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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

392 replies

Calafsidentity · 18/04/2022 08:50

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

OP posts:

AchillesPoirot · 19/04/2022 07:01

Can I join?

My youngest is 20 and at uni but home frequently and i barely get used to her being away until she’s back.

Original poster

Calafsidentity · 19/04/2022 07:06

You're very welcome AchillesPoirot that's a familiar scenario.

OP posts:

velvet24 · 19/04/2022 07:19

I was in the supermarket yesterday and when I got back, I realised I had bought all the food everyone else likes not me? Its like I'm trying to keep my whole household happy and then forget there's me in there somewhere?

AchillesPoirot · 19/04/2022 07:20

Mine comes home with no notice worth a damn. And goes “why isn’t there any of my ”

Because I don’t like it, don’t eat it. It’s perishable and you didn’t tell me you were coming home.

FrancescaContini · 19/04/2022 07:50

Back to school here and by 7.30 we’d had:

Mum, my shirt’s too small!
Mum, have we got any paracetamol?
Mum, where’s my (Eng lit book)?
Mum, what time is it? What?? Why didn’t you tell me it’s so late?
Mum, can you pick me up from so-and-so’s house at 9pm?
Mum, can you put some money on my lunch account?
Mum, I don’t like these crisps! Why did you get them?

As well as food spilled down a newly washed blazer.

MadameTuffington2 · 19/04/2022 08:01

Oh what a superb thread! I am single Mum to DS24, DD20 and DD15 - the last 5 years have been absolutely exhausting and wonderful in equal measure - I’ve dealt with a Section, a trial, prison, straight As and a Law Degree and everything in between (my kids) - the older two are very much on their way but still not without concerns and the younger one navigating GCSE and post pandemic MH issues. I work long hours in a job I love and plan to travel much more both alone and with DC - my next trip will be to a monastery in the Spanish mountains where I plan to be at one with nature and eat lots of amazing food. I am fortunately fit & healthy and have absolutely no intention of seeking a man (although DS24 thinks I should!).

Happy adventures ladies 😎

NoraLuka · 19/04/2022 09:45

@velvet24 totally recognise that feeling! I've started buying things that I like even if nobody else does. Meal prep and grocery shopping are the chores that I most want to offload tbh. There are 4 of us in this house and I often end up making 4 different versions of the same meal otherwise they'll just look at it and most of it will end up in the bin, then they'll raid the fridge later. DP is oblivious "I'm not fussy, I eat everything you make". Well yes... That will be because I only make meals that you eat [facepalm]

I actually quite like cooking, it's the relentless day to dayness of it.

ssd · 19/04/2022 09:48

Ah finally, a thread i can relate to

ssd · 19/04/2022 09:57

@Calafsidentity

Me too Rosehugger I've always been overwhelmed with things to do, but I think it can be quite a challenging mental transition to make, from focusing on the needs of others, to finally focusing on yourself.

I'm struggling with this. I looked after my mum and my kids and now mums gone and the kids are grown and im trying to be great and fill the gaps but i still go round asda buying everything for everyone else . Ive spent so long shopping and cooking for others i couldn't tell you what i like to eat now. Well i can tell you, the answer is..anything I've not had yo cook myself.

Its difficult if you've never had any help or babysitting or a career to build up. I've always worked part time around the kids and mum. And I'm still part time as I'm knackered.

I dream of a camper van.

Seeline · 19/04/2022 10:03

@velvet24

Oh I recognise this!

I used to have my favourites for lunch, but since the pandemic and DH WFH most of the time I don't even do that. I also have a very fussy 17yo, who has recently gone gluten free so trying to cook for her has reduced our range of meals even further. DH is one of those who wouldn't consider a hearty bowl of soup or an omelette as 'dinner' so I always have to think up evening meals - it's such a chore.

ssd · 19/04/2022 10:05

@Lowther. How lovely you all ended up having a coffee together, bet it was a good chat.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 19/04/2022 10:12

Hello, coming out of lurking, can I join?
I have three, aged 26, 23 and just 18. The eldest and youngest live at home and will both (hopefully, depending on Uni) be off this summer.
I have loved being a mum to my three. I will miss them so much. I’m really glad they’re finding their own way and have always encouraged that,- but worried that DH and I will ‘rattle around’ in our 4 bed.
Also DH is really good at filling his time,- cycling, writing, reading. I have the attention span of a gnat.
I need a project,- anyone thinking of moving? I think we will definitely keep things as they are for youngest first year at uni but maybe after that? I’d love to hear how it’s working for others.

ssd · 19/04/2022 10:34

@velvet24

Oh god i think i wrote the exact same thing

AchillesPoirot · 19/04/2022 10:37

I find it strange to suit myself for food too. I also struggle to shop just for one person.

