I have a Sexually Active Teen and I’m gutted.

[shmiz]

Dd just completed year 9 age 14
her boyfriend of around 4 months just finished year 10 age 15
first proper relationship for both of them
spending loads of time together - lots of laughing, ‘he’s like my best friend’ etc they watch movies and play on the trampoline…

I have spoken to DD loads (I thought) about sex / relationships / consent / legal issues etc
She Today has told me that they had unprotected sex twice in last month
and the stress of possible pregnancy has been unbearable and that is why she is now telling me
She’s had a period since

I’m in shock - she’s so young, I feel guilty that This has happened on my watch
i have allowed her to have door closed when he’s over
I’ve left them in the house alone knowingly - I’ve let her down.

I'm glad she has told me of course and what I’ve done is:
thanked her for telling me
asked about consent / coercion issue
emphasised there are other ways to be close / intimate etc
she’s very young for a sexual relationship and it’s better to wait
this relationship will end at some point - be aware of that
NO nude pictures - ever ever ever
unprotected sex is absolutely NOT on - I really thought she would know that - she said it just happened in the moment

plan -
to get pregnancy test for her and condoms
keep talking to her about all of the above

I feel so bad / guilty and ashamed -
I can’t tell my friends, none of their similar age kids are in relationships they will judge me / her -

feeling like a bit of a failure and trying to put things right but now she’s crossed that bridge there is no going back - gutted.

My Dd is 16 and has never had a boyfriend and neither have any of her many friends. Ds had sex for the first time at 18. I’m not sure it is pretty normal.

Dream on.

My oldest friend and I invented mutual masturbation and orgasm when we were about 13 or 14. By 17 we had considerably extended our repertoire and refined our techniques....

When my friends and I were that age, some mothers would not allow their dds to close the bedroom door when the bf was there.

They were the ones having sex in the bathroom during house parties.

OP you have not done anything wrong, she is becoming a woman and that’s hard to accept, you now have an opportunity to set the tone for your relationship going forward. It can either be one where you support her in her choices or one where you get more and more cut out of her life.

Sounds like you’re making the right choice to me.

I am still reading and you’ve been very helpful as I process all this -
@notacooldad thanks for the reality check !!!! 😊

I would suggest she goes on the pill or injection plus used condoms. Stress to her they need for the latter to prevent sti's

Hm. Personally I’d ask to speak to the boyfriend alone and absolutely bollock him. Sex is one thing (yay for sex 😃) sex with a 14 year old child is rape, unprotected sex with a 14 year old child is unforgivable.

He wouldn’t be in my house again and I’d be reporting him to the police, to his school and to his parents.

What a silly and uneducated comment

This is not rape, the boy himself is underage

considering she spoke to you take that as win. You need to install the need for condoms and the Pill to protect her. Dont try and stop them you will only push them into doing it somewhere not safe. While I know you dont want to think about it, its better in your house with a parent that cares and make sure that there are readily access to condoms.

@Alfenstein I think the boy could be accused of rape, even if underage. If he had sex and the person did not consent then he could be charged with rape. Technically, though when the 2 people involved are of similar ages and not too far off 16, and even though the girl can't technically give legal consent, if she is not being forced to have sex, and they are in a happy relationship it is unlikely that it will be treated as if a crime has been committed.

I was having sex at 14. I couldn't speak to my mum atall and I wish I was able to. Now I have 2 daughters of my own and I'm dreading when they hit this age. But I want to make sure they can come to me.

I think no matter what she did as a parent, how strict she was, I would have found a way around it. You haven't failed. Your daughter is her own person and you've given her the tools to protect herself, that's all you can do.

Hm. Personally I’d ask to speak to the boyfriend alone and absolutely bollock him. Sex is one thing (yay for sex 😃) sex with a 14 year old child is rape, unprotected sex with a 14 year old child is unforgivable.

He wouldn’t be in my house again and I’d be reporting him to the police, to his school and to his parents.

