When did you stop checking your teens phone?

[Picklesndcheese]

Just that really! I stopped checking DDs phone when she turned 16. Wondering if that was too soon now? It felt invasive to carry on although tbh it had scaled back a lot over the years. She got her phone at 11.

She is very secretive about her phone so not sure if I should be worried! What do others do?

I should add we have generally a good relationship.

As others, have said, this is not just about whether you trust your child - FWIW I do trust my kids to generally behave well and mostly be honest - though I also realise that they're kids, so of course they're not going to tell me everything honestly about their lives all the time. It's not even just about whether you trust their friends. It's also about whether you want them to be exposed to the vast amount of unpleasant content online without checks, and whether you think that at age 13 or whatever they're totally able to handle a potential online bullying or grooming situation and would always recognise it for what it is and report it to you or to another adult.

For example - my son asked if he could look at a TikTok video that a friend sent him (he knows I don't usually allow TT). I said I'd look at it first. The video was absolutely harmless - just a football thing sent to him by a really nice friend. But just clicking on the link takes you to the TT page that the video was on. And on that one page there were lots of other videos, mainly of teenage girls stripping or twerking in their bedrooms in bras and thongs, and one 'funny' cartoon video of a man anally raping his girlfriend. All this was freely available on a device with parental filters set up. And I know that's mild compared with what I could quickly find if I actually went looking.

Now, I know that I can't prevent my kids seeing this stuff forever - it's everywhere. But I'm certainly not going to roll over and say that any attempt to monitor or control what my kids see online is either pointless or an invasion of their privacy. I'm not naive enough to think that a well brought up child is wise and resilient enough to just look the other way and resist the temptation (and the encouragement of peers) to engage with this stuff. So yes, I'll keep talking to them, but I'll also keep their filters on, and keep checking their phones from time to time (without notice, but never secretly), and I will restrict access to SM for as long as I possibly can, hopefully until they're mature enough to see it for what it is and use it judiciously.

I get it to a point.If there is any incling ( shady friends,unaccounted time etc ) ,but otherwise I don't. All you are doing is creating sneaky kids.
My partners parents were super strick and the only thing it changed was that him and his brothers sneaking out of the window,lie ,and sleep with girls not knowing basics (parent didn't have the talk as they shouldn't be having sex ).
My mum was strick but also my closest friend.The sort who would help hide the body.When I made a mistake she would explain my errors and teach me a lesson without violating my trust.
I grew up not having to hid things and knowing what was out there (in and outs of pressures,predators,sex etc by age 10 ) because my mum ws honest.She warned me to stay away from xyz and if I had any doubts to talk to her .And I did.

We had an email from school a while back - a year 7 WhatsApp group had been picked up as someone had posted a video of child rape on it.

You don’t have to be thick or gullible to be in an 11-12 year old school WhatsApp group. You can’t control what others post.

I do check occasionally, DD is fine with it.

Never checked them

@beachcitygirl

Also, for those parents who do check, you do know that teens are mostly extremely computer literate & will use private browsing & hidden WhatsApp groups & Snapchat etc as they know you'll check. Seems pointless to me. You either trust or don't. There ain't no way to 'beat' a teenager

Totally - and the more you check, the more private they become. Unless of course you have a kid that doesn’t want to hide anything from you, in which case - no point in checking. All a bit pointless really. Unless they are very young and don’t know how VPNs work.

@beachcitygirl

Also, for those parents who do check, you do know that teens are mostly extremely computer literate & will use private browsing & hidden WhatsApp groups & Snapchat etc as they know you'll check. Seems pointless to me. You either trust or don't. There ain't no way to 'beat' a teenager

I do agree with this. No problem in checking younger kids phones as they are more naive and may need guidance in navigating the Internet and social media, but by around 14/15, they're savvy. If they know you check regularly they'll just hide what they don't want you to see. I mentioned upthread a girl I know who has 2 phones, one her mum checks and one she doesn't know about.

I wasn't going to post again but several replies have misunderstood a key part of my original post.

My daughter was never secretive with her phone when we still had the occasional check together. In fact we regularly shared phones, passcodes etc.

It is only now that we agreed before she turned 16 we would no longer ask to check that she is secretive with it. For example doesn't leave it lying around anymore or let her brother borrow it which she used to do. This is fine of course but I was worried about it especially in light of the school email this week. Hence my OP.

I hope that clears that misunderstanding up!

@Divebar2021

A mobile phone is not a diary it is a portal to your child. It is the way sleaze bags and manipulators reach them. It is a tool for blackmail, humiliation and sexual exploitation…. And that’s just their peers. I’ve lost count of the parents who say “we don’t have any secrets”. They are also the parents who don’t check phones. It’s a shame because when I’m arresting their sons for rape or distributing child abuse images I do think it might have been prevented with some actual parenting.

Completely agree. Parents need to parent. Too many parents think their preteens are angels when actually some are bullies. Or how many older kids share indecent images with their mates. Plus, as others have said, a phone is a portal for pedos and groomers to gain access to our kids. Stop trying being to be a 'cool' mum and start being a parent.

I personally think it's irresponsible to not check your preteen/young teenager's phone. I checked my DS's phone at least every couple of days until he started year 11 when I felt he deserved more privacy.

