Wants to leave home 14 years old what would you say

[mumofblu]

Just that . We are having a terrible time with our d .
We are a family of 4 . Stable , Married . She's our eldest and has had a very good childhood . We are not wealthy but fortunate enough for me to be a stay at home mum and treat our children thorough supporting hobbies and interests . Both children encouraged with friendships and until the last year appeared very happy . Now it's exploded . Our once happy family is shredded , our eldest makes it clear she doesn't want to live at home with us anymore . No arguing just saying that she wants to live somewhere else with others. She's told parents of her friends that she prefers their families ( lots of children , divorced parents , family issues , chaotic lives compared to us ) . The kids are nice but the parents are honest in how difficult their lives are .
We are fairly problem free , both girls enjoy privileges of lots of interests . And we give lots of attention and welcome her friends . We have a large family room that we have used for parties and sleepovers but she just wants to live somewhere else and it's breaking my heart .

I don't show her how much she upsets me but it's getting harder and harder .

Definitely something else going on here that you’re not telling us OP.

Did SS become invoked simply because DD calmly stated she’d like to move out? Surely not.

you cant see the wood for the trees op.
you are determined your dd has had a perfect upbringing.

i think you need to listen to her,
no need for her to move out, but at least listen to her, or find someone who will

@TheSoundOfLunch MN at its best. That's very wise advice

i think you should have some one to one time with her

Again thankyou everyone .

We contacted SS when she had pregnancy scare . I arranged blood test because a friend called me to say she'd heard my dd may be pregnant . She had a mental health assessment at A&E after threatening an overdose . We arranged counselling immediately . Each time we have asked for help and finally we get it after she left the home overnight a month ago and had to inform the police . A week later she tried to do the same and attacked her dad when he hid the keys and she couldn't get out so the police were called again .
We tried telling her we love her and want to only keep her safe . I did try crying in front of her telling her how worried I was and she replied saying put me in care then .

For those who say we are blasé . This is not the case at all . It may appear like that in text . We are desperately worried about her and want her to be happy again and to trust us that we will support her however much she pushes us .

This started a year ago with a few small acts of normal teenage type stuff that we told her off with . No grounding , no phone removal . And it's just accelerated.

I don't believe she has a second phone , she sits downstairs with us in evenings watching tv .

I have worried about grooming but she's not physically out of our sight . We've mentioned this to social services but without having the code to get in her phone we don't know what's happening on it . Social services are starting this week .

Sport ? she does lots . Football 3 times a week , DofE , volunteering . Martial arts . All at her request .

No divorce or blended family , younger sibling that she has told SS she loves and she does but younger is becoming afraid of dd aggression when we try to stop her leaving .

I arranged contraception and have told her I will take her again but she has to go and discuss it with sexual health as since she started it she has started getting bald patches that could be linked with injection . That's gp advice . I go to all appointments with her . She knows we don't agree with her having sex at this age but would rather not have her pregnant and we don't allow her to have sex in the house .

SS have assessed and are involved purely on her risky behaviour .
What else can we do ?
How do I keep myself sane ?
I hate to see her like this

She can’t so just make that clear and I would gloss over the comments. Teenagers love to tell you how wonderful everyone else’s family is. You need a thicker skin. Stop questioning yourself and what you have done as a family. It’s her, not you. She’ll eventually grow up!

Sadly MrsLargeEmbodied I think the OP is stuck on her image of having provided a "good middle class girl from a good middle class home" and isn't willing to face up to the fact that things have gone badly wrong and her DD is really struggling.

Still can't quite get my head around not going with her to get contraception. I really wouldn't want my 14 yo DD being sexually active but this girl already is and asked for help from her Mum.

I noticed she'd referred to her as D and DD as well and also hoped it was a mistake.

Granted I had only read the op when I posted but I still think similar...

Help and attention can come in different forms.

Does her mental and sexual health/choices need investigated absolutely.

