When did you stop checking your teens phone?

[Picklesndcheese]

Just that really! I stopped checking DDs phone when she turned 16. Wondering if that was too soon now? It felt invasive to carry on although tbh it had scaled back a lot over the years. She got her phone at 11.

She is very secretive about her phone so not sure if I should be worried! What do others do?

I should add we have generally a good relationship.

@Picklesndcheese

OK. Deep breath I'll explain why I asked this question today. Email from school this week with a disturbing new trend.

Boys are videoing their girlfriends during oral sex to sell the videos on line. Apparently this started by boys saying they were using their phone torches to "see better" which is worrying enough but the girls realised they were being filmed. Shockingly some girls are agreeing to share the money.

This is year 9, 10 and 11 kids. Good kids. Nice kids. Kids like mine and yours. Kids who are not ready to think through what they are doing. Kids who live in a "nice" area at a "good" school. Kids with parents who never check their phones.

Huge safeguarding and potential criminal issues now being investigated. And this is not an isolated incident.

How awful for you all, and the girls in particular who probably won't realise for a few years how violated they've been. Variations of that will be happening in secondary schools up and down the country. 😔

@Picklesndcheese

Interesting to read more pro checking replies now! Just to clarify a few things. All checking was done with a reason and with consent. As per PP it led to useful chats about SM use, images, grooming etc. My daughter does not resent me at all.

I am a little amazed at the never checkers as this is contrary to all safer Internet guidance and even sensible kids make bad choices. My DDs lovely best friend sent nudes to her boyfriend (no face) that she is mortified about now.

Agree, it's against all safeguarding of children not to check their phone.

You do it for your children but not for adults for the same reason you have DBS checks for adults working with kids in schools but not for adults who you work with. There's a difference between kids and adults

There are lots of things that can happen on a phone that a child will not be prepared for - no matter how much you think you've discussed things and prepared them - and the only way you can know is by checking. As they demonstrate their maturity and responsibility, that reduces.

There was a random adult on a chat with my daughter and her friends (I don't even know how they managed to get added). None of them noticed. I did.

A phone is not a diary. I'd never look at my DDs diary nor do I read her written letters to friends / family but phones are different. It's about checking that their internet usage is appropriate.

The choice for my DD is have her phone locked down so it can only make calls / texts or know that I'll occasionally have a look and see who she's been communicating with in order to keep her safe. Having seen some of the cautionary tales of children who haven't had this oversight, she understands why it's important.

I think a lot of people on this thread are too naive. I have been shocked to the core at things I have seen. There is a massive pandemic of young teens sharing pictures or posting very provocative pictures of themselves, it terrifies me. Girls are doing it younger and younger. I wish more parents would check….

Seriously @Ionlydomassiveones kids don't have to be thick or gullible to get involved in something dodgy. They are teenagers, they literally have high risk taking behaviour in their hormones. Even if their parents have warned them about stuff that doesn't mean they'll never do it. Don't you remember being a teenager? Parents telling you don't smoke, don't drink, don't have unprotected sex and yet teens do them all. Teens make poor decisions, that is why we as adults are responsible for them up to the age of 18.

As far as grooming is concerned there are some very clever bad people out there going to great lengths to decieve people online and teens full of their first sexual and emotional feelings are prime targets.

[quote SleepOhHowIMissYou]@Soul11Soul

You accuse us of smugness while in the same breath suggesting we are neglectful, abusive parents for not checking our kids phones.

Do you understand irony?[/quote]
Can you point out where I said that?
I haven't once condemned any parent for raising their child how they want to. The only thing I have condemned is your judgement of OP.

@Soul11Soul You said "Do you afford your children all of the same freedoms as your adult partner @SleepOhHowIMissYou? If your 11 year old wanted to hang about the local pub alone on a Saturday night is that ok? How about if your 12 year old wanted to watch some hardcore porn? You ok with that too? If child safeguarding isn't a concern to you then I wonder why? Don't be obtuse."

