Allegations against teenage boy

[Ginistheanswer80]

Please can I sense check with you all about a situation my DS (15) is experiencing.

He has been accused of inappropriate touching at school but has denied this and I completely believe him. I won’t be going into the details here as I’m not seeking opinions on this. School are looking into this and he is excluded for now until they finish their investigation.

School mentioned there was another allegation the week before (different girl and boy) and it made me think….how often is this happening?

I know every allegation needs to be taken seriously and rigorously looked at, but it got me wondering how prolific is this, and how many of these allegations are false/unfounded?

Anyone with any insights or experience I would love to hear from you. I’m going crazy here waiting for meetings and outcomes and feel helpless. Thank you

I read a stat recently that there is a rape inside a UK school every day. It's fucking horrifying. Girls are extremely likely to be on the reveiving end of unwanted attention and or physical contact in school.

On the other hand, false accusations are incredibly rare. The school appears to be handling this the right way. If your son has done nothing wrong, then the likelihood is that normal service will resume.

It's crucially important that we speak to our sons about consent, respect, self preservation, safeguarding themselves as well as others, calling out their male friends who act or speak disrespectfully about or around or at girls.

The other accusation was a different girl and a different boy.

Totally agree that raising the awareness around this means girls can hopefully feel empowered and confident to report each and every time and be taken seriously.

I feel very sad as one PP mentioned to protect our boys then tell them to do literally nothing with a girl until they are 16. Even with consent. That just makes me feel really sad that a boy can’t put his arm around a girl to console her if she is crying, or hold out his arms to give her a hug.

I appreciate the responses and will
prepare myself for whatever is coming our way. She alleged this happened in a student support area, there was CCTV (although not directly in that sofa area where she alleges it happened) and two adults in the area.

Highly unlikely to be a false allegation. I also doubt you'd have the same opinion if one of your daughters came home from school upset and said she'd been assaulted. You'd believe her, because it would be true. Sexual assault in schools is rife - where have you been!?

There's a thread at the moment about all girls schools v co-ed. You should read it. Generally the top advantage mentioned for all girls schools is removing the risk if sexual harassment/assault/coersion.

I was assaulted on a pretty much daily basis at my high school. It was the 70s so nobody cared. I'm glad they take these things seriously now.

I’m sorry to hear this, I hope your son is now doing ok

This is my worry completely. If they can’t prove it happened, but can’t prove it didn’t happen then what happens next is my fear.

It is sad that people need to be so careful. My husband isn't great at social cues, and lives in fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. He just doesn't know for sure where the line is, so prefers to say and do nothing. Luckily he's an unsociable bloke anyway, and doesn't miss the interaction!

I feel very sad as one PP mentioned to protect our boys then tell them to do literally nothing with a girl until they are 16

It's about whats being done to a girl. What is an arm round the shoulder in a hug to one boy is unwanted physical contact to the girl. Twanging a bra strap "for a laugh", angling a camera phone under a desk "as a dare", calling a girl frigid because she won't kiss you, slying a grope in a crowded hallway.

It literally happens all the time.

It's a small ask of boys that they just keep their hands to themselves at school. God knows that's easier that being assaulted.

Honestly its ahit for boys I know someone from school who acused a boy of rape because he would not go out with her it ruined his life she even admitted it was a lie 6 months later yet it was too late to the kid he went though hell and she just got told off for making shit up, you ds needs to write down everything that happened in the time frame the claim is and send it into school I also think they both should have been removed from school while investigating

I do agree completely. What I am trying to say is when does that unwanted contact start? If a boy puts his arm around a girl to console her and she doesn’t tell him to stop, but then she goes on to say he touched me without my consent….do you see what I mean? Should we be telling our kids they can’t hug or console each other without written consent at the risk of being accused? I’m overthinking I know, but I now have to go to my kids and tell them to basically socially distance from the opposite sex for fear of something being said.

Not that I should need to defend on here but just adding, I have always been very clear on issues such as this with all of my children, and talked to them openly about consent and boundaries etc. My son has had girlfriends, goes to extracurricular groups with girls and boys and is respectful.

Honestly, it's more shit for girls.

That's one boy in a million which that has happened to. Compared to hundreds of thousands of girls every day across the country being groped in school because it's just boys being boys.

Thanks for this, he has written stuff down and we sent it to school hastily yesterday as they wanted it by the end of the day. He has added more to it today as things come to him but I’m worried that will go against him.

