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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

When did you stop checking your teens phone?

215 replies

Picklesndcheese · 09/03/2022 18:35

Just that really! I stopped checking DDs phone when she turned 16. Wondering if that was too soon now? It felt invasive to carry on although tbh it had scaled back a lot over the years. She got her phone at 11.

She is very secretive about her phone so not sure if I should be worried! What do others do?

I should add we have generally a good relationship.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 09/03/2022 20:25

@Feeellostindirection

Same as lots of others I've never checked, dd is 16 this year and she's had a phone since year 6. Ds same, but he's younger. Isn't that invasion of privacy just the equivalent of reading someone's diary back in the day?
A phone is nothing like a diary! How interactive was your diary? What strangers were reaching you through your diary? What inappropriate content could suddenly appear in your diary? Could the school bullies hound you st home through your diary? Can’t believe some of the naivety on this thread.
Breastfeedingworries · 09/03/2022 20:26

I’m the other side of this, I wish my mum had checked up on me, I sent topless photos when I was 14 those photos are out there now, it was on a forum online. :( I needed more input. I will be speaking a lot when my dd is older about the law and what not to send. God knows where my pictures are and I’m very glad my face wasn’t in them. You do teens do need you to keep boundaries and support in place and they do make daft and damaging decisions. I support you op. You can tell them what I did and regret.

waterrat · 09/03/2022 20:26

It's sadly nothing like a diary. Children use phones to speak to strangers and watch hard-core porn. They can and are groomed through phones to send securely explicit material. This is happening on an almost industrial scale in the UK and globally.

I understand why people think it's an invasion of privacy but thr reality is thst definitely until 16 children need to be protected online

Hoolihan · 09/03/2022 20:26

Mine got a phone age 11/12 on the express condition that I would be checking it periodically. I checked it once in a while until he was 13 and then stopped as it felt too intrusive by then.

Sunnytwobridges · 09/03/2022 20:29

I never ever checked my kid's phone and she's had one that had texting/internet since she was about 12. She had a non smart mobile phone when she was 9.

I don't check her laptop/internet history either. I just feel like its an invasion of privacy especially if I dont feel like there's anything going on/to worry about.

Chaotica · 09/03/2022 20:29

Wonderful to read about all these people who don't need to check their children's phones. Or, saying that if you don't trust them, they shouldn't have a phone... (so, you should leave a child you don't trust to go out and about phoneless?).

I check rarely, but when I did my DC was being groomed and I was lucky that she hadn't been lured away already. I was very close to losing my child. Of course she knew about all the dangers from us and the school, but they didn't apply to the random strangers who were talking to her.

Watapalava · 09/03/2022 20:31

I have checked their phones from time to time not routinely

Bollocks to all this privacy stuff

They’d be a lot less bullying if parents acted like parents and looked at their kids social media from time to time - even once w month random

Even the nicest kids post shite or share inappropriate/nasty posts that others have made

If you think your child hasn’t or wouldn’t then I suggest you really need to look at their phone as every child does

It’s so irresponsible not to - that’s why there are so many vile kids out there

Watapalava · 09/03/2022 20:32

If you’ve never had reason to check your child phone when so many others have perhaps it’s your kids who are doing all the online bullying and getting away with it

sunshineandshowers40 · 09/03/2022 20:33

I don't check unless there is an issue and then I ask them to get their phone and we look together. Mine are in KS3 and I felt like I was invading their privacy. Phones are kept downstairs at night.

Bollix · 09/03/2022 20:50

It's up to us as parents to be responsible. It's not about invading privacy, it's about protecting them.

This 100%

Seems to me that a lot of posters are either incredibly naive or putting their head in the sand 🙄.

Original poster
Picklesndcheese · 09/03/2022 21:01

Interesting to read more pro checking replies now! Just to clarify a few things. All checking was done with a reason and with consent. As per PP it led to useful chats about SM use, images, grooming etc. My daughter does not resent me at all.

