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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Wants to leave home 14 years old what would you say

198 replies

mumofblu · 09/07/2022 01:11

Just that . We are having a terrible time with our d .
We are a family of 4 . Stable , Married . She's our eldest and has had a very good childhood . We are not wealthy but fortunate enough for me to be a stay at home mum and treat our children thorough supporting hobbies and interests . Both children encouraged with friendships and until the last year appeared very happy . Now it's exploded . Our once happy family is shredded , our eldest makes it clear she doesn't want to live at home with us anymore . No arguing just saying that she wants to live somewhere else with others. She's told parents of her friends that she prefers their families ( lots of children , divorced parents , family issues , chaotic lives compared to us ) . The kids are nice but the parents are honest in how difficult their lives are .
We are fairly problem free , both girls enjoy privileges of lots of interests . And we give lots of attention and welcome her friends . We have a large family room that we have used for parties and sleepovers but she just wants to live somewhere else and it's breaking my heart .

I don't show her how much she upsets me but it's getting harder and harder .

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofblu · 09/07/2022 05:32

Thank you everyone
I wrote this last night in desperation after sobbing . I had just dropped her over at a sleepover with a friend listening to her saying how wonderful these other mothers are and how she fits in so well in other families . I said nothing and just exploded when I got home . Hence the post .

She is in therapy but of course I don't know what's being discussed . She likes going . We have social services starting with us as a family to try and work out what's happening. .

The phone was taken from her when she was so aggressive and trying to leave the house at 10pm we had to call the police for help . We've offered the phone back with restrictions but she has refused them saying she would rather not have it , restrictions are reasonable and supported by social worker .

She is v mad at me this week because her dad works away and I have to care for younger child and older dd wants me to attend sexual health with her for depo injection . We put her on contraception after a pregnancy scare in March as advised by Gp . But I think her and the boy have split up now so I have no idea who this is for . The last bf was abusive , first she lied and covered up , then she told me and I supported her , then the evidence of abuse was seen by someone and reported and she changed it back to it was just okay fighting , denying what she said to me .

It's so hard because we love her and we tell her but she just pushes me away saying she wants to live somewhere else .

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 09/07/2022 05:33

When people go on about how great their kids childhoods are or how great their home is, they are usually talking about how it is great for them and fail to see it may not be so great for their dc.

SurpriseSurprise · 09/07/2022 05:34

She sounds incredibly unhappy. I agree with PP’s family therapy is needed here

Original poster
mumofblu · 09/07/2022 05:36

@KatherineJaneway

She's told the social worker we are great parents who love her and give her great opportunities. But she wants to leave !

We are just so confused and worried and upset

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 09/07/2022 05:46

mumofblu · 09/07/2022 05:36

@KatherineJaneway

She's told the social worker we are great parents who love her and give her great opportunities. But she wants to leave !

We are just so confused and worried and upset

Hence thinking there must be something else going on. As pp said, family therapy might help.

SunshinePie · 09/07/2022 06:31

I hate to say it, but OP you are turning a blind eye to something. Denial is a really odd phenomenon, but you probably know deep down exactly what the cause is. You are on mn looking for reassurance that you are a good mum, but I get the feeling that there is lots you are missing out of these posts. Like saying she’s got a wonderful life …then casually slipping in that DD had an abusive ex…🤦‍♀️ In the kindest way I think the OP needs therapy, asap.

Cocowatermelon · 09/07/2022 06:35

So she’s asking for contraception and you don’t want to take her to the appointment because her last bf was horrible and abusive? OP that doesn’t make sense. Leave the younger sibling on a play date with a friend or something and take her to the clinic.
If she’s got some new unsuitable bf lined up that she’s not telling you about then it’s doubly important she doesn’t get pregnant to him!
Taking her to the clinic doesn’t mean you’re condoning underage sex. It’s limiting the damage that can come from that behavior. The Sexual Health nurse will likely talk to her about the importance of condoms to protect against STIs and she may even ask about relationships. Probably the best way to handle things is to go to the appointment and either wait in the waiting room so your Dd is more likely to open up to the nurse or go in with her if she wants you in the appointment but find a reason to leave her with the nurse alone once she’s more comfortable (the nurse may well even encourage this).

TheSoundOfLunch · 09/07/2022 06:36

You can keep saying, “But, but..,” and it changes nothing.

Your daughter is telling you she feels unhappy. She couldn’t be clearer. Listen to her. Ask her what it is she needs from you.

Why is Social Sevices involved?

FreudayNight · 09/07/2022 06:40

She doesn’t mean “live with another family” though. She means “have a holiday at one of my mates’ houses”. She certainly expects to have all the benefits you provide and to retain the right to change her mind.

she’s just being an entitled little Madam and your job is to start calling that out.

I’d laugh at her.

TheSoundOfLunch · 09/07/2022 06:47

I really don’t think you should have punished her at all for being aggressive and trying to leave the house at 10pm. That is behaviour of a child in distress.

My daughter once had a big meltdown and wanted to leave at night, like you I phoned police for help. They were busy and couldn’t come out. In the morning I took my daughter to the GP to get a referral for MH support.

My son also did a night flit. Not out of distress, he just thought it would be “cool”. Boy I felt so mad and worried and all sorts of things but that’s my stuff. With him I just talked - and listened. I did ground him for one week but didn’t take his phone off him. Lots of discussion about keeping safe. He admitted it hadn’t actually occurred to him he might be putting himself at risk. He was upset with himself for upsetting me. But that’s teenage life, they do dumb stuff and we help guide them to make better decisions, always reiterating how much we love them.

