I have a Sexually Active Teen and I’m gutted.

[shmiz]

Dd just completed year 9 age 14
her boyfriend of around 4 months just finished year 10 age 15
first proper relationship for both of them
spending loads of time together - lots of laughing, ‘he’s like my best friend’ etc they watch movies and play on the trampoline…

I have spoken to DD loads (I thought) about sex / relationships / consent / legal issues etc
She Today has told me that they had unprotected sex twice in last month
and the stress of possible pregnancy has been unbearable and that is why she is now telling me
She’s had a period since

I’m in shock - she’s so young, I feel guilty that This has happened on my watch
i have allowed her to have door closed when he’s over
I’ve left them in the house alone knowingly - I’ve let her down.

I'm glad she has told me of course and what I’ve done is:
thanked her for telling me
asked about consent / coercion issue
emphasised there are other ways to be close / intimate etc
she’s very young for a sexual relationship and it’s better to wait
this relationship will end at some point - be aware of that
NO nude pictures - ever ever ever
unprotected sex is absolutely NOT on - I really thought she would know that - she said it just happened in the moment

plan -
to get pregnancy test for her and condoms
keep talking to her about all of the above

I feel so bad / guilty and ashamed -
I can’t tell my friends, none of their similar age kids are in relationships they will judge me / her -

feeling like a bit of a failure and trying to put things right but now she’s crossed that bridge there is no going back - gutted.

This is, I realise, hardly helpful in 2022, but Shakespeare's Juliet was considered quite old enough to marry at 14: girls do become sexually active in their mid-teens, and it's natural, not a criticism of your perfectly good parenting. As a former teacher, we found our problem was trying to talk them out of pregnancies so they could drop out of boring education.

Giving birth at 15 will fuck up her body more…

My feeling is that your not to happy with her, him or this situation.

Tell her boyfriend in front of your daughter that if he wants to have sex with your daughter that you will be ringing his parents to tell them this. Tell him as well that if he is old enough to have sex he won't mind them knowing this. Ask him would he like to be a dad at his age or would his parents be happy to support a grandchild?
Her boyfriend just wants condom less sex and he really has not thought of what could happen. I think if you said this to him he be out of your daughter's life very quickly.

Your daughter won't be happy over this but in reality she has unprotected sex at 14 and has had no regards of what the outcome could ended up as. She could have come to you and asked about contraception but instead she had sex with no condoms/pill ect.

I tell her that if she is grown up enough to have sex she needs to accept that she has to consider the results. Tell her you don't want her getting pregnant, getting hiv or an sti which all could have a major impact on her life. Instead you want her to concentrate on school, do well in her exams and have a choice of further education choices. With a good education she has a better chance of a good job and the wages to afford the things she likes.

The reality is that you want her to have a life before she has kids and you don't want to end up bringing up her child.

I also tell her as well that if she wants to have sex you need to sort out the injection or implant and it's important that she uses condoms as well to prevent getting an sti or hiv.
She is a teenager and she may forget the pill or it may not work if she got sick ect.
Tell her unless she is willing to do as you ask you will be chatting to her father about her and her boyfriend.

My feeling here is that your daughter may have gotten a bit of well if you like me we do it or all of our friends are doing it. She might not want to have sex with him but lacks the confidence or self awareness to say no to him. They have already had unprotected sex so it shows a lack of maturity/care/responsibility on both their parts to what could happen re sti or pregnancy.
The sad fact is that if your daughter got pregnant that you be left dealing with this situation and that having a baby or going through an abortion as a teenager is not easy.

That is just as terrible as the advice to not use condoms!

WTF is wrong with people?

There are better contraceptive options. It's not terrible to acknowledge the pill has bad side effects.

While in no way suggesting that would be a good thing, that simply isn’t true.

OP, I can understand why you're upset. I only have a young child so can't offer experience from a parent perspective.

But my immediate thoughts are that 14 is very young. Some PP say that some people mature earlier. Fine, but the fact your daughter has had unprotected sex - twice - suggests she is not mature at all. If she and her boyfriend had talked about this and planned it they would have had contraception arranged. Is there the possibility she now feels out of her depth - in a situation she can't get out of in that sex is now an expectation and that she came to you for help?

She needs to fully understand the potential consequences of having sex. Contraception needs to be arranged. As no method is 100% effective she and her boyfriend need to understand that sex can lead to pregnancy even when contraception is used. She needs to have an STD check and to understand that condoms don't protect against all STDs. These are big consequences for a 14 year old to understand.

FWIW from my experience of my own and others teenage years, those who were happiest tended to be those who prioritised friendships, hobbies and school over relationships (not saying this is true in every case). Those who had high aspirations and self-worth/confidence were the most mature in my eyes. Not those who were engaging in sex or drugs or alcohol at young ages (who probably thought of themselves as mature and probably thought their behaviour was normal as it was common in their circles - but it certainly wasn't in our wider year group).

Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

NC: "Do NOT put your daughter on the pill. No need to fuck up her body whilst she is still a child."

Still a child. Exactly!

