Page 6 | AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

pigalow · 2021-12-05T09:52:11+00:00

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’ I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

Bonbon21 · 05/12/2021 14:40

Well she is growing up... In her head she is already there. And you are disrespecting her boundaries.. and treating her like a child.
So treat her like an adult... as a flatmate.. which means she does her own laundry... shares the cooking and cleaning and shopping.
Oh she wont like it... but thats life as an adult... good practise for the future and lets her learn responsibility in a safe way.
You are not her best friend... you are not even her friend... you are her mother... now and always... she just has to learn that bit for herself.
She will come back... as an amazing young woman... and you will be proud of her.
X

Jumpalicious · 05/12/2021 14:43

I’d like @corblimeygov to come back and comment on the comments 😃 (& read the stately home threads!).

Good luck op. Entirely normal, healthy, human behaviour being displayed by your daughter. Teenage brains go through a huge amount of rewiring. To be expected.

ChinstrapBobblehat · 05/12/2021 14:44

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.

WTAF? An 'incident diary'?! The only person I know who'd pull this kind of spiteful, point-scoring shit is my DH's mother. She was (and still is) a bullying narcissist who's destroyed her relationships with virtually everyone she knows because of her pathological need to do exactly this sort of thing. And she'd present it, as you intend to, as some kind of wise, well-meant advice, when actually it would just be her way of exorcising the bile and vengefulness she'd been hanging onto for years.

She now lives alone and sees each of her sons for a few hours about twice a year. I'd reconsider that bed you're making for yourself, @corblimeygov, before you actually have to lie in it.

FFSFFSFFS · 05/12/2021 14:45

Stop making your poor teenage daughter responsible for your happiness and social life. Get your own interests and your own life.

Original poster

pigalow · 05/12/2021 14:46

@SirVixofVixHall Thank you for your message. I don't want to be needy but I was so looking forward to still doing fun things together but ones that are now a bit more 'adult.' I don't force her to do things and accept we have different interests. I love art galleries and museums but know they bore her to tears. She's 16 now and I know they've had a tough time with the lockdowns and uncertainties. I know that friends are so important at that age and us never expect her to miss out on something with friends. I'm just sad that even on the days she has free (no socialising with friends, no dance or school activity) she doesn't seem to want to do something with me. I had visions of shops, shoes, spas!

OP posts:

diddl · 05/12/2021 14:48

I think some families were more family orientated & some were thrown together with no escape!

I would say that I always got on with my Mum, but that didn't mean that I always wanted to be out & about doing stuff with her.

We always had family meals & a bit of chit chat about our day/something on the news & I have always done this with mine.

Preparing meals together/washing up afterwards rather than shopping trips/lunches out!

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 05/12/2021 14:49

This is what happens when people who have children think being their friend is the best way to approach raising them, rather than prioritising being a parent.

It’s not a child’s job to be responsible for your emotional well-being. It’s not their job to be your friend. The whole point of ‘parent’ is to prepare them to go out into the world - they’re supposed to detach.

Tackle the rudeness, deal with them being impolite, make sure that they join in with family time at appropriate times, let them learn the consequences of their actions - that’s your job. Not doing their homework for them and crying every day because they don’t want to be glued to you anymore.

And that incident diary? Holy hell. A therapist would have a fucking field day with that shit show.

Fritilleries · 05/12/2021 14:50

[quote pigalow]@SirVixofVixHall Thank you for your message. I don't want to be needy but I was so looking forward to still doing fun things together but ones that are now a bit more 'adult.' I don't force her to do things and accept we have different interests. I love art galleries and museums but know they bore her to tears. She's 16 now and I know they've had a tough time with the lockdowns and uncertainties. I know that friends are so important at that age and us never expect her to miss out on something with friends. I'm just sad that even on the days she has free (no socialising with friends, no dance or school activity) she doesn't seem to want to do something with me. I had visions of shops, shoes, spas! [/quote]
Please stop. She's a teenager. No teenager in their right mind willingly goes to a spa with their mother. Get a grip and have some coffee.

corblimeygov · 05/12/2021 14:52

Well here I am. Can't say I was expecting the responses but have read them all . To me, it's odd that so many of you think so one person can be mean and spiteful and make me so upset but it must just be swept under the carpet as my feelings obviously don't matter. Well ok , I'll take your comments onboard an ditch my feelings book.

titchy · 05/12/2021 14:54

I had visions of shops, shoes, spas!

Bloody hell OP she's 16 not 26 or 36! She's years and years away from wanting to go to spas with her old mother! Your expectations are way off.