Solasum · 09/07/2022 06:51

Have you considered sending her to boarding school, possibly for 6th form? If she is doing well academically, scholarships might be a possibility. She would then have a bit more space from you, but still be in a safe environment and able to spread her wings a bit more

PritiPatelsMaker · 09/07/2022 06:57

I would tell everyone to stop entertaining this.Tell her she is grounded till she can be trusted to go out and if she wants to leave home she needs to work hard at school so she can afford to leave home...

There seems to be far too much emotion involved

When DD (same age) mutters about wanting to leave home we have the same conversation. I sympathise that she doesn't get to choose where she lives for now but point out that if she want to move out and not be desperately poor she needs to do well in school and plan her career.

Maurepas · 09/07/2022 06:57

Can she be encouraged to do sport/more sport? Believe it helps clear the mind.

MintJulia · 09/07/2022 07:02

She's 14, she's probably a bit bored with her lovely life. It isn't very exciting compared to the stuff she see on tv - think the more gruesome soaps - and what she hears from her friends. She probably sees their lives as much more drama filled and 'grown up'.
She has no understanding of the misery all that drama entails.

She's growing up and sounds like she needs a bit more independence, that's all.

When she goes somewhere, don't automatically offer to collect her, tell her to get the bus or find her own way home. Be there for her less often.Create a few more challenges for her. Let her try out her 'grown up' skills.

PritiPatelsMaker · 09/07/2022 07:04

Just seen your update about SS and BFs. Is there a chance she's being exploited?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 09/07/2022 07:10

The thing with teenagers is that developmentally they are designed to resist and move away from family.

I remind my dd of this and that it is natural and normal but that financially it will be advantagous for her if she can hang on until she can go to university.

MolliciousIntent · 09/07/2022 07:14

OP, you sound incredibly blase about the abuse your daughter has experienced, and the trauma of a pregnancy scare. She sounds incredibly vulnerable and I think it's highly likely that she's still being abused or exploited in some way. Have you had a good look through her phone?

PritiPatelsMaker · 09/07/2022 07:17

OP, you sound incredibly blase about the abuse your daughter has experienced, and the trauma of a pregnancy scare. She sounds incredibly vulnerable and I think it's highly likely that she's still being abused or exploited in some way. Have you had a good look through her phone?

I'd be looking for a second phone too.

Hellocatshome · 09/07/2022 07:21

You seem to have glossed over the fact your 14 year old has already had a pregnancy scare and now wants to go on contraception. This to me does not fit with the lovely homely middle class life you have tried to paint in your OP. Something is going on here and you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and try to find out what it is. Kids don't have therapy and social services involvement because they calmly say to their parents they feel they would fit better in a different family.

clpsmum · 09/07/2022 07:22

PritiPatelsMaker · 09/07/2022 07:17

OP, you sound incredibly blase about the abuse your daughter has experienced, and the trauma of a pregnancy scare. She sounds incredibly vulnerable and I think it's highly likely that she's still being abused or exploited in some way. Have you had a good look through her phone?

I'd be looking for a second phone too.

This. She is a child who is suffering. She is 14 and had a pregnancy scare. Was this underage sex or rape? Her boyfriend was abusive. She is asking you for help and you are saying no. She is trying to deal with trauma and you're not allowing her to . She is 14 she is a child, listen to her for a start

TheWeeDonkey · 09/07/2022 07:23

PritiPatelsMaker · 09/07/2022 07:17

OP, you sound incredibly blase about the abuse your daughter has experienced, and the trauma of a pregnancy scare. She sounds incredibly vulnerable and I think it's highly likely that she's still being abused or exploited in some way. Have you had a good look through her phone?

I'd be looking for a second phone too.

I'd be checking her Internet history too. This looks like classic signs of grooming and sexual exploitation.

You need to take this seriously OP, you think you have a healthy happy daughter but there's something seriously wrong going on here.

MsTSwift · 09/07/2022 07:27

So sorry op but this is far beyond normal. Have 2 girls similar age and lots of friends similar age kids and none behaving like this. Agree with others I would be worried some sort of grooming is going on.

TeddybearBaby · 09/07/2022 07:28

Thank you everyone
I wrote this last night in desperation after sobbing . I had just dropped her over at a sleepover with a friend listening to her saying how wonderful these other mothers are and how she fits in so well in other families . I said nothing and just exploded when I got home . Hence the post .

Why on earth didn’t you say anything?! Parents always think they’re protecting their children by censoring what they say but actually it can make things worse. I think you’re better off telling her how it makes you feel when she says that and having a conversation. I’m not sure what the ‘I haven’t let her see me upset’ stuff is about. I’d be absolutely beside myself in your position and I think that’s ok.

Mycatsgoldtooth · 09/07/2022 07:29

This was me and my parents eventually gave in and let me move out at 15. Straight into, what I now see, as very dangerous situation with a much older man. Posters saying she needs more freedom, I look back and wish I had less. Would have saved me so much trauma. Family therapy OP as there is stuff happening that needs addressing in your family. Wishing you all well, it sounds really hard.

Fireflygal · 09/07/2022 07:29

She sounds as if she has very low self esteem and feels like an outsider in her home.

Is she at a pushy academic school?