Wants to leave home 14 years old what would you say

[mumofblu]

Just that . We are having a terrible time with our d .
We are a family of 4 . Stable , Married . She's our eldest and has had a very good childhood . We are not wealthy but fortunate enough for me to be a stay at home mum and treat our children thorough supporting hobbies and interests . Both children encouraged with friendships and until the last year appeared very happy . Now it's exploded . Our once happy family is shredded , our eldest makes it clear she doesn't want to live at home with us anymore . No arguing just saying that she wants to live somewhere else with others. She's told parents of her friends that she prefers their families ( lots of children , divorced parents , family issues , chaotic lives compared to us ) . The kids are nice but the parents are honest in how difficult their lives are .
We are fairly problem free , both girls enjoy privileges of lots of interests . And we give lots of attention and welcome her friends . We have a large family room that we have used for parties and sleepovers but she just wants to live somewhere else and it's breaking my heart .

I don't show her how much she upsets me but it's getting harder and harder .

How are social services involced, and and counselling? There must be a lot you've missed out OP. I work alongsideSS and mental health services, the bar to access their services os high!

I know this suggestion is extreme but .. Is there any possibility she is being exploited / groomed by a gang of older men like in the cases that have been in the media these past few years ?
Families noted their girls getting argumentative , escaping the house late at night , going missing , being on edge at home etc . Do any of those strike a chord with you ?

How are social services involced, and and counselling? There must be a lot you've missed out OP. I work alongsideSS and mental health services, the bar to access their services os high

Much higher than her DD simply stating that she'd be a better fit in another family.

Your DD is 14, has had an abusive ex and a pregnancy scare, and your issue is she tells you that she doesn’t want to live with you.

I’d be far more concerned with what’s going on in her life to make all this even remotely possible rather than the fact she’s saying something you don’t agree with.

To me it sounds like you’re brushing some very real concerns under the carpet in order to maintain this ‘perfect’ family life. Your life is not quiet if you’ve got SS and a DD in therapy. No wonder she wants to move out she probably feels like you don’t see or hear her.

Is your family blended or are the younger siblings and your older daughter from the same father? Are there large age gaps? I’m just wondering if she feels pushed out by the younger siblings.

I was like this as a teen. Couldn't wait to get away. Had fantasies about running away to the local travel lodge and made lists of what I'd need. I felt completely smothered at home even though my family were just caring and loving. I assumed all teens felt like this. I'm now very close to my family but obviously still strong willed and independent. My brother never has a glimmer of wanting to leave home as a teen and is still living at home.

Had you also had a pregnancy scare by 14, a mother who wouldn't come with you to get contraception despite said pregnancy scare, in counselling and with social services involvement because if not this is not the same situation at all.

At 14, my DD’s transgressions were still limited to eating too many sweets and watching YouTube videos late at night, having snuck her phone somehow. She hadn’t tried alcohol or boys yet, certainly no sex or pregnancy scare or abuse from boys. And that was the case for most of her friendship group so I do not think it is normal what your DD has experienced. So I would start with the fact that she has definitely experienced some serious trauma already and work on healing that.
Secondly, hormones can trigger mental health issues. A friend’s daughter started exhibiting strange and extreme behaviour and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. So she was self medicating with her extreme behaviour. This is another common thing - undiagnosed mental health issues.
So please just love her unconditionally, explain you are setting healthy boundaries (it seems she is accepting of phone restrictions and ask for her input on those) and address 1) the trauma and 2) possible undiagnosed mental health issues and possibly 3) family dynamic issues. If she feels “messed up” then of course she feels like she doesn’t fit into your family anymore. Nobody is to blame. Love, patience, help tends to be the answers as well as talking therapy and appropriate medication (if applicable). Working on her self esteem will be crucial as well and her identity issues.

There will be a reason. You don't know what it is and to you her life seems perfect, but there's something that's making her this unhappy.

