I have a Sexually Active Teen and I’m gutted.

[shmiz]

Dd just completed year 9 age 14
her boyfriend of around 4 months just finished year 10 age 15
first proper relationship for both of them
spending loads of time together - lots of laughing, ‘he’s like my best friend’ etc they watch movies and play on the trampoline…

I have spoken to DD loads (I thought) about sex / relationships / consent / legal issues etc
She Today has told me that they had unprotected sex twice in last month
and the stress of possible pregnancy has been unbearable and that is why she is now telling me
She’s had a period since

I’m in shock - she’s so young, I feel guilty that This has happened on my watch
i have allowed her to have door closed when he’s over
I’ve left them in the house alone knowingly - I’ve let her down.

I'm glad she has told me of course and what I’ve done is:
thanked her for telling me
asked about consent / coercion issue
emphasised there are other ways to be close / intimate etc
she’s very young for a sexual relationship and it’s better to wait
this relationship will end at some point - be aware of that
NO nude pictures - ever ever ever
unprotected sex is absolutely NOT on - I really thought she would know that - she said it just happened in the moment

plan -
to get pregnancy test for her and condoms
keep talking to her about all of the above

I feel so bad / guilty and ashamed -
I can’t tell my friends, none of their similar age kids are in relationships they will judge me / her -

feeling like a bit of a failure and trying to put things right but now she’s crossed that bridge there is no going back - gutted.

It's great that she can confide in you. I would suggest that she and her boyfriend go for a joint meeting at a family planning clinic (or whatever they're called now.) the ideal would be to use condoms as that prtects against pregnancy and infections. but I wouldn't trust young teens to use them correctly or bother with them in the heat of the moment.

I would emphasise to her that however lovely the boyfriend is, men don't 'need' contraception in the same way women do - nothing is at stake for them, they can and do walk away, so the real responsibility for her not getting pregnant lies with her, how ever unfair that is. The simplest course of action is the pill, but going on it aged 14 could have health implications later on, so if she splits up with him she should stop taking it until she needs it again. Early unprotected sexual behaviour also is linked to cervical cancer. She needs to know this stuff.

Where are they having sex ?

I'm slightly horrified at these responses tbh.

I should have added that it's also worth checking whether she really truly wants to be sexually active, and to talk about cohersion and how to say no. There's lots of fun things she can do that feel good and don't result in pregnancy. and she has every right to choose not to go further.

Don't feel bad. You can't win as a parent when it comes to teen sex. It's just as traumatic supporting a teen who hasn't dated anyone and feels a complete loser when their friends all hook up at parties and they come home alone again.

I think you're doing amazingly well, OP. It's good that she feels able to talk to you so openly.
I could never have done that with my mother. All l was ever told was 'not to bring trouble to the house' and 'that if he respects you, he'll wait'.
She even stopped speaking to me when l went on holiday with my (now ex) husband when we were going out with each other. I was 26.
I agree with PP - some kind of hormonal contraceptive, and condoms. Just because teenagers are under the legal age, it doesn't stop them. It never stopped me, but l was a bit older than your daughter. My boyfriend was a bit older than me, but we waited until l was 16 (well, nearly - 3 days before, I couldn't wait!) and l'd been on the pill for a year. For my periods, initially.
It's so good that she trusts you and that you can talk about it together. Far better that than her being scared to ask, and ending up pregnant.
I wish my mam had been like you.

I don't approve of teen sex but if they are already doing it, chances are they might do it again so the main troubleshooting info for the girl is how not to get pregnant or get an infection. Once that is secured, there's time to discuss not having sex so early and making sure she feels emotionally ready and not coerced.

In the OP it says the mother has allowed them to be behind a closed door, and left them in the house alone together.

She's talking to you and that is a very very good thing.

I would suggest that you consider and review contraceptive options which have less opportunity for user error than the Pill, though - the implant or the injection principally. That way you yourself can keep rough tabs on when it's due to run out and make sure it gets renewed, and with the best will in the world a 14yo might be a touch erratic about taking the pill at the same time every day. Plus condoms, as PP said.

Condoms are absolutely not enough, they rely on the male to be responsible and use them correctly.

I’d say the pill isn’t suitable either, it depends on a responsible person being capable of taking it every day and using another method when they’ve had an upset stomach/diarrhoea etc. This child has demonstrated twice over that she lacks the capability to keep herself safe, or be responsible. She’d need a method of contraception that doesn’t require the intellect of a child to administer it, so, implant/patch etc.

Rude and unecesaary.

I was this age OP, had a long term boyfriend throughout secondary school.

I was on the pill (to manage heavy periods) and used condoms but still worried about getting pregnant.
Three girls in my year got pregnant under 16 though, and dropped out of school to have them, so you’re right to be worried.

It’s great she’s able to confide in you, I didn’t tell my mum ANYTHING.
I think you have to keep the communication open. If it were me, I’d tell her if she intends to keep having sex without condoms she HAS to use other protection.

Don't make her rely on condoms, which require his careful co-operation, to prevent pregnancy. Get her her own contraception, and tell her condoms are still essential for sexual health.

Tell the boys parents their son is having unprotected sex. (Think how YOU would feel, if they knew but hadn't told you).

You must be doing a lot right as a parent because your DD was secure and brave enough to tell you and seek your help.

You handled it brilliantly OP. You don't need to praise her but not judging is so important to keep communications open. Now off the the nurse at the GP to get contraceptive advice. They should both shoulder responsibility for both their safety so condoms and another method is a good choice. They used to hand teens a card which they could show to get free condoms at some pharmacies and shops, as well as giving them a little pack with leaflets and useful Phone numbers and a diy chlamydia swab. They treat all the young people, whether over 16 or not, in a similar, factual, non-judgemental way.