Is she benefitting from her mother flapping around her overthinking every conversation, thought and feeing and indulging what are quite typical teen notions, probably not!

kids thrive of boundaries and sometimes those boundaries come in the form of a cold hard get a grip!

On a lighter note, as parents of tweens/teens I thought it was a rite of passage to be told things like “Rachel’s parents are soooo young and cool” “Lauren could fit our entire house into her front hall”

🙄🤣

have you asked the school for parenting groups?
i know my dd school had that? as advised by camhs

or ask your gp surgery/sw?

I was going to say it’s quite common for teens to say they want to live with other people but reading on it’s obvious that there are some massive issues here!

My DD is the same age as yours. I also work with teenagers.

It is not normal that a 14 year old has SS involvement, sees a therapist, has had pregnancy scares and an abusive ex!

There are obviously a lot of serious issues that you are downplaying and some of which will stem from family life.

You know this which is why you befriended her friends parents and they’re offering for her to stay at theirs - no one offers to take on a teen (especially one with so many issues) if they didn’t think she needed help.

You need to seriously look at your home life either now or what happened in the past as you sound in denial.
We can’t give you any proper advice unless you start being honest with yourself.

My mum was in hospital multiple times because of DV, we often had to leave in the middle of the night and sleep in the car, we would drive around knocking on everyone’s door to find the OW and have screaming and fighting over us, we had to give statements to police and many times we had to live with my gran. My mum also had MH issues and we’d have to steal food to eat - we didn’t have the worst childhood in the world but it definitely wasn’t the best yet my mum will say we had a really good childhood because she’s in denial/blocked out all of the bad bits.

Do you have any family members she can live with?
I’m really concerned that she’s having sex and relationships with boys that are no good and this is going to continue as she’s going to try and find somewhere to live.
If an older man says she can live with him she’s going to jump at the chance.

For now you need to really listen to her as teens need to know they’re being heard and ask if there’s anything that will make home life better.

If possible you can compromise and see if she can live with you during week days and maybe at her nans on weekends if she’s behaved.

I’d also help her to look for a college with accommodation for when she’s 16 so she’s staying in education and away from her abusive ex and she can see that you’re helping her with what she wants.
You can use it to bond with each other by researching them on the internet and going to see them ready for when she leaves school.

I guess the op has had a difficult upbringing herself and there is a gap in the ability to recognise emotional distress . Best wishes to you, op, you clearly love your dd. Please don't self-censor and instead let her know exactly how you're feeling xxx

I expect many teenagers fanrasise about leaving home. I certainly did

But OP is describing far more serious situation. All behaviour is communication. This 14 year old sounds like she's in a difficult place. Being sexually active at 14, running away from home, police / social work / CAMHS involvement etc. That's not normal. And if she's not fussed about getting her phone back, I'd assume she has a new one now

Read all your posts... only thing that caught my attention was this one. Your DD stretched the time till 10pm... is that on a weekend?

I think you are spot on with this .
OP I suggest that you read again your opening post and pay attention to how you describe the other families .
it’s not very nice and a bit judgemental.
you appear to have your firm ideas of how families and parenting works and what is right .
I think you have an almost formulaic/ tick the correct box approach to these things .
ie if you do x,y,z job done everything will be ok ..
I stayed at home to parent therefore expect a good family outcome

people / children are individuals … I expect your daughter feels pressured ..

Take time out and really think about your family , personalities , likes etc and reflect on what the conflicts are …
work with her a bit ..something has gone badly wrong if your daughter is so unhappy but somehow you seem bewildered because you have “ done the right things “ - but they haven’t worked for her .

parenting is so hard … biggest task we ever do but with no training .
I sincerely wish you well and your family …

(I find it strange that other parents are offering to help out and take her in these circumstances- are they seeing something that you don’t ? Could you ask them to be honest with you to get some insight ? That might be useful , sensible feedback ? Teenage feedback tends to be uninformed and slanted ! )

good luck

I'm really not hiding any family issues . Husband has to work away but as I don't work now I'm here .

