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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

When did you stop checking your teens phone?

215 replies

Picklesndcheese · 09/03/2022 18:35

Just that really! I stopped checking DDs phone when she turned 16. Wondering if that was too soon now? It felt invasive to carry on although tbh it had scaled back a lot over the years. She got her phone at 11.

She is very secretive about her phone so not sure if I should be worried! What do others do?

I should add we have generally a good relationship.

OP posts:
Bollix · 10/03/2022 21:01

Depressing and shocking 😡

Picklesndcheese · 10/03/2022 21:27

I have had a lot to think about from this thread. My original thread title gives away that it never occurred to me some parents never check at all.

I also don't think age appropriate checking with consent and chatting with our teens around the dangers of SM etc are mutually exclusive. Both works for us!

The diary thing puzzles me. By 14 my DD and all her friends had been sent unsolicited dick pics on Snapchat. A diary doesn't send you porn.

Also for me trust doesn't equal total freedom. It builds with time, maturity and confidence in making good choices especially in tricky situations. This won't be the same at 11 as 15.

OP posts:
theemperorhasnoclothes · 10/03/2022 22:13

Saying you would trust your child is victim blaming . Children aren't groomed or abused or watching porn because they aren't responsible or honest...its because they are vulnerable children and the Internet is full of predators.

Yes, 100%. You might trust THEM but would you be ok with them being in a chat room with Jimmy Savile? Because just letting them loose on the internet with no oversight is essentially doing that.

Wondergirl100 · 10/03/2022 22:49

There is a podcast made by the internet watch foundation (Great organisation look them up) - in one episode the Police Chief Commissioner responsible for child sex abuse says he was once watching a video of a child being abused that had been found being shared online by thousands of people. In the background the parent can be heard calling the child down for tea. They have absolutely no idea what their child is doing - directly communicating with paedophiles.
We have put children in a position online which we would NEVER do in the real world.

Would you let your child go into a sex shop (I say as a kid of the 80s) - nope. Would you let them into a casino, or let them go out into bars late at night where every ten minutes predatory paedophiles come up to them or trick them into revealing information about themselves that make them vulnerable to blackmail?

If you let your child roam around bars at night you would be visited by social services. yet parents let their children use the internet and do not monitor what is happening. I don't even blame parents it is hard to get your head around how serious the dangers are.

A very common tactic of paedophiles (many recent high profile cases show this, look on the National Crime Agency website for info) - is to trick a child into sharing an image - ie. they pretend to be another child/ a friend/ a boyfriend/ girlfriend their own age, someone who likes them and chats with them - once they have done that the child is putty in their hands. The child is terrified to tell anybody as they are told if they do the images will be shared - the child is sick with shame and fear.

Thousands and thousands of children go through this in the UK alone each year. Hundreds of children are safeguarded each month by UK police in relation to online sex abuse.

We are utterly failing our children both here in the Uk and globally that we allow this to continue.

The internet is a cess pit of abusers, groomers and outright paedophiles

I promise you nothing I could say here would even be in the slightest an exaggeration. The UK police have said themselves (google it) that they are completely overwhelmed by the online child sex abuse crisis.

The Times had a great report recently by their education correspondent - she went onto the "metaverse" - it was a press trip! She was given the VR headset by 'Meta' - yet within minutes she was being harassed. She met children in the VR world who were being harassed by paedophiles - this was literally within minutes of going online.

