Allegations against teenage boy

[Ginistheanswer80]

Please can I sense check with you all about a situation my DS (15) is experiencing.

He has been accused of inappropriate touching at school but has denied this and I completely believe him. I won’t be going into the details here as I’m not seeking opinions on this. School are looking into this and he is excluded for now until they finish their investigation.

School mentioned there was another allegation the week before (different girl and boy) and it made me think….how often is this happening?

I know every allegation needs to be taken seriously and rigorously looked at, but it got me wondering how prolific is this, and how many of these allegations are false/unfounded?

Anyone with any insights or experience I would love to hear from you. I’m going crazy here waiting for meetings and outcomes and feel helpless. Thank you

If he didn't do it he has nothing to worry about. However when I was in school boys would inappropriately touch girls openly even infront of teachers and nothing was done about it. These days it's taken very seriously because it IS Serious but sadly it seems to be the way that teenage boys seem to be. If he has done it then he should be excluded and he needs to learn that woman can't be touched like this EVER and maybe his friends will take note too.

As I said, it should be taken seriously each and every time an accusation is made. What I was trying to find out was how often this happens these days, and does anyone support the boys through this? The girl quite rightly gets supported and remains in school. What about the boy?

I have to say it’s not the way all teenage boys seem to be in my experience, and that’s quite a sweeping generalisation from you there.

You can’t honestly tell me he has nothing to worry about, we are talking about teenagers. Mud sticks even if it turns out to not be true or one word against another.

False accusations are very rare.

Oooooooh okay your angry. Allegations that are false are possibly common especially if he has upset the girl in anyway and this is revenge. But also these girls know how much trouble they will be in if they are lying. Speak with the school and ask them about support as last we checked we live in a society where you are innocent until proven guilty.

Obviously I didn't mean ALL boys you know exactly what I meant but I can see your stressed so that's why your reacting this way

Agreed that mud sticks but is there no smoke without fire? Your sure he hasn't done it so it will be his word against hers as there will be no evidence.

How do you know? How to they prove or disprove either way if no witnesses or any evidence and it’s one word against another? I’m guessing most of these cases there are no witnesses.

Look at the Everyone's Invited website if you genuinely want to know how often girls are being touched inappropriately at school by boys.

Sexual assault and harassment in school is all the time. It has always been all the time.

I'm a mother of 2 sons. I'm still saying this happens all the time and boys touch girls but think it is fine. It is not. And we have to teach them that from childhood.

False accusations are very rare. The odds are that your son did it but doesn't believe it was wrong so will deny deny deny.

It is a good thing that schools take it seriously.

I guess I am angry and I don’t mean to direct it at anyone here, I apologise if it came across like that.

How would they prove the girl is lying if they can’t prove the boy did anything?

What if (this is hypothetical by the way) there was a consensual interaction but then the girl decided she would exaggerate or make out it was not consensual? I have heard about this happening as well. A boy has sought consent (implied or verbal) but then had an accusation made against him. Apart from getting written consent from a girl, how can a boy protect himself from this sort of accusation?

That’s what I mean, why are the odds in that favour? Allegations are being made all the time, so you are saying they are mostly all true? Does anyone consider that a girl might wish to lie or exaggerate things for whatever reason?

I have two daughters, and would expect the same level of scrutiny of their account if they ever accused someone of inappropriate touching if there was no evidence and no witnesses.

To HELP ensure a boy is protected from false allegations

• EXPLAIN to him to not do anything sexual of any nature at 15 and both parties need to be at least the age of consent
• don't be alone
• it sounds extreme but a handwritten note saying yes they consent when of age is protecting everyone in the situation to an extent
• if he sees inappropriate behaviour from other kids in school he should speak out and if not comfortable confronting the kids himself he needs to quietly tell a teacher or yourself and your report it to the school

Allegations like this are difficult to prove

False accusations are far rarer than both legitimate accusations, and unreported harassment/assaults.

I think you need to hope for the best, prepare for the worst OP.

Are the school keeping you updated and have they allowed your son to make his case?

Look at what happens to women who make these allegations. Their lives torn through, everything about their past relationships questions, their clothing questioned, everything.

Women are put under a microscope, and called so so maybe disgusting names.

Women who make these complaints don't ever come away from them clean, even though they are the victim.

It is just very unlikely that any girl is going to risk her reputation in school to lie about it.

False accusations are rare and two false accusations even rarer.

I'm sorry OP.

