seem to have accepted it because its already happened.
I would be telling my daughter that I'm incredibly disappointed in her and teach her to value herself and her body and that so far you have trusted her to make the right decisions and you are disappointed that she hasn't.
And yes, if i couldn't be assured that she can't make the right decisions for herself i would not welcome him in my house.

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That would be a great way to stop your child from discussing things that are important to her with you. Having sex does not mean she doesn’t ’value herself and her body,’ what an outdated and sexist
thing to say.

wishmyhousetidy · 13/12/2023 16:31

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PersephonePomegranate23 · 13/12/2023 17:13

There would be no worry/trouble if he really was a nice lad, respected her being so much younger and underage and kept it in his pants until she was a bit older. Just do not let your guard down and keep an eye on her as she is too young if she gets out of her depth. I am only saying this as I have been there with my niece and her "lovely" boyfriend and they didn't even have a large age gap

Large age gap? He's 17, not 27! Girls generally mature earlier than boys. I don't think this is unusual.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 13/12/2023 17:26

CatMadam · 13/12/2023 16:04

That would be a great way to stop your child from discussing things that are important to her with you. Having sex does not mean she doesn’t ’value herself and her body,’ what an outdated and sexist
thing to say.

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I don't feel that teaching our daughters to value themselves is sexist at all. Its not doing them any favours at all to adopt this permissive attitude to underage sex. Like i said in my first post they have their whole lives to enjoy sex. You're unlikely to regret not having sex at 15, but you certainly may regret that you did. If that's old fashioned, happy to be so. I didn't have sex until i was 18 and I'm very glad about that.

CatMadam · 13/12/2023 17:40

Lorelaigilmore88 · 13/12/2023 17:26

I don't feel that teaching our daughters to value themselves is sexist at all. Its not doing them any favours at all to adopt this permissive attitude to underage sex. Like i said in my first post they have their whole lives to enjoy sex. You're unlikely to regret not having sex at 15, but you certainly may regret that you did. If that's old fashioned, happy to be so. I didn't have sex until i was 18 and I'm very glad about that.

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Again, having sex has nothing to do with valuing yourself.

SirChenjins · 13/12/2023 19:01

Lorelaigilmore88 · 13/12/2023 17:26

I don't feel that teaching our daughters to value themselves is sexist at all. Its not doing them any favours at all to adopt this permissive attitude to underage sex. Like i said in my first post they have their whole lives to enjoy sex. You're unlikely to regret not having sex at 15, but you certainly may regret that you did. If that's old fashioned, happy to be so. I didn't have sex until i was 18 and I'm very glad about that.

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I presume that what you really mean is that you’re glad you had sex for the first time with someone that you loved, not that you were some arbitrary age.

Pookerrod · 13/12/2023 21:45

Lorelaigilmore88 · 13/12/2023 17:26

I don't feel that teaching our daughters to value themselves is sexist at all. Its not doing them any favours at all to adopt this permissive attitude to underage sex. Like i said in my first post they have their whole lives to enjoy sex. You're unlikely to regret not having sex at 15, but you certainly may regret that you did. If that's old fashioned, happy to be so. I didn't have sex until i was 18 and I'm very glad about that.

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I valued myself when I was a teen and was having sex. I was having great sex which I thoroughly enjoyed. Sometimes it was outside because, you know, parents 😱

Uurrjb · 13/12/2023 21:52

All the 😂 faces..,what’s that about?? Oh yeah the bins!
Children under the age of consent having sex is funny? Wtf?

Guavafish1 · 14/12/2023 07:51

Agree, pill/implant

ohdamnitjanet · 14/12/2023 07:54

Foxesandsquirrels · 13/12/2023 12:01

I can see your point about the bin thing but it always makes me laugh when parents are so adamant their 15 year old would never ever have sex at 15.

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Exactly. Kids have been having sex at 15 since forever. Doesn’t matter whether anyone thinks they should or not, they absolutely will.

ohdamnitjanet · 14/12/2023 07:55

adriftabroad · 13/12/2023 12:16

We clearly raise our daughters differently.

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She just wouldn’t tell you.

ohdamnitjanet · 14/12/2023 08:07

NoClueWhatImDoing1 · 13/12/2023 12:18

but regardless of what i have or havent done im just wondering what the best steps going forward are?
i will obviously make sure she is on contraception, but letting them hang out in her room feels like im giving permission, but if i dont they are going to be going out doing it god knows where? but maybe thats better i dont know

As a 15/16 yr old in the 70’s by bf was never allowed in my room, but we managed to have sex in other places. Things are very different now and all my sons friends, male and female, use their bedroom as a social space, tv, games room etc. for friends of both sexes. It’s the new normal.
I’m not suggesting you should like your daughter being sexually active, but I think it’s a credit to you she trusts you and feels safe telling you. Not lovely leaving used condoms in her bin, ( not the end of the world though ) but she’s not hiding anything from you. They will have sex somewhere and although you can’t explicitly give permission I don’t think you should change what you’re doing. I think you’re a great mum and all the posters who think their children aren’t having or trying to have sex are delusional. Teens lie all the time and are very very good at it. Your daughter doesn’t need to lie because she trusts you.

