AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

[pigalow]

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’
I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

Give her space and let her grow up, get your own life back on track. And you dont have to be quite so responsive to her needs and wants you know. Fine to say "no you should have asked sooner" or "not now" or "actually that's not convenient for me" sometimes. And make sure she pulls her weight round the house. No use acting like a doormat and getting upset when she wipes her feet on you.

‘What’s the point of family if you’re not friends?’ There is no point. Peoples selfish choice to reproduce does not mean the children owe anyone anything. Don’t stifle or beg your child for attention.

@corblimeygov that’s great you’re going to question your judgement on everything, please, please do.

Yabu. Yes you are being selfish I'm afraid. You don't help her to get help back or companionship. I get you had a lovely relationship before and that this is hard for you but she's a teen now. She's trying to be independent of you. She'll come back but only if she feels loved. You are forcing love out of her.

@pigalow

I am really saddened that so many people think most young adults aren't close to their families and just want to get away. What is the point of family if the members aren't friends and support each other? I do believe this is a particularly western capitalist mindset and not shared by other cultures and societies.

@pigalow it’s a PHASE. Your dd will be back and close to you again eventually. But the more you persist with closeness now, the more she will resist.

It’s your job as a parent to raise an independent adult. Would you want her still living at home with mummy at the age of 30? She’s practicing for spreading her wings and finding her own identity.

As for the money - it always amazes me on MN when people say their teen should find a job. Firstly it’s really difficult for 15/16 year olds to find part time/Saturday jobs. And secondly the demands of GCSEs are high especially with lost teaching due to Covid. I would suggest rather than doling out money all the time, give your dd a set amount each month, whatever you feel you can afford. It will teach her to budget. Maybe she could do a bit of babysitting if you know people with younger children?

@JustDanceAddict

Agree with most other posters, give her time and she’ll come back to you. You’ll have to think of the future a bit - what about when she goes to uni probably moving away - you need to cultivate more life for yourself. I have a nearly out of teens DD who is away at uni, but I’mLucky as she likes cuddles and lunches out when home, although we have our own lives. I couldn’t think of anything worse than that book of incidents. If my mum had done anything like that I would’ve gone mad - I can still remember some dickish things I did as a teen - I wouldn’t need a book to tell me!

Agree with this.

@pigalow remember when your dc were small and you craved some time to yourself? Now’s the time to do that. My youngest dd is 14.5 and currently in this phase and has become more pronounced recently. She doesn’t want to come out with dh and I at the moment so we go out by ourselves and do what we want to do! A walk, cinema, coffee in Starbucks. We go out separately with friends too. Nice to have the freedom to do that without worrying about who will babysit. See it as a positive.