I have a Sexually Active Teen and I’m gutted.

[shmiz]

Dd just completed year 9 age 14
her boyfriend of around 4 months just finished year 10 age 15
first proper relationship for both of them
spending loads of time together - lots of laughing, ‘he’s like my best friend’ etc they watch movies and play on the trampoline…

I have spoken to DD loads (I thought) about sex / relationships / consent / legal issues etc
She Today has told me that they had unprotected sex twice in last month
and the stress of possible pregnancy has been unbearable and that is why she is now telling me
She’s had a period since

I’m in shock - she’s so young, I feel guilty that This has happened on my watch
i have allowed her to have door closed when he’s over
I’ve left them in the house alone knowingly - I’ve let her down.

I'm glad she has told me of course and what I’ve done is:
thanked her for telling me
asked about consent / coercion issue
emphasised there are other ways to be close / intimate etc
she’s very young for a sexual relationship and it’s better to wait
this relationship will end at some point - be aware of that
NO nude pictures - ever ever ever
unprotected sex is absolutely NOT on - I really thought she would know that - she said it just happened in the moment

plan -
to get pregnancy test for her and condoms
keep talking to her about all of the above

I feel so bad / guilty and ashamed -
I can’t tell my friends, none of their similar age kids are in relationships they will judge me / her -

feeling like a bit of a failure and trying to put things right but now she’s crossed that bridge there is no going back - gutted.

Hey, you communicate with her - that’s no failure. Hell would have frozen over before I’d ever have discussed my sex life with my mum.

Just keep talking, take her for the Pill, stress the risks of STDs and again, keep talking.

You sound like a great mum.

You sound like an amazing mum, you've done everything you can do to support your daughter.
My my was exactly the same, I still as a teen had sex at 14, but I was able to speak to my mum. I think that's so important, you're doing amazing!!

Oh thank you for responding !
it all feels so overwhelming and I’m struggling to process what she’s told me today - and having to reconcile for myself how I’ve been lax ….

does she need to go on the pill ? Are condoms good enough ???
I can’t my head around even having to think of this - it’s happened way quicker than I thought it would …

As PP has said, you are an amazing mum. That is not an easy conversation to have but you have done it exactly right.

Remember teens are by their nature risk takers, so don't beat yourself up about the fact that your DD took a risk. We all make mistakes, and teens are more likely to make mistakes than adults.

Condoms and the pill I'd say.
Condoms can break , they might not put it on in time.

Yeah I agree. Condoms and the pill.

I have twins who both at age 14 came to me to tell me they were sexually active with their first boyfriends. I explained contraception one opted for the pill one opted for the coil.
I'm so happy they came to me and had the sense to worry about contraception.
If they can't come to you with the small stuff, they will never come to you about the big stuff.
You sound like a wonderful mother Op
💐

Mine are now in their 20's and I can honestly say I'm so proud of the beautiful intelligent young women they've become.
And thank the lord I'm not a nanna yet 👵🏼

You are clearly doing something right as she has talked to you. So stop panicking that you are a failure. Theres no childcare fir secondary aged kids and work/life does of course entail that they cannot he supervised 24/7.

They would have found a way.

Keep the likes.of communication open and make sure she knows she can call you any time day and night if she gets into trouble.

Fuck anyone who judges you. I'm.sure there are plenty of parents ( myself included ) that have no idea what their teens get up to because you just can't be there every second of every day and because although there needs to obviously be boundaries there also needs to be some trust because neither of you can live like that if there isn't.

💐🍺🍸🍷🍰☕

Sounds like you're handling this pretty well under the circumstances.

Unwanted pregnancy is a serious risk that they both need to be aware of, although it only affects the girl and can be absolutely life-buggering.

They're just kids, and they have no clue that they are playing with fire.

Boys are rarely reliable when it comes to getting their rocks off.

Are you planning on speaking to the boyfriend? Are his parents aware that they are having sex?

Are you a 2 parent household? (Just wondering if your daughter's dad is around.)

Well done for being unjudgy and dealing with this in a sensible way. Hopefully she's scared herself silly and won't put herself at risk again. I'd suggest a GP appointment to discuss contraceptive options which you can offer to attend with her

I was a sexually active teen myself (also 14, boyfriend 15 when we had sex) and have no regrets. Some just mature younger than others, it's absolutely not the end of the world and doesn't reflect on your parenting at all! You sound like a brilliant mum because she's felt comfortable enough to approach you for help :) with the legal age for sex being 16 in the UK she's not exactly far off it, I know by the time myself and my friends turned 16 there was hardly anyone left who hadn't already had sex. As long as she doesn't feel pressured and she's happy with her choices then I don't see an issue, as long as she's using contraception and/or is ready to take responsibility for a pregnancy that could occur from it x

You’ve definitely been doing the right thing for her to talk to you.

