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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

305 replies

pigalow · 05/12/2021 09:52

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’
I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

OP posts:
HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 13:07

Doesn’t everyone do this? Not really on written form but to some extent verbally. Whether you’re grassing up your own child over Sunday tea for staying at a boys house and lying about it when grannie will pipe in with “I remember when you snuck that youngest McLeod boy in the window and had him in your room all night” making you look like a hypocritical tit. Or you give your child the “how many fucking times do I have to tell you not to play in the fucking quarry!!” For them to announce that some school pals grannie has told them all about how we were always getting up to no good.

ElectraBlue · 05/12/2021 13:10

'I cry most days'...this sounds really over the top.

Your daughter is growing up and teenagers need to develop their own identity and start detaching from their parents.

You cannot expect her to remain a clingy child forever.

Allsorts1 · 05/12/2021 13:11

OP it sounds sad and I sympathise but you’re being needy and you need to give her space. You sound a bit like my friends Mum who is now emotionally blackmailing her adult daughter with tales of abandonment and loneliness because she didn’t cultivate an adult life or relationships of her own - it’s a lot of pressure to put on your daughter. Find a friend your own age to do shopping trips with and give her some space, and please don’t let her see you CRY! So much emotional guilt for her. Just let her be a stroppy teenager and provide a safe base for her to spread her wings from.

notacooldad · 05/12/2021 13:12

They've got to go away to come back!
They need to subconsciously learn that they are ok without you while they find their own tribe and their own way of doing things.
It is perfectly normal.
Dont over compensate with buying things. That won't get you anywhere.
Stay loving, stay happy no whinging about how it used to be, keep boundaries in place and before you know it, well in a couple of years, usually late teens, you two should be back on track.

I have seen this with so many teenage girls that I have worked with over the years.
Keep lines of communication and you will have much more than a daughter but a good friend who will want your advice and enjoy your company.
Be patient!

milkysmum · 05/12/2021 13:13

I have a 13 year old daughter, she is like this most of the time too. I'm sure I was the same as a young teenager also. I just remind myself that this time will pass, it's not personal ( although I know it feels it sometimes ).
If you are crying daily about this though then there may be more going on for you? Do you suffer from low mood generally? Might be worth focusing on improving this?

notacooldad · 05/12/2021 13:14

One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day
Oh.My.God!!
That is messed up!!

Fireatseaparks · 05/12/2021 13:15

OP, honest to god, the last thing a 14 year old needs is a crying mother trying to touch her all the time ('big cuddles') and have 'girls days' she laaaahhhves me and don't I laaahhhvvvve her too!?

The 'incident diary' poster who is going to record all of her daughter's transgressions and show her to them to teach her a lesson is worse though, so at least you're not her I guess.

CarrotSticks19 · 05/12/2021 13:16

It honestly amazes me how unprepared some parents are for their children to become teenagers

Starting an incident diary of your teenagers behaviour is like starting a diary of everytime your baby shat themselves and you didn't want to have to change their nappy. Teenagers pushing their parents away is a normal part of development, maybe not something that is particularly fun for their parents but is a necessary part of growing up.

And yes of course you should have your 13/14 year old eith their schoolwork. Again this is a normal part of parenting. She's very young to be doing gcses, and I would expect parents to provide some assistance with a child's first major exams.

She is your daughter, not your friend. Her sole function is not to make you happy and provide you with company.

SSOYS · 05/12/2021 13:16

Completely agree with @notacooldad. I’d also add go easy on yourself- it’s natural to feel sad. But it would be sadder if she didn’t go through this phase and didn’t develop her own identity and independence.

SpindlesWinterWhorl · 05/12/2021 13:17

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
That's the sort of thing my mother would do, after reading my diary and throwing my stuff in the bin because reasons.

I really, really wouldn't do this.

girafferafferaffe · 05/12/2021 13:17

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
...... I just can't imagine a time where this would seem to be a good idea?!
CPL593H · 05/12/2021 13:19

Keeping a diary of your teenagers misdemeanours and handing it to them in adulthood is a terrible, terrible idea.

OP, you sound like you love her a lot. Make sure she knows you're there if she needs you and back off a bit. You will hopefully have many decades more of being her parent and that future will be informed to a degree by how you handle the transition to adulthood that is happening now. Think back to how you were at the same age and what if felt like and what would have helped you unlimited clothes and makeup budget aside.

Rangoon · 05/12/2021 13:22

OP, be less obliging. You creeping around on eggshells to be nice to her means that she knows she can be as unpleasant as she likes. Just be a bit cooler - don't drop everything to be helpful. Don't rush to greet her when she returns from school. You can nod in passing if you happen to see her. Don't attempt to hug her or persuade her to go shopping with you. Do shopping and lunch on your own or drag your husband for the lunch. Do not let her see you cry - it gives her an exaggerated view of her importance in the general scheme of things. It will do her good to be a little less sure of wholehearted acceptance of her ungracious behaviour.

roundtable · 05/12/2021 13:24

Take a step back op. For your own and your daughter's sake. Use the opportunity to start to develop your own hobbies and friendships. It sounds like this is to do with more than your daughter if you are crying all the time. Is there anything else going on?