We are moving as a society to believe women who make these allegations and it's for the male to prove otherwise where as before it was for the female to prove these allegations. Speak with the school ask them what evidence they have? Is there CCTV or witness or anyone else come forward with the same allegations? I know you believe your son but best to make sure you have all the details

I was touched inappropriately so many times in high school. I was one of the "popular-ish" girls and had boys try & put their hands up my skirt or touch my bum as we were walking and because it was so crowded and huddled getting to other lessons no one could see. Except once when one of the boys kept asking me to meet him under the bridge and was trying to touch under my skirt. It was out in full view and no one said anything. That time I was scared. But it would of been treated as my word against theres and probably had been told to not wear a skirt. This was between 2002-2007. I don't know how boys would be supported now. I'm sure they must have things in place to protect them against false allegations.

I'm a mum of boys, and haven't experienced this. I understand your concern though.

I would ask him what he thinks could be underlying the situation. Why does he think it's happening. That would inform how id think about it.

Obviously any boy asked 'did you sexually assault Sarah?' is going to deny it.
If he's asked whether they were mucking around and he tweaked her bra strap, or flipped her skirt, he may answer differently.

I'd ask whether they've fallen out, been dating, hang out in the same group or just pass in corridors, all that kind of thing. Does she even know for sure who he is? Mistaken identity?

I wouldn't assume he'd knowingly assaulted her.
I'd wonder if he'd failed to understand acceptable boundaries, and I'd wonder if he's upset her somehow.
I wouldn't angrily assume she's making accusations out of spite.

Are we though? Maybe tell the courts that. Rape prosecutions are at a depressingly low level - 1.3%.

Plenty of men get away with abuse, rape, sexual assault and harassment.

Making up lies is not going to help the OP.

I'm 25, and when I was in school the boys used to touch us inappropriately all the time. I can think of three boys in particular who used to do it to me on practically a weekly basis. And I wasn't unusual amongst my peers, they all got it too. Usually the cocky popular boys. We didn't think to complain because who'd care?

I'm glad that it seems that girls today know they can and should speak out.

We don't always need to help the OP.

As you say, and as most have said, girls and women who report face terrible treatment and usually no justice and end up with their reputation in tatters.

Women and girls don't generally go through that for a lark or for some twisted reason.

We all went to school. We all know how boys behaved and if we said they had sexually assaulted us, they'd deny it till they were blue in the face because they really believed what they did was ok.

OP's son has been accused. False accusations just aren't probably. He denies it.... which is what boys always do.

I don't see why we need to help the OP.

Sorry op, I realise that my last post read like a judgey comment about your son. I'm not commenting on that. My post was just in response to you asking if sexual assault in school is really so common these days; I think it's always been common.

Sorry I completely misread your comment! I thought you were saying the way society was changing to believe the victim was a negative, rather than a positive.

Apologies, I should have read your post better

I’m afraid I agree with this. I doubt the girl would go through all the awkwardness and embarrassment of accusing him and then sticking to her accusation if it was a complete lie.

Of course, she might be a fantasist, attention-seeker or compulsive liar. But I’d say it’s far more likely she’s telling the truth. Could you be in denial OP? It’s perfectly understandable if you are. In my experience, families often go into denial when a member does something shameful, especially something sexual. Men caught viewing indecent images or grooming underage girls are often defended by their parents and siblings. At first they are angry, then they decide that the girl led him on, or that he was ‘depressed’ and not responsible for his actions, etc.

I’m not saying your son is lying. He’s probably convinced himself he did nothing wrong.

The matter of fact is it's he said she said if there is no evidence, but the accused (even if completely innocent) will forever come across worse.
It's very difficult to shift the stigma that goes with an accusation, and often the accused get left behind.

People have said false accusations are uncommon, and maybe so. But they do happen, there are people out there who's lives have been ruined by false accusations and they rarely find themselves with a clean slate. It's usually because there is no evidence, not because they are found innocent.

@user1471504747

No need to derail. I meant in the school setting. As you can see posters have said before in school sexual assault was a normal occurrence for them myself included however NOW schools are taken allegations seriously and females are being hears not just told to not wear a skirt etc. Court setting is a different conversation

Don't always believe that.

My ds was accused of another horrific "crime" racism.
He swore blind he didnt say it and even I didn't believe him at first until we learnt who made the accusation (actually other kids accused ds of saying something to another boy) and they weren't even in lesson together when it was apparently said.

School said they have to take the word of many witnesses (3 against 1) sue to seriousness.

When 1.5 years later these kids admitted making it all up for shots and giggles schools stance was simply "it was ages ago and all in the past and over with now".

Not for my ds it wasn't and isn't. He knows how easy it is to be accused of something and punished for it on the basis of peoples say so.

I have no idea what the solution is because the other way round also has equal risks.