Suitable punishment for lying about where she is

[jackstini]

Dd is 15 (16 in March)

Few weeks ago we had an issue with her being out in a city, then a park until about 11 then stayed at a friend's house, where we've let her stay before

Issue is she had told us she was at a different friend's and only admitted where she had been when really pushed (& I had screenshots of her phone location)

We grounded her for a couple of weeks (ended up being 3 as she caught Covid)

She's gone to a friend's tonight, for a Halloween sleepover. Her phone says she's there but a friend of mine thinks she's just seen her in a tram going into town

Not answering phone (although iPhone says it is at friend's house) Best friend not answering hers either. Mum at the house she's staying at not answering text

Ideas please on WWYD now...

It sounds like you're being pushed into being so over the top with your daughter to placate your husbands temper.

He wanted to go to the other girls parents house to go mad, who plans to go mad?

The other girls parents can probably see how overbearing you are and wanted to allow your 15 year old some normal freedom on their watch.

You will push your daughter away with this behaviour.

You would have said no if she'd asked, that much is clear.

Give her some space and say yes to more stuff. She's 15, not 5.

I think you're over strict.
15yr olds need to be with their peers. Loosen the reins a little.

"@WaltzingBetty are you the daughter by any chance or just absolutely insane?! It is @jackstini DD and it is up HER and her DH to set boundaries for their DD- NOT the mother of a friend!! Plenty of ADULTS get attacked/ harassed etc in town especially when people are out partying and drinking and you think it’s unreasonable for @jackstini to not want her 15 year old DD to be put in that situation?!"

Are you suggesting no one ever go out?

How is she every going to tell you about relationships with boys/girls? And you've shamed her mob handed in front of her friends and their parents.

In the next year or two or thee there will be alcohol at parties and all manner of other situations to deal with. Better to get the communications open before all of those shenanigans start.

Send pics?

Surely you can see the issue here and need to focus on building an open and honest relationship with your daughter. She's 15 not 5, she should be able to feel comfortable enough to tell you she's going into town with friends.

No wonder she's sneaking about if you're tracking her phone, screenshoting her location & running around town trying to apprehend her like lunatics.

Where will you draw the line? I had friends at school who would forge letters pretending they were from the school regarding school trips just so that they could attend a simple birthday party. What if she starts doing that?

If you carry on like this she will become more sneaky and you will drive her away to the point where she doesn't tell you any of her plans when she becomes of age to do as she pleases. Which FYI isn't long at all.

@MyMiserableEmployment

I have no idea how people on here are condoning 15 year old CHILDREN going into a busy town at that time of night on Halloween - without parental consent…

OP there is absolutely no harm nor reason to justify trying to keep your DD safe

Have you got teenagers? I'd probably have thought the same as you when mine were about ten. Five years ago I couldn't imagine my dd arranging to go to Alton Towers for the day and getting there and back under her own steam as she did yesterday.

The OP's dd is doing things 'without her consent' because she probably feels like she has no other option in order to do things with her friends.

What's your punishment and your husband's punishment OP for embarrassing your child and stopping her from having a sleepover on halloweeen aswel and after all this covid and is currently without a mobile phone so can't even speak with her friends who are still at the sleepover.

'Town centres on Halloween weekend not the place for teenagers'..

So who is it a place for?!

Sorry being flippant but fgs!

Was reading thread and thinking it was now- heading out 1030.

830? 8 sodding 30?! On a sat night? Nearly 16?!

'A big city centre at 8.30 on a Saturday night is probably not the best place for 15 year olds in cropped Halloween costumes though'

It's exactly the place for them. I mean FFS. What do you think is going to happen? Exactly.

They'll get totally drunk? Go clubbing? Rob a bank?

Yes I understand protective of course. However. You need to step back. Your suggested punishment is awful. She will despise you. Sorry but. Nearly 16. Mum turning up in town. 830. Stop her seeing friends make her spend time with you etc.

Don't you remember what teens are like?!

If I were her I'd be getting a cheap secret phone. Leaving one you track at mates. Lying and lying. I mean.

She's good. Well behaved studies.

She's out with a group at 830. I mean. Really?

You are massively overly strict and authoritarian.

