Am I being mean to my teenage dc?

[PangolinPie]

I expect them to wash their own clothes, it's pretty much the only chore they have to do as I've given up trying to get them to keep their rooms clean. Ds14 is pretty good at washing and hanging up his clothes to dry but dd17 is atrocious. She can go up to 2.5 weeks not washing a thing (has lots of clothes though). 3 or 4 days ago she put a load on to wash which I moved, wet, into a basket and it has sat there ever since, mustering away. I COULD hang it up for her but there was no room on the dryer and anyway, she should do it, right? I'm normally nails about expecting them to do this one thing but for some reason I'm dithering. It would be easy for me to give in and just do all their washing, particularly dds who I fear is getting to the stage where she wears pants more than once 😖

I feel your pain. My dh does the washing and got fed up with washing my 15 year olds clothes only for them to be chucked on the floor with the dirty ones/put back in the wash unworn. So said she should do her own. But she almost never does unless I hassle her about it. (I also have, and have expressed doubts about her hygiene/underwear changing habits and she just gets cross if I mention it) Then she puts nearly everything she owns in the wash all at once and then complains for days she can't find the clothes she needs because they are still drying or she hasn't put them away.

I think that in a ‘normal’ loving family, where it’s done with thought, to get kids to take some responsibility, then doing your own washing really doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s 5 minutes to sort and load the machine and 10 minutes to hang it or put in the dryer.
As part of a bigger issue of not being looked after in general, being left to take on too much responsibility too young, it can be a problem. But in that case, it’s about a lot more than doing washing.

My kids are teenagers, they do some chores but not their own washing as a rule. They do both put a wash on if they see the basket is looking full or we ask them to. I find it easier to just do washing altogether.

You've read far more into OP's post than is actually there - you can see that, can't you? Calling her a shit parent is out of order.

I don't think you understand the complexity of parenting teens out

And I think you are needlessly rude, and don't know anything about my life apart from the few sentences I've written in this thread. Ah well.

Your teens are at a massive disadvantage if you fail to realise they are becoming adults and do nothing to help them prepare for the realities of adult life unless you are prepared to be present, help out, by teaching them how to be resilient and self sufficient involve yourself with their homework/washing/nutrition when needed, pay attention to their needs and not just do everything for them because you fail to realise they are no longer children check out because your time is up.

Your teens are at a massive disadvantage if you fail to realise they are becoming adults and do nothing to help them prepare for the realities of adult life unless you are prepared to be present, help out, by teaching them how to be resilient and self sufficient involve yourself with their homework/washing/nutrition when needed, pay attention to their needs and not just do everything for them because you fail to realise they are no longer children check out because your time is up.

My teens are totally self sufficient, they can cook, clean, wash, drive a car, sail a boat, ride a horse, play a mean game of tennis, care for animals properly and are known to enjoy an excellent game of cricket and are the go to people in our hous house for DIY. I have no qualms about them heading into the world completely ready.

What I am not prepared to do is leave to struggle and flounder when I could help, to give them a hug and a hand when they need it from time to time, that is just called being a decent human being. The militancy on this thread is rather terrifying and I feel sorry for the kids involved.

Evidence for terrifying militancy?

I think terrifying militancy might be a little bit of a stretch for asking a 17 year old to wash their clothes

Model the behaviour, encourage them to get involved, say thanks when they do, and don't make it a hill to die on.
Yeah, teens are frustrating and annoying and they seem lazy and entitled sometimes (I have two DSs, 18 and 16) but they will learn more about how to grow into a decent adult from seeing you do stuff with and for them than by you becoming as belligerent and stroppy as they can be.
They will grow up and they will do their own laundry etc in time, our role is to show them how so when they're ready they'll do it without question.

@Swayingpalmtrees you are being rude and offensive, and making fucking HUGE assumptions about how I parent my children based on one post I made. Seems your empathy for other human beings only flows in one direction and I hope it's comfortable up there on your high horse. Of COURSE there are not just 2 ways to parent a teen (your way being the superior way of course), there are a myriad. If you can't see what you've said on this thread about my parenting is ridiculous, reductionist and reactionary there's no hope for you. Congrats on your incredibly well balanced teens by the way, well done you 🙄

My dd is not "struggling and floundering" because she can't be bothered to wash her clothes and needs constant prompting to do it. Of course, you would have me believe that's because I have no insight into her inner life, emotions, pressures and post-covid anxieties. You have NO IDEA about the wider relationship with my daughter, we are both complete strangers to you and don't you fucking dare judge me on the snippet I posted on here for one specific issue. You are unbelievable!

I am not sure why you are swearing so much and getting so angry. Walking around in festering clothes that haven't been washed in weeks is not good parenting, sorry, but it is true. Everyone needs a hand sometimes whether we are 18 or 80.

