When did you stop checking your teens phone?

[Picklesndcheese]

Just that really! I stopped checking DDs phone when she turned 16. Wondering if that was too soon now? It felt invasive to carry on although tbh it had scaled back a lot over the years. She got her phone at 11.

She is very secretive about her phone so not sure if I should be worried! What do others do?

I should add we have generally a good relationship.

DD is 14 and I've never checked her phone. I trust her.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou. Perhaps the reason your "kids" don't have phones full of sex acts is as you mentioned previously "luck". I know several parents who would have said what you just said word for word and their children/teens still ended up embroiled in phone drama, some more serious than others. And I'm not going to suggest that my children will never have phone drama themselves.

And yes you did misunderstand my post. I am interested in knowing why child safeguarding is not a concern for you? You suggested my examples of a child in the pub or a child accessing porn were hyperbole. I don't agree. A phone with internet access is exactly like that. The internet is full of adults, some of them pissed and who knows what you will hear or see. If you look at my first post you will see that my approach to my children's phones is actually not dissimilar to yours. Checking a child's phone is not nefariously creeping into your child's room at night to steal it away and invade their privacy. For me it was about detailing the boundaries of usage at the beginning of the contract. My child got a phone slightly earlier than I would have liked due to lockdown and it being one of the ways they could access friends. So we discussed that if either of us had any concerns we would sit together and have a look at any messages and chat about it. If they felt uncomfortable at any time they could put the phone down and walk away. There would be phone free time and no phones in the bedroom (they were 11). We share phones about as I mentioned previously.. because I trust my children and they trust me.

Interesting how many people have never checked their kids’ phones - as a mum who has watched my 12 yr old viciously bullied on SM by other 12 yr olds that explains why their parents did fuck all to stop it. Because they were hand wringing over privacy. Thanks for that. Luckily I did have the sense to check his phone and was able to intervene but you carry on in your blissful ignorance .

@Watapalava

Fgs this isn’t just about online safety

This isn’t just about your child

It’s about every child

Your child may be fine but equally they may be terrorising the crap out of another and you have no idea if you don’t check your phone

Ds has been bullied for 4 years. Every single one of those parents I know and all think their children are angels

The bullying isn’t massive but it’s enough to knock every bit of confidence out of him

So grow up and be a parent you selfish lazy bastards😡

I’m sorry but you parents not checking are responsible for very child that takes a life, every child who cries themelsves to sleep with relentless online mockery, humiliation and isolation

Stop faking the lazy, easy way out

Do your fucking Job

Well said and sorry about your Ds. Some of the comments here are incredible. For someone to imply earlier that only thick children do stupid things was incredible. All children, infact all people can do stupid things. Teenagers in particular do not behave rationally and are frequently impulsive. Don’t presume that children that mess up are either thick or have never been spoken to about the perils of life by their parents. It really is frustrating to see and however good your communication is their peers become very important at this age and if unfortunately they change friendship groups and hang around with children with different boundaries, things can change pretty quickly.

@wishmyhousetidy so true. I’ve had to intervene on a number of occasions with my three. They’ve needed guidance and support and advice on all sorts of things that they are navigating.

I naively believed that every responsible parent checked their kids’ phones but it would appear very many don’t. These will be the same “can’t be arsed” parents who will blame the schools for everything their kids do.

Depends on what we mean by checking phones. I've never taken their devices without asking and while they've shown me messages to discuss, I've never gone into them first. I imagine that would be harder with less compliant children or those obviously engaged in risky behaviour.

My 17 year old still has Family Link on his phone and is aware that means I can see what apps he's used and for how long. He (and his father and I) have an extension on our computers which at a click shows how long each website has been used. We only tend to do that when there is a sudden uptick in use or concerns about his wellbeing - over winter, he showed signs of being depressed, we had a discussion of how his home life seems out of balance, and we used those to discuss his use.

My 15 and 12 year old phones also have Family Link and have the internet blocked entirely - I only unlock it if there is a reason. After my 15 year old's recent birthday we went through all the apps, adjusted the time limits to give her far more freedom with the discussion that I'd be keeping an eye on if she got out of balance. It's been interesting to see how her use has fluctuated since. It's an on-going conversation.

For me, it has nothing to do with trust and more to do with well-being, habits, and part of discussing what is a big part of our lives. We've had our bumps along the way often found through a child handing me a device to fix or my spotting something weird in the shared browser history that started some of our hardest conversations. I treat it like the rest of their lives, that even my 17 year old still needs guidance on and that is open for us to talk about & sometimes that means I need to ask to see their device to get a clearer picture. That's something I could never do with my parents and I ended up in several high risk situations because of it and developed terrible habits so I've tried to continue to be mindful of it with mine, even in being open about those situations or that I still keep blockers on my device for me, not for them.

But it’s the online bullying that parents are missing. The boy bullying my DS was a “butter wouldn’t melt” goody two shoes kind of kid who is actually a really snide little shit. His behaviour on his phone was damning but his bloody parents were clearly not looking at it!

Mine are 21 and 18. I never checked it. I just asked occasionally if they would show me it.

