AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

[pigalow]

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’
I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

@FissionMailed

Do some parents forget their own teenage years when they get older?

I remember mine vividly.
All I wanted was.to be left alone.. that's it..
But my.oarents would barge in demand hugs, drag me places I didn't want to go, try to force me to do activities I didn't want to do. So on and so on..
All it did was breed fury and make me despise them all the more.

I've an 8 year old now, I hope I can take her wants into account, even if they're not in alignment with my own.

Yup I remember it being the same.

The last thing I wanted was to be seen in public with my parents.

@pigalow Your job as a parent is to teach her how to be an adult, both by being a role model for motherhood and as an adult woman, and by teaching her practical skills such as budgeting.
Its going to be hard for you to do that if no one did it for you. Please, go for counselling, and look at how you view relationships and maturity. Love isn't transactional. You risk damaging your relationship with her beyond repair.

@NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy

It's hard OP (I have two teens so I do know!) but you have to build your own life otherwise she'll run and never come back. Make plans to meet friends, take up a hobby, show her you have a life beyond her so she's not smothered.

@corblimeygov that's manipulative and abusive. Get therapy for yourself now so that you have a chance of a healthy future relationship with your dd.

I agree, I have been around MN for getting on 9 years and this is probably the most fucked up thing I have ever read.

I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel - good grief - what a very bizarre thing to do! And I should add somewhat unhealthy - why would you want to record her very normal teenage behaviour? - in order to throw it back in her face later? Very odd indeed.

I had 3 DDs and so have been through the teenage girl years 3 times; it will pass. They need to know you love them; slip that in at every turn. They will shrug their shoulders at it, but in reality it is really all they need to hear. Mine are delightful and charming young adults now and I am very proud of them all.

It seems that they need to reject mother to a degree in order to emerge as fully fledged adults who can then relate to you in a different way. Your DD will not be the cuddly wee girl she was because she is growing up into something new..... something special.

Bide your time and let her have space.

She's 14. Nobody wants to snuggle with their Mum at that age. She knows everything. In her eyes, you are old, you know nothing, you are cringey and uncool. All teenagers are like this. My DD was the queen of the eyeroll at this age. Take a step back. Don't let her be rude though - putting earphones in when you're talking, for example, is a piss take. If she's really rude, then you tell her to pay for her own nails. My DD is 23 now, and we have a great relationship. This will pass, honestly.

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.

Oh my god!!!!

@corblimeygov . No part of this is ok. It’s not ok to think this way.

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.

I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day

This is so fucking awful. It sounds like you relish the thought of making her cry. Your poor daughter.

Throw away/burn the diary @corblimeygov

OP, in the nicest way possible, you really need to stop being so needy and smothering. She's a teenager. She doesn't want to be cuddled up with her mum on the sofa like she did when she was little. She's behaving completely normally - that urge she has to detach from you is her natural instinct.

Don't you remember being a teenager? Stop crying and pull yourself together. Your DD is growing up. One day she's going to need to be able to cope on her own without you there and this process of detachment that all DC go through is a part of her survival instinct so she can do that.

Don't you have any friends you can have lunch and go shopping with? If the answer is 'No', you need to make an effort to have a life outside of your role as 'Mum' or things are only going to get worse when your DD flies the nest. And the more you smother her, cry and act in such a needy way, the sooner that date is likely to come.

OP, I think YABU to take it so personally, though I know it's hard not to. It's not going to be a permanent state of affairs, I agree with the idea of doing less for her and not letting her take you for granted, as that's something she has to learn to if she's to becomes that adult she thinks she needs to reject you to be.

@DeadoftheMoon is exactly right.

Back off. She needs to develop her sense of self as an independent young person, not as your child. Her friends will become far more important to hewr than you, and that's normal, healthy and to be expected.

She will also take out negative feelings on you that she doesn't feel safe enough to express elsewhere. It's horrible, it's heart breaking and it's part of the job of parenting. While she negotiates the choppy waters of adolescence, you are her safe harbour where she can vent frustrations and hurt. It's not personal, and it does get better. (that's not to say she can be abusive towards you, just that you'll get the lion's share of the moaning, sulking and bad moods)

She's not your friend, she's not your emotional support, she's your growing daughter trying to carve out some independence for herself. Give her space.

And if all else fails, get a kitten if you need someone to cuddle.

