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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Allegations against teenage boy

183 replies

Ginistheanswer80 · 05/07/2022 15:12

Please can I sense check with you all about a situation my DS (15) is experiencing.

He has been accused of inappropriate touching at school but has denied this and I completely believe him. I won’t be going into the details here as I’m not seeking opinions on this. School are looking into this and he is excluded for now until they finish their investigation.

School mentioned there was another allegation the week before (different girl and boy) and it made me think….how often is this happening?

I know every allegation needs to be taken seriously and rigorously looked at, but it got me wondering how prolific is this, and how many of these allegations are false/unfounded?

Anyone with any insights or experience I would love to hear from you. I’m going crazy here waiting for meetings and outcomes and feel helpless. Thank you

OP posts:
boomoohoo · 05/07/2022 19:51

Another thing to look up.. children displaying sexually harmful behaviours - I know my local service but it's going to be different in every area. They will offer empathic, kind and non judgemental advice I'm sure.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 05/07/2022 20:06

Honestly op i would ring the school and ask what support they can offer your son maybe try and get him into counselling ASAP of being a victim of rape and abuse myself I hate the false allegations the most but support should be offered to both sides, I understand you want to protect your son and believe him hopefully with ctcv in the room and 2 adults it should help his case, best of luck op its hard to prove these days and they take the females side 99.9% of the time whether its ture or not

BlueWhippets · 05/07/2022 20:10

What support is "all out there already"? As far as I'm aware there's very little. Chances are nothing will come of it because things rarely do with these sorts of crimes. The girl will be left with years of trauma and he'll get to go about telling people she lied or nothing happened even if that's not the truth.
I reported someone to the police for a sexual assault years ago and he threatened to kill himself to try and stop me from reporting it. A friend of mine was due to go to court after reporting a rape and the man attempted to kill himself to get out of it. He wasn't even found guilty so goes around telling people how she lied despite the fact that there was very damning evidence against him.
General rule is that the boy walks away from it with no consequences and the girl suffers with years of trauma.
School was a grim experience for me (and by the looks of it lots of other peoples) because of the attitudes of the boys, the rape jokes, the touching, etc. I'm so sad to see how this doesn't seem to have changed much.
Support your son of course but just think about how you would have reacted if it were the other way round. Also no boy would be admitting to his mum that he's guilty and no mum wants to believe that he could be guilty so that clouds judgement.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/07/2022 20:33

OP I genuinely hope your dds are never in a situation where they are receiving unwanted sexual attention.

Because it isn't actually all that easy for girls to get support or be believed.

I think there is a reason why you aren't sharing the actual detail of the accusation against your son, and part of that is because you know how it looks.

When you are ready to be honest with yourself, maybe call womans aid or nspcc for advice on how to have better conversations with your children about consent.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/07/2022 20:34

its hard to prove these days and they take the females side 99.9% of the time whether its ture or not

If that were true, it would be reflected in rape convictions. It is so far from the truth.

beastlyslumber · 05/07/2022 20:35

RedPlumbob · 05/07/2022 18:44

Well, I’ve some news for you. For our entire history, men have been believed over women. They still are. Every. Single. Time.

And that shit stops, now.

Show quote history

That's what I meant by overcorrection.

The remedy to this inequality is not more inequality. It's robust and safe and fair reporting and investigation and prosecution of crimes.

Frequency · 05/07/2022 20:38

We weren't offered any support. I was told the school was "unable" to do anything about the death threats DD recieved because the messages were not sent during school hours and unable to do anything to prevent her rapist having access to her. It took six weeks and several phonecalls from myself for the police to follow up the death threats.

During those six weeks I pulled DD out of school for her own safety. We were not offered any help with homeschooling or support in getting her back into mainstream education safely. She wasn't offered any counselling around the attack or the continued harrassment.

Three years on DD still daren't visit certain places in case she bumps in to people from school. She can't get a part time job and has only just built up the confidence to go back into education.

His life is largely uneffected bar a slight reputation of being "a perve" since the third attempted rape which appears to be treated as a bit of a joke by his peers.

As I said in my first post all of the power and support still lies with the man.

thedancingbear · 05/07/2022 20:40

Of course he fucking did it.

Take your head out of the sand OP.