Wondergirl100 · 10/03/2022 22:51

And this is before we even get to the very extreme porn young teenagers are sharing between themselves.

parboil · 10/03/2022 23:01

I'm stunned by how many parents are never checking their kids' phones, but also quite surprised by the free access to SM. My young teens are allowed WA on their phones (which I check), but TikTok and Snapchat? No bloody way.

mumofblu · 11/03/2022 07:13

I haven't read all the posts but I wanted to add my voice .
Dd got her phone aged 11 . Discussed that phone was hers and it was given to her to use but belonged to me and her dad as we paid the contract so we would check it . This was no problem aged 11-13 so we didn't check frequently at all .
Then aged 13 she told us she had met a boy and wanted to go for a walk with him . He didn't live far but out of area and not in her school , she told us she had met him through a friend we knew who went to same school .
He came to our house to meet us , same age , seemed ok . Went for walk . No problem .
Then the girl who knew him called and said her daughter was with her and they'd seen my Dd and the boy out and was surprised they knew each other . First lie .
So I asked Dd for truth of how she knew this boy . ?
She had been out with a friend who moves around a lot and knew this group of boys and set up a group snap chat with my Dd who basically said she was a virgin , never been kissed and wanted experience. Aged 13 .
A few offered of course and this boy seemed nice so she chose him !!!!!
I only knew this because I checked her phone .
She continued to see him under v close supervision in the house . I had his dads number , no mum . But his dad was very clear that my Dd wasn't coming to their house .
I didn't want her going to his mates house either so they spent a lot of time st ours . But he was all over her .
Checking phone told me that he had lost his v at 11 , she was chatting up his mates that she fancied , they had been out into town with my permission but they were stealing , he was caught breaking and entering , she was putting my private conversations all over Instagram and lying to me .

After seeing a sex vibe photo I told him to get lost and he dumped her . This was between august and Nov last year .

Since then by continuing to check her phone I found out that she was chatting to multiple lads despite having a regular bf who goes to her school since dec . He comes to our house .
She has cheated on him by kissing his 2 best friends , she posted a sexy dance of herself that he said was disgusting because his mates saw her . Bf dumped her , she threatened suicide , his mum called me to tell me . She ended up in hospital and under mental health team .
I was told I was her problem because I checked her phone !
But without checking I wouldn't have known about her behaviour at all . We never argued about it but we would talk about what I found . Talks like , y know if you like a boys mates perhaps you shouldn't be dating him !
Interesting she's back with the bf who now checks her phone because he doesn't trust her , she's given him her account details to do this !!!!!!!

Upshot is I heard an argument between them on the phone last week and he was begging her and she blocked him . I then heard her telling another girl that he was being abusive and controlling her .

So I checked her phone

I saw his messages He was upset because they had unprotected sex for the first time last week and he was begging her to get the morning after pill and she was saying no chance .

Because I checked her phone she is now awaiting the results of a dr blood test to see if she's pregnant . An appointment I made because I checked her phone .

mumofblu · 11/03/2022 07:25

And to add the crisis team working with us fully support everything I've done and that checking her phone is important to keep
her safe .

If we remove social media she leaves the house with no phone so I don't know where she is . But because I checked her phone I know who she is mixing with where her bf lives etc and have 5 parents contact details who now let me know if she turns up at their house and if they hear anything I should know . Dd doesn't know this .

One parent called me about the unprotected sex because her son ( the bf friend she kissed ) had told her that my Dd bf was threatening to harm himself because of the unprotected sex and my Dd refusing to talk to him .

She's 14 .

MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/03/2022 07:25

@mumofblu

awful lot of phone checking going on but still her life carries on as usual, is what i take from your post

maeveiscurious · 11/03/2022 07:39

@Shaambaalaa

Are these comments actually for real - you checked your kids phones til they were 16??!!
Did your parenting stop before 16?
Orchidsonthetable · 11/03/2022 07:44

Also shocked at this thread, I have never checked. You should know your child well enough and be teaching her as she grows up so that she understands how to behave but can also talk to you. Checking is pointless because if anyone wants to hide something then they just delete after the first time you check as they know you’ll be doing it.

Shaambaalaa · 11/03/2022 07:46

I guess it depends on what you call parenting.

For me, it’s putting in the hours from a young age so that you get a mature, aware teen. In addition to that, no internet or SM on phone til age 14. Then keeping lines of communication open alongside trust. It’s worked very well. But I guess it wouldn’t for every parent/child relationship.

crossstitchingnana · 11/03/2022 07:46

I never checked my dc's phones, ever. I did school them in internet safety though. It would be like my mum following me and listening in to phone calls when I was that age.

