AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

[pigalow]

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’
I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

I have managed to arranged our children, in a way that we will have four teenagers in the house for two years! That will be an interesting time.

At the moment I have a 15yo DD and a 13yo DS (plus two younger DC)

I think of my 15yo DD as a deer. Quick to startle and dislikes any human interactions. I offer hugs which are rejected and that is fine, I want her to know she has control over who touches her. She spends most of her time in her room too.

But occasional she sits next to me and I stroke her back or her hair and I don't talk to her and just enjoy the moment.

Sometimes she will come for a car ride and I will let her link her phone to the car and we all listen to her spotify playlists.

I tell them all that I love them, I want them to know that. I get rolled eyes at that one, lol.

My 13yo DS will hug me, if we are in a room alone but ignore me otherwise. Likewise he spends most of his time in his room.

The only thing I insist on, is that they must speak to me nicely and they must do their family jobs when reminded. We are working on these, especially with my DS!

I do feel very sad that they are growing apart from us in some ways but I know this is a natural stage and hopefully they come back to us as they get older.

We just have to swallow our hurt feelings and love them.

This is interesting. I have just posted in another section and said that teenagers go through this kind of behaviour or process as part of growing up.
There were posts galore from a lot of posters disagreeing with me stating that the teen years are when kids need to be close to be hugged, loved, included in everything with and supported by their parents and know they're there and with them at all times.

Yet you, and most parents have the experiences that you are describing. Headphones, sitting in their rooms, shrugging, eye rolling, uninterested in much going on at home, out with friends etc etc.
What you describe sounds quite upsetting and difficult for you OP. It's hard to believe that the adorable, loving child you have poured all of your love into for so many years almost changes into someone you don't recognise anymore. It does pass OP, and they do come out of the 'other side' of the journey of growing up (usually)

Hang on in there OP, just keep doing what you're doing. It'll pass.
Don't pay too much mind to folk who suggest otherwise. You usually find people that state otherwise, are doing so to fit another agenda or narrative.

You're a brilliant mum, she knows that deep down in all of this. It'll all turn out OK.

@MadCattery

The Cat Years

by Adair Lara

I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate - teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts it's head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then, around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry -- then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings.

Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.

Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you." Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

This is brilliant and so true.

@corblimeygov

Well here I am. Can't say I was expecting the responses but have read them all . To me, it's odd that so many of you think so one person can be mean and spiteful and make me so upset but it must just be swept under the carpet as my feelings obviously don't matter. Well ok , I'll take your comments onboard an ditch my feelings book.

And a classic "I'm just the victim here you are all so meeeeeeeannnnnnn" response of the closet manipulator.

Happens with boys too although mine was never particularly obnoxious.
Prime example this week.
When he was little we used to go to the panto every year. We stopped when he decided it was ‘childish and boring’. Even though I absolutely adored it was a lovely family tradition, he had grown out of it, naturally.
But he’s now away at university and messaged this week to ask if we could go to the panto whilst he is back for Christmas and can his girlfriend come too. He said ‘I don’t know why we stopped going, I always loved it’!! Ahh the selective memory of those late childhood / early teenage years. I suppose they’re a kind of survival instinct. I’ve blocked out what a total nightmare I was at that age too!
This is obviously a mild example but I can feel the beginnings of him coming back to us but as an adult now. It’s lovely. Not sure the panto will live up to his memories but we’re going!! 🤣

@corblimeygov

Do you know what, I came on this thread to empathise with the OP as I too have been in her shoes. I now feel throughly depressed and am questioning my judgment on everything . Well thanks a lot you judgmental bunch of sanctimonious people. I won't be back.

Snort.

Translated as : Notice ME notice ME notice ME.  That's the emotional blackmail box ticked too then. You are really not doing much to dispel the horror at your initial fucked up post @corblimeygov

Haven't read the thread but OP be assured, your future grandchildren will be your karma. One day your DD will come back and be a delightful human you'll enjoy being around again, then she'll have her own child and you can smile when she's whinging to ya about her kids doing exactly what she is now! Honestly, it's beautifully satisfying stay strong!

I also had an absolute nightmare of a teen... he's still in the 'phase' and i don't really like him at the moment
Rude
Entitled
Selfish

But here we are.... you've got to grit your teeth

@Worrysaboutalot just wanted to say I appreciate how you give your children space but are always there and welcoming whenever they feel like coming back 😊 I think that's so important for teens going through this stage.

In your shoes I’d do a bit less for her, be a bit less accommodating

Like any relationship in life, you get more respect if you don’t try too hard to be liked. Trying hard to be liked comes across as needy.

Few people respond well to yo neediness

It’s important your life isn’t entirely built on the people you love, it’s good to have outside interests, friends, career, sport, anything else that makes you “you”

About asking her things to do (make you a tea when you are in bed poorly) I’d be disappointed by her reply and would also tell her do. Not that she owes it to you as a mum, but she should not really talk to anyone like that.

@pigalow I was just wondering how you are feeling today?

I think you've had a bit of a hard time from some posters. MN is a minefield sometimes, I think if one or two give a shitty response then everyone tends to pile on saying similar. I really don't believe that you're in the minority feeling hurt by how your daughter is being.