How to alienate a dd and damage a relationship for a long time! Your comments are ridiculous and damaging.
The dd is a willing participant with a boyfriend of the same age.
As long as she is safe, not being pressured into sex and can make decisions and the conversation between mum and daughter stays open there isnt a serious issue.

Veteran Mum of 3DC all now young adults. I echo the “two forms of contraception at all times, one of which must be a barrier method ” its still my mantra!

Where did the OP mention a lack of consent?

If anyone doesn't consent to sex it's rape

Let's not pretend that's what that poster was talking about as she specifically referenced his age

Op for what it’s worth (and I haven’t read the full thread!), you should like a great mum. I wish my mother had spoken to me with kindness and non-judgement about these things.

Her hormones are all over the place. But I don’t blame you for being gutted - it’s like she’s entering a new phase you weren’t ready for.

Keep supporting her and being someone she can talk to. Your daughter sounds very lucky to have you.

She’s 14 for goodness sake

*sound like not should like!!

*My Dd is 16 and has never had a boyfriend and neither have any of her many friends. Ds had sex for the first time at 18. I’m not sure it is pretty normal.

Dream on.

My oldest friend and I invented mutual masturbation and orgasm when we were about 13 or 14. By 17 we had considerably extended our repertoire and refined our techniques....*

No I’m not dreaming on. They don’t go out much too much schoolwork. They are all like this. Unless they do it at school? Not everyone has the same experience

If my dad knew a 15 year old boy had been taking 'advantage' of me, as we used to say, he would have gone berserk. All my friends fathers would react the same, and the teenage boys knew it. The teenage boy's father would have reacted the same if it was one of his daughter who had a boyfriend like that. My own 16 year old boyfriend's fear of fathers kept him honest.

It was 50 years ago though, times have changed.

I can understand why you are upset but positives are she’s spoken to you. Do you have a Brook Advisory nearby they are good for contraceptive advice for teens.
Keep talking and make it clear she can come to you no matter what.
Mine’s 16 now but at that age we watched a lot of young adult films together (was lockdown) and it naturally brought up issues to discuss eg films like After.

Don’t be ridiculous

I’d be reporting him to the police, to his school and to his parents.

would you also be reporting your DD for having sex with an underage boy?

Not to sound OTT - but has your DD had the HPV vaccine? If not, may be worth enquiring with the GP.

You sound like an incredibly caring and sensible mother. Well done to your DD for being able to confide in you.

I've made it clear to all my children that unprotected sex means they are essentially sleeping with everyone that has come prior to them with their partner where protection wasn't used, and if their partner was happy to behave that way with them, they were likely happy to do so with prior partners as well. Do they know those people? Do they trust those people?

Resounding 'no's from all.

You sound like a great mum, but now is the time to emphasize that condoms ard mandatory, not optional, regardless of what other protection she's using. And anyone who won't comply with that request isn't worthy of her.

It’s a hard subjeCt but get her on the pill asap and also tell her about sti and wearing condoms .at least she has been honest with you.

I’d be reporting him to the police, to his school and to his parents

would you also be reporting your DD for having sex with an underage boy?
Absolutely this.
The dd sounds like she was keen and has told her mum( nothing wrong with that I was as well) Both dd and bf are lived up, giggling and seem happy.
Theres no exploitation going on here. Shes not been taken "advantage" of. It's an age appropriate relationship, she hasn't been groomed.
If every unde age sex case was reported the police would never get anything done.
It is right an investigation takes place when a rape or grooming offence takes place but in this case it would be time wasting and relationship damaging if it was reported.

The unprotected bit is very worrying. Mine had virtually no sex education at school due to covid so don’t assume she’s had it.
I’d definitely be saying just because you’ve done it you don’t have to keep doing it - it’s fine to wait until older.
When I was at school (all girls) some girls liked the drama/attention - so deliberately no contraception, they liked the attention from the worry (I’m late!), mates going with them to chemist for a test etc.