Wants to leave home 14 years old what would you say

[mumofblu]

Just that . We are having a terrible time with our d .
We are a family of 4 . Stable , Married . She's our eldest and has had a very good childhood . We are not wealthy but fortunate enough for me to be a stay at home mum and treat our children thorough supporting hobbies and interests . Both children encouraged with friendships and until the last year appeared very happy . Now it's exploded . Our once happy family is shredded , our eldest makes it clear she doesn't want to live at home with us anymore . No arguing just saying that she wants to live somewhere else with others. She's told parents of her friends that she prefers their families ( lots of children , divorced parents , family issues , chaotic lives compared to us ) . The kids are nice but the parents are honest in how difficult their lives are .
We are fairly problem free , both girls enjoy privileges of lots of interests . And we give lots of attention and welcome her friends . We have a large family room that we have used for parties and sleepovers but she just wants to live somewhere else and it's breaking my heart .

I don't show her how much she upsets me but it's getting harder and harder .

The desperation to leave home, I would fear she has been abused at home

Yup, agree with this.

She needs a mix of cuddles and to be ignored when she's acting like a brat.

Surely you attempt to figure out what exactly she doesn’t like / is craving / is trying to get away from? Is that not obvious?

That's a huge leap. I wanted to leave (my lovely) home because I wanted to be different. I wanted to lash out at my parents. I was hugely mixed up. I wasn't being abused.

What's the relationship like with her dad? How long has he worked away?

My dad worked away when I was a teen and it does have an impact.

You’ve said you’ve offered her phone back to her but she doesn’t want it? This seems like a big flag to me- either she’s got another one from somewhere and is hiding it from you so doesn’t need her original one back, OR she was/ is being targeted somehow via social media. You need to figure out which, because a 14 year old not wanting their phone back is a bit strange.

@warofthemonstertrucks have you RTFT?

Honestly, I'm not getting from the posts that you listen much to your DD. There's lots of talk about how wonderful your home is, how much you do for her, how much you love her..but nothing at all about how she feels from her perspective in all this and her emotional connection with you (other than saying she doesn't want to live with you). Do you do things together just one on one? Do you listen to her talk openly about her feelings, actively and without telling her she's wrong to feel that way or arguing with her? When i was upset a favourite of my mum was to tell me i couldnt possibly be upset because of how great my life was, listing very similar things to what you have listed here (supporting hobbies etc). She also didnt enforce any boundaries and as a result i ended up in dangerous situations like it sounds your DD is also doing. Enforcing boundaries shows your children you love them and will keep them safe. Doing things for your children is totally different to building a strong emotional connection with them - it sounds like this is what she is seeing in the other families and is jealous of tbh. Kids with a strong emotional connection to their parents don't want to run away from them. There's lots of great books about this you could look into, or as a PP suggested seeking some professional guidance.

Yes I have. None of it suggests to me that the child is being abused in the home. It describes a mixed up teenager who is acting on ways she probably doesn't understand herself to try to figure out how she feels.
Which is what I was and what my Dd is now-for no other reason than huge insecurity and probably a genetic propensity towards depression.

She sounds ill actually. Has her baseline physical health situation been tested? Can you afford a private consultation with a psychiatrist?

Also sorry just seen this

"I did try crying in front of her telling her how worried I was and she replied saying put me in care then ."

I'm not surprised she said this - you're the adult and you tried to make her, a child, responsible for your feelings. That's emotional manipulation. You're telling her you don't care how she feels, it's her job to just 'behave' to keep you happy or you will cry! You should be listening to HER feelings and regulating your own to show her a calm and safe presence so she can open up. Sorry OP you really have got this all backwards and in the kindest possible way please please get some proper guidance.

@babbi

No not judgemental about these other families . That's what they themselves have told me . They have been very kind saying "but why " and that's what we think too . Why ?

She hasn't been abused at home , she says she has a good home to professionals

My not working is purely practical , I worked part time in a senior professional role until she was 10 but due to my husbands role taking off and working away snd having a younger child it was better for us and as an older mum I had worked full time for many years and talk positively about work but also happy with our decision . My dh also has no issues with me not working and recognised that I was the person before children that I was the high earner who helped him get on his feet now he is supporting us happily

I also have a full life with good friends and my dd s both see me having fun with friends and interests .

My Dd loves to go for drives and listen to music , we share the same tastes and she used to chat along but now she is quiet , she comes but is very guarded and will often say i don't want to talk .

