Wants to leave home 14 years old what would you say

[mumofblu]

Just that . We are having a terrible time with our d .
We are a family of 4 . Stable , Married . She's our eldest and has had a very good childhood . We are not wealthy but fortunate enough for me to be a stay at home mum and treat our children thorough supporting hobbies and interests . Both children encouraged with friendships and until the last year appeared very happy . Now it's exploded . Our once happy family is shredded , our eldest makes it clear she doesn't want to live at home with us anymore . No arguing just saying that she wants to live somewhere else with others. She's told parents of her friends that she prefers their families ( lots of children , divorced parents , family issues , chaotic lives compared to us ) . The kids are nice but the parents are honest in how difficult their lives are .
We are fairly problem free , both girls enjoy privileges of lots of interests . And we give lots of attention and welcome her friends . We have a large family room that we have used for parties and sleepovers but she just wants to live somewhere else and it's breaking my heart .

I don't show her how much she upsets me but it's getting harder and harder .

OP this sounds like my daughter in some respects. When she hit 14 and started her periods it was like a bomb went off in her head. She's now an adult and it took many years to get her mental health to a fairly stable place, with some blips. Things weren't perfect but they were by no means horrendous - I genuinely believe that the minute she started her periods it messed with her whole body and her hormones. It was almost an overnight change. It might be a long road ahead and she'll test every single part of you but don't give up, no matter how bad it gets. She won't be enjoying living in her head. The world is a horrible and confusing place for teenagers in this millennium.

so you have having counselling already?
hope you can get help from this thread, some suggestions, plenty actually.

Tell her to find a family that would be willing/ happy to take on an unhappy teen. If she can find one, all well and good. See how long it lasts before she wants to come home.

Does she have a mentor? It's a different function from therapy

You could ask her therapist if they think this might be a good idea, social services might also consider this

Some people here have said some appalling things. Little madam, laugh at her. Tell her she’s going into care with nothing. Stop pandering to her.

If these posters have children, we will no doubt see them on the Stately Homes threads in the future.

she sounds like a traumatised child and her behaviour is the way she is communicating her distress.

@mumofblu you've had some v good advice here (and some very bad). Maybe get yourself over to Childrens Mental Health as you will hear some more similar stories and get some support from people who have been there. I'm just coming out of the other side.

I realise your first post would have been huge if you had included everything but the assault a 8yrs old by an older boy will have been v traumatising and therefore unfortunately your first post about everything going well up to recently is not v true. She perhaps has PTSD, when asking for mental health support have you stressed her assault when younger? (as you seem to have mentioned it as an afterthought here, sorry if that's not the case)

She's hurting, she's struggling and she needs help. Puberty has its own traumas without any extras added and even the strongest most supportive families end up having a very difficult time with their teenagers, its life.

Read The letter your teenager can't write you

Forgot to say, best wishes, I hope things get easier for yourself and your DD

@MrsVeryTired

Thankyou I will get myself over to mental health .

Things were going well until a year ago , that's what I meant . And I've been trying ever since .

I expected some negative remarks tbh but had some thoughtful responses too

Kindness back to you too x

And my first thought was trauma when it started a year ago . That's why trauma counselling was first in place .

It's very difficult, we had similar "issues" with DD at 15...
In the end, we sat her down and examined to her that she is our child and we are responsible for her. Therefore she has to stay with us. However, as soon as she hits 18 she is free to go.
Guess what, she is 18 and not moving out.

Was the pregnancy scare a result of her relationship? I only ask as I was a bit of unruly teen and trying to think of possible scenarios. Read your updates and I am sorry that you are all going through this x

Life is so fucking hard at every single age isn't it? Sending hugs

@Ylvamoon

That's exactly what we have said with the add on that we love her and we wouldn't be doing a good job if we let her go .

How can you say things were fine until one year ago? This girl was attacked at 8 (6 years ago), then had an abusive bf, then a pregnancy scare, and an overdose!!

You mean, things were fine when she was not being a nuisance to you, because she's been suffering for a long time!

As they say, Cleopatra is not the only queen of denial!!

Good luck to your DD, and in 20 years, we will welcome her in the stately homes thread.

You only reply to the posters who agree with you, so what's the point? You're seriously deluded an on denial, so I give up wasting my time on this thread.

@bringon2020

Well I'm replying to you .So

Yes assaulted. Police informed no action

Her behaviour was genuinely not a problem to us or her until a year ago then everything I have written has happened in last year .

A parent in denial would do nothing .

