Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I have a Sexually Active Teen and I’m gutted.

255 replies

shmiz · 04/08/2022 10:38

Dd just completed year 9 age 14
her boyfriend of around 4 months just finished year 10 age 15
first proper relationship for both of them
spending loads of time together - lots of laughing, ‘he’s like my best friend’ etc they watch movies and play on the trampoline…

I have spoken to DD loads (I thought) about sex / relationships / consent / legal issues etc
She Today has told me that they had unprotected sex twice in last month
and the stress of possible pregnancy has been unbearable and that is why she is now telling me
She’s had a period since

I’m in shock - she’s so young, I feel guilty that This has happened on my watch
i have allowed her to have door closed when he’s over
I’ve left them in the house alone knowingly - I’ve let her down.

I'm glad she has told me of course and what I’ve done is:
thanked her for telling me
asked about consent / coercion issue
emphasised there are other ways to be close / intimate etc
she’s very young for a sexual relationship and it’s better to wait
this relationship will end at some point - be aware of that
NO nude pictures - ever ever ever
unprotected sex is absolutely NOT on - I really thought she would know that - she said it just happened in the moment

plan -
to get pregnancy test for her and condoms
keep talking to her about all of the above

I feel so bad / guilty and ashamed -
I can’t tell my friends, none of their similar age kids are in relationships they will judge me / her -

feeling like a bit of a failure and trying to put things right but now she’s crossed that bridge there is no going back - gutted.

OP posts:
Lovelystuff · 04/08/2022 12:29

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/08/2022 11:45

That would need to stop immediately. I would put as much distance as I could between the pair of them. She's fourteen and you need to make sure she she was fully on board with this and I say that as a mother of a son. Fourteen is very young. Absolutely no judgement from me despite pearl clutching comments but I would do everything in my power to discourage this. Do you know his parents?

It's brilliant she's talking to you, I absolutely agree she needs contraception asap.

Show quote history

so that means that potentially they might meet up without OP knowing and having sex somewhere totally random??

Jolinar · 04/08/2022 12:40

I'd look at longer acting contraception, coil, implant etc. If she's up for that of course!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/08/2022 13:01

Don’t tell her dad, she’s asked you not to so I would respect that.

I have two DDs in their early 20s and there’s a few things I have kept to myself over the years.

14 is young but it’s great she has told you.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 04/08/2022 13:11

Ok tbh you have not failed she came ro you and told you I would recommend the implant or injections not the pill as that is easy to forget to take one, rules ro change in the house doors must remain open when he is around, and tbh if she has asked you not to tell her dad and you you and she finds out if will break trust and she might stop telling you these things, good luck op

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 13:20

I remember being the old maid virgin at 16, all my friends had been sexually active for years! It's pretty normal

My Dd is 16 and has never had a boyfriend and neither have any of her many friends. Ds had sex for the first time at 18. I’m not sure it is pretty normal.

bringonthesunshinefinally · 04/08/2022 13:23

They would have found somewhere else to have sex if you had not left them alone in the house so please don’t feel guilty . You sound like you’re doing a great job . Parenting teens is difficult !

MintJulia · 04/08/2022 13:25

You haven't failed. She talked to you about it. She has accepted help.

I wouldn't have dreamt of talking to my DM, even in my twenties. In fact never, and she wouldn't have wanted me to. Discussing such things was 'vulgar'. I knew her reactions would have been bigoted and ridiculous.

Lifeisonhold · 04/08/2022 13:29

You sound like a lovely mum! I also had a long term boyfriend when I was 14, he was 16 and we were sexually active. We broke up when I was 19!

I have no regrets at all. I’m 30s now and I just feel pleased knowing it was with my lovely first boyfriend and not a random at a party.

you’re so calm and non judgemental. Your daughter is very lucky!! x

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/08/2022 13:33

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2022 13:20

I remember being the old maid virgin at 16, all my friends had been sexually active for years! It's pretty normal

My Dd is 16 and has never had a boyfriend and neither have any of her many friends. Ds had sex for the first time at 18. I’m not sure it is pretty normal.

