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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I being mean to my teenage dc?

198 replies

PangolinPie · 03/05/2022 07:00

I expect them to wash their own clothes, it's pretty much the only chore they have to do as I've given up trying to get them to keep their rooms clean. Ds14 is pretty good at washing and hanging up his clothes to dry but dd17 is atrocious. She can go up to 2.5 weeks not washing a thing (has lots of clothes though). 3 or 4 days ago she put a load on to wash which I moved, wet, into a basket and it has sat there ever since, mustering away. I COULD hang it up for her but there was no room on the dryer and anyway, she should do it, right? I'm normally nails about expecting them to do this one thing but for some reason I'm dithering. It would be easy for me to give in and just do all their washing, particularly dds who I fear is getting to the stage where she wears pants more than once 😖

OP posts:
User135792468 · 03/05/2022 07:02

Yes, I think it’s awful you can’t be bothered to wash their clothes. Let’s be honest, if it was to help them for their future, you would teach them and ask them to help occasionally. I think you’re lazy.

TreeFella · 03/05/2022 07:04

I don't think you're lazy at all, you want to encourage independence and good habits for adult life for your nearly adult children.

I do the same for my older teens.

If you feel your dd might be a bit overwhelmed though you could give her a fresh start and do the washing so she's got the opportunity to reframe things and not have a massive pile to do.

Razbitso · 03/05/2022 07:05

Jesus I moved out at 16. Mine at that age do a good chunk of their own cooking and caring. I would let her use the machine and stop making her take it to the river but washing is no big deal.

Coughee · 03/05/2022 07:07

I feel like your daughter found your mumsnet account as that frist reply was very teenagery! I don't think you're asking a lot. I do all our washing and it's not a massive chore so for one person to do their own washing is hardly onerous.

DropYourSword · 03/05/2022 07:10

User135792468 · 03/05/2022 07:02

Yes, I think it’s awful you can’t be bothered to wash their clothes. Let’s be honest, if it was to help them for their future, you would teach them and ask them to help occasionally. I think you’re lazy.

How absolutely ridiculous!!

This has nothing at all to do with the OP being lazy. She is teaching her children valuable life skills, along with the natural consequences of them not being bothered to do their own laundry. My DS6 is obsessed at the moment with putting the washing on. I sort the load for him but he puts it all in, pours in the vanish, washing powder, conditioner and colour catcher, closes the door, selects the cycle and sets it off. If a just turned 6 year old can do it, a 17 year old definitely can!

pilates · 03/05/2022 07:12

I would rather do one big wash than lots of little ones, especially with the cost of utility bills. Also, get them to hang outside (if possible) rather than inside.

Landlubber2019 · 03/05/2022 07:13

Nope don't give in, I would leave the clothes to muster. Your dd is now 17 and to have not sorted out her washing displays her lack of organisation, laziness and arrogance that someone will sort it for her. Stick to your guns!

Bananarama21 · 03/05/2022 07:15

I think your being petty, clothes just go in the wash with everyone else's and hung out to dry.

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 03/05/2022 07:16

I would maybe mention it to her in case she's forgotten/doesn't realise it could end up with her clothes being fit only for the bin, but I wouldn't take over and actually do it.

Outafocus · 03/05/2022 07:17

I don't do washing for anyone over the age of 10.

Leave her to it, op! She's better off learning at home than in a house share.

RampantIvy · 03/05/2022 07:17

It can't be very fuel or water efficient to have everyone do their own washing.

I separate washing by colour. If everyone in the house did their own washing the machine would be on several times a day instead of 3 or 4 times a week.

Remaker · 03/05/2022 07:17

It wouldn’t be the chore I would choose tbh because I don’t think it’s efficient to have everyone doing their own. It’s like only washing your own dishes. If you want them to wash give them a roster and they wash for the whole family. Your way is fostering selfishness where you only clean your own stuff, instead of contributing to the household. Surely cleaning your own bedroom is a better task.

I wash for the whole family but they all put their own clothes away. DH irons for the whole family. The teen DC cook for all of us or they’ll go to the shops and pick up things that we need. Everyone is responsible for picking up their crap off the floor or risk it getting sucked up by the robot vacuum.

ExtraordinaryBehaviour · 03/05/2022 07:19

Bananarama21 · 03/05/2022 07:15

I think your being petty, clothes just go in the wash with everyone else's and hung out to dry.

Why? So she should do the washing for the whole family forever? The DD is nearly an adult and can't even keep her room clean.

The job of being a parent is to turn them into functioning adults. This is a very easy cause and consequence lesson.

Ylvamoon · 03/05/2022 07:21

My teens wash their own clothes. We have set days when they are able to wash & dry their stuff. So no clothes sitting around festering.

