Am I being mean to my teenage dc?

[PangolinPie]

I expect them to wash their own clothes, it's pretty much the only chore they have to do as I've given up trying to get them to keep their rooms clean. Ds14 is pretty good at washing and hanging up his clothes to dry but dd17 is atrocious. She can go up to 2.5 weeks not washing a thing (has lots of clothes though). 3 or 4 days ago she put a load on to wash which I moved, wet, into a basket and it has sat there ever since, mustering away. I COULD hang it up for her but there was no room on the dryer and anyway, she should do it, right? I'm normally nails about expecting them to do this one thing but for some reason I'm dithering. It would be easy for me to give in and just do all their washing, particularly dds who I fear is getting to the stage where she wears pants more than once 😖

Totally agree - I can't fathom some posters that say they haven't washed clothes for THEIR CHILDREN after 11 years old! Everyone mucks in to help each other in our home. My DD has SATS next week, I will make sure she has chilled mornings and a good breakfast before hand, and similar evenings because that's what you do as a parent and for someone you love and she will 100% appreciate it. When they are over she will go back to helping out as normal. When I had severe morning sickness and SPD my DD's helped out extra and I 100% appreciated it. This is how I want my DD's to grow up - not with the attitude "it's not my shit so I'm not touching it, do it yourself".

Have you spoken to DD17 about this? What is her take? Does she seem like she’s generally coping with life? Not questions you need to answer here!! I think I’d just be trying to establish WHY it was so difficult for her, and then finding strategies together to help her with this (does she need more reminders, or a routine? Eg. You put it on monday after college, you hang it up after monday dinner. Is she aware she has wet washed laundry festering? Does she know how grim it smells after half a day and needs to be rewashed anyway?)

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a teen to be doing their own laundry. Rightly or wrongly at 13/14 my weekly chores were: clean the bathroom (took 20 mins or so), put the food shopping away (a younger siblings job was to transport shopping from car to kitchen table!), keep own room tidy / clean (once a week, and I REALLY struggled with this.. still do at 30 something :)) and do own laundry. We were involved in cooking, but this was definitely sold as a ‘fun’ thing, rather than a chore thing! And kudos to my parents for making that fun because feeding everyone is definitely a chore!!!

The absolute projection in this is insane!!

It is not projection. I spend 3/4 of my life with this age group. The explosion of suicide attempts, self harming, eating disorders, tics and GAD have reached record levels. If you think it is okay to pile even more pressure on a fragile cohort, that are now heading towards A levels having been locked away for the best part of two years, that is really something you should reflect on.

The rest of us will continue to live in harmonious homes with mutual care and support and grounded in cooperation. Not a war zone where everyone is out for themselves.
We owe it to your teens to be especially kind, especially understanding and compassionate. They have survived, they are doing their best under gruelling conditions. I can't think why on earth any parent would take such a militant stance on some washing! It shows how little they understand just how hard things are for all of them.

I'm confused how washing laundry - a very quick job, even when pegging out - somehow equates to the equivalent of cold-hearted child abuse.

My 11yo child (year 7) washed her laundry yesterday. We discussed the best time of day to put the load on, to get them dried the fastest. She learned forward thinking, planning and executive function skills through that conversation and execution. She learned tricks of how best to peg laundry out (her first summer of hanging laundry on the line herself) and when it was likely to be dry, so planned her day so she could bring it in at a good time.

This morning she went to school on her bike, wearing clothes she washed and dried herself, with a packed lunch she made herself.

This is so far from child abuse as to be laughable.

You have made all this up! No where has op said she hasn't talked to her dd.
Stop projecting!

Op I don't think there is a one size fits all approach here.

My dd19 started doing her own washing from about 14, with my help and then competently on her own about 2 months later. She coped perfectly well doing her chores and doing both GCSEs and A levels.

My dd8 has been helping do her own laundry for the past year, she has a laundry basket and once it get to a certain point it is time for it to go in the wash, she puts it in, then dries it and we both put it away together.

Neither of my dc have any SN and aren't anxious kids so are perfectly capable of doing chores alongside schoolwork, that won't work for other kids. You know your DD and what's best for her.
For me it was important to raise competent adults, I have achieved that with one and the other is still little but can do a lot for herself, other parents feel it's more important to let them enjoy being young without responsibility.

I don't think one approach is better than the other as it's all down to the kids themselves.
DD19 has some friends at uni that still don't know how to wash, cook etc.. as they never had to, she also has friends that can competently look after themselves even though the parents also did everything for them at home.

Most people find a way and muddle through, but I didn't want mine to middle through I wanted them to be capable and independent.
There will be points in their life when they have a lot of shit going on and will still need to do the washing, cooking and cleaning, I think I've prepared them for this.

Do your teens do any chores?

It’s not mean to make them do some chores but I think everyone doing their own washing doesn’t really work. I think things like loading/unloading the dishwasher, vacuuming, cooking a meal for everyone once a week work better.

SwayingPalmTrees I see where you're coming from, but the problem with that approach is some of them just take a mile, and learn no give and take. DD18 has had a heavy study workload since last September so I "exempted" her from all household chores (not that she was doing much anyway) so she could concentrate. During all that time she would literally leave used teabags, wet towels, clothes, makeup etc everywhere and expect me to pick up after her.
Now that her study schedule has eased off, she's lying in bed till whenever, disappearing all weekend and stropping off 80% of the time when asked to do her washing or a small task. I am apparently a nag and hyper-critical and should leave her alone and know my place obviously (!)

