Page 6 | Am I being mean to my teenage dc?

Original poster

PangolinPie · 03/05/2022 19:17

Swayingpalmtrees · 03/05/2022 10:59

It is tragic to grow up in a home that is so disjointed and unkind that you can walk around for stinking unwashed clothes for weeks, and no one will care. No one will ask you if you are okay? If you are coping? Do you need help? A hug? A hand?
I just can not understand the mindset that unless you are doing your washing, then you are not worthy of consideration and that the only thing that matters is your chore list. I can not fathom growing up in such a hostile home that let one of us struggle, and it is judged and criticised rather than supported and cared for. There is something very much 'you made your bed' about the sheer militancy of some of the answers on here.
My dd is overwhelmed with testing - our schools planned assessments just in case of a spring lockdown, they have their exams coming up and it is like a pressure cooker at school. The pressure on your dd17 is huge and real, but all you seem to care about is her bloody laundry!! Talk about seriously missing the point.

It is so desperately sad for her and for your other dd, I am not even sure I believe it. No one could be so unkind and unloving to their children, as to let them walk around for weeks in unwashed clothes without even offering to help!

Popcorn or not this is really sad, and not funny at all.

Good god! You are "desperately sorry" for my dc being expected to do ONE thing for themselves within a home where they are loved, and cared for in many other practical ways. Your projection onto my situation is so utterly spectacular it deserves an award.

Yes yes you're correct, all I care about is her laundry, you clearly have access to my thoughts and know exactly what's going on in my home of teenage torture. You're not sure whether to believe it? I'm not sure I believe your response is for real.

OP posts:

pooktline · 03/05/2022 20:33

@TrashyPanda

Or rather that she is deliberately choosing not to manage.

it’s not like it is a difficult, arduous or time consuming task.
there is no reason why it is beyond a 17 year old to do this basic task.

it isn’t beyond her.

she’s just being lazy and expecting her mum to run around after her.

Did OP update and I missed it?

You don't know any of this

FrangipaniBlue · 03/05/2022 22:51

Tonight I made DS14 clean the kitchen bin after I discovered, despite repeatedly telling him to stop just throwing stuff in without checking there's a liner, a mouldy stinky festering god knows how old probiotic bottle in the bottom of said bin.

I could see him in the garden from the kitchen window, retching at the smell when he had to reach his arm in with a cloth to wipe it out.

Oh how I laughed.

No OP. You are not being mean.

NeededAction · 03/05/2022 22:56

.. why not put a fresh liner in when you take the old one out? Then no one has to be retching.. or laughing over someone retching.

TrashyPanda · 03/05/2022 23:06

pooktline · 03/05/2022 20:33

@TrashyPanda

Or rather that she is deliberately choosing not to manage.

it’s not like it is a difficult, arduous or time consuming task.
there is no reason why it is beyond a 17 year old to do this basic task.

it isn’t beyond her.

she’s just being lazy and expecting her mum to run around after her.

Did OP update and I missed it?

You don't know any of this

It’s just commonsense and true

putting clothes in a machine and then hanging up to dry is not difficult, arduous or time consuming.

there is no reason why she cannot do this task, or her mother would not have asked her to do it.

it is not beyond her because it is a simple task and she is 17.

it is very lazy to behave as she is doing.

as OP says

my dc being expected to do ONE thing for themselves within a home where they are loved, and cared for in many other practical ways

FrangipaniBlue · 03/05/2022 23:08

NeededAction · 03/05/2022 22:56

.. why not put a fresh liner in when you take the old one out? Then no one has to be retching.. or laughing over someone retching.

Because DS obviously ditched his crap in the bin while DH was taking the full one out to the wheelie bin (which DS has a habit of doing, hence the bollocking). When DH came back inside and put a fresh liner in he didn't realise what DS had done.

NeededAction · 03/05/2022 23:25

sorry for the derail OP!
I understand Frangipani, but I mean make the taking it out and replacing it ONE job, then take the full one to the outside bin?

I clearly care too much about bins haha

CandyLeBonBon · 04/05/2022 00:31

@PangolinPie and anyone else where actually wants their kids to be fully fledged, functioning humans, whose parters aren't on here in a few years complaining about how shit they are .... shall I set up a 'how to adult for teens' course on Udemy?

DailySheetWasher · 04/05/2022 02:07

CandyLeBonBon · 04/05/2022 00:31

@PangolinPie and anyone else where actually wants their kids to be fully fledged, functioning humans, whose parters aren't on here in a few years complaining about how shit they are .... shall I set up a 'how to adult for teens' course on Udemy?

I'm not sure if you and other pps are just being dramatic, or if you really can't grasp that children can learn independence in lots of ways. Refusing to have anything to do with their laundry once they hit 10/12/16 is not the only way to approach it.

I think we can all agree putting a washing machine on is a fairly straightforward task, I'm not sure kids need to be doing it weekly for years and years to get a handle on it. If that's your preferred approach fine, but you don't need to despair for the kids whose parents are doing things differently.

DropYourSword · 04/05/2022 02:38

I think we can all agree putting a washing machine on is a fairly straightforward task

Agreed. Which is why it's perfectly reasonable to expect a 17 year old to do it.