The incident book genuinely shocked me, I'm glad it wasn't just me. I think (hope) that poster's intentions were not malicious but I'm hoping from this thread they throw that book away. No good will come from it.

Weegiewtf · 05/12/2021 13:27

Yabu to some extent. It’s hard letting go and accepting the change in relationship from parent and child to parent and adult child. I really do appreciate your struggle with that but she’s not your little girl anymore she’s a young autonomous woman.

I don’t say this to be rude but your post sounds very needy and your teen is probably picking up on that. No one wants a clingy mum.

My teen is going through similar and I thought it best to leave her to it. She comes for hugs more now I’ve given her space and she has started talking to me again when she needs to but she needs to develop as an individual and we as parents have to allow them the time and space to do that.

She will come back to you if you don’t push too hard but she’ll do it in her own time not yours. It’s about what she needs and wants right now and you have to respect that.

Squidthing · 05/12/2021 13:30

She needs to separate from you - it's a growing up thing. Give her space, find stuff and people to be with and to go shopping with and she will come back to you - but on more adult terms.

GreenLunchBox · 05/12/2021 13:32

This is why you should have had boys, OP Grin
I do not recognise this as 'normal teenage behaviour'

namechange30455 · 05/12/2021 13:33

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
Please don't do this, unless you want her to never speak to you again.
DeadoftheMoon · 05/12/2021 13:33

I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better

The change has to come in you, not her. This rejection is nothing towards what she'll be capable of in her thirties!

So, what do you do?

First, you stop crying.

Second, stop giving her 'everything', make a reasonable budget and a plan outlining reasonable behaviour (yours and hers) and stick to it. You don't have to share the plan with her, it's to help you put in place some reasonable boundaries.

Third, sort out your own life. Try new things. Revisit things you used to enjoy before you were her mum. Discover who you are now.

We don't help our dds by being too dependent on them. If you are strong, and can live without their closeness if you have to, she will have more respect for you. Gradually, she can learn that you are a person, an adult with your own life, not just 'Mum'.

You can't 'buy' love. Not with time, not with attention, not with money or goods. You just can't. All you can do is realise that you don't actually need it and that you have done your absolute best.

The experience she has/is having as your child is not exactly the same as the experience you hope she is having. She comes at it from a different starting point, has different life experience, different needs, and is just beginning to sense that she has some agency in her own life. Who does she have to kick back against - who is the person she trusts enough to be able to do that - well, that's you.

Ah, I'm old and wise. I've been on this path for twenty-five years or so. I have a magnificent, loving, generous dd - and one of the best things I can do to support her is to look after myself a bit and not make her the centre of my universe. Be your own King Arthur, OP. Save yourself. The rest will fall into place.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 05/12/2021 13:35

have a magnificent, loving, generous dd - and one of the best things I can do to support her is to look after myself a bit and not make her the centre of my universe. Be your own King Arthur, OP. Save yourself. The rest will fall into place

Wow, I love this! I shall be my own King Arthur! Definitely great advice on here, OP.

SSOYS · 05/12/2021 13:35

Be your own King Arthur, OP. Save yourself. The rest will fall into place

This is lovely Smile

Iamkmackered1979 · 05/12/2021 13:37

Is this your first teen? I have 4, and it’s not unusual I was there for them but used the time to do some stuff for myself and let them spread their winGs, you need to be there but stop suffocating her. Make sure boundaries are laid down re rules. But back off, stop crying and realise she is her own person not your best friend and shopping partner.

Your post is mostly about you, how you feel, how you’re sad and crying there is very little about your daughter except negativity tbh
Find out what she’s into, how does she dress, what music does she listen to, who are her friends etc teens are v difficult! However they do mellow and come back, 20 year old was a bloody horror but lovely now and 16 year old is just argh but hopefully he’ll come back to me soon too. And I’ve still to go through it twice more.

trumpisagit · 05/12/2021 13:37

@GreenLunchBox
I think I slightly different version of this is pretty normal for Boys. They still need to push you away as part of becoming independent.
I just offered to help my 14 year old with his an email (he has previously said he would like me to look at it for email etiquette and grammar as it is important).
He said "Not now. Please! I am busy"

He is sooooo not busy, but I have left him alone and will wait for him to ask, which will inevitably be late at night, or when I am busy.

AllyBama · 05/12/2021 13:39

OP - I feel for you but as PP have said, this isn’t personal, and you just need to be her mum right now and not her friend. The lunches and closeness will come back around, don’t smother her now.

@corblimeygov that is COLD and quite fucked up do you realise?

Beamur · 05/12/2021 13:39

In the nicest way possible OP, pull yourself together.
She's your DD not your bestie. Be her parent not her friend.
Teens do often pull away from parents and bond more closely with their peers. Totally normal.
Make sure you have a life of your own that doesn't just revolve around her.
Still be loving and supportive, but let her go and grow up a bit.
Parenting is long haul. She still needs you and loves you.

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