Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

[Calafsidentity]

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

Granwyn - I think you have hit upon a really important point. After so many years of pushing our own needs to the back of the queue it can be hard to actually know what those needs are anymore. Great advice from Calaf already re small steps etc.

I read a coaching book once that invited me to imagine and then write about my perfect day. Where would I be? What would I be doing? Who would I be with? What would I be wearing? Etc. The more detailed the better. The idea was that the clues for what I really wanted were there in what I wrote. Once you know what you want you can start creating it. It worked to an extent.

I also think that retracing our steps back to the person we were pre children can be helpful. What did you used to love doing when your time was your own? What gave your life meaning? When you were at your happiest, what were you doing? Etc. Basically it's being as endlessly curious about yourself as you have been about your children over the years. The answers will be within you if you ask the right questions and listen carefully to the answers.

Time to have a long 'chat' with yourself and be your own sounding board maybe?

Yes I actually made him drive to tbe doctors with the L plates on early so I was only 10 minites late for my meeting. But I did finish work at 4:15 to collect them from the train, take Dd to riding get home at 5:50 to start cooking. Literally sat down 30 minutes ago, I have been up since 5:45 and have only put in a short working day. I have to say I did go for a 30 minutes run at 7:15 this morning before starting work.

And had what I wanted for lunch (couscous salad with tomatos, celery, red onion chick peas, feta and seeds if anyone is imterested) but cooked a "family dinner" when I would quite happily had an easter egg and a cup of tea.

🤣. I’d have an Easter egg too if there were any left. Both of mine are at matches/practices right now and DH is watching DD’s match…so I’m alone for a blissful hour. Unfortunately, I have work to do.

am not saying that men don't have other stresses too but we need to learn from them in terms of their hobbies and their, to a degree, their ability to be selfish, strange though that sounds..

I think part of my problem is that DH has no hobbies or friends. He never goes out unless the odd day in the office, his Mum's, or his turn to get the groceries. At least pre- pandemic he was in the office 5 times a week. I've realised that because he really doesn't really like going out, over the years I've lost touch with all my friends and now only have the odd acquaintance - no-one I could go to the theatre, or cinema etc with.
Not sure how to fix that in my mid-50s.

Dh works 5 days a week, sometimes also in the evenings. He travels abroad for work too.

He has hobbies, attends a couple of sporting events when in season.

He just doesn't think about our home/schooling/shopping/planning holidays and special events etc etc...because he's never had to I guess.

To be fair to him he's always been supportive of my pt work/voluntary work/studying.

But he fundamentally just works and does his hobbies.

Must be nice :(

I've stepped back massively since last summer. I ask him to help far more than I used to...with mixed results!!!! 😬

Oh OP I've just read your OP on the first thread.
I met up with my SIL 2 weeks ago and we had EXACTLY this conversation.
In fact the very fact that we went out for a meal without the kids was indicative of starting to do things we want.

Mine are 19, 17 and 14 and I am really done with parenting especialy after the last 2 -3 years.

But I made a massive step forward. I do quite lot of voluntary work, some of it quite specialised. I ran a weekend as a volunteer. The people hosting it asked if we could put date sin the dairy for 2 similar weekends next year. I took a deep breath and said yes, but not as a volunteer, paid. Then I suggested an amount. They didn't blink an eye and said yes!

I love that particular role and now I am wondering if I can do more of it paid.

I work part time, but do lots of voluntary stuff. I love the voluntary stuff, but I am starting to want to be more selfish.
And want to have some money.

But I still spend far too many hours in the week doing Mum stuff.

Oh reading the first thread.

yes to running away to Bali, and living in a lighthouse, or a caravan on a cliff and waking up looking at the sea. Yes to being done with family life, and my youngest getting a slack version of mothering.
helicopter driving assasin 😂

My youngets needs lots of emotional support, I am actually terrified that she won't leave home at 18. How mean is that.

keep telling dh I want a VW camper van and to take off for weekends. he thinks I am nuts

I have two DS’s 15 and 11. DH and I have been discussing about what we want for our futures. We’re starting to see and feel the light at the end of our parenting journey. Kids are happy and doing well. We’re both in secure jobs. Not at all flexible but hey, you can’t have everything. No need to be there for the school run anymore. Kids happy and confident to spend time alone at home in the day. No GP’s I’m afraid and no support.
We’re trying to decide when we can go on holiday on our own. Abroad or uk. How many more years. Eldest not keen to caravan with us anymore as he has a girlfriend and friends at home. Both want to go to uni. I’m 45 now and recently joined Womens cricket team. Great fun and great to meet others and exercise which does wonders for mind and body. I have evenings free to fill. We eat later. I take my time. Cook nice food we all enjoy. We got a dog in lockdown. Best decision ever and DH and I have now got to know more people locally. Ultimately we want to retire as early as possible. No elderly parents they passed away quite young unfortunately. We want to trade our 5 berth fixed bunk bed caravan for a fixed bed 2 berth and travel Europe. Eating and drinking. Kids can come and go as they please. They’ll always have bed, food love and support.

For years i dreaded the day we went away without the kids, have had so many wonderful family hols, now I feel ready? Dh and I have done the odd 1 or 2 night hotel and left kids here but I feel ready now for a full on couple holiday abroad and wondering if 2023 is the year to start. I feel strangely excited, is this just a normal part of life, to notice a change in yourself?

I think I'm the one with no hobbies, we moved areas when the eldest started secondary school, I moved to full-time work with a commute and have found it really difficult to make friends. DH worked in London so was rarely home before 8pm so difficult to do evening things. I'm really making an effort now but it's challenging in my late 50s, most people my age have friendship groups set up and I seem to have lost confidence.

