Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

[Calafsidentity]

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

I think many of us are the so called "sandwich" generation...and with lots of older people now living (if you can call it living) til their 90s we will be in our 60s before we are "free" :(

I'm still caring for kids, and an elderly frail parent. My mum has many health issues but her sisters all lived to late 80s 90s with similar so....I've thought more than once she'll probably outlive me :(

My dh knows I'm not going to get involved with any future care needs for pils (he has a sister whereas despite having siblings I'm doing it alone...)

My 40s have been a train wreck tbh.
Multiple bereavements, emergency surgeries, health issues, peri menopause...I am hoping my 50s are, if not better, at least less grim.

Home from work tonight and drove Dd to her club was a beautiful evening and would have really liked to go for a long run whilst she did her thing. So next week instead of coming home to eat with DH I am going to have a sandwich at work at 5pm then run between 7 and 9.

Great plan!
It is doing things like this which beging to help us get back to who WE are.

Had a great moment last night. I play in a brass band with dd1. I do it really for her. Last night the band leader asked if I was interested in switching to a new instrument. I LOVE the one he suggested and have always wanted to play it. It was a moment when I thought YES I'm going to do this for me, and when dd1 heads off to uni, I will continue in band, for ME.

@CarryonCovid That's the right attitude! We get so used to making decisions based on what suits everyone else that we forget to do things for ourselves. If we have sone downtime, we’re probably better parents anyway.

Ooh. Both my DCs will be away at uni in Sept (both for 3 years as the eldest is re-starting).
i work p:t, mainly from
home & I am thinking am
i going to be totally bored out of my skull? Dd is already living 200 miles away and ds is very independent already although both like me to be available emotionally (usually at the most awkward times!).
I have already said to DH we’ll have to take up new hobbies. I’m going to find a new book group as mine is defunct, maybe I’ll do some volunteering as well if I can find something local & suitable.
i have friends so usually out1-2 nights a week, or I meet for brunch on a weekend but it’s not enough. Dh has his football one night a week and occasionally goes to matches. I have no interest l!
We def want to travel more either abroad or in UK so that’s another ‘activity’.
if anyone can think of more hobby-type things it’d be great. I can’t sing at all, so a choir is out - I can bake but I get too fat eating my wares!!

@JustDanceAddict book club sounds good. Have you got any craft like or other sporty activities that you think you might enjoy?

Have my Dad staying with us at the moment, its hard, he goes back on Wednesday, not that I'm counting or anything. He expects me to wait on him, its what he expects cause he has daughters. Makes me wish I was a boy lol.

I’m really not crafty or sporty, I could prob stretch to something like badminton!
A mum I know runs a walking group but I see that as more as a retirement thing so I’ll bear that in mind for the future.
it’s more the next 10 years I’m thinking about, I think 60+ will be ok as there’s more scope for that age group - U3A etc. I would like to better myself intellectually but for the sake of it, no assessed learning please!!

My DD is off to uni in September, she's been working this year so quite independent although she still needs stuff. I've realised how small my life has become though partly as a result of trying to keep my business going through Covid with no financial support, but mainly because of looking after my DM who refuses to get carers in. I've realised that I can't pick up everything because of her choices, and that going round there every weekend for three years (plus the medical appointments and emergencies in-between) has meant I've lost touch with people and rarely do anything enjoyable for myself. I'm also facing illness, I think partly because of the stress I've been under.

I also feel not quite sure what to do, too old / injured now to do some of the things I used to but too young as a PP days for the activities aimed at retirement. I do exercise (gym and yoga) but haven't found that a good way to make friends. I also need to spend less so I don't have to work as much. I used to be so sociable, we had parties and constant visitors, but that's all stopped. I didn't expect this period of my life to be so hard.

People round here have set up a group for supporting Ukrainian refugees. Some are offering a room in their home, other are offering transport, support with form filling, helping them improve their English, childcare, etc. This could be something to get involved in?

Can I join please. DS 19 and DD 17. Find myself getting more and more resentful of all the tiny things I do for them that build up to be actually quite a mountain and take over my life. I like the way people are talking about it as 20 years service and really hope I can change my mindset from one of being worn down by it to one of taking the time back for myself.

I'm finding my new money-making hobby/work really helpful. It's the kind of thing you can work on for as many hours as you have, and it's a huge learning curve - very challenging. And there's a lot going on online with other enthusiasts. I feel that my brain has expanded since I started doing it, and I have lots of new skills now. The fact that you can make a bit of money from it makes it easier to justify spending time on it. I also went self-employed in a new kind of work when I was made redundant a few years ago and took the opportunity to move to a nicer part of the country. So again - lots of new challenges to get my head round, the freedom that self-employment brings and new places to discover. So in a sense life has felt pretty adventurous for the past few years. If you can afford the likely drop in income, maybe this is a possible time to start doing something totally new? Or to move to somewhere nicer, if you don't like where you are now? As the children leave home, it's much easier to move and to choose the kind of place to live that suits you. There are obviously disadvantages to all this, though.

This thread shows something I've always believed in - that we shouldn't be putting ourselves at the bottom of the barrel through out the whole of a child's life. It's okay not to do that, it's okay to put your needs and wants at the top of the list occasionally.

I don't think the modern trend to give your children everything and do everything for them does anyone any favours.

Delighted to find this thread, eldest about to leave for Uni fingers crossed and I feel a change coming . not good .. not bad .. just change and I've been giving it a lot of thought and very glad to find others in the same position.

