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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

When did you stop checking your teens phone?

215 replies

Picklesndcheese · 09/03/2022 18:35

Just that really! I stopped checking DDs phone when she turned 16. Wondering if that was too soon now? It felt invasive to carry on although tbh it had scaled back a lot over the years. She got her phone at 11.

She is very secretive about her phone so not sure if I should be worried! What do others do?

I should add we have generally a good relationship.

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 09/03/2022 19:30

I've never checked her phone.

savehannah · 09/03/2022 19:32

I occasionally look at my 11 and 13 year old's just to check for anything dodgy, porn, sexting, bullying, grooming, drug use etc etc. School has emphasized to parents the importance of being aware of what your kids are doing online, after loads of problems with inappropriate use of social media. Anyone who thinks their child tells them everything or that they would never get involved in anything like that are fooling themselves and it is just good parenting to not let your child loose in the scary world of the internet without checking up on them occasionally. I would like to look at my 15 year old's too but she started getting angry with me about it and I am already managing a fragile relationship with her.

Whattochoosenow · 09/03/2022 19:32

I’ve never checked phones.

Lacedwithgrace · 09/03/2022 19:37

I intend to make sure my kid trusts me and feels safe enough to tell me important things so I don't have to invade her privacy to find out what's going on in her life :)

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 09/03/2022 19:37

I used to check DD’s phone, it’s how I found out she was being bullied and then I did till about 16 occasionally. I used to usually get her to show me rather than me check it in secret.
Fwiw, she’s older now, doesn’t resent me in the slightest; she’s quite grateful that I did because it told me what she was scared to (she was scared of the bullies not me) and opened the doors for the conversations. It’s not black and white, you know your child.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 09/03/2022 19:37

i have never checked anyone's phone

Thatsplentyjack · 09/03/2022 19:39

I don't check my ds phone bit if I wanted it he would give me it.
I remember my dad going through my phone at around 15 and I was absolutely mortified, it was horrible.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/03/2022 19:40

I never check my teens phone. Why would I? I bought him up, I trust him.

megletthesecond · 09/03/2022 19:41

I've pretty much stopped checking my 15yr old phone. But he's Mr Sensible and not once has he done anything daft. He talks to me too.

I have to sneakily check my 13yr olds phone. Turned out she was self harming. She's quite poorly with MH issues and doesn't talk to me.

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 09/03/2022 19:42

When did you stop checking your teens phone?

I never started.

Soul11Soul · 09/03/2022 19:47

Depends on the child. Depends on their maturity. But if I had any moajor concerns about that I probably wouldn't allow them to have a phone in the first place. Personally, we have a pretty open door policy in our house. All devices are generally shared amongst us due our pathological forgetfullness when it comes to charging stuff. So my kids will borrow my phone and are happy to let me borrow theirs. We all know each other's passwords. I'm know this might change when they get older and that's ok.

Have you spoken to your daughter about it. What are your concerns about not checking the phone?

BurntO · 09/03/2022 19:47

16 seems a little old to me. 13/14 seems about right. They only get a phone with the condition there will be random spot checks. Can’t believe some parents never check Hmm hand your child a device that gives them access to the world, more worryingly, gives the world access to your child, and you don’t check? Ever? Even adults get groomed, what kind of standard are you holding your children to

rainydogday · 09/03/2022 19:48

I check mine 13 and 15 now and again, the 15 year old hardly at all. I don't read all the messages but have quick
Check through to make sure there isn't anything too dodgy. They know I will do it now and again and they are fine with me having the password - that was the deal for having a phone. I work within a role with lots of safeguarding and all the training we have is about internet safety etc and they said especially if child is young and they have a phone it should supervised.

liveforsummer · 09/03/2022 19:49

I checked constantly at primary age, now she's in high school (12) it's more sporadic but from what I've seen it's given me reason to trust her so far. I imagine I'll stop long before 16 though that seems like a massive intrusion

Jobsharenightmare · 09/03/2022 19:51

We had an agreement that we wouldn't pay for a phone unless I could check it whenever we wanted. We stopped at 16 when we felt, given the age of consent, we had hopefully instilled enough self respect and sense to have a chance at protecting them from grooming, drugs and gangs etc

Jobsharenightmare · 09/03/2022 19:52
  • I (mum) was allowed to check, not their Dad as apparently they felt that was too embarrassing!
MissyB1 · 09/03/2022 19:54

I check my 13 year old’s phone probably about twice a week. It was part of the deal of him having a phone was that it could be subject to spot checks. It’s not about “not trusting” it’s about being realistic and understanding how naive young teens can be.
He needs a phone because he has quite a long journey to school and back, and some days has to let himself in at home until I get home from work.

MoiraNotRuby · 09/03/2022 19:55

I'm a bad parent and probably checked twice in their lives. It is a bit like reading a diary. Except a diary can't groom you. So there is no way for a parent to 'win'. I worry and have really just hoped they would come to me if anything awful was going on. So far so good and they are 15 and 17 now.

Nix32 · 09/03/2022 20:06

@savehannah Absolutely!

Are none of you aware of grooming or county lines? These people are clever and your child wouldn't know they were being manipulated. It's up to us as parents to be responsible. It's not about invading privacy, it's about protecting them.

TomBradysLeftKneecap · 09/03/2022 20:09

I’ve never checked my kids’ phones but I’ve always reserved the right to do so if I felt it was needed. It just wasn’t.

Moonface123 · 09/03/2022 20:10

It has never crossed my mind to check my sons phones, totally unecessary.

Echobelly · 09/03/2022 20:11

I've never checked - I follow teen on instagram and TikTok so I can see what they are seeing, though.

I imagine that if I heard of a specific sexting or bullying problem at school I might ask to see it so that I could check if there was anything going on that they had maybe felt sheepish of asking about (and I would assure them they wouldn't be in trouble unless they were harming other people!) - I think that's sensible.

wishmyhousetidy · 09/03/2022 20:15

.think there is quite a lot of smugness on this thread - how of course their children are so sensible and well brought up that nothing untoward would happen to their children. We had a open and honest policy where I felt we talked openly about grooming, sex, drugs, but teenagers are very secretive and believe they know more than their parents and can make bad decisions because of their immaturity.

I agree there comes a time when you have to back off and let them make mistakes but be aware that the loveliest, brightest children make very bad mistakes, often facilitated by a mobil le phone.

Whattochoosenow · 09/03/2022 20:16

The reason I haven’t checked phones is we’ve had many open discussions around the dinner table about the consequences of sending inappropriate pictures and how they will be digitally available forever. We’ve also had discussions about blocking people. And we’ve had discussions about not posting anything without the other person’s consent.
The druggies at the local school were generally avoided/seen as losers.

Feeellostindirection · 09/03/2022 20:17

Same as lots of others I've never checked, dd is 16 this year and she's had a phone since year 6. Ds same, but he's younger. Isn't that invasion of privacy just the equivalent of reading someone's diary back in the day?

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