Thank you @ILoveHuskies. Not too bad today. Back at work so less time at home to get in each others' way and on each others' nerves!! I think I put too many expectations on holidays and weekends and then get disappointed. She sometimes comes up with ideas (Christmas film jar like an advent calendar) and then we end up not doing them and I feel a big let down and think 'Well it was your idea' Maybe she's only been saying these as a way of placating me! We have started watching some box sets in the past and then never watch more than 1 or 2 episodes and then I'm not sure whether to just watch the rest myself or wait til she has another free evening. I think I'm a great planner and she's not like that as a typical teen.

This tiktok about enmeshment came up today and feels relevant. vm.tiktok.com/ZM8W7DQED/

You are way too reliant on your daughter to fulfill your emotional needs. It’s not her job!!

You are lonely and unfulfilled in skme way and you’re looking for yioue daughter to stop
You from feeling this way.

You need to debelop your own sense of self and learn to regulate your emotions way better

"I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc."

I wouldn't be giving her any of that if she is behaving rudely and acting entitled. You are teaching her that she can have whatever she wants however she behaves to others.

You’re also being quite transactional in your giving - ie I will do this for you but in return I expect you to do this. And often you are referring to wanting chef to look after you and comfort you - that’s not her role.

(A lot of the comments on here also reflect this transactional approach which is dysfunctional)

@MadCattery excellent. This really resounds with me.

@pigalow

Thank you *@ILoveHuskies*. Not too bad today. Back at work so less time at home to get in each others' way and on each others' nerves!! I think I put too many expectations on holidays and weekends and then get disappointed. She sometimes comes up with ideas (Christmas film jar like an advent calendar) and then we end up not doing them and I feel a big let down and think 'Well it was your idea' Maybe she's only been saying these as a way of placating me! We have started watching some box sets in the past and then never watch more than 1 or 2 episodes and then I'm not sure whether to just watch the rest myself or wait til she has another free evening. I think I'm a great planner and she's not like that as a typical teen.

Glad you're feeling a bit better Re the box sets - watch them by yourself. You might find that she notices you're watching them without her and comes to join you so she doesn't miss out

Just try and be a bit more breezy in your interactions. Like you aren't fussed either way. While still making it clear you love her and are there if needed.
I was talking to some friends with older dc yesterday about this and that was their exact advice.

I've already commented but I just want to add to this thread.
While I agree that you do appear needy I understand your upset.
Just to let you know that I have several friends who have daughters ( I have sons) and I have worked with many families where there is conflict between teenage daughter and mum.

In every case I can think of (even in fostering case where there is upset between foster mum and child) by late teens everything has been resolved and relationships are great. It's great to see them doing things together, posting ' to the best mum, love you' on fb etc.
What's got them through is love and boundaries.
The mothers are challenging bad behaviour and rudeness but also not putting pressure on to be their friend. Family time does happen but it's not forced.
By the time they are 17, 18 usually normal service is resumed. However the boundaries need to be in place and they need to be consistent.This is letting them know what your standards are,how you are spoken to for example and sticking to it.
It's the lack of consistency I have found ( working with families) that causes problems.
It's a fine balancing act and can be hard to get right all the time but hang in there!!

@notacooldad great post

@Bunnyfuller

Just back from a day taking my 15 yr out ‘to cheer her up’. As usual, it didn’t, and we spent an hour in Cambridge in the bitter weather, racing around because she doesn’t like ‘looking at things’. The trip was her idea. She’s come home and disappeared without a word of thanks. An hour there and back, a silent lunch and I’m knackered.

In a sick way it’s nice to know I’m not Ali e, but Lord, why do they have to be so awful with it?

Hugs op

My dd is exactly the same. She even sits in the back seat of the car and only speaks to me to tell me to be quiet if I dare to sing along to the radio. Then we get home and she stomps off to her room. This is the thanks I get after I've taken time out to take her somewhere of her choosing and bought her clothes and dinner. I try not to do it too often now and when I do my expectations are very low. I need to take her Christmas shopping at the weekend which is doubly hard as Christmas shopping should be a happy time!

Agree with most other posters, give her time and she’ll come back to you.
You’ll have to think of the future a bit - what about when she goes to uni probably moving away - you need to cultivate more life for yourself.
I have a nearly out of teens DD who is away at uni, but I’mLucky as she likes cuddles and lunches out when home, although we have our own lives.
I couldn’t think of anything worse than that book of incidents. If my mum had done anything like that I would’ve gone mad - I can still remember some dickish things I did as a teen - I wouldn’t need a book to tell me!

@ThirdTimeLucky123

OP and corblimey
They are you daughters not your emotional support animals, back off and let them be

There is a rich seam of ‘I’m your daughter, not an emotional support animal’ merch to be mined here 😂. I’m imagining LARGE SIGNS TO HOLD IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE perhaps 🤔?

My dd year8, iced in her bedroom. I see her when she pops to the toilet before scuttling back in.
Remember being a teen / almost teen and not wanting to talk or watch boring adult tv