My parents were exactly the same as yours, and it got to the point where I would lie about where I was all the time, because as a PP said, I associated doing normal teenage things like going into town or the cinema with feelings of shame and guilt. Now I do not have a functioning relationship with them and I wish I was closer to my parents, but that's long gone.

The other parents will also think that you have embarrassed your DD.

Why does she have to send pictures of where she is? If someone she was in a relationship with made her do that, do you think that would be okay? It isn't any better just because you're her parents.

I know you probably think you're keeping her safer this way but you won't be. She will learn to lie and not tell you where she is so much that if she is ever in a dangerous situation (and I obviously hope that she never is), that she'll be too scared or worried to tell you the truth because of her fears of what your punishment will be. That's from my experience anyway.

@NiceGerbil

If I were her I'd be getting a cheap secret phone. Leaving one you track at mates. Lying and lying. I mean.

She's good. Well behaved studies.

She's out with a group at 830. I mean. Really?

Yep.

OP haven't you seen typical TV shows of friends coordinating their lies and taking fake pictures to pretend as if they're at the location they've told the overbearing parents 😂😂

[quote MyMiserableEmployment]@meltingappointment

Absolutely irrelevant in my opinion!

You don’t stop being a parent because a child has gone for a sleepover…[/quote]

I didn't say anyone should stop being a parent

I think you're being way OTT and really invading her privacy.

You track her location on your phone.
You sound like you give her zero freedom.
You search her phone!?!?! She's nearly 16!
Waiting there when she gets of the tram is so embarrassing for her.

It wasn't late. She's with her mates. Whats the harm? When does it stop? 18? Stop stalking her and give her. But more freedom.
I could understand if she was 12...

You're grounding a 16 year old.

No wonder she is lying to you. If my parents were searching through my phone at that age I'd have gone mad.

She's lying because you're not giving her any rope to run with. She's literally getting no privacy.

You're pushing her away.

[quote Cascais]"**@WaltzingBetty* are you the daughter by any chance or just absolutely insane?! It is @jackstini DD and it is up HER and her DH to set boundaries for their DD- NOT the mother of a friend!! Plenty of ADULTS get attacked/ harassed etc in town especially when people are out partying and drinking and you think it’s unreasonable for @jackstini* to not want her 15 year old DD to be put in that situation?!"

Are you suggesting no one ever go out?[/quote]
Yes @Cascais that’s exactly what I said. 🙄 in town on a drunken Saturday night is not the place for a 15 year old.

I think you’re overreacting. Much better for her to feel able to ask you tell you where shes going. Then work our boundaries from there.

I think this is a bit much...I was going to nightclubs at 14! I would be pissed off at the lying but it sounds like you are not giving her enough freedom and trusting her to be responsible which is resulting in her lying to you!

The shops are open until 9pm. The town is literally a family show until they are closed.

You’re just going to lose your relationship with your child if you carry on like this. She’s 16! You’re treating her like she’s an 8 year old and it’s unbelievably creepy that you track her phone.

Also you read her messages and go through her phone? Such a breach of privacy at this age.

@jackstini

It's not about being in town or with the friends - she's been allowed to do this before

The issue is the lying and the fact she was on a sticky wicket anyway after lying last time

Quick update and then I will read all posts

She got off the tram with her friends and I was waiting and called her over. Was calm in front of the girls and the mum that had pulled in to pick them up but said she had to come home and we would get her stuff tomorrow. She was shitting herself that she'd been caught and didn't want to come home but did

DH did go mad at her for the lying and we have not decided punishment yet

She's upset and admitted she hadn't told us as she thought we'd say no - even after the conversation we had had saying she could go out as long as she told us

A big city centre at 8.30 on a Saturday night is probably not the best place for 15 year olds in cropped Halloween costumes though

She knows she properly shot herself in the foot.

The other girls mum was there to pick them up but Your dh went mental with her and you gave her an ultimatum to come home? That's mortifying op. My parents pulled similar stunts when i was a teen. I feel sorry for your dd. It sounds like she is scared of her parents. I think if you wish to have a decent relationship with her as she gets older both her parents really need to learn to chill.

Grounding doesn't work, as you've already learned.

So that's pointless.

You need to work put what your actual issue is and deal with it. Hopefully collaboratively with your child

Also you track her on her phone?