Yes the pill is a good idea (and condoms).

I don’t really have any advice OP but just wanted to say you sound like you’re doing a brilliant job, please don’t beat yourself up at all. If my children feel able to confide in me like yours has one day I’ll be very happy- you should be proud of the way you’ve handled things.

Condoms are okay but I'd reccomend a 2nd form of contraception just incase. Doesn't have to be the pill, there are tonnes of options! I find the easiest and least invasive is the depo injection, you only need it once every 12 weeks whereas you have to remember to take a pill every day x

It's great that she told you. It's not ideal that they had unprotected sex - do you know whether the boy has had sex before? If not, and they are likely to be monogamous, then hormonal contraception will be enough (though don't tell her that, they should develop the habit of using condoms) but I wouldn't go for the pill I would get her the implant or injections. The pill is too easy to forget.

It’s not the end of the world however the unprotected sex bit has to stop right now, get her on the pill so there’s no room for error. 14 year olds had sex when I was younger and will continue to these days. I was 15 just shy of 16 so not too far off however I knew plenty of girls that were younger than me. Don’t be strict on her as she will more than likely not tell you anything in the future and go behind your back. Keep doing what you’re doing x

The fact they’ve had unprotected sex twice makes me think condoms will not be enough. They are effective but only if used correctly which I would doubt their ability to do considering they’ve not used any protection either time so far. I would definitely get her on the pill, at least you can ensure she is taking that effectively by monitoring when she takes it each day. Ideally they would be using condoms and the pill.

Just be warned that the implant does not work for everyone - it made me bleed constantly and made me really really moody and anxious. Probably not want you want to add into the mix with a teen. I had to wait 6 weeks until I could have it taken out again. So annoyed that I had my arm sliced open twice in a couple of months for nothing. Obviously it does work well for some.

I feel what you are going through.

My daughter is the same age and has started sleeping with her boyfriend. They have been together a couple of years but I still feel it's too young.

I have got her an implant fitted and we have spoken about how I feel she is too young and to never feel pushed into anything etc.

My SD is also 14 and has had sex with her boyfriend. I don't know why they are all in such a rush!

Just keep communication open and try not to be judgmental even if you feel it. It's good that she could come to you!

Well this brings back memories!

If MN had existed 15 years ago I would have been you. I can’t add to anything you have said, that was me and DD now 30.

DD did get pregnant at 18 after original scare at 14. I now have a lovey 11 year old DGD.

Would I have done differently ? - closed bedroom door, leaving them in the house alone. I can’t so do not ponder it.

DD and I have always had brilliant relationship, I supported her 100% and always will.

She is now in long term, loving relationship, graduated from uni, owns own home. I am now grandma of 2.

Do discuss contraception with her, she may not feel confident enough to get this for herself.

She and boyfriend made decision to have sex, get to know him. Speak to him about contraception.

The relationship lasted 5 years. He is still a member of our family and good dad to DGD.

Try not to be to hard on yourself. What is important is that you continue to nurture a wonderful relationship with DD.

Good luck!

Condoms and the pill.

I would also be arranging an STD test. Partly because anything is possible and partly because it will help her understand how important being protected is.

It's so difficult but I think you have handled it really well OP

Brook Advisory Centres are geared up to advising on sexual health for young people, having their own nurses and counsellors and providing a whole range of support. They are often the first port of call for teens rather than visiting GP or NHS clinics. Their website is useful too.

I remember being the old maid virgin at 16, all my friends had been sexually active for years! It's pretty normal.

I would get her to the std clinic though, he may be best friends with her but if he's not respectful enough to use protection then he may have other girls on the go or may have had previous relationships. It would also be good for her to be aware of why she needs to check, and memories of sitting in the waiting room may help quell that 'in the moment' compulsion.

Wow - cheers folks that is SO helpful !!
first timers for both of them
I'm not sure how I’m going to look at the young man without flapping if he pops over today - let alone think about talking to him about it all yet, need to process and talk with DD and consider that at a later date …
need to act fast with getting condoms and will talk to her about pill / implant etc
yes her dads with us, he works away weekdays, she’s asked me not to tell him because it’s embarrassing, I’ll let him but make it clear he isn’t to broach it with her, as that may jeopardise her talking to me and I don’t want to break her confidence but dad needs to know to support me !!!

Great that she was able to come to you and how you responded.
Sorry you don’t feel you can get support from your friends, why do you think they would judge you/her? A real friend wouldn’t.
Did she want to have sex and want to continue? Agree it’s a lot to cope with emotionally and she is about to go into GCSE years. If she does, can she get specialist advice from a local young person’s clinic? Likely they would advise contraceptive implant as far more effective (& lower health risk than pill), plus condoms.