Blendiful · 14/12/2023 08:36

I think the main thing to take from this is, she told you. Whilst others may not advise letting in the bedroom etc etc. it doesn't stop teenagers!! They will find a way!

She told you, which means you can help, look at a better form of contraception, and keep the lines of communication open.

You have advised her correctly re being young and age difference etc, it's not going to stop them but you are right to make her aware.

WandaWonder · 14/12/2023 08:51

Have you asked outright, you think you are safe what happens if you get pregnant? Or other issues

Horrace · 14/12/2023 21:51

Whilst this is a serious matter for the OP. And I have been in a very similar situation myself so understand completely the pain of this parent. I have to say that this thread kept me entertained all last night and most of today when I was supposed to be working.
The total lunacy of so many posters here missing the point completely and frothing at the mouth about a teen not emptying her bin has made me weak.
I've managed to persuade two pals at work to join mumsnet because of this thread.
I think its a nominee for classics personally.

P.S. hope u r feeling calmer OP. It does get easier x

bananablues · 14/12/2023 22:18

She's a child. She's got her whole life to enjoy having sex.

She is a child legally BUT her generation have had sex and sexuality, in all its different forms, shoved in their faces from such a young age these days by 15 it is almost expected. tbh they are expected to have a defined gender and sexuality by the time they leave primary school so by the time they are vaguely in puberty they will not think anything of having sex.

As long as they both understand consent and use effective contraception 100% I am not sure there is much more you can do.

SirChenjins · 15/12/2023 09:00

BUT her generation have had sex and sexuality, in all its different forms, shoved in their faces from such a young age these days by 15 it is almost expected. tbh they are expected to have a defined gender and sexuality by the time they leave primary school so by the time they are vaguely in puberty they will not think anything of having sex

It's not expected that 15 year olds will have sex, nor are they expected to have a defined gender or sexuality. Some 15 year olds are having sex, others aren't. A handful are making a big noise about gender but most aren't. It might come as a surprise to some posters on here, but the majority are just getting on with life - friends, exams, hobbies, family life, bfs/gfs are all part and parcel of the average teen's existence. Plus ça change.

ObliviousCoalmine · 15/12/2023 09:17

@adriftabroad

Not one of your replies has been even vaguely sane.

wishmyhousetidy · 15/12/2023 17:39

bananablues · 14/12/2023 22:18

She's a child. She's got her whole life to enjoy having sex.

She is a child legally BUT her generation have had sex and sexuality, in all its different forms, shoved in their faces from such a young age these days by 15 it is almost expected. tbh they are expected to have a defined gender and sexuality by the time they leave primary school so by the time they are vaguely in puberty they will not think anything of having sex.

As long as they both understand consent and use effective contraception 100% I am not sure there is much more you can do.

This is totally spot on.
It is not poor parenting that means children are having sex it is because the internet, social media and society sadly in general have made it almost expected in their minds that they should have sex at very young ages.

SirChenjins · 15/12/2023 17:53

And what was expected in our minds when we were having sex in our mid teens pre-internet?

wishmyhousetidy · 15/12/2023 18:07

I hear what you are saying and teens have always had sex but I do think it is more prevalent now and I do believe internet has normalised sex at a younger age- Only an opinion..

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2023 18:15

wishmyhousetidy · 15/12/2023 18:07

I hear what you are saying and teens have always had sex but I do think it is more prevalent now and I do believe internet has normalised sex at a younger age- Only an opinion..

The stats actually suggest the complete opposite. With the advent of the internet and FaceTime, there is no need to meet up as regularly. So many more ‘relationships’ are happening online rather than face to face. Teens overall are having sex later. Teenage pregnancy has halved. Ok, part of that is more girls taking contraception but that’s only part of the story.

wishmyhousetidy · 15/12/2023 18:27

That’s really interesting. I knew teen pregnancy was slightly lower but put that down to contraception rather than abstinence. Maybe their knowledge of sex and pornography seems totally different to mine at a similiar age but maybe you are right and they are not actually having sex. It’s not scientific I know but when I was 15 very very few of my friends had had sex and from my experience of young teens I know many more have. But like I said it’s not a scientific study!

SirChenjins · 15/12/2023 18:31

wishmyhousetidy · 15/12/2023 18:07

I hear what you are saying and teens have always had sex but I do think it is more prevalent now and I do believe internet has normalised sex at a younger age- Only an opinion..

The average age for having sex for the first time in the UK is actually 17 - which is about the same as it was when we were all at it in the 80s.