Wants to leave home 14 years old what would you say

[mumofblu]

Just that . We are having a terrible time with our d .
We are a family of 4 . Stable , Married . She's our eldest and has had a very good childhood . We are not wealthy but fortunate enough for me to be a stay at home mum and treat our children thorough supporting hobbies and interests . Both children encouraged with friendships and until the last year appeared very happy . Now it's exploded . Our once happy family is shredded , our eldest makes it clear she doesn't want to live at home with us anymore . No arguing just saying that she wants to live somewhere else with others. She's told parents of her friends that she prefers their families ( lots of children , divorced parents , family issues , chaotic lives compared to us ) . The kids are nice but the parents are honest in how difficult their lives are .
We are fairly problem free , both girls enjoy privileges of lots of interests . And we give lots of attention and welcome her friends . We have a large family room that we have used for parties and sleepovers but she just wants to live somewhere else and it's breaking my heart .

I don't show her how much she upsets me but it's getting harder and harder .

I think you really need to think about getting a job. My own mother had five kids and worked until she was seventy. Both my grandparents worked. My mother died at 94 and her GP said the fact that she had worked for so long gave her some level of protection against dementia . Contrary to some old fashioned views working mothers have better relationships with their kids.
www.theguardian.com/world/2015/jun/24/having-a-working-mother-works-for-daughters

Wtf?

And the relationship with the issue the OP has is???

I didn’t realise we were talking about the OP getting dementia really…

@CallOnMe

I did end the relationship after they had unprotected sex in our house while I was in the garage and she was supposed to be getting changed for football and he ran upstairs , I told him and her they couldn't be in our house . She didn't stop seeing him , I let school know as he's a pupil at the school . I told his mum that next time his dad swore and threatened our daughter I would be calling the police , I told her I had seen the bruises that he had done and she said it was consensual, her dad said no boy should do that even if it was play fighting . She started lying to see him snd disappearing . She was on no uncertain terms aware of how wf felt about his treatment to her. She even agreed that we were right and told her she had our support to keep him away but he was still around
And no I told her I wouldn't verify where she was .
His parents ended his relationship with her because I sent the police round to find her when she went missing and they are not a family that want the police at their door
How was I part of the abuse . You totally didn't read what I put

Reading your posts op things that I thought.

I never felt good enough for my family and have realised my sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat bit does she feel comfortable as part of the family of 4. What is her role/perceived role?

How is her mental health some of this reads as she's trying to be less of a burden to you often this starts before the "saying goodbye"

is she typical of a 14 year old or could there be something else effecting these moods. Hormones/asd/poor self esteem. How is that matched to her sibling/parents? Are you all high achievers and she's simply not

Do you guys have a relationship outside of the mothering do you enjoy time together or is it just moaning/day to day.

Does she feel she fits in the different families better the adults relate or seem more interested etc

My mum asked me and then made it about her. Please listen to the answer. I then opened up to be met by my mother crying and saying she'd never been good enough for 20 years. Stopped that dialogue completely

She dislikes our home because it's too quiet . The homes she likes have 5 or more children in .

I've only cried once when she said something really hurtful to me , over a year ago ! Since then I've been pretty neutral with the odd , that's not nice comment

We enjoy the same music and movies

We often scroll YouTube together
We go to gigs and do martial arts as a family
We enjoy cooking together
All at her suggestions

does she feel comfortable as part of the family of 4. What is her role/perceived role?

How is she matched to her sibling/parents? Are you all high achievers and she's simply not

The trauma of abuse at 8, abuse at 14, an unwanted pregnancy that she may or may not have mourned/dealt with. Abusive ex boyfriend she sees day in and day out at school with her friends/peers. Then having to fit into a normal family, juggle hormones, school, therapy.

That poor girl needs 2 weeks off to simply catch her breath she's at burnout/height of catastrophe.

I didn't miss any of it. Her behaviour shows that she didn't heal from any of that. How can OP help her heal? That's the important question.

Sometimes traumatised children don't show any 'issues' regarding the trauma until they hit the teens. Then the brain pretty much rewires itself and all hell can break loose!

I'm a foster carer and a foster carer friend of mine has recently very sadly had to allow her teen boy who she'd had from preschool age move on to another carer, at his request. She'd had years of no problems with him, he called her mum and was very much part of the family, but he got to 13 and his behaviour drastically changed.

I currently have two teenagers who I am keeping on a very short leash because I know that otherwise they could easily get themselves into big trouble.

It sounds a bit to me like she's trying to run away from her problems. She was living with you when she was abused at 8 and again by the boyfriend. So she perhaps associates her life with her family with those difficult times and is trying to move on from them, literally. But obviously the issues wouldn't then disappear if she did move but she doesn't know that.

I would shoot her down every time she talks about leaving. 'You're 14. You're not allowed to move out. You're our daughter and we love you and will not allow you to leave. This is your home and your family.'