DailySheetWasher · 04/05/2022 02:54

DropYourSword · 04/05/2022 02:38

I think we can all agree putting a washing machine on is a fairly straightforward task

Agreed. Which is why it's perfectly reasonable to expect a 17 year old to do it.

Yes... equally perfectly reasonable not to expect it if they are contributing to the household in other ways and not entitled prats generally. I don't mind laundry, it's one of my least hated household tasks so happy to do that and get the teens more involved in stuff I really loathe. I doubt it's going to turn them into hapless burdens on society for the rest of their lives.

Theoldwoman · 04/05/2022 03:23

Swayingpalmtrees · 03/05/2022 11:36

The absolute projection in this is insane!!

It is not projection. I spend 3/4 of my life with this age group. The explosion of suicide attempts, self harming, eating disorders, tics and GAD have reached record levels. If you think it is okay to pile even more pressure on a fragile cohort, that are now heading towards A levels having been locked away for the best part of two years, that is really something you should reflect on.

The rest of us will continue to live in harmonious homes with mutual care and support and grounded in cooperation. Not a war zone where everyone is out for themselves.
We owe it to your teens to be especially kind, especially understanding and compassionate. They have survived, they are doing their best under gruelling conditions. I can't think why on earth any parent would take such a militant stance on some washing! It shows how little they understand just how hard things are for all of them.

The best post yet!

Agree 1 million per cent.

Cubangal · 04/05/2022 03:37

I wash whatever is in the laundry basket, if they put it in there then it gets washed. Otherwise they have to do their own as I won't go round the house fetching it.

Pickabearanybear · 04/05/2022 04:08

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boronia · 04/05/2022 04:09

No you're not being mean.
One of mine asked how to use the washing machine at 16 and from then on did their own washing ( including bed linen) and hung it out too.
I didn't ask, they wanted to learn how to do things.
The other child was closer to 18, but also did their own. It's a great life skill - especially how to do it so you don't run out of clean clothes.

Pickabearanybear · 04/05/2022 04:14

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MyCatIsAJerk · 04/05/2022 04:24

My ex-SIL made her kids do their own clothes, which actually I think is good training for when they leave home.

My two nieces were 8 and 10, which I found cruel and their mother lazy.

Pickabearanybear · 04/05/2022 04:56

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Anotherselfemployedcleaner · 04/05/2022 06:03

I can see why the op chose washing their own clothes as the chore for her kids though. If trying to get them to contribute to the running of the household in other ways is a battle, then giving them the chore of taking care of their own washing takes some work off the op's hands and only impacts on them if they don't do it. Natural consequences for them which is good.

Totally agree with this.

Ferngreen · 04/05/2022 06:52

3 or 4 days ago she put a load on to wash which I moved, wet, into a basket and it has sat there ever since, mustering away

This sounds to me like it might be 'punishing' you. You're having to watch a basket of expensive clothes be ruined. This would make me more stubborn not to give in to her.

Original poster

PangolinPie · 04/05/2022 07:22

Just to update. I re-washed the clothes for her, spoke to her about what happens if you leave them too long before hanging them up and then asked her to hang them up herself, which she did. All very respectful and calm. Honestly, I posted this thread in "teenagers", not AIBU, so didn't expect to be called cruel, lazy, selfish and abusive, with hand wringing about my poor mentally ill teens being asked to learn some self-care and life skills using natural consequences, but there you go, I should have known better on MN these days. Thank you to the reasonable responses.

OP posts:

Original poster

PangolinPie · 04/05/2022 07:24

P.s I am also not single-handedly destroying the environment by having them do separate washes as their own clothes are a full load each 👍

OP posts:

Madamecastafiore · 04/05/2022 07:41

Outafocus · 03/05/2022 07:17

I don't do washing for anyone over the age of 10.

Leave her to it, op! She's better off learning at home than in a house share.

My parents did this, it made me feel different from my peers and uncared for and unloved. Here was their mums lovingly washing and ironing their clothes and mine couldn't be bothered to Chuck my stuff in the wash with the rest of the family.

I just don't understand why people do this, especially with washing, it's probably more economical to just shove it all in in one load. What are you trying to achieve? Showing kids how to use the machine? My 17 year old knows how to cook, wash clothes and iron but I'd not expect him to do his own.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/05/2022 07:57

As a single parent of three, working full time, I expect my teenagers to pull their weight. My name is not Cinderella and to whoever accused me m, no I'm not being fucking dramatic.

Outafocus · 04/05/2022 07:59

Madamecastafiore · 04/05/2022 07:41

My parents did this, it made me feel different from my peers and uncared for and unloved. Here was their mums lovingly washing and ironing their clothes and mine couldn't be bothered to Chuck my stuff in the wash with the rest of the family.

I just don't understand why people do this, especially with washing, it's probably more economical to just shove it all in in one load. What are you trying to achieve? Showing kids how to use the machine? My 17 year old knows how to cook, wash clothes and iron but I'd not expect him to do his own.

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I'm sorry you felt that way, but my dc feel differently, and in fact don't want me anywhere near their laundry pile.

They also feel very loved and cared for.