I'm sure lots of 16 year olds say they have sex, obviously some do but I disagree it's the majority.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/08/2022 13:39

I think you've dealt with this really well, but I do think that you should express how disappointed you are that despite all your talking, they've still managed to have unprotected sex. You always knew she was going to do it, but she should have been more sensible in that regard.

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 13:42

Don't be gutted over this

Teens have sex, a tale as old as time

I'd be getting her on hormonal contraception asap something she can't mess up like the implant or coil, as if they're not using condoms she at least needs protection from pregnancy

As a teen I never used condoms and still hate them so understand why they'd prefer not to.

The horse is out so they're unlikely to stop having sex now.

Mischance · 04/08/2022 13:48

You have not failed her - she is a mass of raging hormones and is doing what comes naturally. You are the sort of mother with whom she felt she could have a conversation about this - so a tick for you!

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cushioncovers · 04/08/2022 13:49

Don't be gutte op, it's natural although I can remember the shock I felt when both of my dc started their relationship with the opposite sex. Communication is key. Help her get the right contraception and to stay on it.

Didiplanthis · 04/08/2022 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bit harsh to say people who don't have sex till they are older are less attractive !! Maybe they have different values or priorities.....

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DuchessofAnkh77 · 04/08/2022 13:57

shmiz · 04/08/2022 10:54

Oh thank you for responding !
it all feels so overwhelming and I’m struggling to process what she’s told me today - and having to reconcile for myself how I’ve been lax ….

does she need to go on the pill ? Are condoms good enough ???
I can’t my head around even having to think of this - it’s happened way quicker than I thought it would …

Coil, implant or injection....

Teens IMHO are not mature enough to deal with taking a pill daily.

Crocsandshocks · 04/08/2022 14:00

It's absolutely fine. These things happen and he's almost her age, not an older perv. Key thing is to stop any possible pregnancy. Pill would be obvious but at that age it really messed up my moods, weight everything, so not a failsafe option. Condoms are pretty good
Honestly it's not the end of the world and nature is designed for us to have these urges. It would have happened regardless. Pregnancy and stds are the main issues.

Hesma · 04/08/2022 14:01

@Sicario what does the Dad’s presence or not have to do with any of this???

notacooldad · 04/08/2022 14:06

Stop all this shame and guilt talk. As for crossing a bridge and there's no coming back, wtf!!! Stop being so dramatic.
I was a similar age as your dd when I had sex. I dont regret it one bit or felt I was too young. Mum found out and over 40 years later things that were said by her still upset me and have given me life long hang ups.

She's had sex, yes she is young but it is not unheard off, she is in a steady relationship.🤷‍♀️
( I got called the town bike, a whore and a slut- I was with my bf from 14 and half to 22!)
She is talking to you about it, that is to your credit!

feelthefear83 · 04/08/2022 14:07

I would say she and the bf should get an STI test done as well.

LonelyInAutumn · 04/08/2022 14:11

You're doing great. I didn't start having sex until I was 19 and my mom made me feel like it was the worst thing I could ever do (she had a right go at me and was crying 🙄). It's good that you're open to the discussion, it makes it less taboo and your daughter won't (hopefully) feel ashamed

Springdaisy · 04/08/2022 14:11

Get her on the pill.
I started early like your daughter. Nothing wrong with it. Just make sure they are being safe and she is clear with her boundaries. Its great that she can talk to you!
I have very fond memories of that time in my life and looking back now I know it was very early, but I wouldnt change it.

KindleAndCake · 04/08/2022 14:17

I don't really have anything else to add, everyone else has covered it. I just wanted to say, you are an awesome mum, just keep doing what you are doing.

Ihaveaquestionn · 04/08/2022 14:19

Just want to say I wish I could have spoken to my mum the way your DD can at her age. Yes your teen is sexually active but she’s in a relationship and communicating with you. I think you’ve done a great job parenting - you can’t control everything

Swipe left for the next trending thread