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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I have a Sexually Active Teen and I’m gutted.

255 replies

shmiz · 04/08/2022 10:38

Dd just completed year 9 age 14
her boyfriend of around 4 months just finished year 10 age 15
first proper relationship for both of them
spending loads of time together - lots of laughing, ‘he’s like my best friend’ etc they watch movies and play on the trampoline…

I have spoken to DD loads (I thought) about sex / relationships / consent / legal issues etc
She Today has told me that they had unprotected sex twice in last month
and the stress of possible pregnancy has been unbearable and that is why she is now telling me
She’s had a period since

I’m in shock - she’s so young, I feel guilty that This has happened on my watch
i have allowed her to have door closed when he’s over
I’ve left them in the house alone knowingly - I’ve let her down.

I'm glad she has told me of course and what I’ve done is:
thanked her for telling me
asked about consent / coercion issue
emphasised there are other ways to be close / intimate etc
she’s very young for a sexual relationship and it’s better to wait
this relationship will end at some point - be aware of that
NO nude pictures - ever ever ever
unprotected sex is absolutely NOT on - I really thought she would know that - she said it just happened in the moment

plan -
to get pregnancy test for her and condoms
keep talking to her about all of the above

I feel so bad / guilty and ashamed -
I can’t tell my friends, none of their similar age kids are in relationships they will judge me / her -

feeling like a bit of a failure and trying to put things right but now she’s crossed that bridge there is no going back - gutted.

OP posts:
Scepticalwotsits · 04/08/2022 15:50

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 15:44

*My Dd is 16 and has never had a boyfriend and neither have any of her many friends. Ds had sex for the first time at 18. I’m not sure it is pretty normal.

Dream on.

My oldest friend and I invented mutual masturbation and orgasm when we were about 13 or 14. By 17 we had considerably extended our repertoire and refined our techniques....*

l don’t need to ‘dream on’ She rarely goes out as she’s quite introverted, if she does it’s just to town with her friends. I’ve just asked her in the light of this thread if anyone had boyfriends. She’s said no, no one’s interested, they don’t do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing anymore. None of her friends do much more except go to each other’s houses.

People mature sexually at different ages, some early, some late. some are more sexually curious than others. Your view is huge narrow minded

Staying in doesn't equal introverted, and being a recluse doesn't mean introversion

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 15:53

@Staynow l work in a secondary school and l think the same as you.

l wouldn’t have let them close the door either. It’s a potential safeguarding issue.

Blossomtoes · 04/08/2022 15:53

Whoatealltheminieggs · 04/08/2022 15:23

She’s 14! I think it’s appalling. I’d be devastated but you can’t possibly be surprised given what you were allowing.
Mine would be grounded for the next 6 months and the boy would be banned.

Let’s hope you’re never in that position because that won’t go well. Please listen to all the sensible and non judgemental advice other posters have given you @shmiz.

YourWinter · 04/08/2022 15:54

Definitely condoms AND the pill, not either/or.

This boyfriend will move on to another girl before long.

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 04/08/2022 15:55

you sound like an amazing mum.
if you hadn’t have left them alone in the house or let them close the door, they’d have found another way to do it.
get her on the pill, and thank goodness you’ve raised her so that she can talk to you

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 15:55

🥱l know the difference between introvert and extrovert.

She stays in because too much social activity drains her and she’s not a recluse. She’s a normal 16 year old, just like her friends.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/08/2022 15:56

There are always less attractive people who are virgins well into their 20's or 30's, doesn't make them normal and the others not.

Such a horrible comment. People who wait to have are unattractive? 🤔

When I was a teen (Ireland late 80s, early 90s), it was really really unusual for anyone in their teens to have sex. Some did, obviously. In my university friend group, only 1 person had had sex before college (17/18). Most people I knew had sex within a reasonably serious relationship at 18/19/20.

We were all perfectly lovely looking - just the value system of the time.

My DD who is gorgeous (I may be biased I guess 😉) hasn't had a boyfriend (she's 15); loads of male & female friends. It's just less of a thing in their particular group.

Lots of people make different choices around sex, all are valid, once everyone is happy, safe & acting legally.

