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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I being mean to my teenage dc?

198 replies

PangolinPie · 03/05/2022 07:00

I expect them to wash their own clothes, it's pretty much the only chore they have to do as I've given up trying to get them to keep their rooms clean. Ds14 is pretty good at washing and hanging up his clothes to dry but dd17 is atrocious. She can go up to 2.5 weeks not washing a thing (has lots of clothes though). 3 or 4 days ago she put a load on to wash which I moved, wet, into a basket and it has sat there ever since, mustering away. I COULD hang it up for her but there was no room on the dryer and anyway, she should do it, right? I'm normally nails about expecting them to do this one thing but for some reason I'm dithering. It would be easy for me to give in and just do all their washing, particularly dds who I fear is getting to the stage where she wears pants more than once 😖

OP posts:
CeeceeBloomingdale · 03/05/2022 07:55

It’s an odd task to separate out, all washing goes in together here. Other laundry related tasks like ironing, flooding, putting away are easier to do individually.

jackstini · 03/05/2022 07:58

It's wasteful splitting the loads that way so Yabu there!

YANBU at all for asking them to help with a chore, but they might need showing a few times how to do it well/efficiently

First priority - Dd will need to wash her clothes again today and hang them up so they don't smell

Second - sit them down and ask which chore they want to do. Could ds do more family washing and Dd do ironing, dishwasher, cook a meal a week..?

AnotherAnxiousMess · 03/05/2022 07:58

Leave it. I was doing my own washing, drying and ironing at 13, it was one of the very few things I had to do around the house, so similar to your daughter. I don’t think you’re expecting much from her. My dad caved with all the other chores when I was a young teen and I knew he would. Sounds like your DD is waiting for you to do the same! At 18, a lot of teens are going off to uni, doing their own washing, shopping, cooking, tidying, cleaning… she needs to get on with it.

Innocenta · 03/05/2022 08:00

She's practically an adult! It's perfectly treasonable to expect her to do her washing.

Innocenta · 03/05/2022 08:01

lol. I meant reasonable!

Fleurtjeblau · 03/05/2022 08:01

I think you're caught up in this stand off. The goal is for her to be more responsible and this technique clearly isn't working, so you should probably change your approach. Just like with everything else in life, if one technique isn't working, try another. If you don't, then itll look to her that this is a punishment and you're just refusing to stand down rather than helping her learn - that's the fastest way to cause a teenager to enter into the standoff with you.

You're an adult and you want her to be more adult, so work with her, not against her, would be my advice :)

planetme · 03/05/2022 08:03

They're 14 and 17

Definitely make them do it ! So important to learn basic adult life / domestic skills

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/05/2022 08:04

Either do her washing the way you want or leave her to do it the way she wants. If she wants to do it every two weeks then let her.

mintbiscuit · 03/05/2022 08:05

OP I get it. My 18 year old is the same and has been doing his own washing for years. drives me nuts when he leaves it there for days.

And to those going on about half loads…. Have you met a teenager?? I’ve NEVER witnessed a half load going in the washing machine with mine. Their washing multiples like gremlins!!!

Bumpsadaisie · 03/05/2022 08:07

You can't allow your teen Dd to wear pants twice. So something needs doing.

But what?

Probably not just stepping in and doing it for her. But not just leaving her to it either.

Could you talk to her, say she isn't wearing clean clothes regularly enough to amount to good self care, and how can you help her?

Would it help if you did a few loads for her, to give her a reset?

See what she says?

PritiPatelsMaker · 03/05/2022 08:09

If my DD goes to Uni, she will have turned 18 the month before. I can't imagine sending a child off to Uni who doesn't know how to take basic care of their hygiene.

Definitely don't do it but I would talk to her abs pony out that it's the only thing you ask and if she doesn't want to do her washing, what other tasks would she like to do instead?

Banoffe · 03/05/2022 08:11

Don’t do it!!

I’m the adult who’s parents always gave in to this type of thing and I seriously struggle to keep anything tidy today (capable adult in every other way).

The only thing I wish my parents had done for me is be far stricter on the tidying. She’ll appreciate it when she’s older!