I don't respond to hyperbole which is why I ignored you. The penultimate line is where you are suggesting that not to snoop on your kids means you are either an abuser or stupid. Then, just to be sure, you call me obtuse.

Definition of obtuse

2a : lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility or intellect : insensitive, stupid He is too obtuse to take a hint.

Or perhaps I have misunderstood your meaning, what wif me being obtuse an' that.

I can't believe you'd check their phone at all! What happened to building trust and communication with your children?
I would have never trusted my parents again if they'd 'checked' my phone at all.
If you're concerned about them, how about just ask them?!
And thinking it's 'too soon' to stop checking their phone at 16?? Christ.

I disagree with you in that phones are indeed a diary. A phone is a personal catalogue of the texts we've sent, the Google searches we've made, the photos and videos we've taken, the notes we've written to ourselves and so much more. It shows our inner selves way more than a diary ever would.

Fgs this isn’t just about online safety

This isn’t just about your child

It’s about every child

Your child may be fine but equally they may be terrorising the crap out of another and you have no idea if you don’t check your phone

Ds has been bullied for 4 years. Every single one of those parents I know and all think their children are angels

The bullying isn’t massive but it’s enough to knock every bit of confidence out of him

So grow up and be a parent you selfish lazy bastards😡

I’m sorry but you parents not checking are responsible for very child that takes a life, every child who cries themelsves to sleep with relentless online mockery, humiliation and isolation

Stop faking the lazy, easy way out

Do your fucking Job

Me me me is what’s wrong with society get a grip

Online bullying is rife causing endless MH issues

Play your part and stop being ‘best mates’ with your kids

If you haven’t been a victim I guarantee your child is the perpetrator

A mobile phone is not a diary it is a portal to your child. It is the way sleaze bags and manipulators reach them. It is a tool for blackmail, humiliation and sexual exploitation…. And that’s just their peers. I’ve lost count of the parents who say “we don’t have any secrets”. They are also the parents who don’t check phones. It’s a shame because when I’m arresting their sons for rape or distributing child abuse images I do think it might have been prevented with some actual parenting.

@Bookaholic73

I’ve never checked my teens phones! That’s a massive invasion of privacy.

This

Yes I check my 15 & 12 year old's phones - I have their account passwords & will continue to do so until they are paying for their own phones. The younger one also had Family Link Android monitoring of her app purchases and both of them have "bedtime" kick in at 10:15pm leaving them with only access to their calendar, alarm clock, Keep notes & Kindle. We adults pay so we ultimately control / protect them. In return, we also trust them with access to our phones - all fingerprints are shared across all devices because these are just devices, not secret worlds.

On the other hand I would never read a diary (or share mine with them) as that is not a portal to the outside world but a place where you can download your thoughts.

I never looked at my children’s phones…it’s the equivalent to reading their diary !

@Watapalava

Agree 100%

A diary can't groom them, threaten them, blackmail them or frighten them. Nor can they use it to bully and mock other people.

I wouldn't read a diary but I'll jolly well check phones.

@Watapalava

Me me me is what’s wrong with society get a grip

Online bullying is rife causing endless MH issues

Play your part and stop being ‘best mates’ with your kids

If you haven’t been a victim I guarantee your child is the perpetrator

This 👆

The ones saying “oh I don’t need to check my little darling is totally trustworthy and we have such a brilliant relationship blah blah”

Yeah wake up…

All the paedophiles reading this will be delighted at how lax so many parents are, especially with pre-teens. OP I stopped checking at about 14. We had a few issues that we helped them deal with before that (kids being racist/homophobic/ older boy making sexual comments to my 11 year old) But in main they were the most boring and bits of reading I have ever done.
Taught them how to leave an annoying WhatsApp group/block people/ignore shit/report shit. Those people that have never checked are either naive or lazy. However I do believe that once children get to about 14 they need to learn to tackle these things themselves, or know when to come to you.

