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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

305 replies

pigalow · 05/12/2021 09:52

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’
I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/12/2021 13:59

do you really give her all this money?
just why? Hmm

Original poster
pigalow · 05/12/2021 13:59

Thank you for answering. I do think there is a lot of truth in the advice that I'm coming across as too needy and that is why she ignores me. We had been very very close as my husband works away and there is a 15 year gap with my older daughter. I had a newborn and a toddler when she was a teen so I didn't really have time to notice if she was distant. My younger DD used to be a real homebody and I thought we'd be lucky and always be close. She has friends her own age too of course and dances but I thought that she would still also want to spend some time with me even if only say once a month.
I was always an only child and very close to my own mum and enjoyed cinema trips or shopping trips with her in school holidays. It seems that a lot of teenagers are less family orientated than they were in the past. Probably when there was one TV in the sitting room, one telephone in the hall and family say at a dining table to eat, there were fewer opportunities for blanking members if your own family.
I go think I need to take a step back. It is not really helpful to bail her out by doing her homework or revision cards as I can't do that at uni or when she has a job.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 05/12/2021 13:59

What on earth is wrong with spending time doing these things with your daughter/mother?
Absolutely nothing. But it shouldnt br forced or done because someone is guilting you.
The dd is being pretty typical and those mum and daughter times will come back. Putting gpressure on someone is tbe quickest way to cause resistance and resentment.

girafferafferaffe · 05/12/2021 14:00

@izalbum

She is your daughter, not your best friend. Going shopping and out for lunch iare generally things to do with friends -hers and yours. As a special occasion, maybe, but not regularly.

What on earth is wrong with spending time doing these things with your daughter/mother?

Nothing at all. Just at about 14-18, i was a total dick to my mum. (A lot of this was worsened by my dads behaviour however). When I got to about 17-18 I enjoyed spending time with my mum like this. Now? I love nothing more and love taking my dd too.
CoachBeardless · 05/12/2021 14:00

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
Wtf?!
MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/12/2021 14:01

of course you can help with her revision, no need to be so drastic

but if she wants money she needs to get a job surely?
otherwise you are just a cash cow, and she has no respect for you.

just back off, she will come to you when she wants something!

Starcup · 05/12/2021 14:05

Christa almighty, give the poor lass some space! And for the poster writing an ‘incident log’ that’s mental, it’s emotionally ‘getting her back’. Nuts.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/12/2021 14:07

She is a teenager, it's not her job to be your emotional support or provide you with affection on demand.

No good will come of you being so needy.

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 05/12/2021 14:08

YABU - it’s normal teenager behaviour. Don’t take it personally. Make sure your own emotional needs are being met with friends, partner, family.

Starcup · 05/12/2021 14:10

I’ll also add this, some of the mothers that smother their kids ‘smother mother’ and expect t their kids to want to spend all their time with them, sometimes do it be are they’ve got no one else.

They’ve got no friends, no family so when the kid gets older and no longer wants to spend time with their parents, the mother is pushed off because she’s got nothing else to do.

It’s not always an act of altruism, sometimes is selfishness on the mothers part….

Starcup · 05/12/2021 14:10

pissed off

Bunny2021 · 05/12/2021 14:12

I was a horrible teenager and after a day or two my mum and I couldn’t be in the same room together without shouting at each other. I’m now in my thirties and since my mid/late 20s we’ve had such a lovely relationship - I love going for lunch etc with her. It will take time - just let her know you’ll be there but give her space to find her own way.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 05/12/2021 14:12

Sorry but I disagree with a lot of others on here and feel some parents need to up their expectations.... Yes, teenagers can be arseholes. But open hostility and downright nastiness just isnt on.

The op does need to back off, but she also needs to have a frank chat about yhe fact her daughter is behaving like a spoilt brat...... It isn't an ok way to behave. And isnt the norm for all teenagers at all.

ChequerBoard · 05/12/2021 14:12

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.

Jesus - this is actually really emotional abusive. Your DD is not responsible for your feelings.

I suggest you stop this and burn the book as soon as possible unless your long term aim is for your DD to go no contact with you?

GreenWhiteViolet · 05/12/2021 14:13

That incident diary is really, really awful. Vindictive. If writing things down helps you, fine, but doing it with the intention of showing her later and making her cry is very nasty.

OP, one of the reasons teenagers tend to close off from their parents is that they're trying to become their adult selves. That means separating from the children they were. If one of my parents had mentioned 'making memories' and such to me at that age I'd have cringed so hard and probably been silent as an alternative to being overtly rude about it. It would have made the suggested activity seem inauthentic, whatever it was.

