Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

@Libre2

Bless him. He probably needs to come to terms with that change in his lifestyle and hold Some anger and sadness he can't express.

My son can be stroppy and aggressive particularly if hungry but I guess testosterone surges are to blame. Generally tho he is my easier child and he is more like Me in personality so I find him easier than my dd who can be very difficult with mood swings anxiety and secretive behaviour.
Sometimes she is a joy tho.

It's such a hard age 💐

Sorry to hear that @Ollieharriet. We’re having lots of tough times like that too. DD is also 13. I’ve mentioned this on here before I think but the one thing that helps is my own counselling. I’ve seen my counsellor for years (mostly discussing my children!) and feel like having somewhere to really feel listened to and process my own feelings means that I can handle DD’s emotions better without taking them on so much. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very anxious about it, and especially the self harm that I’ve just found this weekend, but I feel in control of myself, even though not of her.
When it’s really hard, I do insist on being with her. She eventually talks! I don’t know how much longer I’ll get away with that though. I have to be really in control of myself then, telling myself that she is a child and I love her and that’s what matters. If not, I’m prone to going off on a rant about the state of her room!

I need help with taking her phone at night. She took advantage of a situation a few months ago and ended up with more access than we’d planned. Now she claims she can’t sleep without it and we’re ‘taking away the one thing that lets me survive the anxiety of night time’. I don’t really know what to do with this and know I need to remove it. I’m worried about her threatening more self harm now, as she says that’s when she’s anxious. She used to listen to audiobooks but now won’t entertain anything other than her phone. It seems to be youtube videos (innocuous from her history, but I don’t know for sure). I’m really upset with myself for letting this happen.

@parrotonmyshoulder I can 100% relate to your message and I think I do need counselling. I didn't mention finding empty cans of monster drinks in her room along with a huge amount of uneaten lunches hidden in a drawer. She had a meltdown one night when I took her phone as she can't sleep without music. Crying, shaking and very distressed. She leaves the phone outside her door at night and listens to music on headphones but I worry how it is affecting her sleep. I worry too about self harm so was probably pussyfooting around her but realised I need to get a bit 'tougher' if that's the right word and be the parent. She is very clever around hiding things on her phone and I suspect she has an insta page in a different name that I can't prove. I'm so concerned about her as it is all new to me. I wish she was small again, life was so much easier. I had no issues at all with her older siblings so it is a real shock. My thoughts are with you all. X

I know this is probably really obvious, but have you tried getting her to research the effects of blue light on sleep? DS (at the moment) is fairly compliant about screens before bed. We can’t physically take away his phone (which drives me crazy) because he has to have it for blood glucose, but it shuts down at 7.30pm for everything other than diabetes related tedium. He is ok with this because he knows it’s terrible for his mental health to have it late into the night.

It passes. More in waves than in a linear fashion.l nowhere near out of the woods yet but dd is 14 and it's better than a year ago. School counselling has helped. We had the music/phone thing too. She now recognises the need for a wind down, it's such a touch journey. My eldest tried to take his own life 2 months ago so it's been pretty intense. Don't give up. There is light x

How are everyone's Christmas plans coming on?

Kids are more chilled as off school but sleeping way to late and staying up to late.

Hard as dh and I still working and getting up for dog etc.

This thread really helps me so I am bumping really to keep it going.

I also find it helpful. I’m sorry so many are similarly stressed. My eldest DD has been ok this week by which I mean average - there are friendships issues and eating is always a struggle but overall good. I give her a decent fish oil and multi vitamin and I really helps. I recommend

I think my 11 year old is becoming hormonal. Joy!!!

Yuck - hideous day today - all DS wanted to do was game. We suggested time off but his friends are allowed on “all day”. He also wants to be allowed to download Call of Duty - he is not even 14. All his friends have it, of course. Managed to get him out for a dog walk this evening and we walked for over an hour - he mellowed towards the end but spent the first part telling me how crap I am as a parent. He and DH then fell out again this evening as DH said he was not prepared to start discussing COD again.

If I am honest, I am so disappointed DS has become like this and I am sure my disappointment is showing.

Having a break from the challenging world of school / homework / tests / friendship issues

i’ve been trying to process all the stress from the past term -
I feel wrung out !!

so hoping we can keep things more settled next term, trying to think ahead about how to mitigate / minimise the stressful issues
whilst also trying to heal from last term !

Not posting much as I feel DD13 isn't doing too badly lately. I think she didn't say "I hate you" for the past few weeks and looks happier. She went through an awful time all through the summer before starting secondary school. She started some therapy from early September and seems to be working, she is sleeping well, she is content and more balanced. Or maybe this is a good patch.
DD is not good at socialising at school, or know how to, she hasn't made any friends yet but at least more settled.
Happy Christmas everyone. I like this group. x

Thanks for bumping. This thread just feels really supportive, unlike many I stumble across!
I managed to get DD to do an online counselling session with me the other night. It’s a local thing, single session therapy but you can do more if needed/ useful. She found it excruciatingly difficult but managed to stay with it. It was good advice, around understanding anxiety and how to manage it. But she doesn’t want to engage it helping herself - she just wants it to ‘go away’. So any conversations about what to do to support herself just end with ‘It doesn’t matter, nothing will change, I’ll just be like this forever’.
I suppose it’s just a case of drip feeding, picking up on the days she’s feeling positive, me not dwelling on the negative too much. The advice we got was quite practical, not too much about analysing feelings.