Flatandhappy · 03/05/2022 08:12

I don’t think it is an unreasonable chore but tbh while mine were in school I just did “family laundry”, especially as school uniform requirements were pretty strict. Both DS and DD needed five shirts/blouses a week as well as PE and sport kit, had to have the correct socks etc. and I didn’t want to hear “I can’t find a clean x” at 7am. As they finished school they just started doing their own without it being a thing. Getting DS to clean his bathroom was always the challenge in our house 😂

SerenaVanDerWoodsenHumphrey · 03/05/2022 08:13

3 or 4 days ago she put a load on to wash which I moved, wet, into a basket and it has sat there ever since, mustering away. I COULD hang it up for her but there was no room on the dryer

If there was no room on the drying rack, how could she hang it up for herself? It sounds like her load finished and she didn't take it out right away and you moved it to do your load and then put yours on the dryer in front of hers? Or there was already washing on the rack when her load finished, and then there were two more loads to hang up and no space? But then if she'd hung hers out right away, there would have been no room for yours on the rack.

Perhaps you need a schedule of who uses the washer and drying rack when, and she needs to remember to take her wash out as soon as it's done - if there's no timer maybe install a manual one, or suggest she get used to setting the timer on her mobile? These things aren't obvious when you first start doing washing; putting the wet items in a basket probably confused her and she wasn't sure what to do.

Coughee · 03/05/2022 08:14

I can see why the op chose washing their own clothes as the chore for her kids though. If trying to get them to contribute to the running of the household in other ways is a battle, then giving them the chore of taking care of their own washing takes some work off the op's hands and only impacts on them if they don't do it. Natural consequences for them which is good.

These days we are quite likely to have young adult children living with us for a while (cost of living, house prices etc), I certainly don't want to be picking up after someone in their 20s so enforcing principles like this is pretty important in the long run.

Imissmoominmama · 03/05/2022 08:15

@Bagelsandbrie - I did my own washing from around 8. I’m mid 50s now and I don’t think it harmed me…

AndAsIfByMagic · 03/05/2022 08:16

So many people making excuses for a lazy teen. Daft.

2catsandhappy · 03/05/2022 08:17

Tell her what happens to wet clothes that get left. Perhaps she has not realised. Then leave her to sort it out.
I only intervene when dd leaves dry laundry on the line for days.
She will soon learn and get into a routine.

ExtraordinaryBehaviour · 03/05/2022 08:17

You can't allow your teen Dd to wear pants twice. So something needs doing.

She is 17, 17!!!

Coughee · 03/05/2022 08:18

I am laughing at the fact we have one poster saying they wouldn't forgive their parents if they'd made them do their own washing and another saying they feel let down by their parents not enforcing this kind of thing. Kind of sums up parenthood - doomed to fuck it up whatever we do!

User3568975431146 · 03/05/2022 08:18

It's really not a big deal to wash their clothes while you're putting a load on yourself, I'm not sure what you're expecting to achieve to be honest. It seems like a weird thing to choose to cause a drama over.

The hassle over this will be a memory for her, it is unnecessary. Just hung their washing in the machine while you're doing yours for goodness sake. Pick your battles and this just isn't one to have.

Seeline · 03/05/2022 08:22

I'm with those saying it's much more efficient to do the family washing together rather than numerous half loads. Doesn't mean DCs can't help, but tbh I think it's better to choose tasks like washing up/dishwasher, hoovering, bins etc.
My DS has managed his washing at uni quite happily without having to do his washing at home, and when he is at home his washing goes in with the rest of the family's as long as it is in the laundry bin.
DD is 17 and quite frankly is so bogged down in schoolwork for A levels in 4 weeks I think it would be really unfair to expect her to do her washing. I am still her parent. She can learn life skills for uni after her exams.

romdowa · 03/05/2022 08:23

I was a carer for my father at 17 , yadnu. It's good parenting to teach your children life skills. My mil didn't teach either of her children , I taught dp and her other son Is mid 30s and won't even do the wash up never mind wash his clothes or cook.

Swayingpalmtrees · 03/05/2022 08:24

At fourteen years old, you may not have mastered prioritising your time and getting your own washing done, dried, folded and put away. It is unrealistic to expect teens to be on top of everything at that age, so you then leave them with unwashed clothes and the stress of smelling bad and the consequences of that.

Children need help, they need support and they have to learn how to manage their time, this stuff doesn't happen over night! Rigid rules that offer no help or flexibility is really just making their struggle even harder.

Cut them some slack and help them when they need it, or at least do it with them. I don't know how you can stand by and let them fester in filthy clothes. There is one thing in teaching independence and responsibility, quite another not to help out if they are getting overwhelmed. You are too hard on them, and no they won't thank you for it, they will just see you as someone can could have helped and choose not to. Many teens are dealing with anxiety, mental health problems, social media pressure, exam pressure etc etc it is not surprising really when you think of what they are up against compared to our lives as teens...

orangeisthenewpuce · 03/05/2022 08:24

You're being a good parent. I'd remind her about the wet clothes in the basket but if she leaves it that's her choice.