As an adult you realise that your older family members won't be around forever and so spending time with them while you can matters, but unless they have personal experience of loss, teenagers don't think that way.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/12/2021 14:17

Honestly @corblimeygov if I was your daughter that would make me run a mile. Please don't do this to her.

namename12 · 05/12/2021 14:17

I find it so odd how rude behaviour is condoned on MN. Whilst teenagers can be moody, it's not acceptable to tell someone to go away, roll your eyes, shout or swear at people etc (not all related to this thread) this isn't acceptable if someone is 5, 25 or 15. Maybe me and my parents have higher standards, but if I'd have been like that with my parents I would have been rightly pulled up on it, as are my teens if they show attitude but someone of the behaviours mentioned here are just not relatable to me as a parent or child because we wouldn't dare.

That said I do think you sound like you're smothering and she should have space, but I would pull her up on any direct rudeness. Age and hormones are not an excuse, she needs to learn that sooner rather than later.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 05/12/2021 14:21

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
Oh gosh don't do that! Your intention is surely good but that would be awful.
Original poster
pigalow · 05/12/2021 14:22

@namename12 I would pull her up for swearing or anything like that but a lot of it isn't direct rudeness but more an offhand disregard such as an ill mannered person might behave to a waiter or hotel employee. No eye contact or smile if there is a thank you, and often no acknowledgment of something done for her at all. It's like living with a very entitled empress. She has so much that a new item of clothing is greeted with a perfunctory ty text

OP posts:
Chikapu · 05/12/2021 14:25

@corblimeygov what are you hoping to achieve with your 'incident diary'? It seems like a good way to ensure your daughter wants nothing more to do with you to me.

namename12 · 05/12/2021 14:26

@pigalow sorry I realise that I was mostly addressing the posters who seem to think it's all acceptable, to be expected, normal etc to which I disagree and I think it does teens a disservice to be allowed to carry on like that.

But going back to you, would you tip a waiter who had served you sullenly? If your daughter isn't showing appreciation, it's time to reduce what it is you are doing be that gifts, house-stuff, until she learns gratitude.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 05/12/2021 14:28

Seriously op stop grovelling and begging for her approval. That shit would not fly in my house, and yes, my teens had awful moments. And yes, I had to back off.

But did I keep trying to buy their approval? Absolutely not. At her age she should at least be looking at getting herself a little job and growing up a bit. 😬

BiBabbles · 05/12/2021 14:32

It's normal to be sad at times as they grow up but you're taking it far too personally and as life changes, you need to shift how you're going about connecting with her and allow her to choose how she connects with you.

My teenagers and I have butted head sometimes as we all change, our schedules keep changing and we're all getting busier, and we have to refigure things out. Sometimes, that does mean I do less -- as a pp said, stop giving everything. We've long had a policy where I will help with school stuff as much as they put in because otherwise I get resentful & that's not fair on anyone - them or me. As they do more things on their own, I'm working to find more of my own things too.

Really, what's worked for me is not looking at all day possibilities, but things in an afternoon or an evening that I already enjoy, but they can dip in and out of - so once a week or so, we do multiplayer games for the one afternoon no one has an activity, the younger kids always take part, and sometimes the teens join in too. Same for walks, for trips to town I'll often say I'm going to be in town for X reason, do you want to meet up for Y? and send them a text at the time. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. It's more giving the option to take part in your wider life and taking that option if and when they give it to you.

Do some parents forget their own teenage years when they get older?

I think it's more they're trying to pre-empt some of the riskier things they did and/or they didn't have a very good example to go from their parents.

I'm mostly in the latter category and fully admit to winging everything - my poor guinea pig eldest and I have had discussions on that. My parents were too busy still acting like stereotypical teenagers to parent to the point I now look at my teenagers and their baby faces & struggles and get really pissed off how I was left to flounder because my parents wanted to party, but I have to temper that desire to not let my kids go through with allowing them to become independent and start choosing how they want to connect with me. It can be hard sometimes, but at least I'm not making shame diaries. I'm not even doing the classic curse of 'may you have a child just like you' which was very popular among adults when I was growing up.

Violetparis · 05/12/2021 14:33

If my daughter treated me with such rudeness and distain I wouldn't be handing out money to her or pandering to her. I don't understand why teenagers get a totally free pass by some parents to be disrespectful and entitled. I know it can be a normal part of teenage behaviour but you don't have to be a doormat.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/12/2021 14:37

@Seeline

She is your daughter, not your best friend. Going shopping and out for lunch iare generally things to do with friends -hers and yours. As a special occasion, maybe, but not regularly.

She is growing up, it is natural for her to need you less. Until she needs you, and then as a parent you step up.

I think they do tend to gradually come back.

I do these things with my teenage dds and I am very much a mother . OP I wonder if she is feeling low about something ? How old is she now, 17 ? Some teenagers do retreat but many do not . Sometimes it can be due to anxiety or stress about exams, university, relationships. It can be due to drug use, all kinds of things. In your case OP perhaps she is unhappy and/or overwhelmed by school ? This has been such a tough time for young people, does she have a nice friendship group ?