Granted, I sometimes have to remind them but generally it works.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 03/05/2022 07:24

rather than forcing them to do their own washing, could you involve them in the whole household washing process. So they get their clothes to the washing basket, are able to sort loads of whole family washing (lights/darks etc), know how to put on a load when needed and able/willing to hang out a whole load or assist hanging out when required.

My DH was taught to do his own clothes but this infuriates me as he often won't put his clothes in for sorting for the family wash and will then do an urgent wash of a couple of shirts only (ignoring rest of family washing). He is getting better but habits learnt as a child are hard to break.

I find involvement in the wider washing process much more useful than a selfish view of sorting their clothes only. It also might help your daughter and less of an 'all r nothing' solution.

RampantIvy · 03/05/2022 07:25

My DD is a functioning adult. She is away at university and is perfectly capable of looking after herself and all that it entails. However, I still stick her jeans in with ours, her towel in with ours etc when she is home - all in the name of efficiency.

She cooks us fantastic meals when she is home BTW.

ReeseWitherfork · 03/05/2022 07:25

I was made to do my own washing as soon as I was out of school. I was also made to cook dinner once a week, help clean the house etc. I’m so bloody thankful I was. A lot of my peers (I’m early 30s) have struggled to learn to take care of themselves… and some of them still do.

Your daughter is proving she’s incapable of doing it. More reason for her to learn to IMO. You might just need to offer her some training sessions!

itsgettingweird · 03/05/2022 07:26

Yanbu.

It's perfectly acceptable to expect kids to do chores.

My ds does the bins and hovers the whole house.m

I actually think the own washing one is genius because it's teaches them consequences if they don't so it!

HardRockOwl · 03/05/2022 07:28

I never understand these weird stand offs. Just pop her washing on? Or - if this really has to be a big learning tool for them - remind her that her washing is fine and would she hang it out?

As for the poster who doesn't actually do her 10 year olds clothes washing - lol.

Some very odd parenting ideas

Bagelsandbrie · 03/05/2022 07:39

Don’t you find you spend more on electricity with everyone doing random batches of their own washing? For that reason alone I’d rather do it myself and get everyone to bung their stuff together in a family washing basket and put washing on from that. I’d also hate to go and use the machine and find I couldn’t because someone else had their stuff in it. I have two dc, one of them 18 and when she’s home from university I just do her washing with ours. I give her other chores to do instead - this Easter she’s cleaned the bathroom, hoovered the car out for me and doing some gardening!

Bagelsandbrie · 03/05/2022 07:40

Outafocus · 03/05/2022 07:17

I don't do washing for anyone over the age of 10.

Leave her to it, op! She's better off learning at home than in a house share.

10 is too young to be doing their own washing.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/05/2022 07:44

She is 17, almost an adult, of course she should do it herself.
I am struggling with this and DS21, exactly the same issues. His older brothers are telling me not to give in, that he won't learn while I am picking up after him, and they are right.
As for the eco side of things, of course an adult sized person generates enough washing for a couple of full loads a week. I think who are telling you it's wasteful only have young and small children. For stinky teenagers/ young adults nothing is worn twice except possibly 2 days from a hoodie. And adult size clothes take up a lot of space.

BrieAndChilli · 03/05/2022 07:46

I agree that that washing isn’t the first chore I would choose.
mine are 11,13 and 15

They have to cook occasionally
lay the table
load the the dishwasher
keep rooms tidy
empty all the bins
sort the recycling
put thier own clothes away
weeding

we all take turns doing the above including me and DH and it’s not a set in stone rota. Depends what else the kids have on etc

LizzieMacQueen · 03/05/2022 07:46

pilates · 03/05/2022 07:12

I would rather do one big wash than lots of little ones, especially with the cost of utility bills. Also, get them to hang outside (if possible) rather than inside.

I'm with @pilates - set up a rota so you all take turns. It's really wasteful to run half loads.

Swayingpalmtrees · 03/05/2022 07:48

My dd17 does some of her own washing
DD14 does not

Both teens walk dogs, feed pets, clean kitchen, cook meals, stack and unstack dishwasher, tidy up but washing their own clothes week in, week out is a tall order because they are so busy with homework and demands on their time term time. I encourage more involvement in the school holidays.

I think you should definitely help both. Teens are totally overwhelmed with modern life, demands on them - term time I would always help them out, and ensure uniforms are at least washed and pressed. I would never allow any child to walk around in smelly unwashed clothes and consider that to be neglect. If they are struggling to take care of themselves, as a parent the onus is on you to step in help them. I would personally never forgive you as a parent for allowing this, and would hold you accountable once I reached adulthood.

Teaching independence, skills, self care and capability is one thing, allowing your children to live in squalor and use 'independence' as an excuse for laziness and neglect is quite another.