Am I being mean to my teenage dc?

[PangolinPie]

I expect them to wash their own clothes, it's pretty much the only chore they have to do as I've given up trying to get them to keep their rooms clean. Ds14 is pretty good at washing and hanging up his clothes to dry but dd17 is atrocious. She can go up to 2.5 weeks not washing a thing (has lots of clothes though). 3 or 4 days ago she put a load on to wash which I moved, wet, into a basket and it has sat there ever since, mustering away. I COULD hang it up for her but there was no room on the dryer and anyway, she should do it, right? I'm normally nails about expecting them to do this one thing but for some reason I'm dithering. It would be easy for me to give in and just do all their washing, particularly dds who I fear is getting to the stage where she wears pants more than once 😖

My oldest knew how to wash his clothes and did so from when he moved out at 17, but I generally did it before then. He always did his own ironing (he learned how at Cadets at 14, as I barely knew we even had an iron). I do my daughters as there's only the two of us and it's not economical to do it separately.
Your kids know the expectations is to take care of their own. If your daughter can't be bothered she suffers the consequences.

The 14 year old is good at it. It's the 17 year old that can't be bothered.

I would be wondering why she wasn't managing. Washing seems an odd thing to make family members individually responsible for, as others have mentioned it's wasteful, that said I know some people do it so I would say 'if it works for you'. It's not working though. We take joint responsibility here so if the basket looks full when you put your stuff in you make a load and put it on. If you pass the washing machine and it's just finished you take it out and hang it. It's just about seeing what needs done. Nobody is doing separate loads but they are all taking responsibility within the family set up. I wonder if you changed your washing system to be more 'economical' would your 17yo be more likely to see it through because it wouldn't just be her washing left to get musty, or is she struggling with her functioning ability in which case that needs support?

Over the age of 10 = secondary school age.

I am in the business of raising functioning adults, and that starts in childhood.

I feel sorry for teens after reading some of the posts.

Has anyone stopped to think WHY they might be struggling?

Nope, okay then.

I never, ever did my own washing when I was living with my parents, everything went in the load together, though I sometimes took it out and hung it to dry. Since I’ve left home I’ve managed do mine (and other people’s) very efficiently, it doesn’t take training to use a washing machine when you need to. I agree kids should do some things around the house mind you.

I, like a PP, moved out at 16. Been doing my own washing since I was about 8. If she can't manage it at 17, when that's all she has to do, she'll be in a shock when she lives alone.

Threads like this always bring out the "I have been living independently since I left primary school" posters.

🍪

Secondary school isn’t some magic marker of when adulthoods begins.

Lets start sending our kids down the coal mines at 5 again. Teach them a thing or two….

Appalling attitude.

Chores that can be easily done breeds and teaches independence.

Your attitude breeds the exact endemic sense of entitlement I see amongst mum friends kids. Mums wringing their hands in exasperation when they come back from Uni with bin bags of dirty washing, demands to be driven around because can't be arsed to learn to drive despite having cars and money to learn.. not to mention just sitting around waiting for food to appear at meal times - without a thought of help to prepare.

I thank god mine were all expected to wash their clothes, cook one supper a week and make their pack lunches from YR 7.

Fgs it's not like you're asking them to take their clothes to the river and beat on a rock ! They have to take a few steps and press a button.

No OP you have the right idea. Do not give in the entitled laziness that this poster appears to support.

It's washing. In a washing machine. Then placing on a clothes horse. She not hand washing rubbing between two stones then wringing through a mangle. It's a 30 second job - shove washing in machine. Add tablet. Press go. Talk about infantilising.

She'll be at uni next year. Do you think the students she shares the launderette with will do anything other than remove her washing and dump it somewhere? Probably not in a basket.

@Bagelsandbrie That comparison is just ridiculous.

It's a process innit. I start by teaching them the basics of washing their own clothes, and whizz bang pop, I've kicked them out the door at 16 expecting them to fend for themselves immediately!

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask teenagers to contribute to the running of the house.

I wouldn't pick laundry as their job though, because it's such an inefficient way to get it all done and I bet I'd end up being inconvenienced by the machine being in use or full of wet stuff when I needed it myself. Oh and they'd tumble dry everything and cost me a fortune.

