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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

305 replies

pigalow · 05/12/2021 09:52

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’
I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

OP posts:
violetskiss · 05/12/2021 12:46

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
… do not do that.

It’s weird.

A580Hojas · 05/12/2021 12:48

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
Please tell me this is a joke?
Isthatthebestyoucando · 05/12/2021 12:48

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
My Mother doesn’t forgive me for being a normal teenager either. I’m glad she’s hasn’t yet done something like that though.
ComDummings · 05/12/2021 12:49

Yikes OP and corblimey!
Some wise posters on this thread, please listen to them.

mamaoffourdc · 05/12/2021 12:49

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
This is an awful idea x
amylou8 · 05/12/2021 12:52

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
This is quite disturbing. Please don't do this.
YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 05/12/2021 12:53

OP, you need to back off. I was just like your daughter & the ‘hurt face’ and mournfulness my mother carried through my teen years just made me pull away even more. We’re fine 20 odd years later but my god, I had to put boundaries in. I didn’t and do not want to be her friend - she is my (lovely, now) mum.

And @corblimeygov I think it would take a very very long time for me to recover if my mother did that.

Shallwegoforawalk · 05/12/2021 12:53

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
ShockShockShock Jesus fucking Christ do NOT do this!!!

How awful. Years of "you did this, you caaaaaaahhhh" kept for posterity. One way to guarantee a fractured relationship for EVER.

Tobchette · 05/12/2021 12:53

@corblimeygov I thought my mother was nuts but you take it to the next level and frankly I'm quite worried about your daughter having to live with that amount of crazy

HighlandPony · 05/12/2021 12:54

I think it’s unreasonable to get to an age where you have a teenage child and not know this is just how teenagers are. Particularly girls. She will grow out of it. Then she will have daughters of her own and be posting on mumsnet about them, your mum likely had the same feelings about you. I know mine was forever moaning about us in the pub that she worked in or at the hairdressers or to anyone that would listen. We just have internet.

theriverrunsthrough · 05/12/2021 12:54

I think @corblimeygov daughter will soon be appearing on the Stately home threads Grin

ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 05/12/2021 12:55

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
Shock

Wow, that’s petty. You want to shame her when she’s an adult, never let her get away from her teenage years.
If my mum did that I’d go NC

Libertaire · 05/12/2021 12:56

It’s called growing up and it’s completely normal. Back right off and give her space, and also stop pandering to her when she expects you to run around after her. Independence works both ways.

WhatDidISayAlan · 05/12/2021 12:58

She’ll be back. I wasn’t a nightmare teenager, but I do remember a period of 14-18 years old when a shopping and lunch day would have been my idea of hell. Then the switch tripped back and that’s just what we liked. Unfortunately she died when I was 23 - what I wouldn’t give for a lunch out or a schlep round the garden centre now.

Be kind to yourself. Don’t pander to her, don’t suffocate her, just be her mum. She’ll come out the other side soon enough.

Meowenstein · 05/12/2021 12:58

This reply has been deleted

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Motnight · 05/12/2021 12:59

Take a step back and let her get on with it. As others said your dd will come back to you. My dd was fairly awful and distant with me for about 6 years. I chose my battles. She's in her 20s now, living in her own rented flat and chooses to visit at least once a week ❤️

headinthecloudsnow · 05/12/2021 13:01

It's normal. I was made to feel as though my teenage years/behaviour was abnormal. It definitely wasn't (standard teenage stuff)... but I was smothered and wasn't allowed to do anything like even have my hair cut or pierce my ears. This made me back off even more and I spent most of my twenties thinking I wasn't normal and was a dreadful teenager. The emotional blackmail and baggage that was placed on my young shoulders has affected my relationship with my mother right up until adulthood. I keep her at arms length. Phyically and emotionally!

Just let her be OP. Like a PP said, just keep reminding her you love her and are there if she needs you.

RightOnTheEdge · 05/12/2021 13:03

@corblimeygov

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day. Stay strong . It will end. Eventually.
Please say you are joking! How would you feel if someone wrote down everything they thought you had done wrong for years and then handed it to you? And all your feelings? That is a terrible thing to do to your daughter! Shock
Summersnake · 05/12/2021 13:03

None of mine were like this at all
But then I’ve 4 dc ,so I wouldn’t of had the time to fuss and faff round one of them.
Stop being so needy
Remember she needs you ,more than you need her
Crack on with your life ,and don’t show your bothered ,as it gives her power

MatildaIThink · 05/12/2021 13:03

The more you push her, the more you will push her away. She is a teenager, she needs to figure herself out, to get an understanding of who she is, give her time.

Tee20x · 05/12/2021 13:04

Why are you crying most days about this? That doesn't appear normal. Like others said they're your children - the whole point is for them to grow up and become more independent - not your best mates for life to go shopping with all the time etc.

Don't you remember how it was with your own parents? Surely at the age of 15 all you wanted to do was be with your friends, listen to music etc.

SanFranBear · 05/12/2021 13:04

Bloody hell - that incident diary idea? Confused

I do similar but put a positive spin on it - every night, I write the thing which has made me happiest that day in a little pocket diary by my bed.. it is very often DC related but is also about my life in general. That way, even on bad days, just before I sleep I ensure I think of something nice, happy and positive. Also, I will never show my DC these despite it being the polar opposite of corblimeyguv's plan... because its personal and is about how I feel right now..

Maybe try and do something similar, OP - I expect there is more joy in your life than you think and also helps put bad days behind you.. Flowers for you!

Smartiepants79 · 05/12/2021 13:05

Mine are not quite at this stage yet but my 2 pennies worth is -
Stop doing loads for her unless she specifically asks and is nice about it.
I think it’s ok to at least sometimes make it clear when she’s crossed a line. Independence is one thing. Utter rudeness is another. Blanking you etc is just not ok. Your a person who should be treated with the same level of respect as any one else in her life. Does she blank her father/grandparents/teachers?? If not then why should she do it to you?

Summersnake · 05/12/2021 13:06

An incident diary to give her when she’s older 😮
Wtf am I reading
There are some cruel fuckers on here and no mistake

NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy · 05/12/2021 13:06

It's hard OP (I have two teens so I do know!) but you have to build your own life otherwise she'll run and never come back. Make plans to meet friends, take up a hobby, show her you have a life beyond her so she's not smothered.

@corblimeygov that's manipulative and abusive. Get therapy for yourself now so that you have a chance of a healthy future relationship with your dd.