Wants to leave home 14 years old what would you say

[mumofblu]

Just that . We are having a terrible time with our d .
We are a family of 4 . Stable , Married . She's our eldest and has had a very good childhood . We are not wealthy but fortunate enough for me to be a stay at home mum and treat our children thorough supporting hobbies and interests . Both children encouraged with friendships and until the last year appeared very happy . Now it's exploded . Our once happy family is shredded , our eldest makes it clear she doesn't want to live at home with us anymore . No arguing just saying that she wants to live somewhere else with others. She's told parents of her friends that she prefers their families ( lots of children , divorced parents , family issues , chaotic lives compared to us ) . The kids are nice but the parents are honest in how difficult their lives are .
We are fairly problem free , both girls enjoy privileges of lots of interests . And we give lots of attention and welcome her friends . We have a large family room that we have used for parties and sleepovers but she just wants to live somewhere else and it's breaking my heart .

I don't show her how much she upsets me but it's getting harder and harder .

We have offered her to move schools and she doesn't want to .

She's in the same class / year as abusive ex . I think he finished with her because his parents stopped it . His dad who doesn't live with them is apparently an abusive drugs dealer and he threatened my dd when they were out together and he was supposed to be at his nanas where he was sent to keep away from dd after the pregnancy scare . I think she saw herself as the rescuer in their relationship but he was controlling her . If she was out with me he wanted me to verify what she told him about where she had been which I wasn't happy about . But I often saw him out with other girls when she told me he was not allowed out . She's had an awful time when I think about this

An abusive ex and a pregnancy scare at 14 I'm afraid I'd be seriously considering that she's been sexually assaulted or raped. Was the abusive ex the same age as her?

It is possible that something properly bad has happened that she's either unable to process, or that she doesn't feel worthy of your perfect family anymore.

I'd go with her to get depo as she's asked and the GP recommended it. Whatever has happened, pregnancy would be another huge problem right now that she just doesn't need.

How long has she been in counselling?

I'd also get yourself counselling if you can afford it. A safe place to process your emotions so you are more able to support your daughter.

OP, I recognise this.

My parents worked hard to give us a comfortable life. Far more comfortable than they had had. It did mean they focussed on material comfort rather than anything else. I still see this today when they are incredulous that someone wants to leave a marriage....but, but, they have a lovely house...!

My father worked away too. This is damaging to the child/parent bond. As an adult, I recognise he was an absent parent emotionally who thought his role was to provide a comfortable life for us all.

My mum saw her role as providing good food and clean clothes and a warm house. As you say, many have it worse.

But, there was no real emotional care. I was told I was loved as was my brother. He never believed it though.

I escaped through babysitting. I could be part of another family where they genuinely provided for each other emotionally. Once I was old enough, I left for Uni.

Your daughter is escaping through boyfriends and seeking that feeling of being cared for. Truly cared for. She knows what she wants to feel but she doesn't understand how to build it as she hasn't had that type of relationship before.

I'm sure your family is successful on the surface. You are giving your DC everything you never had. You maybe feel a little resentful that they do not appreciate all you have given them.

I begged my parents to attend family counselling with my brother and I but they could not understand what I was truly asking them for.

Your child needs something you cannot instinctively provide for her. You and your husband need therapy. I'm sure he will say he cannot because 'his job'. I heard it for 2 decades from my father.

You have a choice. This is a crossroads.

Totally agree with this. Also that family therapy might be worth trying.

There may be any number of things going on, whether within your home or not, and it's entirely possible it could be a mix of nature and other discomforts she may be unable to even articulate yet. What's important is that she knows you love her and want to support her and hear her, but that her school years should be her priority despite anything else.

I speak from experience of the other side of this- now, I really wish I could go back and stay in school etc because it entirely changed the course of my life and reduced my choices in some profound ways.

@stargirl1701

Couldn't disagree more with what you have said

Yes we are comfortable financially but don't spend on material things we do lots together as a family which is where most of money goes .

We all do martial arts together suggested by our Dd which is fun . Their dad took them camping for a weekend recently with other dads and they did cycling and go ape . We do lots of family fun things at weekends . He takes to cinema , meals out

He is not away every week and no more than two nights at a time .

We are definitely not emotionally unavailable.

She is great in school . Loves school
Also loves younger children and is genuinely great with them . She wants to work with disadvantaged ( like I did ) .

She is a real challenge , very able and impressive but very mixed up by something

you cant solve her op
you just need to ride out the storm

I feel for you as teen girls are really hard and can be so challenging. My first thought is she sounds incredible spoilt. You are doing everting for her and she is throwing it in your face as she thinks the grass is greener on the other side. She needs to be told that what she wants to do is not happening as she is still a child and until then she is staying put. I would ask your friends to not offer to let her stay too.
Hormones mess with young peoples minds and take a while to settle down.
oniy other thought is mental health. But if she is doing great and school and happy to be in others house to me she sounds more spoilt.
good luck

Honestly can you just let her move into a friends if this is an option? You all seem very unhappy and surely it’s worth trying to see if this will fix your relationship. When I moved out for uni my relationship with parents grew immensely. Or another result, she goes to live with friend and realises the grass isn’t greener on the other side and comes back to you.

Think of Maslow, OP.

I'm fairly certain your needs at the bottom of the pyramid were not met. Your parents worked to survive. This is a positive thing.

You broke that cycle and made sure your DDs needs from that bottom were met. You and your DH worked to be comfortable. This is a positive thing.

But, because you met those needs, your DC have moved up the pyramid with what they need. They need far more from you than you were ever provided.

I'm not surprised you disagree, OP. Truly I am not.

By material things I do not mean excessive consumerism. I mean a mortgaged house, a car that is well maintained, a house that is tidy and clean with nice furnishings, a kitchen with plenty of crockery, a well kept garden, clean and bright bathroom which is nice to use.