Your comments are nonsensical

MeridianB · 04/08/2022 15:57

Suprima · 04/08/2022 12:07

You’ve handled this brilliantly. And the fact that you feel like this is a pretty shit thing proves that you are a good mum in my opinion.

14 year olds should be focussing on school,
friends and productive hobbies. And having fun!

The turmoil and emotional weight of a sexual relationship is not something they should be burdened with- they are children. Children should not be worrying that they are pregnant.

I say this as someone who lost their virginity at 14.

It’s done now- but I’d be keeping her busy. Any hobby she shows an interest in, sign her up. Travel. Supporting her friendships and encouraging a good social life. Sport. Motivate her in her studies, empower her. I would be very worried that she had sex unprotected and it just ‘happened’. I’d be trying to do some serious character building to be able to say ‘stop’ in that situation.

Great post ^^

You sound lovely OP. I agree, it’s scary to think of a 14yo being bogged down with all this and the unprotected sex is terrifying. Hopefully the BF won’t try to talk her out of condoms now he’s started without them.

The pregnancy scare is one thing but well worth her doing some research on STIs and the impact they can have - inc more permanent ones like herpes. This will reinforce the importance of condoms.

Only other thing would be to remind her not to allow/make/share sex videos or intimate photos.

Kindofcrunchy · 04/08/2022 15:59

Good grief, the pearl clutchers on this thread 😂 when my parents and his "banned us" from meeting up for sex at our houses, we just did it in his car. 🤷‍♀️

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 15:59

My DD who is gorgeous (I may be biased I guess 😉) hasn't had a boyfriend (she's 15); loads of male & female friends. It's just less of a thing in their particular group

This is the same feedback l get from my dd. They just hang out in big groups.

HesterShaw1 · 04/08/2022 15:59

You sound like a great parent, but obviously this isn't ideal.

Just to tell you how my mum approached this, her idea of the sex talk was telling me how babies were made when I was little, and never mentioning it again until the day I turned 16 and said "If you get pregnant, I'm not looking after it." Again, there was no mention of sex as something I might be involved in ever again, other than her calling a friend of mine all kinds of names when she found out she was having sex with her boyfriend.

Your daughter is a lucky girl to have you. Now she needs to quickly realise that if you are old enough for sex (which she isn't really) she's old enough to take responsibility about it. If she carries on having unprotected sex as a teen she will almost certainly get pregnant.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 16:02

Good grief, the pearl clutchers on this thread 😂 when my parents and his "banned us" from meeting up for sex at our houses, we just did it in his car.

Im not Pearl clutching. But it could be perceived as a safeguarding issue that by allowing them to close the door it was facilitating them to have sex under the op’s roof. I’ve worked in secondary schools for 27 years.

It wouldn’t be an issue in a car, as no one was facilitating it.

teenagetantrums · 04/08/2022 16:03

Been there done the guilt. I had a 14 year old who actually ended up pregnant and had an abortion. I felt so guilty. Like l had let it happen. But my daughter said she would have found a way even if it wasn't in the house.
But you know what, she's now a grown adult with a degree and a job she loves. Still now children.
You can't blame yourself they grow up so quick these days and l was thankful at least she came to me once she realised she was pregnant. I let her choose what she wanted. But the fact that her boyfriend ran a mile straight away helped her decide.
I would definitely get your daughter on the pill or implant. She's not going to stop having sex now she has started

Ravenpuff93 · 04/08/2022 16:06

Kindofcrunchy · 04/08/2022 15:59

Good grief, the pearl clutchers on this thread 😂 when my parents and his "banned us" from meeting up for sex at our houses, we just did it in his car. 🤷‍♀️

Great point. This is exactly why banning things and grounding kids usually just drives the behaviour underground. My mum was raised in a very strict household and it just made her very secretive, and also very vulnerable to abuse as she didn’t feel safe talking to her parents. Also I feel like those preaching abstinence and insisting on open doors etc, from my experience, usually wind up with pregnant daughters!