@zighead

I personally think it's irresponsible to not check your preteen/young teenager's phone. I checked my DS's phone at least every couple of days until he started year 11 when I felt he deserved more privacy.

Yeah I agree. But all the cool Mums will act when it's too late!

16. Ds in particular is vulnrable due to autism and I discovered some of his friends were being groomed (school & CEOPS contacted)

It's staggering to me that some parents are determined not to check their kids phones even when all the dangers are pointed out to them.

It's depressing actually.

In the same way I wouldn't drop my 13yo dd in a sleazy area of town at midnight I will not allow her unsupervised access to the internet.

It's dangerous, kids have been killed or killed themselves because of something that has happened online.

In my small town 3 teens have died by suicide in the last 4 years and each death was in some way linked to phones, photos and the internet 😢

I notice that many posts blame the parents for their children behaviour

I.e you check their phone , their children misbehave

But what if phone checking happens after concerns of behaviour

Thoughts ?!?!

It's really bizarre how people seem to think that checking a child's phone is because you don't trust them rather than wanting to protect them.

And I think most well adjusted children would understand that - surely it's reassuring as a child if you see your parents actively wanting to protect you?.

Do children think that if you don't allow them to wander around the city n the middle of the night that's because you don't trust them? Or because perhaps you want to protect them?

I also don't let my 5 year old use the kettle yet. Is that because I don't trust her or because I want to protect her from burns?

@theemperorhasnoclothes

It's really bizarre how people seem to think that checking a child's phone is because you don't trust them rather than wanting to protect them.

And I think most well adjusted children would understand that - surely it's reassuring as a child if you see your parents actively wanting to protect you?.

Do children think that if you don't allow them to wander around the city n the middle of the night that's because you don't trust them? Or because perhaps you want to protect them?

I know! Perhaps I should let my 13 year old go out all night, and just tell him to only come home when he feels like it. Oh and no need to tell me where he is because that’s his private business. Then I will just hope that because we “talk about things” that nothing bad will happen to him. Because those little chats will create a magic protective barrier around him!

Some parents don’t seem to get it, communication and education are important yes. But you still have to parent them! If they were totally independent and mature and didn’t need parents anymore, then they wouldn’t still need to live at home would they?!

Are the people who are saying they checked their teenage children’s phones young enough to also have had phones as teens? I had one back when they first became common at around 14. I can completely put myself in their shoes. I think it’s tantamount to psychological abuse to be quite honest. What are you hoping to achieve? What is it you are trying to protect them from? I genuinely wish to know.

@AmelieBear

Are the people who are saying they checked their teenage children’s phones young enough to also have had phones as teens? I had one back when they first became common at around 14. I can completely put myself in their shoes. I think it’s tantamount to psychological abuse to be quite honest. What are you hoping to achieve? What is it you are trying to protect them from? I genuinely wish to know.

The big thing is grooming. Several of ds’s friends didn’t recognise blatant grooming (he did and came to me). He was out under intense pressure to unblock someone who he’d thought he knew in real life (similar name to someone at school) & arrange a meet up.

There has also been some nasty online bullying and influencing teens to get involved in inappropriate things. Teens may think they are worldly wise, but they are often really naive.

@AmelieBear

Are the people who are saying they checked their teenage children’s phones young enough to also have had phones as teens? I had one back when they first became common at around 14. I can completely put myself in their shoes. I think it’s tantamount to psychological abuse to be quite honest. What are you hoping to achieve? What is it you are trying to protect them from? I genuinely wish to know.

I'm hoping to protect my dd from child abusers, exploitation, inappropriate content, bullying....

I only really checked occasionally when they were in year 6.

I’ve never checked their phones. My mum used to read my diary when I was a teenager in the 80s and it felt awful - a complete invasion of my privacy and a total lack of respect. My teens have/had the right to have private lives.

I’m also not naive enough to think that they wouldn’t be able to hide things they didn’t want me to see, or take part in unwanted behaviour without me checking their phones.

You should be working towards giving them the tools to protect themselves from all those things you mentioned. Like other have said, their phone is not the only way they access the outside world. They could be bullied at school, what are you going to do? Follow them in to school and look over their shoulder all day?

I had no idea this shift had taken place since I was a teen with a phone, it might explain why so many uni age kids on tiktok reckon they were raised by controlling narcissists 😅

DD is 12 and I haven't checked her phone apart from a few times when she was younger. She is very trustworthy and sensible, and follows the few rules we have for her - be back by a certain time or call us, when you go out go where you've said you're going or call us, and don't get involved in being horrible on group chats. She uses her phone for TikTok, and WhatsApp mostly.

DS is 14. He regularly goes missing, uses drugs, sends and receives nudes, attempts scams on Snapchat and has been in trouble several times for messages he's sent. He doesn't have a phone at the moment as it was stolen and I will probably get him another one but I can't imagine a time when I won't check it.

I never once checked their phones.

There were no mobile phones when I was a teen, but I’ve never felt the need to check my three teens. They are a bit unusual in that they’re not into interacting on social media. 16 yr old doesn’t have any social accounts, not even WhatsApp. Doesn’t even text much and mainly uses the phone to listen to music or watch gaming videos.