They just need to learn to get on with stuff, stop over-analysing it all and stop making excuses. An hour's housework per week - literally that's all I ask - will do them more good than harm.

Nothing wrong with asking teens to help with doing washing. It's not great from an economical/environmental perspective though is it? My washing machine would be on twice or even three times as often if the dc were doing their own.

I think projection was actually not the word I was looking for @Swayingpalmtrees and I can't now think of the exact word I do mean.

It is tragic to grow up in a home that is so disjointed and unkind that you can walk around for stinking unwashed clothes for weeks, and no one will care.

She's not walking around in stinking unwashed clothes. She's just not done her own laundry for 2 weeks. OP said she has plenty of clothes.

No one will ask you if you are okay? If you are coping? Do you need help? A hug? A hand?

Where on earth do you make this assumption from. OP expecting her 17 year old daughter to complete one chore - to wash her own clothes in her own timeframe - in NO WAY even slightly suggests she doesn't love, help, hug or care about her daughter!!

I just can not understand the mindset that unless you are doing your washing, then you are not worthy of consideration

Again, this is a total fabrication!

and that the only thing that matters is your chore list

Her one chore. One.

I can not fathom growing up in such a hostile home that let one of us struggle, and it is judged and criticised rather than supported and cared for.

Hostile?! There's absolutely nothing hostile about expecting a 17 year old to take the tiniest modicum of responsibility. For herself. She's not even being asked to do any of the other household laundry. Just her own.

The pressure on your dd17 is huge and real, but all you seem to care about is her bloody laundry!! Talk about seriously missing the point.

All she cares about. ALL? Yep, I'm sure OP couldn't give a fig about anything else.

It is so desperately sad for her and for your other dd

Its a DS. Who is 14 and managing perfectly well doing his own laundry apparently.

I am not even sure I believe it.

Come the fuck on! You can't believe a mother would teach her child to do her own laundry and then...expect her to do her own laundry.

No one could be so unkind and unloving to their children, as to let them walk around for weeks in unwashed clothes without even offering to help!

She's not! You have absolutely ENTIRELY made this up!

I see the OP has not returned to the thread she started and has now provoked a world of debate. I guess this will now feature in the jeremy vine show. 🤔

I think you need to communicate with your DD. Did you remind her the clothes were in the washing machine? Remind her they were in the basket?

Your 14 year old is managing fine, but that doesn't mean your 17 can't struggle.

Once your DD has got into a routine and has done it a few times, it will probably be ok, but I would be reminding her until then. I would probably even say, "The washing machine is free if need to use it" until she gets into the swing of things.

I did my own washing from 13 and if I left it in the machine too long, my Mum would throw it in the mud patch in the garden. Cow.

The OP may not be back but to be fair. she only posted this morning. 😅

How often is your washing machine being used in your house, and for how many people?

I think at 17 she should be able to manage her own washing really. I would be more cross she has put it in and then just abandoned it-Id actually rather she had waited until she was going to see the job through. I dont ask mine (12, 13, 15) to do their laundry-they have to get it in the basket and put it away. Sometimes I ask them to help peg it out. They have a set chore each (wash up after tea, dry the pots after tea and hoovering), they help cook sometimes and I teach them recipes and I expect them to tidy their own rooms.

I think by 17 though I would want them to be a little more independent and at least capable of looking after themselves for most things.

I think at 17 she should be able to manage her own washing really.

You do realise the whole point of the thread is that she isnt managing

Or rather that she is deliberately choosing not to manage.

it’s not like it is a difficult, arduous or time consuming task.
there is no reason why it is beyond a 17 year old to do this basic task.

it isn’t beyond her.

she’s just being lazy and expecting her mum to run around after her.

I’m inspired. Going to get my teens doing their own washing once a week.

I thought the question was whether OP was being mean by expecting their 17 year old to do their own washing.

It doesn't sound like a not managing. It sounds like a cannot be bothered.

I'm with you op. All three of mine are responsible for their own washing and have been for a couple of years. 13, 27 and 20.

It's the same amount of washing that would be done if I was in charge of it all, and if there's a half load they know to ask if anyone has anything to top it up to a full load.

They also know how to hoover, clean bathrooms and the kitchen, walk the dog and cook meals, because I'm buggered if I'm doing it all for them!

I really don't understand how people think this is unreasonable!

13, 17 and 20. Not 27!

The horror stories my DCs had of life in halls of residence at uni due to clueless flatmates means I'm all for getting them to look after themselves.

Looks like I spoilt mine then as I did their laundry until they moved out, I just did the family washing and drying then left it to them to put away (or not).
My mum did mine until I moved out too, at 24.
They are both fully functioning, successful adults though.

Didn't take long for me, or them to learn once left home though. I just felt that they should make the most of their young years, what with school, homework, socialising and sports etc. took me minutes.
I never used an iron or a hoover until I moved out. Soon learnt how to though when I bought my first house (several phone calls to mum)

Are you kidding me?????

My DD was doing her own laundry every week since she was 12. She also had to take the trash out, clean her bathroom, and do the dishes. Honestly I think she had it EASY and she even said I was easy on her, and she even said I was easy on her. The only time she was allowed to skip any of these if she had a lot of school work, which was a priority.

Please don't feel bad, if those are your kids only chores you are being pretty easy on them. I think all kids can and should do chores, then they will be used to it when they are on their own.