My 2 do a lot of their own cooking which they enjoy and is a huge load off my shoulders since we eat very differently.

@titchy

It's not infantilising to ask 'why is my teen not managing this?', it's simple and basic parenting. If your child isn't managing to do any task assigned to then the first thing you should do is establish why.

My DS has been washing his own clothes since 16. It’s a good skill. He wants his clothes at a particular time. I do them when he has exams, lots of tests etc.
Its fine. He’s happy to do it.
Maybe your daughter needs a bit more structure - set washing days?

My dd has been doing her own laundry since she was around 10. She needed reminders and a bit of help at first, but at nearly 17, she just gets on with it. Occasionally she is a bit slow to put her clean clothes away, but otherwise she manages fine. And she changes the sheets on her bed more frequently than I do!

It isn't lazy to expect kids to do these things for themselves at all. It's a life skill to learn to plan ahead and ensure that your clothes are ready for when you want to wear them. I really struggled with the absence of the laundry fairy when I first left home, and I didn't want that for dd.

I agree with the idea of giving the 17yo a fresh start - help her get everything done and then remind her regularly to keep on top of it until it becomes a habit.

My teens go in fits and starts of managing everything they 'should' be able to do and needing some help to keep on top of stuff. Fwiw every parent of teens that I know irl says their child has increased mental health issues/stress/anxiety/depression since the pandemic. A lot of standard parenting advice is inappropriate at the moment. The 17 year olds today have been through a unique trauma.

I used to do the washing for the whole household, with the rule of if it's in the basket it gets washed, if it's left on your bedroom floor, I ain't coming in there to pick it up (I have a now-18yo stepson, so no thanks!)

The problem is, me and DP would just put our washing in the basket as and when it needed doing, but stepson would wait until his room was absolutely full of dirty washing, and THEN put it in the basket, meaning it was so full it couldn't even close.

I said the next time he did that, he would be doing it himself. He did it again at 16, so he's done it himself since then, and has his own washing basket in his bedroom.

Sorry, but I have enough to do, and enough washing as it is, without him then dumping an absolute load of washing in the basket (usually announcing that he needs x, y or z for the next day for good measure).

It's all very well washing for your teens if they're otherwise helpful, or at least thoughtful/civil, but in my case he's made it very clear that he doesn't respect me or this household, and I'm nobody's mug. So there we go.

Teens at 17 have many reasons why they might struggle. To not even ask the question is pretty neglectful.
You don't need to be Einstein to press one button on a washing machine, so clearly isn't that!

Something deeper must going on. My dd17 always loves fresh clothes and freshly washed hair and takes pride in her room, clothes and well being, so the fact that op's dd is walking around in clothes that are unwashed for weeks, would be a sign to me of far deeper problems to me. I would be very worried.

I would wash her clothes and then sit down and find out what is happening in her life. Maybe she is just testing but maybe not, you won't know until you ask.

No wonder teens rebel and get into standoffs, the attitude towards them is unkind. I would help my dds if they needed it, I would also hope most of the time they can pitch in and help. All those starting from birth washing and doing chores it sounds really sad. You are allowed to be looked after when you are a small child, and enjoy being carefree. It is not a sin.

A lot of my peers (I’m early 30s) have struggled to learn to take care of themselves… and some of them still do.

This argument always makes me laugh, working a washing machine or taking care of yourself isn't rocket science, it's very easy to learn, we don't need lessons in it or we're floundering at 30. I left home at 18, I'd never washed for myself, done very little cooking and had done no housework. I'd managed to learn within days of leaving my childhood home.

That said, if you've told her to do her own washing, then she should do it, simple. It's not an unreasonable request at all.

This is turning into a competitive Four Yorkshiremen thread again.

DD manages to live independently and look after herself - cook, clean, tidy, wash clothes etc without having been made to do all of those things while at school.

Definitely what @Swayingpalmtrees says.

I think the older teens are the ones who have been most impacted by the last 2 years. My DD17 is up to her ears in revision for A levels which start in 4 weeks. She is so stressed out as she missed out on sitting GCSEs - if I was making her do her laundry she too would be wandering around in dirty clothes. I think they are still our children and we need to look after them.