She has a key and a bus pass to get around independently which is calmly taken off her if she has it at 8pm to stop her leaving .

She has a girl who's s long time friend around the corner whose mum has said she can go round in evening if she needs to cool off with our permission. We always say yes when possible because we know she will be safe there .

She has friendship issues in school which seem to be improving but lots of outside school friends that she really values and trusts . Wr have never criticised friends except the bf after she told me what he was doing and saying . He came from a violent home and I said maybe that's all what he knows .

Yes our home is comfortable but we both came from very lower working class and often tell our children about our childhoods and how we did work hard and we are lucky but that being happy is more important than the latest gadgets . We live quite modest . One car, messy house , was full of fun . Luckier than most .

OP - I don’t really have advice, but sending you good wishes. It seems v tough and you sound like you are trying hard.

I was basically your Dd, abusive bf and pregnancy scare included. I drank like a fish and rejected all the nice things my parents did for me. I was incredibly insecure and didn't like myself that much and that got projected towards my family even though I knew they had done nothing wrong. I was just a deeply unhappy kid. What I needed then but wasn't available was tbh medication.

Flash forward to now, DD2 is now the same. Sadly she attempted an overdose. Which was awful but also good because it meant we got the help we needed and had been asking for. Medicated and getting help from therapist we are, fingers crossed, starting to see our previously happy daughter come back.

It's bloody awful op-soils destroying. But I think there is a bit of mental
Illness there with your Dd and you need help and you might need to push for medication-just to get her to a level where she can engage with therapy properly even.

@Hatsoff5

No I meant leaving our house / running out at 10pm

She has to be in by 8/8:30 or later by agreement if at a friends house and we can pick her up .

but why should she need to go to a friends in the evening to cool off?

just communicate and listen and show her she doesnt need to go elsewhere - no deep chats, just at her pace

I think the first thing to do is to step away from the idea that your DD has a 'lovely' life and is being ungrateful for the opportunities you provide.

Reading everything you posted, she has a lot going on for a 14 year old. She has been through a lot, including experiences adults would find difficult to deal with. I'd start by telling her how much you love her and how important it is to you that she is safe and feels cared for.

Dd also had huge friendship issues going on-that was what pushed her over the edge. We tried to help but teenage girls are frankly awful. School couldn't help much either. We have moved her schools and so far so ok-but it's only been s few weeks. I don't think I'll ever really relax again anyway after nearly losing her like that.

She may feel a bit smothered and that you are over invested in her life. I'm afraid I don't think it is healthy or a good example to your daughters that you do not work. If you are busy with work issues it will give you something to focus on and moan about. It will make you normal and perhaps create a bit of respect for you. My children at that age were hugely supportive of me and my job. They appreciated the money and the fact that I had a life outside my family. They were proud of me.
Trying to 'Mummy' her as a teen can feel claustrophobic for your daughter. She is probably ready for a new kind of female role model.
She will come through this but make a vow to yourself to look for activities outside your home. Stop telling yourself that a perfect family has to have a SAHM being motherly and two well behaved children and start to see them as independent people.
I know of a girl whose mother had to be the best mother/best friend to her daughter and her daughter's friends. She overwhelmed them all. Her mother was bereft when her daughter left home for university and then got a job after uni in the same uni town. The girl told me that she loved her mother but her mother was too much and she constantly had to be looking after her mother because her mother had nothing else in her life.
Don't be that mother. Look for a job, volunteer, develop your own interests. Become someone that your teenage daughters can relate to respect in your own right.

There must be something else going if she wants to move out of the family home at 14. Have you talked to her? can she see a counsellor?

You might see the perfect family on the outside but it is not always that simple.

She is a minor and you are responsible for her care legally so you certainly don't want to see her move in with another family but you also need to get to the bottom of what is happening to her.