If anyone else has any other suggestions of what I can do please share. It’s breaking my heart.

I will go against what the majority are saying here , and say there is the possibility that your son is telling you the truth and this girl could be lying . Of course she could be lying . None of you know the situation or what may have led this girl to accuse a boy of doing it . Perhaps it did happen but she is scared of the boy who actually did it so has named another to be heard , perhaps she has something going on at home , perhaps she has been forced to make an accusation because of being bullied by someone else.
We do not know the details , and sadly when it's one person saying A did xyz to B unless there is cctv or credible witnesses , or a known past , no one knows.
Yes girls should be believed , and yes should be able to report , but let's support this op who is sure her son is innocent .
At the end of the day , where is the innocent til proven guilty ?
Many of you have practically rubbed your hands in glee and told op that's it's likely not a false allegation .up
If it's true I hope the girl gets support . If it's not true I hope the boy gets support .

So it isn't "I did nothing".
Something happened. And he says he thinks it is all fine and above board. It really probably isn't.

I guess that’s what I was trying to gauge from
my post - you say one in a million but I have heard of it happening so where are the figures? Enough people posting on here saying it’s rare but also a couple of posts saying they have heard of it or experienced it.

Why does no one talk about it openly and consider it? Why does it always seem like a boy will just lie to get himself out of something and a mum will always believe him? What if the boy isn’t lying?!

He's lying

If a boy wants to hug a girl they can hold out their arms and wait for the girl to step into them (actually this is true for anyone not just boys hugging girls). This is an invitation and acceptance.

If someone hugs someone else without waiting for that acceptance, the person being hugged may be upset by it. For example I am claustrophobic and actually when I am upset the last thing I want is to be touched as it triggers my claustrophobia, so someone taking it upon themselves to hug me would get short shrift, as that contact would be unwanted.

This reeks of the whole 'oh you can't say anything to women nowadays'. Of course you can. But understanding peoples boundaries and preferences around contact is an important part of learning to live in society.

So actually teaching your son not to hug anyone, including girls, without checking its okay first is not the terrible thing you seem to think it is.

If a boy puts his arm around a girl to console her and she doesn’t tell him to stop, but then she goes on to say he touched me without my consent….do you see what I mean?

But no one should be putting their arms around people in hugs without permission. It doesn't have to be written.

If he can see she is sad, all it takes is "are you OK? Would you like a hug?"

I'd not be happy someone coming over to me and hugging me without asking.

"She didn't say no" is not consent.

It is a mine field for the mothers of boys.
And yes I have told my DSs no touching of any description unless consent is very very obvious. My DS1 is now 18 and in a relationship. He did not progress physically at all with his girlfriend until 3 months in. Not even a hug. She was the one pestering him in the end. I have probably gone too far the other way but its better this way.
It's not worth this situation happening.

I don’t think I’m getting my point across very well, I’m tired and stressed - what I mean is what if a hug or arm round someone is genuinely felt to have been consented to, verbally or implied, and no complaint was made at the time but then the other person goes on to say that they felt uncomfortable and it was unwanted and inappropriate?

Are we teaching our girls to be confident to say ‘I’m not a hugger’ or to tell someone they are not respecting their personal space etc? I know I am with my girls but also I will be saying (when they are older) that they need to be mindful of any messages they might be giving out that could be confusing to others.

Let's hope it turns out it was caught on cctv and they'll be able to show you what happened

Surely this is about more than hugging someone without their consent though? You keep talking about that kind of touching. A boy usually isn't suspended from school for that low level of assault.
You need to take considering whether you believe him very seriously.

There is no such thing as implied consent.

Op I know your son certainly did do this just from your posts.

You have raised your son to believe that unless someone explicitly says no then it’s a yes. Consent is entirely different, consent is checking it’s okay to touch and be told categorically yes - it is certainly not silence or left unconfirmed either way.

All you are doing on here is looking for ways to get him out of trouble, not once - not once have you even considered the impact on the victim. You do not seem to care about her, unless you address this fully and with robust seriousness with your son the next time you will be dealing with this will be in the crown court when he is prosecuted, and his opportunities and future evaporate entirely.

It must be very serious for a suspension.
Talk to your son, find out the truth - you could do it if you wanted to, and start educating him properly about consent and respect for girls and women before it is too late.

I fear you are unprepared for the full scale of what your son did for this level of intervention. It was not an arm around the shoulder