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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

305 replies

pigalow · 05/12/2021 09:52

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’
I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

OP posts:
SandwichedPerson · 05/12/2021 12:20

YABU. This is how teenagers are largely programmed to be I'm afraid. She will come back but it's shit while it's happening.

Fet2021duejuly2022 · 05/12/2021 12:24

She’ll be back don’t worry give her time. Hugs to you though. It’s so hard ❤️

corblimeygov · 05/12/2021 12:25

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day.
Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.

nimbuscloud · 05/12/2021 12:26

I think you are suffocating her.
Take a giant step back.

ChristmasKrackers · 05/12/2021 12:27

Yabu. Take a step back, it’s not personal, she’s starting to find her feet, you have a long road ahead of you, but she needs space.

Don’t worry though, I’m sure you know we always go back in the end.

Hoppinggreen · 05/12/2021 12:29

You need to back off unfortunately
Give her space and she will come back

HollowTalk · 05/12/2021 12:29

It's very tough, isn't it? The speed of change is really awful. Be careful you don't get into a pattern of buying her time and affection - it's so easy to do that because they seem back to their old selves in that moment. Flowers

Seeline · 05/12/2021 12:30

She is your daughter, not your best friend. Going shopping and out for lunch iare generally things to do with friends -hers and yours. As a special occasion, maybe, but not regularly.

She is growing up, it is natural for her to need you less. Until she needs you, and then as a parent you step up.

I think they do tend to gradually come back.

theriverrunsthrough · 05/12/2021 12:31

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
Bloody hell Shock I dont think she will receive that in the good grace you think she will.

I can not fathom why you would want to do that - its bloody awful! If one of my parents didn't that to me I would burn it - in front of them.

DramaAlpaca · 05/12/2021 12:32

It's hard, I know, but it's normal. Teenagers have to separate from you before they come back to you, with all the extremes of behaviour that entails. Think of it as like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, she needs that stage to mature. Take a step back and let her be, she'll be close to you again in a year or two. In the meantime don't take it personally and make sure she knows you love her. It's OK to keep offering hugs, even if she rejects them she knows what they mean.

theriverrunsthrough · 05/12/2021 12:32

YABU OP, parenting is a thankless job.

And yes helping her with her GCSE work is pretty much standard parenting role.

Stop mithering her, she is discovering who she is - away from you. She is not an extension of you or your best mate.

aLittleL1fe · 05/12/2021 12:34

Typical teenage behaviour I'm afraid, you have my sympathy.

AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD
Fritilleries · 05/12/2021 12:34

She is your daughter. Not your friend. Back off. I get that it is sad as you loved spending your time with her but she's growing up, separating from you is part of it.

JKDinomum · 05/12/2021 12:34

Just offering hugs, my 15 year old is the same. Expects hotel service and for me to drop everything and help her when she needs it. But shoes away from any physical affection and grunts when I say I love her. My policy is to keep on showing love even though she appears not to want it. And hope that as she gets older she will start to appreciate it again.

Warmduscher · 05/12/2021 12:35

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
Wtf?

I guarantee she will have forgotten every incident you record, and will see it as you having spent years building up resentments that you then want to dump at her door. What you’re proposing to do to her is abusive.

Fritilleries · 05/12/2021 12:37

I would be absolutely devastated if my mother had been so utterly selfish. How could you ever think that throwing past behaviour into someone else's face is ok? Get some therapy.

SSOYS · 05/12/2021 12:37

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
Good grief, this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fritilleries · 05/12/2021 12:39

@corblimeygov that was for you. Seriously, don't do what you're proposing. That would forever tarnish a relationship.

ThirdTimeLucky123 · 05/12/2021 12:40

Confused Hmm Shock

OP and corblimey
They are you daughters not your emotional support animals, back off and let them be

TLIMSISNW · 05/12/2021 12:42

That incident diary sounds awful. Why on Earth would you want to remind your child of their worst, most hurtful behaviour? Confused

ExquisitelyDecorated · 05/12/2021 12:42

Mine is doing the same to some extent and it is hurtful but I know she doesn't mean it unkindly. Occasionally I pull her up gently on how it makes me feel (if she mutters a throwaway thanks rather than a sincere one for example) and she takes it well and makes a bit more effort afterwards. Other than that I try and give her as much space as she needs and make the most of the times when she does want to talk or go somewhere together. Hang on in there.

lynntheyresexpeople · 05/12/2021 12:44

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
What the?! Please don't emotionally blackmail your child by keeping score of everything they did as a teenager. As some sort of learning exercise Incase she has a daughter?? That's years of therapy waiting to happen. Absolutely awful, I wouldn't speak to you for a very long time if you tried that shit with me. Narcissistic and borderline psychotic
FissionMailed · 05/12/2021 12:45

Do some parents forget their own teenage years when they get older?

I remember mine vividly.
All I wanted was.to be left alone.. that's it..
But my.oarents would barge in demand hugs, drag me places I didn't want to go, try to force me to do activities I didn't want to do. So on and so on..
All it did was breed fury and make me despise them all the more.

I've an 8 year old now, I hope I can take her wants into account, even if they're not in alignment with my own.

HollowTalk · 05/12/2021 12:46

@corblimeygov Are you serious about that incident log? Have you any idea how much damage it will do to your daughter if she realises you're making notes like that in order to give them to her later? Writing a diary yourself to get it out of your system is one thing (if it's password protected) but even thinking of giving it to her is really terrible.

Cam2020 · 05/12/2021 12:46

That must be so hurtful, but I agree with PPs that this is part of her development and she'll come back to you. I also agree you need to step back. The more needy you appear the more she'll pull back.