Last week I took her to a music group I go to . I said I would like to spend some time with her . She came reluctantly snd really enjoyed saying it was " freeing " she said it stopped her thinking about her worries . I replied I'm always here to listen whenever , even if I'm asleep wake me up . She said she didn't want to talk and walked away asking me to be quiet .

she will come round op
let her be 14 at home
no hysteria - enough of the hand wringing
she has her friends you have yours

I agree with this, I'm afraid. You're the adult, you need to be an emotional safe space for her. She needs to be comfortable opening up to you and telling you about her concerns without worrying that it's going to become all about you and how you feel.

are there any other relatives she might bond with?

how is her appetite and weight?

It’s hard to say what’s going on but I suspect her relationship with the previous bf probably has had a big impact.
What you are doing is great. She is getting counselling. You are getting support right left and centre. I’m not sure you can do more, however heartbreaking it is.

The only think I can think about is having family counselling. Not because I think you (as parents) are at fault but to protect your relationship with your dd. Ensure you are not inadvertently pushing her away. But that she still feels you are there to support her iyswim.

I cried in front of her a year ago , never since . Even through the overdose and suspected pregnancy we told her we were there for her and want to help .

I have asked for a medical / psychiatrist appt but GP wants to see how SS work goes first .

Op-you sound to me like you are escrislkybdoing everything you can. It's very easy for people to say 'spend 1-1 time with her' when that is sometimes the last thing they will agree to.
All you can do is carry on telling her you love her, being clear on the boundaries you have in place, having frank conversations about consequences and listening to her if she ever does talk.
I hope camhs will help. Is it crisis team? They were rubbish at first for us-all the did was mindfulness with dd. Fortunately we had one nurse who realised that was useless and pushed the consultant to give her anti depressants and a low dose anti-physcotic which also helps her sleep. 4 weeks in and she is much calmer and more rational. And there is some realisation about how she has behaved though there is a long way to go.

Why is everyone saying 'there must be something more going on?'. How much more do you want than an abusive and sexual relationship at 14? Presumably her first or one of her first relationships? Nothing else to compare it too, not experience of knowing how to have boundaries or walk away etc? It has probably fucked her world view. Why do grown women on the relationship board get so much support in an abusive relationship but a still very young girl is called a "little madame"?!?

OP the difference between what happened (and likely still happening in some form) to her and your family life is probably too much for her to cope with. Other families might seem closer to the chaos and so more real or safe. Children will often cope with abuse by convincing themselves that it's fine and normal and not abuse. So behaving chaotically aligns with this. Your nice normal ways may highlight to her how not nice and normal her situation is.

Put aside your view of 'you have had such a good home life' and just listen to your daughter. Stop punishing a distressed child. Ask her what she wants, explore with her how she feels her life would be better with other families. Have a look at Therapeutic Parenting. It's really practical, so says to deal with running away by feeding them when the come home. (Way more to it than that obviously). The A-Z book is a great starting point.

I would really push the gp for that sort of medical intervention. They don't like to Medicate teens for good reason but sometimes it's the only thing that helps.

@SingingInParadise

Thank you for your supportive words

We really are trying . And she knows we love her . I'm just v worried .

The social worker has said she will be supporting all our actions trying to get out dd to see we are just being good parents to her .

Will she ever talk about the abusive boyfriend? Is she scared of him now? I really feel for you as this time can be really traumatic for teens and to be around teens.

Wow.

The last bf was abusive , first she lied and covered up , then she told me and I supported her , then the evidence of abuse was seen by someone and reported and she changed it back to it was just okay fighting , denying what she said to me.
All this is completely normal from someone who's been abused. Your daughter's been through something that can be a very traumatic here and it reads like your biggest issue is the fact she lied. Do you have any idea how that feels? How powerless you feel and how terrifying it is, how much damage it does not to feel safe anymore? Some of this abuse may have even happened in her home. You've focused on how great her family life has been that there's basically no reason for her not to be happy and then there's this. Your daughter's behaviour is screaming out at you saying something is really wrong for her, focus on that, focus on helping her through whatever this is. What she's said, that she wants to leave, it hurts so much, but you're, focusing on your pain and her behaviour and you're missing the point. 14 is still nowhere near being an adult. Her behaviour is communicating something to you, she might not know what that is, but she is hurting.