Have people actually seen what their kids see. Below are popular instagram groups set up in almost every area i know:

"rate my mate" - kids post a pic of a friend and others 'score' them out of 10

"town scraps - videos posted of fights in/out school

"*town top 10 mings and slags"

"Slagpicstown name*"

town biggest mings and hoes

"shit teachers town" -- kids post their teacher pics

These are some groups on insta which are in many towns

My dd13 gets about 3 'friend' requests a day from perverts!

You are so dangerously naive to not be checking phones and whilst you may have close relationship you absolutely are not protecting your children

Bullying would reduce massively if parents actually 'parented'

Do any of you know how many followers your kids have?

Bibabbles that sounds very sensible to me. It's so much more complex than trust.

I've never checked - I follow teen on instagram and TikTok so I can see what they are seeing, though.

Our DS had 2 Instagram accounts - one that we (mum & dad, other family members etc) were following and another we knew nothing about Turns out this was true for most of his friends, including those whose parents think everything is fine because they follow their child online. We found out because we check his phone. And we didn't like what we saw on the "secret" account. We were able to stop things progressing for the worse. I'm not a bit sorry that we check, maybe it depends on the child but I'm not naïve enough to think that it's only my child who makes bad decisions and gets himself into trouble.

If someone follows their child on insta they only see what the child posts and who they follow
They will not see the posts their child sees unless they follow all of their child’s followers!!!

This is what I’m talking about - parents don’t even know how social media works!!! Following your child is irrelevant - my dc have 3/4 accounts! Almost al kids have a ‘private story’ on snap chat

@Shaambaalaa

I’ve never checked their phone.

Same here. It wouldn't have occurred to me to do so any more than opening post addressed to them.

www.theguardian.com/media/2021/dec/06/three-in-four-girls-have-been-sent-sexual-images-via-apps-report-finds
3 in 4 girls have been sent sexual images on their phones, and 50% of those did not tell their parents or another adult.
You can decide not check because you think there's nothing dodgy on there - but you're desperately naive. Every parent believes their child is in the small minority who is not accessing porn, not being sent offensive images, not being bullied etc etc but clearly mathematically the vast majority of these parents are wrong. You can decide not check because you know there is something dodgy on there but you think that it's an invasion of privacy - that's up to you, I'd rather know, at least until 14/15.

We were told by the school to check our kids phones.

Just to point out 16 is the age of consent.They 'child' can legally engage in whatever with their partner.I am sure we all had sexual experiences before 18 and parent snooping through phone is inappropriate after that age.

Never have.
Or rather once they showed me because there was a problem. Not since.

Please please do not equate this with trusting your child or opening their post..men are on every single forum your child is on.they are disguising themselves in thousands of ways or they are openly grooming children.

Google child abuse online crisis. Look at the website the Internet watch foundation.

Learn about thr staggering ...and I mean staggering rise in self generated child abuse.

That means children sending explicit images of themselves after being groomed or blackmailed or tricked. This is absolutely nothing like opening a letter it is about ensuring your child is safe from paedophile

Separately it is about finding out if your 12 year old is watching hard core pornography as sadly many are.

Do you know that every single month in England and Wales 900 men are arrested for watching online child abuse.

The idea that a phone and the apps on it are like a diary or letters through the post is woefully naive. Your children need to be protected and believe me I work in this field and every day parents are unaware of the grooming and abuse going on on every app and platform.

Saying you would trust your child is victim blaming . Children aren't groomed or abused or watching porn because they aren't responsible or honest...its because they are vulnerable children and the Internet is full of predators.

This thread is very scary to me. I thought most people understood the danger children face online.

And that doesn't even cover the inappropriate social media and chats with other teens.

Checking phones seems a bit pointless to me. If they want to hide something they will. Surely better to educate them about potential risky behaviour and keep lines of communication open.

About 15/16. I haven't checked that often, but I expect to be given the phone to check when asked.

I asked my then 14 yo because he was talking to a 14 yo girl online, from America, and I wanted to check she was who she said she was, and that the conversion wasn't anything dodgy. It was all fine and they are still friends now (he's nearly 18) and send each other gifts.

I checked my youngests phone recently as there had been some online trouble with one of the groups he was in. It was all sorted, apologies made. I just kept an eye on it to make sure it all blown over and they were on to the next teenage drama.

I trust my kids, they are good, I don't trust the whole world though, and that's what they are accessing on their phone.

Lol reading these replies making me very glad my mum never checked my phone haha

Asked my daughter tonight what she though about it. She laughed and said - those mums who check are the ones with kids with hidden accounts who use VPNs.

What this thread shows is how many parents believe that bad things can only happen to other people’s kids.

Oh and that apparently if you have a little chat now again over dinner, that means your teenager will never indulge in risky behaviour.

Jeez 🤦‍♀️

@Shaambaalaa

Asked my daughter tonight what she though about it. She laughed and said - those mums who check are the ones with kids with hidden accounts who use VPNs.

Oh it's alright, Shaambaalaa's daughter has spoken, if you check your kids phones it must mean they have a secret one stashed somewhere. Phew, I'm pleased we've got that cleared up and by an expert no less.

The amount of shitty parenting on this thread is so depressing. Just a complete lack of interest in your child's safety.