@CandyLeBonBon sorry to hear about your oldest, hope you are ok. I am so glad for this group too. I'm tired having to be constantly on alert with my dd whilst working and running the family home. Her mood has been better this week but she took to her room last night, sitting in the dark and very upset because I was late collecting her. It was my fault , I mixed up times and apologised a number of times but I was shut out. I was straight back into worrying about her - is she self- harming etc? I can't see any evidence but I saw something she had written in her journal about this and I did try to talk to her but she denied it / won't talk about anything. I'm in work today, feeling so down which is not like me.

It's hard, never thought it would be. I feel less alone reading all these posts!

My dd, 15, is a breeze.

My ds, 17, has suffered from increasingly worse anxiety, ocd and bouts of depression which involved 4.5 months of self harm. He has completed a course of cbt which has given him strategies and yesterday he said that he doesn't self harm any more, which is such a relief and long may it last. Combined with hormones/generally struggling to grow up, it's been a testing time for all of us and we are no where over it yet, but we do have hope for the future.

I take heart in other posts where kids have grown past this hard stage and become lovely young people - we need to have something to hold on to!

Win today. family day with relatives today. Games and good humour. As soon as home they are off but that's fine. They have earned it.

Dd driving me mad tho going to sleep soooo late and then sleeps late. Never ending cycle she needs to break and claims she has insomnia.

I'm inclined to think it's of her own doing sleep late bed late and so it rolls on. Infuriating

Thread is quiet. That either means we’re all too worn down by them to post, or things are going okay!
I’ve organised all of Christmas around what DD can manage. She’s not joining in with much (offer is always made). I have a feeling that she will claim it’s been ‘boring’ but she doesn’t want to do anything!
However, I’m not feeling too drawn into how she’s feeling and have had a nice few days with DH, parents and DS, with DD enjoying her presents and the food. Watched a few films together, had a nice lunch with her in town on Christmas Eve.

Hope other parents of teens are okay.

We survived. Like a PP I haven’t forced any fun, teen DS has mostly been in his room
but did appear for lunch and presents. Suggested he take the dog for a walk today, you can imagine how that went! Nearly teen #2 has been lovely as she has had loads to
do and no school. I wish it could be like this all the time…

Can I join? My DD has been revising all day between watching Wednesday and eating chocolates on the sofa and getting the hump as her RS revision book has all the option topics and not just the ones she is doing - this is all my fault apparently.

I suggested that she should cross out the catholic questions and just answer the Islam ones - but that was met with a hump.

I asked her if she wanted lamb sandwiches or a lamb curry and she said yes twice.

she’s also wanting the heating up as she is cold in a onesie and under her duvet - it’s 22 degrees so no.

Everything is too much of an effort.

Today is a good day. Though she hasn’t screamed or thrown things around.

I don’t feel ok! Christmas has emphasised even more how horribly I feel oldest DD treats me and it’s just so hard. I‘m utterly worn out by it all and feel I have nothing left to give. Even I had, I’m feeling so resentful of giving everything to her anyway. She just seems to want to ruin every nice day we have. Just been told that I’m looking for things to pick on. Snapped back that I don’t have to look that hard and wish I hadn’t said that but really could do with a break from her negativity.

It's been a mixed bag

Dd been ok but stayed up
Most of xmas eve night so was a zombie all xmas morning and didn't perk up till lunch.

Ds was fine xmas day and good fun

Xmas eve was ok but dh caused a row over dd not writing my card till last minute which was upsetting. He finds their behaviour much harder than me and it causes more issues then necessary. Like having another teen sometimes

Today was fine on the whole

Sigh.

In some
Ways I want then at school and dh at work. In others I don't.

i need to see this today.

at my wits end my 14 year old girl is continuously breaking the rules.

after stealing alcohol smoking weed smoking and vaping in October half term. She was grounded for a month. Come home 17th December stoned. Again no phone and grounded.

has managed to get Facebook on her TV - taken the TV remote.

last night found a phone she had stolen from the drawer read through the messages to see she has been stealing money off me and her dad for weeks.

no respect for me and her dad at all. Not so much slagging us off to her friends but like we are stupid.

she is now in a relationship with a boy who self harms, smokes weed and does not attend school!

HELP

@user1481811146 that must be so hard for you having to watch her and check on her all the time. The lack of respect must be so upsetting? Does she talk to you at all? Are her friends acting the same way?

Being away from school pressures and friendship pressures and the pressures of having to look a certain way and all that -
means things have been more settled !!!!
just a few days left before the new year / new term and whatever that will bring makes
me anxious 😕

Game of two halves here. Up to and around Christmas was lovely. Lots of time as a family and good moods. Last couple of days, have barely seen her - back to everything being about her friends - and hardly communicating when we have. DH thinks I'm overthinking it - just normal teen behaviour. Do wonder if some of it is my insecurities (takes me back to being a left out uncool teen). Obviously that's my stuff not hers, but it takes me to a very low place. And then I feel worse because I know lots of people (including lots of you here) have way more serious things to deal with. Oh well, onwards...

Why is teaching this age group practical stuff, such as tidying up, using the washing machine etc and them having access to interesting non fiction books, met with such resistance?
Why is being a slob and only interested in crap on the internet preferable?
This is what I'm seeing at home.
What is the solution to change this attitude?

@AlwaysSomethingWithTeens

I know what you mean. Dd now Pre period week so is pretty moody. Sleeping late going to bed late. I'm stressing about her sleep cycle for this time next week!!

Plus she is working New Year's Day.

Was nice upto xmas day then we get the pmt switch. Xmas day ok with her nice with others. Since then slobbing around hasn't showered No sign of homework I'm keeping silent.

Want to scream but can't. Aghhhh.

So
Glad for this thread.