Wants to leave home 14 years old what would you say

[mumofblu]

Just that . We are having a terrible time with our d .
We are a family of 4 . Stable , Married . She's our eldest and has had a very good childhood . We are not wealthy but fortunate enough for me to be a stay at home mum and treat our children thorough supporting hobbies and interests . Both children encouraged with friendships and until the last year appeared very happy . Now it's exploded . Our once happy family is shredded , our eldest makes it clear she doesn't want to live at home with us anymore . No arguing just saying that she wants to live somewhere else with others. She's told parents of her friends that she prefers their families ( lots of children , divorced parents , family issues , chaotic lives compared to us ) . The kids are nice but the parents are honest in how difficult their lives are .
We are fairly problem free , both girls enjoy privileges of lots of interests . And we give lots of attention and welcome her friends . We have a large family room that we have used for parties and sleepovers but she just wants to live somewhere else and it's breaking my heart .

I don't show her how much she upsets me but it's getting harder and harder .

I'm probably missing something key, but she can't live somewhere else. She just can't.
Tell her no.
Stop being devastated get a little pissed off.
Tell her to cut it out.

Thank you. Done all that but she just says it all the time , not in anger . Just says I think I would fit better / be happier in another family !

I’d be very interested in any replies to this!! Similar with same age old daughter

Sorry @blahblahblah2000 . You have my sympathies x

Other families have offered to have her for a bit to "give us a break " but that feels like giving into her and make it seem she can do / live where she likes . And that just doesn't feel right

But I don't understand- does she have options?
Like she's actually lined up a family made arrangements and packed her bags?

Or is she just winging and moaning? In which case I'd tell her that you too wish you belonged to a different family, millionaire yacht owners in Monaco, or beach combers in Peru, but guess what you're suck where you are so you're not going to be rude and remind her what a let down real life is.
I'd also restrict and monitor her internet in case she's planning to run away with some adult male....

A lot of 14 yr olds are like this- I was (about 40yrs ago) it's a natural phase/kickback, She does not get a choice where to live She is 14 and needs to do what you tell her- don't be devastated- 14-18 yr olds are the worst at times! gobshites generally- she will sort herself out eventually. Don't pay heed to her negative attention seeking and stop being upset - it gets easier once you are out the other side of this crap!

@WindowsSmindows she's told others we have chucked her out ( we never have ) and given sob stories . But I've befriended these parents and they now know we are good parents and not abusive . They have offered her a place to stay to help us out . One is a best friend family the other is a boy at her schools mum , not her boyfriend but a busy mum with 5 children . She runs away from home to get there . Police have been called and found her there . She has no phone . Taken off her 5 weeks ago .

Probably my DM felt the same about me. Always angry, eager to leave the house, etc. I had a very good family on paper, SAHM (overinvested, smothering). Now, 30 years later, I see my parents were immature, DM was a classic narcisist.
I'm not saying that's the case of OP, just wanted to add my experience here.

Thanks everyone. I ve tried to give her freedoms appropriate for her age . In before dark , let us know who she is with . Find my phone and we'll pick her up . But she's stretched it to leaving house at 10 pm because she wants too . Staying out . I could go on and on .

I would tell everyone to stop entertaining this.

Tell her she is grounded till she can be trusted to go out and if she wants to leave home she needs to work hard at school so she can afford to leave home...

There seems to be far too much emotion involved..

@Starlightstarbright1
Yes I've told the other two familles that we don't want her staying over without our permission and they let us know if she's there and encourage her to come home .
She has been grounded without phone for 5 weeks after a major incident of bad behaviour .
We still let her do clubs so she's getting excercise and kept busy but no socialising

And told her she can live where she likes as an adult if she can afford somewhere so work hard . She's brilliant at school , does work hard and in top sets

Have you asked her why she doesn't feel like she fits in within your family?

I feel like there’s something more going on than you know @mumofblu have you considered family therapy or art therapy etc for her. I don’t think that’s a normal thought process for a 14 year old.

one other thing is NOT to put a time scale on “grounding” teens just wait it out then and go straight back to normal. The grounding should always be, you are grounded until you show me that you can be trusted, until we see changes etc etc

Was there some incident that preceded this behaviour? Could she be gay/transgender and be scared of telling you? Could she have been abused or being blackmailed about revealing pictures? I do think there is possibly something more going on other than deciding her family are impossibly bourgeois.

I sympathise but the grounding and no phone is far too long. Way, way waaaay too long.

A teenager without a phone is a very unhappy teenager. And that is a hugely long grounding.

When my boy does something I ask him to tell me his perspective and ask him what he thinks would be an appropriate consequence. Usually it is exactly what I had in mind so I can say, I think that sounds fair. Then he has buy-in to the consequence rather than just fighting it. My older one was almost the same though the consequences she dreamed up were much more severe than I had in mind 😂

The thing with teenagers is that developmentally they are designed to resist and move away from family. The difficulty is in allowing them to do so while maintaining boundaries.

I know your daughter has made some terrible choices but it’s very important not to go sergeant major on her.

Frienda are everything to a 14yo, she must feel very unhappy not being able to see or talk to her friends for such a long time.

I say this with every kindness, have you considered doing a course for parenting teens? I would also get therapy - for you and her dad, not her. You will get someone to hear you out, and guide you to make considered decisions. It will help to reduce the conflict in the home.

Don’t isolate her as the problem, it’s a family issue that has to be resolved with everyone on the same side.

I tell my kids, hey the teenage years are tricky. Without a doubt you’ll mess up and so will I, but let’s keep talking and try to work things out.

My Mum let me move out when I was 15 into a flat with my friend who was the same age! The very creepy landlord then said we could do him favours in lieu of rent! So that was the end of that.
I look back now and I'm horrified that my Mum allowed me to do that. There were many issues within the way my parents brought myself and my siblings up though.
Like a previous poster said this behaviour most likely stems from something your dd is feeling.
I would try family therapy or individual counselling. She needs to talk to someone.

This. My mother thought our home life was wonderful. It wasn't for me. She did her best. It wasn't OK.

Finding out what your DD needs and wants, genuinely working out what the issue is, rather than assuming that activities and sleepovers are a thing that makes children happy.

I've been wondering about this too OP.
Why do you think she dislikes living in your home? Have you actually asked her?

My sister was like this and put down to being a rebellious teen. Turns out she has Autism, mental health problems, an eating disorder,anxiety, depressed and being bullied. BUT we didn't know this until years later and she is wonderful now. If there's no serious issues her behaviour it will pass

I think the other families are undermining your authority by offering your dd a home.

I don't know you may be awful but you don't sound it. My mother was lovely and I always dreamt of leaving home. I was a bit of a romantic. I don't know what motivates your dd, but not every child leaves home because their parents are bad or because they are suffering.

5 weeks without a phone ?? That’s awful, no wonder she wants to move out. You need to get some help with this and tell those other parents that she will not be staying with them, and to stop suggesting it.
good luck.

There's something so much deeper going on Op. I would show DD your opening statement on this thread and get her to write hers, how is home life according to her. This isn't just normal teenage rebellion.