I am a little amazed at the never checkers as this is contrary to all safer Internet guidance and even sensible kids make bad choices. My DDs lovely best friend sent nudes to her boyfriend (no face) that she is mortified about now.

OP posts:
Whattochoosenow · 09/03/2022 21:01

@Watapalava we live in a tiny community- the kind where people know what you’re doing before you know yourself. If that was going, on a word would have been had by another parent.
Luckily the school mine went to had very little bullying and any sort of awful behaviour was looked down on by others.

wishmyhousetidy · 09/03/2022 21:06

Agree with those saying huge naivety from so many. When they are teenagers, with the best will in the world, the look outwards and are often influenced by people other than yourselves. When they are trying to fit in, or they are lonely, they can be terribly influenced by people online into doing much of what you never in a million years believed they would. They phone companies, social media companies do nothing to protect our children, it is up to parents to at least be aware of the pitfalls.

MermaidEyes · 09/03/2022 21:06

If I ever felt anything serious was happening I would check, but otherwise I don't. My kids talk to me and tell me about the kids who are sexting, sending nudes etc. One of my dds friends has 2 phones - the one her mum checks religiously every night, and the one her mother appears to have forgotten about...this girl is 16 btw

user1487194234 · 09/03/2022 21:16

I never checked their phones
I am very hot on personal privacy

user1487194234 · 09/03/2022 21:20

And maybe I was just lucky but none of mine had issues which checking their phones would have resolved
Surely better to talk to them about the risks and what to do if they are concerned

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 09/03/2022 21:20

How often does your husband check your phone OP?

Original poster
Picklesndcheese · 09/03/2022 21:21

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

How often does your husband check your phone OP?
I'm an adult!
OP posts:
SleepOhHowIMissYou · 09/03/2022 21:21

You could be up to all sorts.

It's for your own good y'see.

Sally2791 · 09/03/2022 21:25

Never checked my children’s phones.

sofakingcool · 09/03/2022 21:28

I didn't check either, but had an agreement that if I was concerned with either (change in behaviour, people saying things etc) then I'd ask to check them

Soul11Soul · 09/03/2022 21:28

Do you afford your children all of the same freedoms as your adult partner @SleepOhHowIMissYou? If your 11 year old wanted to hang about the local pub alone on a Saturday night is that ok? How about if your 12 year old wanted to watch some hardcore porn? You ok with that too? If child safeguarding isn't a concern to you then I wonder why? Don't be obtuse.

MrsTumbletap · 09/03/2022 21:29

When my DS gets a phone I will check it. I will also tell him that there will be spot checks..

He will be too young at 11/12 to understand grooming, porn, county lines, coercion etc. I will also want to make sure he is being appropriate himself, letting a child have full unsupervised access to the internet and the world of murder, rape, violent porn, drugs and coercion which can be accessed, shown, shared, followed etc on a phone at the the age of 11/12 in my opinion isn't safe.

Depending on how he is at 14/15 I will probably back off, and if he seems happy, mature etc then he can lock it with a passcode. I had a diary that was private at 14 onwards, but my own thoughts scribbled in a notebook is not the same as the internet and all the awful things that are on there.

WannabeGilmoreGirl · 09/03/2022 21:29

16 for my dd1 and ds. dd2 is 11 and I check her phone every week or so. As they get older it is checked less and less until 16 when they no longer have to hand their phone in at night.

I would rather keep them safe than be their friend. None of them have ever had any concerns about the checking, it was a condition when they got their phone. It's not about reading their messages its all about keeping them safe.

CatFacedGirl · 09/03/2022 21:30

All of the ' what an invasion of privacy! I'd never check my teen's phone!' parents .. I take it you're OK with the fact that they could be talking to adults, swapping explicit pics, being groomed, etc?

Because you wouldn't have a clue would you?

It's the basics of parenting. My youngest is 15 and I've recently stopped but he is aware that I can look at any time I want. I frequently remind him to be careful what he is saying in messages and that he can tell me anything at all that concerns him - even if he thinks I'll go mad. I favour honesty above anything really

If you have a young teen and you're just letting them crack on .. you're a fool

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