I wasn't commenting on the pill issue there. Just that she IS a child, part.

What is the boyfriend like? He doesn't sound mature, considering he didn't care, twice, about him becoming a dad!

Is she interested in school? Going to uni? Would she have an abortion?

One of the conversations I’d be having is to explain why this shouldn’t be kept a secret from her father. If embarrassment is the only reason dad has as much right to know. I’d put it to her that telling him that you’d got pregnant would be a lot more embarrassing than this. Everyone telling OP not to share this, how would you like it if the roles were reversed? I’d feel betrayed if my DH kept something like this from me about one of our children. The OP is level headed and wants the best for her DD, I’m sure dad is the same.

@Amantha00 and @EarringsandLipstick

I think you are both correct. In Ireland it is quite unusual to become sexually active at 14. In the UK your teen is ‘weird’ if they aren’t going to lots of parties at 14.

Both are your experiences. I’m quite grateful that I bring my DC up in Ireland. We’re not religious at all but I would still hate for them to be sexually active at 14. It’s too young

if both are underage i would question how any law is being broken, neither of them can legally consent, so its either both of them or neither of them.

Once the Bf has his next birthday that's when it gets into statutory rape territory as he will be 16 and she will be 14/15

@Scepticalwotsits statutory rape is when either party is under the age of consent or both

So doesn't matter when one of them hits 16

Not that it would ever be considered a crime as the law isn't there to punish two teens consenting to sex

And she's already had sex and is clearly happy with her choice and felt ready. What would you suggest? Locking her up till she's 16? Making her wear a chastity belt? Clearly you don't have teenagers yourself or you're far too old to remember ever being one 🤔

Thats sweet that you think grounding them and "banning" boys will stop them from having sex 😂 they'll still have sex, it'll just be somewhere unsafe like the woods...

Thisssss ^

Not that it would ever be considered a crime as the law isn't there to punish two teens consenting to sex

I just hope that she doesn’t regret it with hindsight, I have friends that ‘consented’ believing at the time it was something that they wanted to do but years later they realise they really didn’t have the capacity at 14 and wish they’d waited. What’s done is done and the OP is dealing with this well but the amount of people who seem to think this is the norm is shocking. It of course happens but it’s not the norm as children at 14 are known to exaggerate, saying they’re more experienced than they really are. As parents we shouldn’t accept 14 as the norm else where does it end. Just because others might be sexually active doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be discouraging our children.

Yes but 25 is a ridiculous age to start having smears. You can get married at 16 or 18 depending on area. Even the people disgusted at the thought of 14/15 year olds having sex started having sex well before 25. That's a separate issue and down to lack of public funds. I think all women should be offered it from at least 17.

smears are offered form 21 in Scotland which is interesting.

Are you saying that your daughter is out of your control at 14? Why be sarky about chastity belts and locking your girl up as if that would be the only way to make her behave?
Children will not die if they leave sex alone until they are 16.if it were up to me and I thought it could be enforced, I'd raise the A of C to 18; and I would come after parents who conspired with a child to break the law

@shmiz Your DD might feel like she’s being bombarded with everything now she has confided in you but one thing I would really stress is sending and receiving intimate pictures or clips as the chances are pretty high (especially amongst teenagers) that they are going to be shared. In my job we daily receive calls from parents of children usually around 14 but also younger that have sent pictures of themselves and are having to deal with the consequences of the images being shared. One of my colleagues advises that unless you’re happy for a picture that you have taken to be on a billboard don’t send it. Also at 14 it’s distributing/possession of child pornography.

Once the Bf has his next birthday that's when it gets into statutory rape territory as he will be 16 and she will be 14/15
Even then, if they have been in a relationship for sometime and they have been having sex, from my work experience, I doubt anything will be done.
The police ( in my area anyway) deal severely with big age gaps and grooming (14 year old girls taken to houses with men aged 25+) They also spend a great deal of time dealing with cyber bullying eg nude photos being passed around in school. I think gf /bf school relationships are quite low in their priorities.
About 4 or 5 years ago ( in my last job anyway) we had a mum wanting her dd's bf prosecuted but even with sw involvement there was no action. The girl (14 years) said she was happy with her boyfriend, he didnt coerce her, so what's the problem. No further action was taken.

There's a huge number of under 16 pregnancies and the males arent being charged with rape so I wouldn't expect any further involvement with police if mum was to report it.

I have posted previously up thread. I am in my 40s, came from a loving home, did not as a teen drink or smoke and now have a professional job which involves travelling the world.

l became sexually active around my 15th birthday, not sure if l was 14 or 15 at the time. It did not scar me for life but l did have “safe sex” drummed into me. I also went through school without pregnancy scares and was considered both quiet and “bookish”.

l never had sex at home when my parents were about, but you cannot keep a girl of that age under your eye 24/7.

To my late mum, thanks for your pragmatism, love and understanding. One day OP your daughter will be saying the same to you.

Non, je ne regrette rien!

@SammyScrounge go on then, if you think those suggestions are sarcastic what would you do to stop your already sexually active 14 year old from having sex for a few years?