ThatNameAgainItsMrPlow · 05/12/2021 14:59

@Jumpalicious

I’d like *@corblimeygov* to come back and comment on the comments 😃 (& read the stately home threads!).

Good luck op. Entirely normal, healthy, human behaviour being displayed by your daughter. Teenage brains go through a huge amount of rewiring. To be expected.

I Doubt they will be back. Too pig-headed. Although we can maybe expect a “My daughter has gone NC with me!” thread in a few years time from her.

FFSFFSFFS · 05/12/2021 14:59

What’s your relationship like then with your older daughter who - if anyone - would be the more likely to want to do a spa day?

girafferafferaffe · 05/12/2021 14:59

I had visions of shops, shoes, spas!

It'll happen at some point op.

ThatNameAgainItsMrPlow · 05/12/2021 15:00

Oops spoke too soon. At least she’s destroying the book

ExquisitelyDecorated · 05/12/2021 15:00

Sometimes you can be surprised. DH came home a while ago and announced that the local pub was restarting quiz evenings. DD's ears pricked up and she asked to go, they have been going together every week since.

SSOYS · 05/12/2021 15:02

@corblimeygov Ditching the book is the right thing to do. It’s not that your feelings don’t count, but that your DD’s normal teenage behaviour shouldn’t be held against her and writing it all down in a book is going to make her feel that it is (I also wonder whether writing it down is going to make it seem worse to you than it really is). Better to vent to your DP/a friend/on here if you need to.

KateInHappyland · 05/12/2021 15:03

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.

I agree with @theriverrunsthrough, why on earth would you do this?!

slashlover · 05/12/2021 15:04

@corblimeygov

Well here I am. Can't say I was expecting the responses but have read them all . To me, it's odd that so many of you think so one person can be mean and spiteful and make me so upset but it must just be swept under the carpet as my feelings obviously don't matter. Well ok , I'll take your comments onboard an ditch my feelings book.

Keep the book if it helps your feelings but DON'T give it to your daughter.

HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 15:04

@titchy

I had visions of shops, shoes, spas!

Bloody hell OP she's 16 not 26 or 36! She's years and years away from wanting to go to spas with her old mother! Your expectations are way off.

Exactly. Even at 35 I don’t want to be doing this with my mum. As a young teen my idea of socialising was to be off with my friends gossiping and bitching about how old and unfair my mum was not having her sit beside me while chatting up some lad from school on my Nokia. That hasn’t changed through the generations

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 05/12/2021 15:04

@ThatNameAgainItsMrPlow - I Doubt they will be back. Too pig-headed. Although we can maybe expect a “My daughter has gone NC with me!” thread in a few years time from her.

I think someone has made a bad decision in the throes of some ongoing painful experiences. Lets not laugh/sneer at her.

Smartiepants79 · 05/12/2021 15:05

@corblimeygov I don’t think it should be swept under the carpet. God knows what my girls will be like as teenagers but I know for a fact that neither me or my sister treated my mother like this. It would not have been tolerated. And yes we still have a close, positive and loving relationship….There are ways to gain independence without being cruel.
I don’t think it does our teenagers any favours to allow them to treat other people (especially family) like shit. Why shouldn’t they have to acknowledge the impact they have on other people? If they spoke to friends this way they’d be on their own pretty damn quick.
You keep your feelings book. Maybe one day sharing it will feel appropriate, maybe it’ll just be a place to vent for you.!

Original poster

pigalow · 05/12/2021 15:06

My older daughter lives a few hours away. We do nice things like theatre trips, dinner or afternoon tea when we do meet but with work and other commitments this isn't a weekly or fortnightly occurrence. Sometimes she visits and has other family members and in laws to catch up on too so we don't go out, just stay in.

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 05/12/2021 15:07

Well done for coming back corblimeygov
I wonder if your intention was to show her the journal as an example of how she behaved, how you felt, but how you still love her very much anyway? Hope so! Must agree with PPs though - let it go, she is learning how to be a separate person from you, and sometimes we don't get it all right first time. Forgiveness, where you lay down what hurt you and walk away from it is sensible and a wise thing to do. Carrying your resentment (the journal) is like carrying a hot coal and expecting the other person to feel the pain.

uhohspaghettiohh · 05/12/2021 15:08

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.

Please, don't do this. Just don't.

RantyAunty · 05/12/2021 15:10

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.

Good grief. Please don't do this. It's beyond cruel. Young girls have enough problems growing up in this cruel dangerous world without their own mother heaping it on. You'll embarrass and humiliate her and she'll likely hate you.