@bringon2020

She is in trauma counselling from Feb . If hon knew anything about counselling it's not a quick fix and outcome is often coping not healed .

@Iguessyourestuckwithme

Yes we've done ok through hard work . Not natural academics . She's brighter than us and school work rarely stresses her . She studied happily for mocks and appears to breeze through school work .
She had unprotected sex , pregnancy test was negative . It was the bf who seemed more worried and went for help . She seemed in denial , said she didn't feel pregnant!

Sorry but something is badly wrong if your dd is having pregnancy scares at 14 and had an abusive partner. You failed to mention this in your first post.
sounds like she’s seeking risky behaviour that even my DN (who was rebellious at that age but more w booze/weed) wasn’t up to at that age . She’s also from a very m/c home and wanted for nothing monetarily, but with a controlling DF.
The wanting to leave home may be because she could go what she wanted at someone else’s house.

OP's daughter was abused as a child, which is obviously the root cause of all of this, which OP seems to completely disregard because it's being "dealt with" by trauma counseling.

@JustDanceAddict
What is a m/c home ?
What's a controlling DF

I really wish I hadn't mentioned we were financially ok . We live in a v normal house bought 6 years ago in a very poor state for an affordable price that we've just got to a reasonable state . We've taken our time so we were not working all the time on it . Not Neglecting family time .
The reason I mentioned this was we do not have the horrible financial worries that many have that impacts children . Our children are fortunate in that way . We don't have that stress

How is my DH controlling? . He is most def not that in any capacity .

@MolliciousIntent
I agree the trauma is very key to my dd behaviour I was always hoping that with the love of her family we would avoid this . I didn't push counselling when she was 8 because professionals agreed to wait for her to be ready if she wanted it . I have always responded to her bringing it up by saying it was wrong , it shouldn't have happened , she was not to blame at all and she could have me or someone to talk to if she wanted . I was very quick in getting this in place and she is responding well . I'm sometimes involved in the sessions at her request . The reoccurring theme is her fear of being controlled ( obviously) and wanting to be in control meaning she is making decisions for herself that are risky .

Anyone who has read through all this will see that I didn't include all details at the beginning . It had been a tough night , I was highly emotional, dd was safely at a friends and I could release my grief

What I suppose I really needed was to vent and have some handholding .

Has she had a full physical, blood tests etc? Has she had a full psychological assessment? The reason I ask is that there is a real risk of confusing cause and effect here, and conflating issues.

My niece had a very similar history. It turned out that the major factor was actually bipolar disorder. She wasn't diagnosed until her early 20s, and had some awful experiences through her teens, and suffering that could possibly have been avoided with an earlier recognition of the underlying problem.

@30mph

I be asked for this but they want the social care work to start first to see if it's effective x

I be asked for this but they want the social care work to start first to see if it's effective x

Go private. Time is moving, cut to the chase and get answers, then the right support for your daughter.

@mumofblu
m/c - middle class.
i was saying my BIL was controlling which was probably a factor in DN going ‘off the rails’ - he would say he wasn’t controlling and ‘doing the best’ for the family, but he wants it all on ‘his’ terms.
My DD has pointed out how I’ve wanted things for her because I didn’t get/have them as a child - and she hasn’t wanted to go down that route. Took me a while to ‘get’ that!

Probably my final update

She came back from sleepover very grumpy so I left her alone . The next morning she came straight over to me and apologised for her grumpy mood saying she knows how lucky she is to have the family she has and doesn't know why behaves the way she does . She volunteers with young children and was chatting away about the children , the ones who have caring parents and the ones who are in LAC . It was such a lovely day all over . Very chatting and cuddly . These days are very rare but keeping me going for the hard days ,
Thanku for all your thoughts , even the negative ones helped me to think .

thanks for the update @mumofblu
good luck going forward

Is your daughter pregnant? Might need a 2nd pregnancy test.
Is she being abused in her own home?
Is she being bullied at school?
Abused at school?
Liking attention from friend’s father perhaps inappropriate stuff…check if she has new jewelry or clothes, shoes, etc.
You may find she has a phone that could show up on your modem listing of devices when she is home

I think it’s fairly common for teenagers to say this. I have a 14 year old and she’s often said similar and i just ignore it. I remember saying it too to my parents! I

i would try to catch her at a good moment and say that you understand her feelings and try to get to the bottom of why she thinks she’d be happy with another family!

when my 14 year old DD says she wants to go to the adoption centre (her words 🤣). I just tell her to give me the address of the local one and make it clear that phone, iPad and laptop and bank card stays here! That soon shuts her up.

try not to show her how much it bothers you - I’m sure the other 14 year olds say exactly the same and it could be that your daughter is very well behaved at other people’s houses - which is how it should be