You can INSIST she does it, as you have been and dig in your heels and make it into a big deal, or you could just help out and check she is okay. I would do the latter, and find militant parenting and 'its my way or the highway' rules damaging to teens. It creates tension and hostility. I can't agree with you. In principle yes she can do her washing every week, in reality her schedule might mean she simply can not fit it in. Be kind to her.

You're not sure why I'm getting angry when you've told me I've checked out of parenting for asking my daughter to do one chore? You've called me militant, a shit parent, unkind. You've made inferences about my dd''s mental health and that I'm oblivious to her life, feelings and I'm putting them at a massive disadvantage because, you say, I'm not involved in nurturing them any more? And you're wondering why I'm angry. You're very special. Oh and thanks for telling me to be kind to her, because I'd have never thought of that myself.

You're not sure why I'm getting angry when you've told me I've checked out of parenting for asking my daughter to do one chore? You've called me militant, a shit parent, unkind. You've made inferences about my dd''s mental health and that I'm oblivious to her life, feelings and I'm putting them at a massive disadvantage because, you say, I'm not involved in nurturing them any more? And you're wondering why I'm angry. You're very special. Oh and thanks for telling me to be kind to her, because I'd have never thought of that myself.

Well to be fair it is a forum I have no idea what you are like normally as a parent, I am simply saying I do think it is unkind letting her struggle in unwashed clothes, and many teens (I have no idea about your dd) have MH issues, some more serious than others. Even teens with good mental health struggle with A levels and the demands on them.

There is no need to be angry if nothing I have said is true. Only you can say whether you are being kind/gentle and loving to your dd 99% of the time or not. I am not here to judge you, and I am not perfect - far from it. Just leaving her wet washing in the basket for days seemed cruel to me, and I felt sorry for her. This seems to infuriate you - why? It is only one person's opinion (admittedly quite a few other posts didn't agree with you either) but the split was fairly even. So if you are confident that you are doing everything with kindness why post in the first place to ask if you are being mean?

My answer to that is yes, and others have said no. You washed the clothes in the end, so maybe you were not comfortable with it either, not really.

I have no idea what you are like normally as a parent

That's the sensible only thing you've said with regards to my situation. Please think about how you respond to people online in future. I am a human, not just "words on a screen".

You infuriated me because, as I've already said, your incorrect inferences. Maybe you just wanted to have a rant about what you think is wrong in the way people parent teens, and my post ignited your own rage, but it was not appropriate for you to have reacted the way you did and gone so deep and personal in your accusations of my "bad parenting".

Please don't try to pretend your cruel and untrue diatribe directed at me was purely because you felt sorry for my dd. There was something else behind it and you know it.

You sound paranoid. There is nothing behind my words, beyond my own genuine opinion. If you don't want differing opinions and just an echo chamber then don't post.

You asked if it is mean, my answer and others was yes actually it is a bit mean! No big shakes if you don't agree.I doubt you will change your view anyway.
I hope you dd carries on washing her clothes without any further hiccups, and if you want to take this thread so personally then go ahead, but it is unkind not help your kids from time to time when they need it, and thats all there is to it🙄

Honestly @PangolinPie I'd just ignore @Swayingpalmtrees - she's so ridiculous in what she's saying it's really not worth responding to!!

Oh behave.

Sorry but please go back and read everything you wrote (you won't of course) and tell me where you "simply said" it was "a bit mean". You went far far further than that. I'm not going to engage with you any more because you are, seemingly, incapable of self-awareness. I think you are the one living in a self-made echo chamber for your own special little self.

I agree with you on one thing.

I really can't stand neglectful parents (not saying you are one before you start swearing at me) that dress it up as 'helping' their kids. 'Free range' sometimes just means they have no idea where they are. 'Fostering independence' can sometimes mean the parents can't be bothered to parent anymore. 'Learning resilience' can sometimes be window dressing for allowing children to be exposed to danger. 'Learning skills' but not actually teaching them to cook from scratch/first aid/washing/how to clean marble/deal with a house fire or anything else it is simply leaving them to it.

I see a lot of checked out parents in my work, and it is pretty sad to see and those children generally have a feeling of being unloved and uncared for that they carry into adulthood. They can feel vulnerable not resilient, and alone when they could feel supported. I am not saying this is you op, but I don't like checked out parents pretending to be 'helping' their teens when they are doing nothing of the sort or at best the bare minimum. So yes maybe you are picking up on that as the outcome for these kids is not good at all.

Outafocus · 03/05/2022 07:17
I don't do washing for anyone over the age of “

why?

OP take no notice. The long list of completely irrelevant to this thread elite sports strangely classed as life skills shows that the poster in question does live in a different world that most of our dc will never thank fuck inhabit.