Dear me. You call us non phone checkers lazy and accuse us of not parenting our children.

Well, when one of my children got threatened with being shanked on social media, who do you think they told? Who did they come to to show the message, that's right, me, their Mum, who then sorted it out with the other kid's parent.

Likewise, when someone on Discord suggested LARPing in private, what do you think they did? I'll tell you. They blocked them and turfed them off the server. Then guess what they did. You got it, they told me. They showed me the messages (which actually seemed rather innocent to me) but they had enough nouse to realise that someone was dodgy and take appropriate action.

The reason my kids don't have phones filled with their mates performing sex acts on each other is because this is openly discussed and they know the dangers and consequences of doing this. If they ARE looking at porn, they're not doing it easily at home as I have parental controls set (I must work out how to take them off now they're both adults because YouTube keeps getting restricted which is very annoying).

So, rather than lazy parenting, I would say what you're seeing above is parenting with trust and mutual respect.

The biscuit goes to those saying that child suicide is due to other parents not invading their child's trust. Frankly, if this is how you think then spying on your kids may well seem rational to you.

It's hard to build a relationship of trust and respect when your kids hit the terrible teen years. It takes time and patience. Far easier to impose your will, that's the lazy route. This behaviour perpetuates too. I am the boss, I will do what I like, you do as you're told does not create resilient, self sufficient adults. No, it either creates subservient adults or ones who learn from your example and never understand how to interact beyond hierarchies and build fulfilling relationships.

Trust is all.

I last checked DS’s at nearly 16, though he knows I’d check again if I had concerns. It’s never been a regular thing, more if he’s been hiding his phone/ using it at 2am. I don’t tend to read messages to girlfriends, but will check ones to people I don’t know/ group chats. It’s been useful… one time age 14 there were chats with an insta stranger who was trying to persuade him to lie and get a train to London to meet. Other times he was sexting much older (10+ years) strangers he’d “met” on discord.

i never thought my dc were angels

it would not have occurred to me not to trust them
if you look at their phone they will take their secrets elsewhere

I think a lot depends on what access to apps and the net that they have.

My 12yr old doesn't need access to Reddit or any other of those shite pages for example so her she has safe search turned on and sites blocked.

If her phone had Discord or any other of the SM apps on it, how would I know she wasn't effectively being groomed? I'm not saying it will happen but it does and it's scary at some of the naivety on this thread.

Mine will have her phone randomly inspected until she is 15/16, even the 'nicest kid' can post crap online but the parents won't be aware as 'they just wouldn't do that.'

I've been around and worked with teens for decades now and the amount of indecent images that especially some young girls are taking and language coming from younger and younger kids as they have access to porn and other unsuitable material is disturbing.

Never checked it. If they can have sex at 16, join the marines etc, I think it's high time you respected your kid's privacy.

My older child is only 13. She knows I check her phone from time to time, and doesn't mind.

To be honest, the class whatsapp is such drivel (endless emojis and blurry selfies) that you'd need the patience of a saint to trawl through it, BUT occasionally there have been things crop up where I have checked and it was the right thing to do. I explained why to dd, and she understood.

If she put up a fuss we'd probably have to redraw the boundaries so she still felt respected and I still felt secure, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

She doesn't have any social media apps. She's not allowed TikTok on her phone, but she's allowed to scroll MY TikTok, which is brilliant.

I'm a pretty strict/old-fashioned/cautious parent in a number of ways, but 16 feels pretty old to be checking still, particularly without their knowledge. I hope I could speak with her openly at that point.

If her phone had Discord or any other of the SM apps on it, how would I know she wasn't effectively being groomed? I'm not saying it will happen but it does and it's scary at some of the naivety on this thread.

This is what I worry about. I'm amazed at the people who have NEVER checked their young teen's phones. 16 is one thing, fine, but 12 and 13??