Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

[Calafsidentity]

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

DH and I were talking about this, we no longer know what we want to do! Too much brain space has been taken up by the young people's needs and our abırlı to decide and choose for ourselves has shrunk!

I'm very much still the parent of a young child (DS is 8) but my parents have just retired (I'm 31) and bought a caravan! They only real seem to have moved on from being parents kinda thing since they retired

Welcome Wbeezer! I think teens and young adults consume so much of our physical & emotional energy and we are so embedded in the patterns and routines of parenting & family life, that it can be quite a shock when all of a sudden they move on to university and - after a few days of feeling like you have been run over by a truck - you suddenly look up and think "right, who am I now, what do I (or we) want to do with the last bit of active life we (hopefully!) have left?

Can i join this thread please? I have an 18 year old and a 15 year old and feel at a very weird place in my life now that I’m not needed in the same way. My dc are both still at home but I just seem to have so much time that I never used to have and watching hours of rubbish tv to fill the gap just isn’t making me feel great!

My son is 18 and going through the worst time ever, so consequently so am I. I'm 60 ( have a younger teen too) and do not see the pressure lifting any time soon. Friends who have kids in uni have not quite found freedom - the kids return on some weekends and holidays and of course always seem to need a bit of cash! One went through quite a depression recently and I think joining the job market upon graduation is a tough transition.
I have plans and can implement them soon (starting my own business which has gone on the back burner this past year for various reasons). My parents passed away years ago so I do not have that concern.
I'm also a widow so it's just me - in fact I'm happy my daughter has decided she will live at home for the first year after A levels.

I’m in!

Looking at college courses to retrain and get back to full time work - currently work term time only but the extra cash and none school hoilidays are calling.

DDs are 16 and 13, and I don't recognise not knowing what to do with myself. I've never stopped having hobbies and stuff I'm interested in at any time while being a parent.

Definitely ScarlettDarling you are very welcome! We sometimes just need a bit of a push from others to give ourselves permission to move on. There is so much out there to do!

Yes vickyc90 work is obviously a huge part of moving forward. Personally I am hoping to ditch my unfulfilling pt role and build up a small business of my own.

This is the thread for me. DCs are 15 and 17. I see light at the end of the parenting tunnel..
I love my DCs and will miss them terribly. But I don't want to be mourning over an empty nest.

I'm looking for a hobby where I can get fit and make friends and I'm in the process of starting a business. I want to have a 'life' to take over the DC leaving home.

Morning, I am here with my name change (am a frequent namechanger after having the pleasure of being quoted in the Daily Fail about a decade ago ).

I find the balance between life (mine) and parenting a teen tricky. DD has one parent who only sees her when it suits him, sometimes going for three weeks between weekend visits because his life is so busy 😵‍💫.

It is really important to me that she has one available parent which means I don't do as much as I could do, but I am gently building a life outside work/home.

Yep. Several young adults who live at home either full-time or the majority of the time. By this summer they will all be over 18.

We have bought a campervan and just got back from (hopefully the first of many) weekends away for just the two of us. After more than 20 years of prioritising the children's needs and demands, it is lovely to be able to have short breaks with the freedom and time to do what we want.

We haven't forgotten the offspring completely; we have invited them to accompany us on a couple of weekend trips, and they are also invited for a holiday in a cottage this summer (booked before we decided to buy the campervan).

I want to join - youngest is 12 so getting more and more glimpses of this. It’s mindset isn’t it and making sure that we don’t feel guilty for investing in ourselves.

We are getting past the initial stage now of this, thanks to the pandemic and marriage breakdowns in an unusual way potentially but I'm here to say GO FOR IT!

Our family blended 2 years ago as young adults, all live elsewhere in term time and given complete choice of where to base themselves in holidays, one of his and one of mine chose us. We eat as a family when home but go off and do our own thing much of the time, perhaps easier because it's a blended situation, I don't know. I work pt and have a great relationship with dsd when she's home, she's very chatty and seeks my advice which is lovely but we ensure they are developing full independence, all are over 21 now!

We have a hobby that is good for getting us out and away regularly, plus both of us are into live music, the kids join us when home often (aka follow the wallets for the booze!)

Me too Rosehugger I've always been overwhelmed with things to do, but I think it can be quite a challenging mental transition to make, from focusing on the needs of others, to finally focusing on yourself.