MsTSwift · 05/07/2022 20:46

Frequency my heart goes out to you and your Dd - love and strength x

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 05/07/2022 21:16

@thedancingbear get a grip you can't possibly know that get your head out your arse

beastlyslumber · 05/07/2022 21:21

Interesting contrast with the other current thread about a boy also being accused of inappropriate touching... funny enough on that thread there isn't the same unwavering belief that he must have done it because commenters say so

purplecorkheart · 05/07/2022 21:31

Op have you actually asked did he touch the girl at all. I work near the local schools bus depo and quite honestly see boys touching girls without their consent to look cool in front of their classmates. I am sure if you asked these fellas they would say it wad fine or with consent. Some of these girls are terrified and I and other communters have had to walk them to school and comfort them. You need to talk to your son and find out exactly what happen. Just because someone leans forward it is not consent and I doubt that as was suggested that leaning your hand our for bloods in the NHS is implied consent. I doubt Indemity Insurance sees it that way. Take off the blinkers. He may be innocent or not but I think you need to consider the possibility that you are not getting the full story.

Whitehorsegirl · 05/07/2022 21:47

You are assuming that the allegations are false/this girl is lying. In all seriousness why would she do that?

Yes, there will be people who lie about being assaulted for revenge or because they might have some mental health issue that affects their grasp of reality or are attention-seeking. But in the majority of cases they will be speaking the truth...

So I can understand you want to support your son but also must be prepared that this could actually turn out to be accurate. And of course he is going to deny it to you.

The school has a duty to investigate as this is a serious matter.

There has been a lot of discussion about sexual assault in the media and on social media and I wonder if as a result girls and women feel more empowered to report it and are more aware of what constitute assault and inappropriate behaviour.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/07/2022 22:01

beastlyslumber · 05/07/2022 21:21

Interesting contrast with the other current thread about a boy also being accused of inappropriate touching... funny enough on that thread there isn't the same unwavering belief that he must have done it because commenters say so

There is an extensive backstory on that thread with lots of detail from the OP regarding the numerous issues between him and the girl and what sounds like half the teaching staff.

This OP is full of wishy-washy what ifs, no actual detail (because she doesn't want to share it), and Talk of implied content.

None of this is on the other thread.

MsTSwift · 05/07/2022 22:08

The other thread is very very different to this one.

quietnightmare · 05/07/2022 22:20

MsTSwift · 05/07/2022 22:08

The other thread is very very different to this one.

Am I allowed to ask what thread it is or is that against the rules ?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 06/07/2022 16:21

I mean... I'd imagine it happens all the time. I understand your son may be innocent but many many teenage boys are not.

My school was riddled with arse and breast grabbing, fake humping etc. We put up with it because we didn't know better. This was only the 2000s.

badhappening · 06/07/2022 19:58

False allegations are a tale as old as time.

Innocent until proven guilty does not apply if you are male on this site.

Johnnysgirl · 06/07/2022 20:06

He seems to have been able to write a hell of a lot about something that didn't happen?
You probably need to resign yourself to the fact that something absolutely did happen, and he's determined to minimise it.

GoodThinkingMax · 07/07/2022 00:05

I wonder if @Ginistheanswer80 has bothered to have a look at “Everyone’s Invited”?

MumofSpud · 07/07/2022 00:11

My DD's friend (a boy) at school was accused and the girl went to the police.
It was investigated and evidence found that the girl had made it up - including CCTV
The boy was excluded from school whist the allegations were investigated
When all charges dropped, he didn't return (he had been away to long to continue- this was Year 12)
What happened to the girl? Nothing - and she still goes to the school!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2022 10:02

badhappening · 06/07/2022 19:58

False allegations are a tale as old as time.

Innocent until proven guilty does not apply if you are male on this site.

If you want to come at the (presumed) innocent until (proven) guilty for the boy, then you also have to presume the girl is innocent (of making false allegations) until proven guilty.

That is the challenge with these incidents / crimes.

Jackiewoo · 07/07/2022 14:46

Boys assault girls. Girls falsely accuse boys. Denying either just makes both a parenting blind spot.

mosesb · 07/07/2022 15:22

Innocent until proven guilty does not apply if you are male on this site.

But you do realise that 93% of rapists get off because there is no way of proving guilt don't you?

thedancingbear · 10/07/2022 08:09

Jackiewoo · 07/07/2022 14:46

Boys assault girls. Girls falsely accuse boys. Denying either just makes both a parenting blind spot.

The CPS’ own statistics show that less than one per cent of sexual assault allegations by women against men are false.

so setting these two possibilities against each other as if they are equivalents is nonsense.

I choose to believe the vulnerable young woman who says she was sexually assaulted. What about you?

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