I have a Sexually Active Teen and I’m gutted.

[shmiz]

Dd just completed year 9 age 14
her boyfriend of around 4 months just finished year 10 age 15
first proper relationship for both of them
spending loads of time together - lots of laughing, ‘he’s like my best friend’ etc they watch movies and play on the trampoline…

I have spoken to DD loads (I thought) about sex / relationships / consent / legal issues etc
She Today has told me that they had unprotected sex twice in last month
and the stress of possible pregnancy has been unbearable and that is why she is now telling me
She’s had a period since

I’m in shock - she’s so young, I feel guilty that This has happened on my watch
i have allowed her to have door closed when he’s over
I’ve left them in the house alone knowingly - I’ve let her down.

I'm glad she has told me of course and what I’ve done is:
thanked her for telling me
asked about consent / coercion issue
emphasised there are other ways to be close / intimate etc
she’s very young for a sexual relationship and it’s better to wait
this relationship will end at some point - be aware of that
NO nude pictures - ever ever ever
unprotected sex is absolutely NOT on - I really thought she would know that - she said it just happened in the moment

plan -
to get pregnancy test for her and condoms
keep talking to her about all of the above

I feel so bad / guilty and ashamed -
I can’t tell my friends, none of their similar age kids are in relationships they will judge me / her -

feeling like a bit of a failure and trying to put things right but now she’s crossed that bridge there is no going back - gutted.

Just because they've had consensual sex, doesn't mean it always is. Make sure your DD knows it is OK to say no.

Condoms definitely.

In terms of other options like the Pill, implant etc, she needs proper advice on that - GP, sexual health clinic, etc. Obviously the Pill is only effective if you remember to take it every day, and some teenagers are not the best at that, so that's something to bear in mind. Injections or an implant are more effective in that sense but obviously any hormonal contraception can have side effects whether it's the Pill or depo injections or whatever, so it might be a matter of finding out what suits her best and what's the best option for someone her age.

Agree with others that it's important to have a conversation about consent and that consenting to one thing doesn't mean you're consenting to everything and that consent is required each and every time. I would also have a little chat about expectations that she (or perhaps more pertinently, her boyfriend) might have from seeing porn online which bear no relation to reality - for example, she might believe she's supposed to enjoy 'rough' sex or her boyfriend might think that's what's expected of him as a man, but obviously in real life that's absolutely not the case.

You're doing everything right so far!

Second this double Dutch is always better aka two forms of contraception. Even if she’s on the pill etc still emphase condoms / STIs etc

She’s 14! I think it’s appalling. I’d be devastated but you can’t possibly be surprised given what you were allowing.
Mine would be grounded for the next 6 months and the boy would be banned.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20, and I have an 18yo DD who has never had a boyfriend and an almost 15yo DS who hasn't done anything either. Obviously I'm too ugly and weird to have an opinion of any value, but I agree with those who say she needs to be on the pill ASAP, which you need to be monitoring/supporting her with, because she's a child under the age of consent.

I would also personally be making it clear that in your opinion she is too young for this behaviour and actively discouraging it. Because she is a child under the age of consent. I would not be making it easy for them to have sex. I wouldn't be leaving them alone and I wouldn't be letting them hide upstairs with the bedroom door closed. I would also be talking very openly to the boy and letting him know you know.

But as I said, probably too ugly and weird to know.

I've made it clear to all my children that unprotected sex means they are essentially sleeping with everyone that has come prior to them with their partner where protection wasn't used, and if their partner was happy to behave that way with them, they were likely happy to do so with prior partners as well. Do they know those people? Do they trust those people?

This reminds me of this
www.facebook.com/reel/701801334177468?extid=chYV2B&fs=e

Hope the link works🤣🤞

I’d also chat about how will she react if everyone at school is talking about it. Whilst it’s something between them it’s potentially going to be talk of school in September if they’ve told a mate who has told a mate and so on.

I was having sex at this age and it was pretty normal, that was back in the 90s. In my case it was in car parks and fields and I do cringe looking back at the risks we took. I have zero regrets. Nothing would have stopped me once I started either as I wanted to and was ready. But the key thing here is she came to you whereas I never would have gone to my mother. We didn't have that kind of relationship.

Just keep the open dialogue. That is the most important bit.

I know how you feel, and it’s hard to come to terms with your little girl having sex. For what it’s worth, I think you’ve dealt with it really well so far.

Keeping her safe is the important thing now. The pill is probably a good idea if the sexual side to her relationship is going to continue (and it probably will, even if you try to put a stop to it, or it’ll happen with the next boyfriend). Make sure she understands about boundaries and consent, and the importance of saying no if she’s asked to do something she isn’t comfortable with.

Many, many mnetters have been through this and they and their daughters are happy and doing well. All the best to you and your girl.

Yes she is young but this is not abnormal. My dd is same age same year. Some of her friends definitely doing this. Most of them aren’t, but a few are. Apart from the lack of a condom (which was a serious error of judgement from both of them) I think it generally sounds ok. He doesn’t sound like he was just after sex. He sounds like he really cares for her.

You need to make sure she fully understands ovulation etc and must avoid that window, even with a condom. And that only a tiny drop of semen can get her pregnant.

Op - I couldn't read and run without leaving a message. I was your daughter, except I fell pregnant at 14 and had absolutely no-one to turn to. I planned my suicide as telling anyone in my family would have made my life unbearable. In the end I went through a surgical termination scared and alone and to this day only a select few friends know about it. You have absolutely in no way failed her, in fact by raising her comfortable enough to talk to you you've done the exact opposite. THANK YOU.