ssd · 19/04/2022 10:38

Brilliant thread @Calafsidentity

Lowther · 19/04/2022 12:33

@ssd Yes! We all work in various fields of education so shared experiences. I did feel a little guilty not going straight home at first but know that I have to do this more often and the 16 almost 17 is just fine on her own for a few hours at home.😌
It was nice that she missed me ( a little) and saw me more than just Mum. I am going to miss her loads, if/when she goes to uni but I'm doing this for both of us because I know she worries about me not doing much without her. Her dad is always at work but is thinking of retiring soon. That's something else I will have to contend with 🤔

TammyOne · 19/04/2022 17:06

Checking in to the lovely new thread!
I'm mid 40s, with mid teens..stressful full time job...and not much else right now!
I'm looking forward to hearing all your plans/ideas for a more interesting next few years..

velvet24 · 19/04/2022 18:17

I actually am not sure what food I do like . how weird? I bought some rhubarb trifles for puddings and once home realised I hate rhubarb, its for the others? I seem to be constantly thinking of what food they need and like but me? don't know?

I know I like wine ha ha

BuwchGochGota · 19/04/2022 18:55

@Calafsidentity the balance of power is a tricky one, isn't it? Anyone who saw us as a family would probably think that I held most of the power as I'm pretty assertive and am the higher earner. But things like meals and TV all revolve around what the others want. DH outright won't eat if I cook something he doesn't like. The DC are less rude, but will grumble at times that they don't like things. So I go for the easy wins and cook the family favourites on repeat, when they aren't necessarily what I would choose. Same with TV - if I put my programmes on on the TV downstairs in the evening DH would moan, so I watch on the laptop upstairs.

There is something definitely wrong here and I'm not sure how to fix it to be honest.

Blimeyherewegoagain · 19/04/2022 19:10

We have 2 at university. They have been extremely lucky to have holidayed all over the world with us as children. We’ve told them that foreign holidays are for DH and myself only from now on and both are happy with this. Also we’re likely to be booking stuff during the cheaper time of year anyway.
We’ve booked a cottage in the uk with enough bedrooms for them to join us if they want to - last year one visited for a day and the other didn’t come at all.
During the holidays they do their own washing /bed changing etc. I’m happy to cook for them if they’re around and it’s something they like. Otherwise they fend for themselves.
Lifts are given only if it fits around what I’m doing, otherwise they can get the bus, find a mate who will take them etc.

PadamPadam · 19/04/2022 19:16

I also cook several versions of some meals so everyone is happy. Tis madness. I like Thai food and veggie good but get so many complaints if I offer up meat free dishes I've given up.

Calif - re: TV and films, do you ever take yourself off for an arty film at the cinema? I occasionally go to things like an NT Live showing on my own and really enjoy it. Feels quite empowering to go alone and be ok with that.

I'm striking out on Thursday. Am having a day trip to London to do a few art galleries with my single friend who is doing an art degree. In order to get my day release I have had to plan meals for them all and Make sure boys activities ( they can't drive yet) and dog walking is covered. When my husband went away for a 4 night boys trip recently I am pretty sure he will have just assumed I had it all covered and gone. That mental freedom is what I want. To just leave the house and assume everyone can sort themselves out must be bliss. I still feel like I'm everyone's safety net. This might be my fault and something I just need to let go of. Not sure...

Anyway at least I'm having a day off...looking forward to the luxury of a long train journey without anyone I share a surname with ...can't wait!

Faircastle · 19/04/2022 19:27

17yo: (patronisingly): "I appreciate the effort you put into preparing meals, but there's a line between normal food and abnormal food. Putting dried apricots into a salad is not normal."

The only reason I added the fucking apricots is that the 17yo asked me to buy them, then didn't eat them, so they needed using up. I hate dried fruit.

And this was 5 minutes after I had to listen to a lecture on the approved ratio of black beans to rice in a burrito, which I had apparently failed to adhere to.

Faircastle · 19/04/2022 19:30

Apologies for the rant, this is supposed to be a positive thread. Like a PP, I have also joined a choir, and am hoping to go on a tour with them next year!

Ohquietone · 19/04/2022 19:54

This is so refreshing to read. I’m doubtful 2/3 will leave home (two are autistic and youngest has learning difficulties) but I do feel that all my needs have been driven to the bottom of the pile and I’m barely the person I was five years ago. Husband very much does what suits him and doesn’t seem to carry the mental load about that I do. I feel a bit helpless that I’ve somehow lost the person I was and I’m not quite sure how I go about finding her again.

CarryonCovid · 19/04/2022 19:58

Can I join please ? Ds is 18, Dd 15 I have just had a whacking promotion, strpping away from a "fit round the kids" job.

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