Allegations against teenage boy

[Ginistheanswer80]

Please can I sense check with you all about a situation my DS (15) is experiencing.

He has been accused of inappropriate touching at school but has denied this and I completely believe him. I won’t be going into the details here as I’m not seeking opinions on this. School are looking into this and he is excluded for now until they finish their investigation.

School mentioned there was another allegation the week before (different girl and boy) and it made me think….how often is this happening?

I know every allegation needs to be taken seriously and rigorously looked at, but it got me wondering how prolific is this, and how many of these allegations are false/unfounded?

Anyone with any insights or experience I would love to hear from you. I’m going crazy here waiting for meetings and outcomes and feel helpless. Thank you

Yes obviously its of far more importance to your educate girls on 'mixed signals' than to educate your boys on only responding to very clear signals 🙄

The onus is not on girls to be telling others they are not huggers ffs, the onus is on your bloody son to keep his dirty hands to himself!!!! And to learn the meaning of consent!

No wonder he is in trouble!

false claims happen and it can do a hell a lot of damage to the boys involved

That one is easy

’i can. See you are really upset and I feel you might want a hug. How do you feel about that? Are you ok for me to give a hug/put my arm around your shoulders ?’

Fwiw I think girls should be asking girls too before giving them a hug/arms on shoulders etc… not everyone likes a hug and permission should ALWAYS be sought out first.

When I worked at a US summer camp , there was a 6” rule to keep male / female campers apart , which we all thought was hilarious and campers used to roll their eyes (and some would def sneakily try to hold hands on way home from dance). But now I look back and think how safe it kept everyone - both from unwanted attention and also false accusations. Girls didn’t feel “uncool” for saying no, because no one was allowed. Def removed the pressure.

Some really savage messages.
Of course I know what’s been accused, I’m just not sharing details on here with you all as it would not be appropriate.
I have been told the girl is being supported as per the school policy. Of course I would consider her but he is my boy.
And implied consent is a thing. If a person leans into outstretched arms for a hug they are implying they consent to a hug. I work in healthcare. If a patient holds out their arm for a blood test they are implying they are consenting to a needle in the arm. They don’t get to go back and say they were assaulted because they didn’t consent.

OP I think you'll get a tough time here. But in truth we have no way of knowing who's lying in this situation. It's not fair to say that your son is lying, just because he's a boy. Lots of boys are sweet and kind, and lots of girls are manipulative liars. And vice versa. There's no way anyone on this forum can tell which is which in this case. Maybe neither is lying, and it's a misunderstanding. So please just ignore all the people accusing you and your son. You haven't specified what the situation is but it looks like the police aren't involved so hopefully it's not too serious. Good luck with everything.

This. Op you have not once worried about the possibility that your son has assaulted the girl, it's sickening.

The thing is that whatever happens at school he will be going out into a world where he can rape women freely and nothing will ever be done about it

I understand your not wanting to share the details of the accusation, but not doing so makes a nonsense of the thread. How can we advise if we don't know the scale of the alleged assault? My response would be quite different if the incident did involve an uninvited arm around the shoulders of a crying girl, for example, than the one I would give if the assault involved groping an intimate area or any kind of force/violence (though of course both are wrong, and a 15yo boy ought to know that).

I think people are being confrontational because the tone of your posts is frustrating. You don't even consider that your son may be at fault. You assume the girl is lying. Your only concern is getting your son off the hook. That's abhorrent to most of us, who know that sexual assault allegations usually are true, and that boys commonly lie about them.

Think about this - if your son HAS done this, and your response is to paper over it, take his side unquestioningly and portray the victim as a malicious liar, what does that mean for his future? What kind of person do you think he is going to grow up to be?

The government did a review of sexual abuse in schools and found that:

64% of girls were aware of unwanted physical contact happening a lot to people in their age in school but only 24% of girls were aware of it.

One way these statistics could be interpreted is that boys are forcing physical contact on girls and not registering, or not caring, that it is unwanted.

Now some may interpret the 40% between those two numbers to be 'false accusations' but I personally wouldn't interpret them that way.

You have every right to be angry, I would be fuming If my son was in this position!

sorry only 24% of boys were aware of it

Really wish mumsnet had an edit function

I'm pretty sure the other boys weren't aware of all the stuff boys did to me. The girls would have experienced it themselves so I think those stats seem correct

You would be fuming if your son was suspended because he had been accused of sexual assault? Who would you be angry at out of interest?

There is a lad I know, been excluded from two schools for this stuff and his mum is completely adamant that he has done no wrong and they're making it all up.

But if you go in for a blood pressure check and put your arm out for the cuff but then a nurse sticks a needle in and draws blood, "because she put her arm out so she consented to medical treatment," then it wouldn't be consent, would it? Not for the blood draw.

And isn't that a more accurate example of problems with consent between teens. You get a lot of totally uninvited groping and all the rest of it from boys but you also get a lot of girls consenting to a kiss and then the boys sticks his hand up her shirt or skirt. She didnt consent to that by kissing him.

Her son has said he didn't do it and most of the time you are aware what type of child you have, so she must believe that he didn't do it . I would be angry with the girl and the school because why has he been excluded ? It's innocent until proven guilty not guilty untill proven innocent !!

This is an excellent point and it really isn't an easy one to unpick.

How many women does your husband go around touching that he needs to worry about this?

Honestly I have no patience with the whole line of 'oh men can't say or do anything nowadays'

The average men I work, or socialise with, with never say, or do, or touch me in any way that's inappropriate because they are normal human beings. So they are never going to get accused of anything.

But the guys that do, and have done, are so far over the line there is no risk of 'misinterpretation' even though that's what they will claim more often than not.

I worked in a large secondary school for a year a couple of years ago and incidents of boys inappropriately touching and groping female students was RIFE.

There was, for a few months, a game where boys would score points for which areas of a girls body he could touch - bum and breasts being the 'big points' scorers, obviously. Girls were targeted by groups of boys who would surround them in the narrow corridor before lessons started. It was horrendous.

It was a massive problem then and, from what I hear, is getting worse along with the numbers of reports of boys 'upskirting' girls and sharing/viewing hardcore porn during school hours - even in classrooms during lessons.

Almost every rapist has a mum out there saying that he isn't like that.

Almost every mum of the boys at school who ping bra straps and grope girls in the corridor or send unsolicited dick pics will say that their son isn't like that.

Almost every mum of domestic abusers will defend them till the end.

I'm sorry but as parents we need to accept that our kids will always be capable of doing things we never thought possible. And we really don't know them well enough in regards to what they do when they think no one is watching.

So are you also angry at all the people remanded in custody awaiting trial?

Or people who get suspended from work whilst an incident is investigated?

This is not an unprecedented situation. It might not be ideal but until the school have got to the bottom of the incident they have a procedure to follow.

If the school do believe there is anything in this the likely outcome is that he would be reported to the police next. Do prepare yourself for that eventuailty.

97% of women aged 18-24 have been sexually assaulted. 97%.

Mothers of boys may not want to think their children can do this, but the reality is 97% of women are not being assaulted by 1% of men. Peoples sons are doing this.