In the olden days they had stories of changelings, babies taken from their cradles and replaced with grumpy goblin children. These days it isn’t babies that get replaced, it’s adolescents. 13 to 18, then they are returned, probably because the goblin parents cant stand the music.

Sorry OP but you sound very needy and self centred. You have described how a perfectly developmentally healthy teenager behaves, but you're making it all about you. It's hurtful, I've been there, I am still there, but that's what parenting teenagers is all about.

Of course there needs to be some behaviour expectations and she should never be rude to you, but I am sorry to say you're coming across as really suffocating and controlling. She needs to start detaching from you and forming her identity. You need to model boundaries, respect and unconditional love.

@ThirdTimeLucky123

OP and corblimey
They are you daughters not your emotional support animals, back off and let them be

This!

OP, you need to find your own interests and hobbies and let your daughter get on with her life. Suffocating her like you are will only lead to disaster. I know its hard, I've been through it with my son, but the best thing you can do is let her get on with her life and find her way in the world. She'll thank you for it in the long run and you'll get the closeness back eventually.

When she seems to behave rudely - e.g. putting her earphones in when you try to speak to her - I am guessing that she does not know how else to defend herself against the love-bombing, and against your demands.

To see you crying as she goes through this entirely normal developmental phase is very damaging to her.

Let her go, then welcome the new person back when she has passed this phase.

I do think you are being somewhat needy - which is hard for you if that is how you are feeling - but she cannot be burdened with that; it is your problem to solve. Sorry to sound hard, as I feel your pain; but the present situation cannot continue for both your sakes.

It’s entirely normal, you need to give your DD space.

All part of growing up.

YABU
As so many have said, she is your daughter not your friend and I would imagine the number of teenagers wishing to hang out with their mothers going round the shops are scarce indeed.

OP she's your daughter not your emotional support, please take a step back or you'll push her away for good.

I do understand the challenge of avoiding being the "older friend" rather than Mum with a child you've previously had lots in common with - DS and I had shared a love of going to watch a number of sports for years and I well remember the time he said "nah thanks I'll go with my mates now" but that pang inside was well hidden from him. It's not personal, in fact it's a healthy life stage!

She is your daughter, not your best friend. Going shopping and out for lunch iare generally things to do with friends -hers and yours. As a special occasion, maybe, but not regularly.

What on earth is wrong with spending time doing these things with your daughter/mother?

And, please!

This 'making memories' stuff.

People should just do things because.

If memories are made then it's a bonus.

Life is not an Insta opportunity

op not come back,
yabu

this age is the very epitome of selfish behaviour,
give it time op

OP, it’s normal for teenagers to pull away from parents and want more independence. You can’t guilt trip her into snuggling on the couch with you with your tears.

I’m interested to know what your relationship with your own mother is like @pigalow ?

See your GP if you’re crying everyday. Perhaps you’d benefit from medication for your low mood. Try to develop some interests of your own and make some adult friends.

op has not come back, pretty much like a 14 year old,

DS is 5, but it occurred to me a while ago that the biggest thing about parenting is a constant letting go. You prepare and prepare and prepare for them to leave, and if they leave confidently and we’ll (and by leave, I don’t necessarily mean physically, I mean career, relationships etc. Leave the metaphorical womb, maybe?) then you’ve done a good job. Part of that preparing is shoring your own self up emotionally. So much of parenthood in the younger years is making your life about them - now you have to accept that it’s different.

I did this as a teen to both parents. My dad is dead but I’m relatively close to my mum now, on my terms. She’d like it to be more, but I can’t give it to her as she suffocated me as a teen. She used to say I was her best friend, but I didn’t need a friend, I had my own at that age. What I needed was a parental figure.

If you can relax and accept it’s a phase, she will come back to you.

Sounds like you got yourself a text book stroppy teen. She is separating herself her family and figuring out who she is - plus her hormones are raging - it’s all normal. She will come back, but in the meantime, detach a bit - it’s not about you. Keep being supportive, but insist on basic manners, chores done, communication on where she is via text. Do not allow yourself to become a mug - teens need space but there need to be boundaries beyond that.

Also - build up your life. While she will come round, it will be as a young woman not a little girl. You will have a much better relationship if you meet again as adults rather than expect her to be the centre of your life. Her current behaviour is a clue for you to begin to separate.