I wouldn’t trust a 14 year with a daily pill, I’d definitely want her to speak to a medical professional about all contraceptive options. I used to go to a Brook Advisory when I was in my early 20s they are geared up to young people.

OP, it sounds as if you are doing everything right. From a personal point of view, I became sexually active around my 15th birthday. I can't remember if I was 14 or 15 at the time. No lectures from anyone please, I'm in my 40s now, and it did not scar me for life. It was with a boy of similar age. I came from a good and supportive home.

I have no regrets about it. Mum was annoyed when she first found out, not so much that I was having sex, but that I hadn't told her. This should chime with you.

Mum, now deceased, who was very much a feminist gave sister and I this advice "if it doesn't make you feel nice, don't do it or stop doing it'

You are where you are, you cannot keep an eye on her 24/7. Whether you allow her to close a bedroom door or not will make little difference. She is at an age where hormones are bubbling. Ensure that she is safe, well informed and not pushed into anything she does not want to do.

It sounds as if you are doing a great job.

She’s 14! I think it’s appalling. I’d be devastated but you can’t possibly be surprised given what you were allowing Nice bit of blaming there!!!
Mine would be grounded for the next 6 months and the boy would be banned
This is exactly what my mum did well over 40 years ago and guess what? It made our relationship awful and has never recovered. Im near to 60 my mum is 80 I still carried on seeing the lad - for another 7 years 3 of which I didnt tell her. It caused us to have secrets. I moved away from our area to be with him.
OP is doing great keeping the lines of communication open

OP and @notacooldad - These flowers are for both of you 💐.

It is impossible to ground someone for 6 months; school etc. And she is of an age where friendships are important. The biggest issue is keeping teens safe and communication channels open. Not drive them away.

My mum did that. Made a huge great deal about it and all it achieved was making me feel ashamed and dirty. After that I just stopped talking to her. I told her nothing. I got good at keeping secrets. It took a very long time for us to get past it. I'm 40 now and I would say it's only in the past 10 years or so that we've managed to draw a line under my teen years.

OP, your DD is talking to you. That's invaluable. You have had a great conversation with her and sound like a really good mum. I would echo PP about contraception such as the pill etc and really stress the importance of condoms, a pregnancy is not the worst thing that can happen from unprotected sex, STD's are something she must be aware of so she can protect herself accordingly.

Good luck to you.

I would consider the contraceptive injection or implant. I would provide condoms. I don't think you failed. I think it's testament to your relationship that she feels able to talk to you about sex.

So do you all think that the OP should tell the BF's parents?

I’d take my chances. Sometimes kids appreciate boundaries. If I told my mother I was having sex at 14 she wouldn’t have handed me a box of condoms and given it the ok. I appreciate her for that!

@Nanny0gg - Unless I have missed something (possible!), the OP has not asked for advice or sought views as to whether the BF's parents should be told.

Apologies if I have missed something, if so I stand corrected. If I have not (missed anything) it is derailing the thread.

*My Dd is 16 and has never had a boyfriend and neither have any of her many friends. Ds had sex for the first time at 18. I’m not sure it is pretty normal.

Dream on.

My oldest friend and I invented mutual masturbation and orgasm when we were about 13 or 14. By 17 we had considerably extended our repertoire and refined our techniques....*

l don’t need to ‘dream on’ She rarely goes out as she’s quite introverted, if she does it’s just to town with her friends. I’ve just asked her in the light of this thread if anyone had boyfriends. She’s said no, no one’s interested, they don’t do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing anymore. None of her friends do much more except go to each other’s houses.

People mature sexually at different ages, some early, some late. some are more sexually curious than others. Your view is huge narrow minded

When I was a teen in the 90's I didn't know anyone having sex at 14 - maybe it's down to the sort of area you come from. I work in a secondary school and I don't think any 14 year olds are really mature enough to be having sex - and anyway they've proved that they're not by not using any contraception.

I think it was a huge mistake to leave them home alone and to let them have the door shut - I doubt they'd have done it elsewhere if it hadn't been made so easy personally, it's not like they could do it in his car and they wouldn't have done it at school.

I would be making it clear that you are glad she's told you but you think she's too young and while you will help her access contraception you won't be allowing them to be alone with the door shut anymore.

I would suggest she goes on the pill or injection plus used condoms. Stress to her they need for the latter to prevent sti's

Not sure about the used condoms!

But more seriously, you're dealing with this well, OP. Back in the 18s, I lost it when I was a shade younger than your DD (with slightly older boyfriend) and though it wasn't glorious, the world didn't end, so no need to go off the deep end as long as she's trusting you and being sensible from now on.

Make sure she knows as MAP as well as getting implant/pill herself - the previous circumstances show a teenage boy is not to be trusted to take 100% responsibility for contraception.

My own teenage boy aged me overnight when he had a GF recently, both aged 14, and nowhere near stable enough to go the whole way. I did make the keep the door open and even installed a Ring doorbell so they couldn't sneak home when we weren't in the house. Was glad of this when they split up after a few months - would have been much more upsetting if they'd had sex. Emotionally, I know he's not ready to cope with it, but that doesn't mean your DD isn't. You know her best, and now she's done it, it's not likely that she'd hold off for years no matter if you grounded her.

So it's totally understandable to feel gutted, it's a rollercoaster these years, for the teens and their parents. But it's really good she's talking to you. Long may that continue...

*80s not 18's

No - personally I wouldn't be considering telling BFs parents.