Dd has left. Much panic about stuff before she went but she's gone and the house is quiet.

Cuppa in peace

There’s a few groups - one is called Spice which are friendship groups - covers all bases walks, pubs, theatre, weekends away etc they organise X and you join in if you want to. Lots on each month. Worth exploring. My sister joined and hasn’t been home much since.

Is that for uni or for good @AchillesPoirot ?

My eldest has only been home from uni for 2 days and goes back tomorrow and it's been complete chaos. DD has yet another set of mocks for her A levels at the moment so times have been fraught 😉Enjoy your cuppa!

Back to uni @Seeline

I'm in a similar situation. Three DC, eldest 17, year 13 - so a levels around the corner. I've always suspected ASD, more so in recent years, he's always angry, terrible language, knows everything, has recently got a girlfriend. I'm so worried that he's going to mess up his a levels.
Middle 15, she's my calm child. Usually happy and no issues.
Youngest 13 has ASD has always been tricky, living on a sword edge and not knowing what mood she'll be in.

I also realise that there are lists of things that I wnat to do.
sewing/craft projects, redecorating projects, working on a longuage projects, gardening projects.

I don't actually make any progress with any of them.
When I have free time I sort of veg out. Often on mn or youtube.
I have come to realise that first I need space to re-charge and get my head back, then I can work on the porjects.
Over tha lst 2 years, there has been so little head space. Dd2 has needed so much support. I used to get time at home alone, when dh was working away and kids at school. He just doesn't get away any more, due to Covid, and there have been far too many days when dd2 is home, or school holidays.

I'd like everyone to leave please.

But I am actually quite concerned that we will end up suporting dd2 long term, and I am not sure I can cope with that. That sounds so mean and selfish, i feel guilty even writing it down. 😞

Oh, I hear you!...

Ds1 only gets 12 hours f2f teaching at university per week. The rest of the time he's here in the study (working very hard tbf)

Ds2 seems to have had so many school holidays lately...he's only got 4 weeks 4 days until his next week off! :)

Dh is usually at work or in his shed but they all seem to be home all the time 😬

Argh

I have found I have had to be fairly ruthless in my intentions to manage even quite minor practical changes. And certain people's reactions to the changes have to be "managed" too!

I think this is were I may be falling down - I do seem to be waiting for permission/support/encouragement (stuff everyone else gets from me) to go ahead with things rather than just holding firm.

I wonder if years and years of interruptions have taken a toll certrainly of the hobbies I've started last few years the ones I got furthest with are ones I can mange with erratic interuptions.

But thank you @PadamPadam and @Calafsidentity as you have got me thinking - I do have long term plans and need to start work on the intermediate steps and I think of what's stopping me is plain old confidence.

I realised how much emotional support I'm still provding and how much time they still take up. I also realised the examples I have in front of me for moving on from motherhood are dire - even MIL the most social for example hobbies are actually all FIL she tags along with.

I actually like having DC around and have enjoyed motherhood but clearly the children are going to move on and I do need to prepare for that and think much more about me.

Can I join?

orangesandlemons77 my two are 17 and 14 and life seemed easier when it was planning a trip to the park too

17 yr old is thinking about university and all the trauma that involves

DS is just thinking about GCSEs

Stressful few years just passed with the pandemic, home schooling and the like (including GCSEs for eldest)

Elderly parents on the horizon

No wonder I want to run away

Seems as if there are many of us feeling /experiencing the same

My family’s on a similar timeline, @everythingisgoingup DD(17) planning to apply to university and has so much going on; DS (14 later this year) having teenage angst and both needing alot of emotional and practical support. Plus the elderly parents. I love parenthood, no regrets at all, but the teenage years are full-on.😂

Had first holiday with just DH for 20 years in January and it was bliss. I love cooking for just the 2 of us. I often cook for 4 so have a good stash of meals in the freezer for the days I work. It's so lovely having a walk on our own before dinner - 4k round trip to a pub.
I've watched a TV series with DH too! This is a first for us - we are not big tv watchers.
I can go to the gym whenever I like for as long as I like now that not having to rush back to sort DC in some way or other.
What I like especially is the lack of hanging about waiting for the DC. "I'm literally coming downstairs" - no you are still in your bloody pyjamas! "I'm just getting out of the bath" - well you do what you like but we are eating our dinner while it's hot.
With DH - ready? Yes and out the door.
DC2 coming on holiday with us in July -vastly more for 3 than for 2 I may add! - and I have given due warning that I'm not going to be waiting around on farting about with clothes and make up and she'll just have to catch us up

It's an absolute joy just being with DH after all these years

I haven’t had time to return since this thread was started. Lots of us at this phase.

I think I’m ok at carving out what I want to do, I enjoy my job, lots of responsibility and stress but I enjoy it all the same. I’m also doing a masters part time alongside my full time job. Love going to the gym/swimming and playing golf, pottering around my garden and doing things at home.

The thing I really struggle with is leaving an only child home alone all the time.

Her friends aren’t massively sociable, apart from on their phones! Physical meet ups happen about five times a year 😬, which means she is always alone when I go out.

Her father is a bit flaky and contact isn’t consistent. So, I think that’s the problem for me, I don’t like going out too much after being at work, basically because she hasn’t got anyone else to be with.

I’m fairly sociable but when my golf/gym pals go out for lunch or a drink I struggle to accept because my teen is home alone the three times a week when I go to the gym plus one afternoon at golf a week.

I’m not sure there’s an answer for my situation really unless DD gets a new set of friends!