Apologies, RL has got in the way of me getting back to this thread. Just catching up now and wanted to say that Calculathor should definitely be named "thread ambassador" as her posts are very inspiring! 🙂

And I agree CrowAndArrow that it's good for our DC to see their parents pursuing their own interests occasionally.

As a child of the 70s, me and my siblings used to happily sit in the car for miles and miles with my dad to look at Roman forts on windswept hills most weekends. Not much happened tbh, we would drive on motorways, look at a pile of grey rocks in beautiful countryside, usually in the pouring rain , and were lucky if we were bought a 99 ice cream from the Mr Whippy van! We didn't really question it, we just thought it was a normal thing to do and it kept us out of mischief! But the point was that apart from odd trips to the zoo and UK beach holidays, we accompanied our parents to carry out their interests, not the other way around, and I don't think it was altogether a bad thing.

Sorry, I keep getting the Mumsnet "Oops" black page when I try and write on here, it's really odd, so sorry if my posts come across as a bit disjointed! Is this something to do with the relaunch?

I think this is what worries me - as my DMum ended up very angry and bitter at us in late teens we often had no idea why she was annoyed or no power to change it and I think it did damage our relationship with both parents.

She was also facing at same time increasing demands for care from DGP. She did in end get some boundries in limiting visits getting carers in and eventually care home whcih she ended up sorting for all three that needed them - but it did take over their lives and lead to their ill health.

Odd thing was they were very like my chidlren's grandparents little help with grandchildren - other GC being much more favoured - and yet it was my parents who did everything.

DH Uncle looked after DH GPs and ended up giving up work and social life ended up being 20 years of looking after them and then pretty much having a break down when last one died.

So I think skills and mindset I need to develop to carve out time and resources for me and work out my aims and long term plans may well prove vital in putting in reasonable bounderies with parents - as from what I see if very much a boiled frog situation if you don't.

I think this is what worries me - as my DMum ended up very angry and bitter at us in late teens we often had no idea why she was annoyed or no power to change it and I think it did damage our relationship with both parents.

Gwanwyn funnily enough we had exactly the same experience. My mother became very angry and resentful and we didn't really know why and it damaged our relationship too. Of course, I am much more understanding of her NOW and much more sympathetic to her, but it took until my mid-fifties to feel that way.

stormsurfer without wishing to sound too "poor me" I can also very much identify with being on the other side of this and feeling resentment at all the things I have done and still do for everyone else , particularly when it's not particularly valued, recognised or acknowledged. Or only noticed when it's not done! And you do get worn down by it! That's perfectly natural I think!

Hopefully, this thread can act as a bit of a catalyst to get us out from under the burden of "facilitation" for others, pursuing our own interests, before we become too resentful and cross to the extent that it hurts our DC. It would be ironic that wouldn't it, in doing so much for our DC, we actually inadvertently cause them damage?

Yes @Calafsidentity you put that very well. By actively focussing on facilitating their independence and reducing their reliance on me, by gradually increasing boundaries, I will help them and myself too!

I don't really know why, but I do find boundaries tricky and maybe need to learn from others how to do that and what things to start with first.

The almost complete lack of reciprocity is really beginning to get to me, I must say. I'm starting to say no to things...

My kids are grateful, generally

My mother....not so much! 😬

As a child of the 70s, me and my siblings used to happily sit in the car for miles and miles with my dad to look at Roman forts on windswept hills most weekends

@Calafsidentity 🤣. This was my experience as well, I was envious of children who went to adventure parks and on child-focused holidays, we always went to see historical sights and monuments, and the occasional trip to the seaside if the weather cooperated. I’ve tried to balance it more for my kids, we do the water parks/rides and have been to a couple of resorts on holiday-but I can’t resist the historical trips either. I think my parents hard-wired it into me.😂

Lone parent to DS2 (13) and DS1 (23) at uni.

Ds2 has been happy being home alone increasingly in the last couple of years.

He's now ok with me being out all evening, sorting his dinner, tidying up (work in progress) and taking himself to bed.

I don't do that often, but what I am really enjoying is going to a sports club once or twice a week in the evening.

Welcome doubleshotcappuccino and all newcomers to the thread! I can't keep up and respond to everyone's posts but it is hugely inspiring and interesting reading them all!

Cameleongirl yes I still love trips with a historical bent! Agree that it never leaves you 😂

SierraSapphire I am sorry things are tough going ATM and you are dealing with ill health too, which seems so unfair when you are doing so much for others. I hope you manage to find some new interests you enjoy and some like-minded friends💐

Agree also that we are of the age where we're too young for retirement activities but some of us are a bit too old to join clubs where one is required to be at the peak of physical fitness! 😄Is this where the WI comes in I wonder? 🤔

I also appreciate how hard it must be for some of you balancing your work, home and parenting lives with that of caring for elderly parents. How you manage this, I really don't know!

Hope you get to do your solo run next week CarryonCovid and enjoy your new instrument steppemum.

JustDanceAddict painting (water colours, oils?) , pottery, archery, tennis, horse-racing, volunteering at an animal rescue centre, rug-making, stich & bitch, quilting, patchwork, dolls house/miniaturist activities, animation, jewellery-making, foraging, millinery, working your way through local courses at a Woodland Trust or Field Studies Centre?
^^ These are just a few activities that are available in the area near where my family are based!