I've recently joined the same party and feel exactly the same as you. I did speak to my friends though, and found that some were dealing with similar issues and keeping quiet because they felt self conscious. Although in my case, I'm very unhappy with the choice of boy, and I won't be sad to see the back of him.

I had already talked to my daughter about going on the pill for her skin and awful periods, so that's not a big problem.

You sound like a really good Mum .Defo get some condoms /The pill and see GP.However If shes asked you not to tell her dad ,then I would hold off for now.Dads can be very protective around their DDs and if he is unhappy about it she may not trust you for the future .If she finds out yo have told him!

Why?

That would need to stop immediately. I would put as much distance as I could between the pair of them. She's fourteen and you need to make sure she she was fully on board with this and I say that as a mother of a son. Fourteen is very young. Absolutely no judgement from me despite pearl clutching comments but I would do everything in my power to discourage this. Do you know his parents?

It's brilliant she's talking to you, I absolutely agree she needs contraception asap.

I am shocked at so many people saying this was normal for their group when they were this age, because not one of my friendship group had sex before sixteen, and the majority of us were still virgins until we left school at 18.
I have teenage dds too and I really worry about coercion into sex too young, not just individual coercion but also social pressure which can be just as great. There seems to be an expectation now on girls that they will have sex with a boyfriend, which wasn’t there when I was a teenager (I am in my fifties).
I think it is really good that she has told you and felt able to talk it over. My worry is that she maybe felt this was something she ought to be doing, so I would talk to her more about social pressure and what emotional pressure looks like. I was pressured into my first sexual experience, even though I was much older, and it isn’t always something one is aware of at the time.
Tell her that consent doesn’t carry forward, eg just because she has had sex with him now it doesn’t mean she has to keep doing it if she actually feels uncomfortable, or worried, or not really ready. I wonder if she told you because she actually regrets things going this far and wants a way out ? I know I felt protected by the “my parents won’t let me” get out clause as a teenager, so you can ask her about this.
Then sort out contraception, and talk to her about what she will do if she gets pregnant.
You sound as though you are dealing with this really well though OP, and I am sorry you feel that you can’t talk it over with friends.
Fourteen/fifteen is a tricky age, old enough to have a certain amount of independence, not old enough to think of consequences and have perspective.

I think the c card scheme is still running so I'd send them off to get one each. This usually includes a talk with a nurse and demo how to use them.
Before I was allowed the implant I had to spend a few weeks on the pill anyway so I'd see how she gets on with that first. If she does get the implant and has bleeding please tell her to go back and ask for help rather than immediate removal.

I think you've already done lots and fostered a great relationship with DD where she can talk to you about all this. I had the same with my mum and I happily confided in her when I had sex with my long-term bf when I was almost 15. She took me to the GP and I went on the pill (we also used condoms) as she was savvy and understanding enough to realise that she couldn't control whether or not I had sex but she could help ensure we didn't end up with life-long consequences in the form of a teen pregnancy.

I would ignore comments saying put lots of distance between the pair, never leave a door closed etc - if they want to have sex, they will have sex and I know I'd prefer them to do it in a safe place as opposed to the woods or some of the random places my friends with stricter parents ended up having sex!

Times may have changed (my DC are still in teeny tiny stage so I wouldn't know what its like now), but by 16 all my friends had slept with someone (usually their long-term boyfriends - no one I knew had one-night stands until well into uni years!). I really don't think its too uncommon for sexual activity to begin at 14, almost 15. Teens are full of hormones, and those early first relationships are so full of tension and its natural that teens would begin to explore their sexuality at that stage. Educating them and making sure they know they can talk to you is the key to focus on here.

🤣🤣 pearl clutcher

OP@shmiz you haven’t failed her. I was 14 when I had sex with my bf who was 15, again an experience I’m actually really ok with. At that age he was the love of my life and me him and a lot of my friends sadly lost their virginity in less desirable situations within a few months to couple of years! Which I think was worse than my experience personally.

You’ve handled this brilliantly. And the fact that you feel like this is a pretty shit thing proves that you are a good mum in my opinion.

14 year olds should be focussing on school,
friends and productive hobbies. And having fun!

The turmoil and emotional weight of a sexual relationship is not something they should be burdened with- they are children. Children should not be worrying that they are pregnant.

I say this as someone who lost their virginity at 14.

It’s done now- but I’d be keeping her busy. Any hobby she shows an interest in, sign her up. Travel. Supporting her friendships and encouraging a good social life. Sport. Motivate her in her studies, empower her. I would be very worried that she had sex unprotected and it just ‘happened’. I’d be trying to do some serious character building to be able to say ‘stop’ in that situation.

I second all this!

Also, can a 14 year old give proper consent as it's 2 years below the legal age?

I’d not be leaving the chance of pregnancy to a 15 year old boy 😱 he’s probably reading up about how his experience is better without them. Recipe for disaster.

yes, provide them and tell her she needs to use them due to STDs, but pill as well. Don’t leave it to chance.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor i second all that too -
usually she is very busy with a particular extracurricular activity that takes up weekends and a couple evenings a week - in term time -
definitely going to support her to keep that going and she’s going into her GCSE years this year - year 10- so being busy outside of this relationship is highly feasible - and highly important

I particularly like the advise about consent doesn’t carry forward -

and social coercion is also a good point for conversation too

thanks again
very grateful for all your feedback and advise