You need to create a situation where she can tell you that, no matter how hard it is to hear, rather than telling her how lucky she is.

A girl in DD's situation is extremely vulnerable to CSE and gangs. It sounds like you are fairly comfortably off. You need to get her some counselling to help her work through this and stop treating it as her being difficult.

I hope it was a typo that you couldn't bring yourself to call her DD.

Do you think she might be finding it difficult to conform to your idea of a perfect family? That's a lot of pressure. Maybe you have done everything right so she feels she could never live up to that, she can ever be as perfect as you want her to be. We're all just winging it really, but when you're young you don't realise that, you think everyone around you just 'gets' how life is and how to live it, you feel like you're the only one faking it 'til you make it. Have you tried being open and vulnerable, tell her all your own fuck ups over the years. Show her she does fit in.

There has to be another factor, could you get her a councillor to talk to and try figure out why this sudden change has occurred? Maybe even a trusted teacher?

@Hellocatshome I'd have never dared mention to my mum about contraception. So obviously there are differences

@PritiPatelsMaker indeed! There must be a big back story here.

Your dd is incredibly vulnerable right now, Op. She is a a child who has been abused. Her behaviour is a cry for help, remember that. And she is literally telling you that she doesn't feel part of her family.

I'm glad you are seeking support. There's so much to unpick here. But the priority must be to keep her safe - do you think that you are doing that?

There's a thread asking why anyone would send a child to boarding school. @mumofblu your situation would be one of those reasons. For whatever reason DD is unhappy at home. Having another family parent her is not a good option but what about a boarding school - could that give her what she's craving but keep her on the right track?

Maybe the ‘chaotic divorced single parent’ families are less judgemental, more supportive and open than your perfect but possibly impossible to live up to standards.

It sounds like your older DD might be the one to help her it’s sounds as though maybe they talk?

The lack of curiosity in OP’s posts is very disturbing.

Would family counselling help

I think you are over thinking this, shes a 14 year old girl with hormones who is pushing the boundaries.

Stop indulging her with all this worry and attention to the matter, you are literally throwing lighter fluid into the fire.

“DD we all sometimes want to be elsewhere, that’s life and believe me the grass isn’t always greener”

And then move on...

(I do have 3 DD’s so have a little bit of experience)

.
This

She is a fourteen year old child that is sexually active and had a pregnancy scare and is crying out for help. You seriously think giving her no attention. Is the answer???

Did you read the part where OPS daughter is being supported by SS and a therapist and at 14 had already had at least one sexual relationship what abusive and has asked her mum to help her access contraception.

It's easy to miss. From the first comments I thought the same as you, but something seriously disturbing is going on with this child that OP is unwilling or unable to confront.

The only time I pushed my parents away, it was because I was ashamed of myself and I felt 'observed' around them, I just wanted to be left alone. They had no idea and just loved me!

I got over it, but there's definitely a missing piece from your puzzle.

Also, do not do stony silence on your child, they will totally, totally misinterpret it.

My daughter is the same age and says similar to me all the time. I get pissed off not devastated. I just tell her when she's old enough to get a job she can start saving can't she and then when she's got enough can move out. But until then she's under my roof and likes it or lumps it

DS used to say he hated living with us when he was . I used to tell him that I would really miss him as I loved him and it would make me incredibly sad but if he really wanted to live somewhere else, we could talk about what his options were. I asked if he had any idea where he would prefer to live and if he did, I couldn't promise anything as sometimes things weren't possible but I'd look into it with him.

He always looked at me as if I was mad and said he didn't want to live somewhere else. Even if he had suggested somewhere ,I was pretty sure none of the options would have been possible though we might have gone through the motions of looking at them as options together, with all the pros and cons . Obviously if there is a viable other option ( like another parent who lives elsewhere) then there are other considerations to take into account before saying something like this.

I'd also use the opportunity to ask what might make living with us more bearable for him.
This led to some interesting conversations