Outrageous behaviour.

NameChanger45465465 · 11/03/2022 07:48

She is secretive BeCAUSE you check her phone !

MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/03/2022 07:49

tbf my dc are in their twenties and i dont believe they had smart phones until older
the computer was in the main family room

MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/03/2022 07:49

@NameChanger45465465

She is secretive BeCAUSE you check her phone !
agree
maeveiscurious · 11/03/2022 07:51

I policed the time they were on the phone they switched off at 9pm when they were under 16.

For all those who never check their kids phones, bullying, sexual images and grooming are all real threats

www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/news-opinion/2021/online-grooming-record-high/

You wouldn't let your child talk to random strangers in the street or late at night.

I remember my DD at 14 telling me her friend was meeting "Nigel" at the cinema who she had met on line. This wasn't a boy.

Adults are duped by the internet so why not your child..

Shaambaalaa · 11/03/2022 07:52

@MistyFuckingQuigley

Maybe you should have a check - just in case!

Seriously though - it’s an interesting point that parental interference leads to cleverer ways of hiding things.

There isn’t a right or wrong way to do it - you know your child, you know how you brought them up, you can read the signs. Some people will feel the need to check phones, some won’t.

Shaambaalaa · 11/03/2022 07:53

@maeveiscurious

I guess it depends on what you call parenting.

For me, it’s putting in the hours from a young age so that you get a mature, aware teen. In addition to that, no internet or SM on phone til age 14. Then keeping lines of communication open alongside trust. It’s worked very well. But I guess it wouldn’t for every parent/child relationship.

mumofblu · 11/03/2022 07:53

For all the critics , hello
Yes her life is going on as usual but I got her help when she took an overdose , and no I didn't stop her having sex but I am getting her medical support . And I know where she is when she walks out the house instead of calling the police ad I've been told to do

At school she is top in all her subjects , she is polite , charming and an ace footballer . She is articulate and charming , School call her impressive
She was abused aged 8 and is in counselling for this and her sexualised behaviour is thought to be driven by the abuse and puberty .

WTF475878237NC · 11/03/2022 07:59

Do people just not get this? Checking the phone from an early age gives the opportunity to teach about all sorts of social communication. It is part of protecting your child so they are more aware. Forming, sustaining and protecting from digital relationships requires much more support than parents had to do before social media and smart phones. It's like some of you are justing opting out to all of these extra parenting responsibilities.

A very basic example:
The first time my child was invited to a party via message, because she didn't want to do fancy dress, she replied "I don't want to come". Nothing else. The friend ignored her at school the next day.
From seeing that I was able to start a conversation about how being unable to see the person use body language and hear their voice tone require a slightly different approach to ensure your intentions are understood.

beachcitygirl · 11/03/2022 08:05

I think that's a massive invasion of privacy. I talked to my kids. Really talked & really listened & made sure they were confident about consent, knew of the very real horrors of Porn, the drugs & crime & degradation & trafficking.

I talked to them openly & honestly about things and encouraged them to feel entitled to autonomy and privacy & that freedom has responsibilities.

I wouldn't dream of checking their phones. They got phones at 13
Family computer in living room before then. They got tablets for school around 11

I think yiu have a long long way to go - to build trust again.
I'd start with an apology for your invasion of their privacy.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/03/2022 08:07

teenagers can get into trouble with or without phones
there is more to life than checking phones

MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/03/2022 08:09

best of luck @mumofblu Flowers

beachcitygirl · 11/03/2022 08:10

Also, for those parents who do check, you do know that teens are mostly extremely computer literate & will use private browsing & hidden WhatsApp groups & Snapchat etc as they know you'll check.
Seems pointless to me. You either trust or don't.
There ain't no way to 'beat' a teenager