We are doing everything and asking if we have missed anything from other parents experiences . Fighting for counselling. School support , social services , police ,

She is a massive risk to herself and her wanting to move out is another indicator .

So shoot your poison arrow because compared to the hell of watching our dd hurting and trying to look after our dd your word hardly touch

Have a great day

Okay I've just gone through something similar with a friends daughter who is the same age as my teen son.

Put your foot down and tell these other parents under no circumstances must they offer a place to live. Sleepovers fine but not to live.

Also if she's got an implant they can make your hormones go crazy and really don't help her state of mind? Maybe look into another form of contraception?

My teen always thought the grass was greener too, they all do it's just a phase.

I read every book about handling teens I could get my hands on and it really helped me communicate with them.

Friends daughter left home at 14, failed all her GCSEs and at the age of 19 regrets every single thing she was 'allowed' to do. Her parents caved in and sent her off and it was an absolute disaster!

Teens love boundaries not that you'd know by there reaction to them, but they need guidance, listening to, and boundaries set.

Maybe try the 'when you've passed your GCSEs you are free to do as you please line?
She will change by the time she's 16, it gets easier. But this is the stage where you put your foot down!

I do not mean this negatively and you sound like an amazing family, maybe too good for your daughter..... think about it...she wants to be around ' troubled' families.

There is clearly something going on that she doesn't feel good enough for your family.

This is possibly why she can't explain her feelings to you.

She sounds like a girl with very low respect for herself.

OP I hope this makes sense and as I said you sound like an amazing Mum.

You need to ask why.

It sounds like you do lots for her and afford her lots of opportunities.

But in all honesty are they what you think she wants and needs or what she wants and needs?

My ds left home by stealth at 14 & moved in with his dad for a year until it all went tits up & I got a phone call asking me to pick him up as his dad had thrown him out.

Tell her that you need a talk.
She needs to pack it in. You dont just move out at 14 just because your parents annoy you. Tell her that her mates cooler parents undoubtedly all annoy them too.
Shes not abused or tormented. She has a pretty decent life, so suck it up

Shes not abused or tormented. She has a pretty decent life, so suck it up

But she had been abused. That's pretty shocking way to deal with a girl who was abused at 8 and then has been in an abusive relationship, had a PG scare and may be vulnerable to grooming.

She's in the same class / year as abusive ex . I think he finished with her because his parents stopped it . His dad who doesn't live with them is apparently an abusive drugs dealer and he threatened my dd when they were out together and he was supposed to be at his nanas where he was sent to keep away from dd after the pregnancy scare . I think she saw herself as the rescuer in their relationship but he was controlling her . If she was out with me he wanted me to verify what she told him about where she had been which I wasn't happy about . But I often saw him out with other girls when she told me he was not allowed out . She's had an awful time when I think about this

I wonder if she blames you for being part of the abuse.

It was HIS parents who made him end the relationship (even though you knew what was happening) whilst you were supporting the abuse by being on his side and telling him where she had been and allowing her to be controlled.

I know you were doing what you think was best but you essentially choosing him over her would definitely be something that has had a massive impact on her.

A parent is meant to be someone who you can trust and feel safe around but you knew what was going on and not only allowed the abuse to continue but actively took part in it.

I think her behaviour is trying to communicate to you that she thinks she’s worthless and not past of the family. Because of the trauma she thinks these things and she’s pushing and pushing to “prove” it so she can say

see told you told you I was shit. You’ve put me out of the house.

that’s what I think this is about.

“I know you want to leave. And until you’re 18 that’s juts not possible. We can make this house as comfortable as you’d like within reason. We love you. I want you to stay”

There are different levels of denial. There is something seriously lacking to your DD, otherwise she wouldn't be behaving like that.

My DM was great on paper. And dedicated, and everything. Only she wasn't. She didn't see me as a person, she never took notice of what I was feeling. Etc, etc.

You talk a lot about what your DD is doing and saying. Fair enough. But do you have any idea of how she is FEELING? Do you know what she WANTS?

(She says she wants to live with another family. Why is that? What is it she craves in other houses? How does she feel elsewhere? How does she feel when she's home? What is bothering her? What kind of things she thinks of herself so she got into an abusive relationship? She may not know, but this is the kind of information that may help her.)

By the way, stop for a while thinking of how much YOU are suffering. She is a child, put her feelings in first place, please.

There is something seriously lacking to your DD, otherwise she wouldn't be behaving like that.

Did you miss the bit where the OP explained that her DD was a victim of abuse at the age of 8?! Unresolved trauma (possibly exacerbated by an abusive relationship) is a completely plausible explanation for the behaviour, regardless of how loving the family is.