Plenty of books for DC, clubs for them to attend, regular days out, cinema, swimming pool, etc.

It is a comfortable life.

I realise that- and it's great. However these things can escalate more quickly than you realise I think. I was in the top sets for everything at school- until the situation imploded completely. So what I mean is, it's worth making sure that she knows she is (currently) getting that bit right, despite the other difficulties, and how important it is to keep that up. She obviously trusts you enough to tell you about contraception etc but then I also wonder if she needs you to push back a bit there. Sounds like she needs support with her self worth and her arsehole-ometer...

This. Exactly.

Your daughter has been through a traumatic experience. She has feelings that she doesn't understand and doesn't know how to deal with. She has gone into fight or flight mode and chosen flight! She is not doing any of this to purposely hurt you - she just doesn't know how to process the feelings she has.

You have done the right thing by getting her therapy - she needs it. I'd suggest that it would help you to also have some therapy. Definitely yes to contraception and support her with that. I'd definitely not be letting her stay at friends houses (other than the occasional "normal" sleepover) though - she wants to move out but she's 14 - she can't. That's one big boundary you have to put in - she can't get everything she wants.

I have been there and worn the t-shirt. My youngest was, at 14, groomed and raped by a 19 year old. We had no idea until she told a friend who told a teacher. It went to court and he was charged. She changed from a happy, outgoing girl to a child with PTSD who was very, very angry with the world. She would disappear constantly - she'd turn up at home eventually but it was a nightmare. She wanted to leave home to live with my mum. For no reason other than she couldn't process what had happened to her so she wanted to run away from it.

She had therapy - we were lucky as it was a woman who also specialised in sexual assault - which included sessions on her own, as a family and just for me and her dad (which helped us understand why she was doing what she was doing). She was bought home by the police on plenty of occasions.

Your daughters boyfriend may have been the same age as her but she was abused.

It was a long, long road. But by 17 she turned a corner and we now have a really good relationship. She will be 20 in 2 weeks - still lives at home (declaring that she will probably never leave as she likes her home comforts). She still struggles with her mental health but has a better understanding of it now and knows when a dip is coming and talks about it.

Good luck.

Sorry - when I said This exactly - forgot to include the post I meant!

This really worries me.

Very mixed up by something!!!! She has been abused. She is traumatised.

It really worries me that you don't seem to see this.

Tell her fine, you will phone Social Services on Monday and they can take her. Point out all her activities will have to stop, she will have no money and maybe placed in a foster home miles away or in a children's home anywhere in the country. Explain she can only take one small bag of belongings and that her phone contract will be stopped as of Monday morning. Bet she will have changed her mind by bed time and the drama Queen will be replaced by a little sheep.
She is being a typical teen, she see's her friends chaotic home lives as edgy and exciting and her own calm home life as dull and boring. Stop pandering to her and get tough.

SS are already involved slow.

With my teacher hat on, OP, if what I describe is not remotely possible then, statistically, the most probable cause of her behaviour is child sex abuse.

You need to consider any and every male she has contact with. Both family and outside the family.

The difficulties she is having as a young teen are the result of years of her life experience. They do not come from nowhere.

@stargirl1701
excellent post and I agree totally …

Instead of “asking her to talk” or saying “let’s talk” abandon that language all together.

Just be with her. Do things together-
scrapbooking
walk the dog
Painting the walls
cooking/baking.

just be and let the talk happen. Show her undivided attention that’s easy and relaxed and not laden with this expectation to “talk”

give her you love and communication that isn’t loaded and stressed with expectation and emotion.

There's nothing to agree or disagree, OP. Your DD is not happy. There are reasons for that. You may not know all the reasons, and right now you can't fix them. No amount of "disagreeing" will change that.

You say she tells the professionals she has a good family. It doesn't mean anything! She's just repeating what she heard, or saying what she thinks she is supposed to say.

I suggest you read "Toxic Parents". How was your relationship with your parents?

Going to go ape and having a laugh has nothing to do with feeling SEEN and EMOTIONALLY SAFE. Stop "disagreeing" and find out what is lacking to DD.

In many cases we don't even know what is lacking because we didn't have these things when we were growing up. So you have a tough job to do. First step: accept that your family, as it is, is not working.

Great advice from@Bunce1

It sounds like you have really done your best with her and she is being an ungrateful brat. Sorry you’re 14, you can make choices about where you live in a couple of years time.

There's nothing here to really say one way or the other, sometimes the not feeling like they fit can be due to being neurodiverse or having anxiety. Autistic girls can present very different to boys and are often diagnosed later because their struggles aren't so obvious. It might be worth looking at PDA, pathological demand avoidance, it's a subset of ASD.

I don't get why the social worker is trying to make your DD see that you're good parents. I'd think she'd push back on that. My DD has mental health struggles, telling her I'm a good parent wouldn't help her.

I'm having mental health counselling to help me stay sane to support my dd

She is having trauma counselling when she was assaulted by a boy aged 12 when she was 8 . We have always known this and she's talked about it but not wanted counselling before now . Started in February this year.

I believe she is traumatised by this and her last bf which is why we trying to do anything we can to keep her safe and support her through this

She has my undivided attention , long car drives , movie nights of her choosing , so much that my youngest is also being counselled because of the effects on her .

Our time together often involves her telling me constantly thst she wants to leave and do what she wants . I believe she is fighting against any control from us even a small amount as a reaction to her being controlled by abuse .

Im very familiar with Maslow hierarchy of need as part of my work .

I suppose my original thread title should have been "how do you keep a traumatised teenager safe "

As you can see there are so many layers but I just wasn't in the right place last night to put it all together in my original post