It took me a while to adapt when the first left home (I was still married then and we had grown apart so I was pretty lonely) but once I split amicably from exh I found my mojo, life is good, you need to allow yourself to be you, not just mum. I have moved 140 miles away 2 years ago so it does help that all the people I have met since are my friends and nothing to do with the kids

My youngest is 12 so not quite a teen. But after divorce and also the fact that my oldest is 22 means that I have time, mental energy and available childcare (not that the 12yo wants to be minded) to do my own thing a little. I have a 6 year plan for when youngest leaves for Uni when I’m going to travel the United States (I’ve always wanted to and by that point the grown up kids may want to come with me. Two of my SILs have already declared that they are coming ]) in the meantime I’m doing part time art and craft courses and really enjoying life!

Hi, I would like to join. Kids are nearly 15 and 12. Have been self-employed for many years for logistical reasons. I've really realised how much my world has shrunk recently, I started a thread about it a few weeks ago.

I'm trying to get into voiceover work at the moment, I've just had a reel recorded so quite excited about that. I think the key is making plans, otherwise its all chores with the odd bit of relaxing telly watching.

Sounds great Seema1234 & Threetulips!

I'm a single mum with oldest at university and youngest in the last year of school. So I'll soon be on my own most of the time. Over the last couple of years I've made the conscious move away from everything being focused on the DCs - should have done it earlier. But I'm not good at getting out there and trying to socialise. I have started a new and engrossing money-making hobby, which fills up most of my spare time - but it's not something you do with other people.

I have a 17 year old DS and 15 year old DD, in years 12 and 10 respectively. I’m currently struggling a little bit with stepping back and letting DS get on with his life. I’m actually wishing they were little again as the things they did then didn’t have the potential to mess up their future. DS is totally in love with his girlfriend and everything else seems to have faded into insignificance. I don’t know how to keep him on track with A’levels, future and so on while respecting the fact he’s 17 and it’s his life.
So I’m currently not feeling like I can get on with my life but I know I need to as nothing I say makes any difference anyway! DS thinks knows best.

I'm 60 with a 19 and 20 yr old both at uni.
I've reduced my working hours to part time to try and prepare for full retirement. I love having more time but am a bit lost, can never decide whether I want structure or to lounge about. I do need more of a plan but having had a stressful job for so long am a bit plan resistant.

I'll join you in 10 years time! FWIW I have plans then to reduce work to part time and do a MA in central London so I can eat out on college nights and waft around the library...

Thank you for the encouragement gogohm! Your set up sounds like the perfect balance!

That's exactly it KnowButNeedU2TellMeAsItIs! Mindset is all! We are out of practice at prioritising our own needs and it can feel quite alien at first.

And I don't think this transition is as quite as straightforward as it might have been in the past now that:

• young adult DC are returning home from uni and first jobs to live at home for much longer than previously, thanks to the housing market, and they may continue do so intermittently for quite a while
• the pandemic has resulted in our teens deferring or altering study plans and in some cases has hindered their march to independence in emotional or practical ways
• we are expected nowadays to parent more intensively and for longer
• some of us may have had our DC later and have caring responsibilities for elderly parents on top of parenting teens & young adults
• teens being "younger" and less independent for the above reasons leads to us needing to work for longer and we end up being tied down in "provider + emotional support" roles for longer.

Given all of the of the above, I think it is even more important that we prioritise our own plans and projects, otherwise we can get pulled back down in to the parenting mire for the best part of another decade (trust me I am seeing this happen right now among various family members and friends!) and not only can this be too much for us, it does our young adult offspring absolutely no good at all!

Teens can be quite demanding in terms of what they expect from parents nowadays (much more so than when I was a teen back in the early 80s anyway) and in order to preserve our own sanity and sense of self, I think it is really important that we are proactive with our own lives and not just reactive to theirs.

As NotesOnMyScandal has said, the balance is tricky, because we haven't got hearts of stone and fundamentally, we are probably still only as happy as our unhappiest child!

Octopus37 go for it! . This thread is definitely for you!

ukborn I think so many of us can identify with your post and it is representative of so many households with teens & young adults and attendant circumstances!

Faircastle sounds like you have got a good balance going there too!

My DC are slightly younger than a lot of other posters, 15 and 14 but I was on the other thread and want to join this one because I feel like I've been a Mum forever and have lost my motivation.

This morning I'm sitting with DD1 while she does schoolwork. Yes it's the Easter holidays and yes she's old enough to work by herself but the truth is that she has done fuck all not very much over the past year and may now have to repeat the year. We aren't in the UK and repeating the year can and does happen. I'm not happy about having to take this approach, but I have tried nagging/not nagging/turning off the WIFI/offering help/trusting her to get on with it and nothing has worked, so now I'm sitting on my computer working (with MN breaks!) while she does homework.

Wailywailywaily that's impressive having plans for six years hence. I think we can all learn from that!