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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Suitable punishment for lying about where she is

256 replies

jackstini · 30/10/2021 19:21

Dd is 15 (16 in March)

Few weeks ago we had an issue with her being out in a city, then a park until about 11 then stayed at a friend's house, where we've let her stay before

Issue is she had told us she was at a different friend's and only admitted where she had been when really pushed (& I had screenshots of her phone location)

We grounded her for a couple of weeks (ended up being 3 as she caught Covid)

She's gone to a friend's tonight, for a Halloween sleepover. Her phone says she's there but a friend of mine thinks she's just seen her in a tram going into town

Not answering phone (although iPhone says it is at friend's house) Best friend not answering hers either. Mum at the house she's staying at not answering text

Ideas please on WWYD now...

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2021 19:23

Go to the friends house, right now.

MissyB1 · 30/10/2021 19:30

Is the mum definitely there? Did you have any communication with the mother about the girls plans? I would explain to your dd that because she has lied before that you now need to check out every plan she makes.
For this evening I would go over and see if the mum or the girls are there.

Insertfunnyname · 30/10/2021 19:32

I would pop over to check. Is there anything she’s forgotten you can go under the excuse of popping it in to her?

dancemom · 30/10/2021 19:48

I would go there too also

IAAP · 30/10/2021 19:50

Go to the friends house now

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2021 19:50

@Insertfunnyname

I would pop over to check. Is there anything she’s forgotten you can go under the excuse of popping it in to her?
She doesn't need an excuse. She's a minor child's mother wanting to know where she is.
Cascais · 30/10/2021 19:50

Turn off phone locator

Original poster
jackstini · 30/10/2021 19:56

Friend texted back to say they were in McDonalds but I've been to the one nearest us and she's not. DH has texted friend saying 'that's strange because we're in there and you're not...'

The mum has texted to say she's out but has texted her daughter to ask my dd to call me

I think she's in town so going to wait at the tram stop

DH is going absolutely mental...

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2021 20:04

Serious consequences are in order. The lying simply can't be tolerated.

FasterthanBolt · 30/10/2021 20:05

I would be calling her home. If the mum is acting vague and you are not happy with your dds explanation she needs to come home. Your need to keep her safe trumps everything

Original poster
jackstini · 30/10/2021 20:11

Agree serious consequences needed but still considering exactly what

Obviously grounding but for how long and where?
No sleepovers for ages obviously

Am thinking school only for a while, plus places we are going and she has to come with us

Then maybe the gym in a few weeks but I will take her and bring her back

Other thoughts??

She will be straight in the car if I catch her coming off the tram now and I will pick up her stuff tomorrow and go through her phone (I do this occasionally anyway, she's aware)

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 30/10/2021 20:13

In light of the previous lies and broken trust I think I would have spoken to the friends mum and asked to be informed if the girls went out. I would have explained dd was only allowed to sleepover if she wasn’t out wandering around town. Obviously it’s up to the other mum then if she’s happy to accept that.
Your dd needs to understand that as she keeps breaking the trust this means more and more strings are going to be attached to anything she wants to do.

SevenOldLadies · 30/10/2021 20:17

Is there a particular reason she isn’t allowed into town with a friend?

It would have been quite normal when I was that age and at a friend’s house to decide to go into town etc and then back to the house. Wouldn’t have thought of letting my parents know in advance (and they never said they had a problem with it, as I’d tend to say afterwards “had a nice time with Suzy, went into town and saw Joanne with Dave”)

bigbeatmanifesto · 30/10/2021 20:19

At 15 I was going all over my city by bus, train, and walking, I understand her lying is the problem but why is she not allowed out at 8pm on a Friday? Especially at Halloween id of been out with all of my friends and be so embarrassed if my my dragged me home.

Original poster
jackstini · 30/10/2021 20:20

I'm going to ask dd what she said to the Mum and then go and speak to her tomorrow I think when I get dd's stuff

Currently DH wants to go and get it and go mental at the parents

I am so completely pissed off with her as the first time we said the massive issue was the lying and she hated not seeing her friends

When I dropped her off today I reminded her she needs to tell us if she's going anywhere and send pics so cannot believe she has been so stupid and she is going to really regret it

Never really had any trouble up to now and she is a smart girl academically, but a bit naive...

OP posts:
Cascais · 30/10/2021 20:22

Send pics?

MissAmbrosia · 30/10/2021 20:22

Why is she feeling the need to lie about where she is? Is she actually doing things you would specifically not allow for a valid reason? It's really, really tough this stage. You have to let them go a little bit and talk a lot about why some things are OK and some things are not. I am really honest with my teenager that I am not trying to cramp her style but only care about her safety.

Whstdoyouthink · 30/10/2021 20:23

Oooo she shouldn’t be lying at all. However crikey me you do need to give her some freedom or she’ll rebel. You have phone locator/she needs to send you photos/she needs to tell you all her movements.

It’s a Saturday, surely her and her friend can head out till 8pm etc (without needing to send photos).

RedskyThisNight · 30/10/2021 20:25

@bigbeatmanifesto

At 15 I was going all over my city by bus, train, and walking, I understand her lying is the problem but why is she not allowed out at 8pm on a Friday? Especially at Halloween id of been out with all of my friends and be so embarrassed if my my dragged me home.
Yes, I agree with this. Why won't you let her do age appropriate things? Whilst I agree that the lying is not good, it's arisen because you are being overly strict.
Strangevipers · 30/10/2021 20:26

Op get what your saying

But look at the time it's still early.

Yes she shouldn't of lied but you didn't really give her much choice

traka · 30/10/2021 20:27

I love the posters that always have to pipe up and say when I was that age I was doing this.

Times have changed

furbabymama87 · 30/10/2021 20:27

Depends if she's out on the town or just meeting friends. I still wouldn't like the lying.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 30/10/2021 20:30

I have been in Manchester at about 6pm tonight( i say this because you mention the tram) .
It was full of people on drugs and drunks and crowds and it didnt feel safe. I wouldn't want my teenager to be there at 8 at night if i didn't know about it.

butmumineedit · 30/10/2021 20:31

If you and your Dh carry on being this strict with her , you will end up having no kind of relationship with her as she gets older .

She is nearly 16 - give her some freedom, she probably wants to be like her friends going out to parties having the odd drink etc.

I have 2 teenage Dds and have boundaries ie they can go to parties but I drop off and pick up -normally between midnight and 1am. But they have been known to call me earlier like 10pm if it looks like the party is getting out of hand .

Theimpossiblegirl · 30/10/2021 20:34

Saturday night is not a good time for young teens to be in the centre unsupervised. I'd be cross too.
It's so very well giving teens freedom but they still need to be kept safe and follow your rules.

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