I agree with previous posters, OP, you have done very well here. You’ve raised a daughter who is comfortable talking to you and being honest, and you’ve been open about how to safely have sex and advised she might not be mature enough yet etc. Focus on the good here, cut yourself some slack.

puffyisgood · 04/08/2022 16:06

I'd do my best to discourage the relationship, year 9 going into year 10 is wayyy too young for pseudo-matrimony, which is what this sounds like.

After that, I suppose, it's the usual hierarchy - first best = 'be good'; second best = 'be careful'; third best = unthinkable. Condoms are essential, condoms + another method not a terrible idea, unless the other method discourages the former.

ElephantePicante · 04/08/2022 16:08

Good grief you're overreacting. Be pleased she has come to you. Newsflash, teens have sex!

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 16:11

Staynow · 04/08/2022 15:45

When I was a teen in the 90's I didn't know anyone having sex at 14 - maybe it's down to the sort of area you come from. I work in a secondary school and I don't think any 14 year olds are really mature enough to be having sex - and anyway they've proved that they're not by not using any contraception.

I think it was a huge mistake to leave them home alone and to let them have the door shut - I doubt they'd have done it elsewhere if it hadn't been made so easy personally, it's not like they could do it in his car and they wouldn't have done it at school.

I would be making it clear that you are glad she's told you but you think she's too young and while you will help her access contraception you won't be allowing them to be alone with the door shut anymore.

If you need to be mature for sex a lot of adult men and women would be celibate

Scepticalwotsits · 04/08/2022 16:11

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 15:59

My DD who is gorgeous (I may be biased I guess 😉) hasn't had a boyfriend (she's 15); loads of male & female friends. It's just less of a thing in their particular group

This is the same feedback l get from my dd. They just hang out in big groups.

just because they haven't had a BF doesn't mean its not happening, do you know what's happening at all times, friends houses, parties, in bushes, in the car etc

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 16:12

puffyisgood · 04/08/2022 16:06

I'd do my best to discourage the relationship, year 9 going into year 10 is wayyy too young for pseudo-matrimony, which is what this sounds like.

After that, I suppose, it's the usual hierarchy - first best = 'be good'; second best = 'be careful'; third best = unthinkable. Condoms are essential, condoms + another method not a terrible idea, unless the other method discourages the former.

How is having sex in a couple pseudo matrimony?

Christ almighty

viques · 04/08/2022 16:13

ANother vote for pill and condoms. This relationship might not last, if she starts another relationship with a,more sexually active partner condoms will help to protect her from STD, and it’s a good idea for her to get used to the concept that she can demand that a partner uses a condom.

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 16:13

YourWinter · 04/08/2022 15:54

Definitely condoms AND the pill, not either/or.

This boyfriend will move on to another girl before long.

Projecting much with your second line

SirVixofVixHall · 04/08/2022 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

“Less attractive people”?? Blimey. That is offensive and not true at all, perpetuating the idea that if someone hasn’t found a person they want to be with then there must be something wrong with them.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/08/2022 16:17

Kindofcrunchy · 04/08/2022 15:59

Good grief, the pearl clutchers on this thread 😂 when my parents and his "banned us" from meeting up for sex at our houses, we just did it in his car. 🤷‍♀️

That won't be an option fortunately as the kid is 14 and won't have a car.

MrsK23 · 04/08/2022 16:18

OP I think you have handled the situation fantastically… you were open, non-judgemental and supportive. No matter how well you prepare them teens do take part in risk taking behaviour, their brains are literally wired to at that age. And if they want to they will find a time and a place regardless if you leave them alone or not…

I feel it speaks volumes about your relationship too that she trusted you enough to tell you. I also think what you said was very fair and the steps you took to safeguard her in the future were spot-on… Don’t be so hard on yourself 💐 She is lucky to have a mum like you!

Whataplanker · 04/08/2022 16:18

I could have written your post this time last year. We got DD sorted with the pill and she has an alarm set on her phone to remind her to take it. We have a wobble when she needed the MAP but that was early on. She is still with the boyfriend and they are happy. She is working hard at school and still taking part in her extra curricular activities and volunteering job.

I wasn't over the moon when she told me but I was pleased she felt able to and she is extremely open and honest with me about everything (sometimes it's TMI but I'd much rather that than her say nothing).