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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Suitable punishment for lying about where she is

256 replies

jackstini · 30/10/2021 19:21

Dd is 15 (16 in March)

Few weeks ago we had an issue with her being out in a city, then a park until about 11 then stayed at a friend's house, where we've let her stay before

Issue is she had told us she was at a different friend's and only admitted where she had been when really pushed (& I had screenshots of her phone location)

We grounded her for a couple of weeks (ended up being 3 as she caught Covid)

She's gone to a friend's tonight, for a Halloween sleepover. Her phone says she's there but a friend of mine thinks she's just seen her in a tram going into town

Not answering phone (although iPhone says it is at friend's house) Best friend not answering hers either. Mum at the house she's staying at not answering text

Ideas please on WWYD now...

OP posts:
Kintsugi16 · 30/10/2021 22:16

Your

mummymayhem18 · 30/10/2021 22:17

Blimey OP you need to realise that she's growing up. She's nearly 16 (same as my daughter) who is also staying at a friends house and having a Halloween party there. They haven't been out.
My ex husband is a bit like the both of you. He doesn't like her being out in the winter as it's dark. He'd let her out probably until about 7. The thing is you can't say well you can't go out in the winter until you're 18. That's ridiculous. Admittedly they shouldn't be out on there own in the dark but with a group of people then I think it's ok.

WaltzingBetty · 30/10/2021 22:17

@jackstini

It's not about being in town or with the friends - she's been allowed to do this before

The issue is the lying and the fact she was on a sticky wicket anyway after lying last time

Quick update and then I will read all posts

She got off the tram with her friends and I was waiting and called her over. Was calm in front of the girls and the mum that had pulled in to pick them up but said she had to come home and we would get her stuff tomorrow. She was shitting herself that she'd been caught and didn't want to come home but did

DH did go mad at her for the lying and we have not decided punishment yet

She's upset and admitted she hadn't told us as she thought we'd say no - even after the conversation we had had saying she could go out as long as she told us

A big city centre at 8.30 on a Saturday night is probably not the best place for 15 year olds in cropped Halloween costumes though

She knows she properly shot herself in the foot.

I'd be more worried that despite your 'reassurances' your teen is too afraid to tell you the truth.

I get the impression you rDH is a domineering authoritarian from your posts.
That's dangerous for a teen girl.

Unless of course you want her to learn that bullying domineering men should be able to limit her own judgement?

MaryBoBary · 30/10/2021 22:17

How odd to be stood waiting for her, driving round McDonald's and asking for pictures of where she is. She will only lie more to you if you don't give her some freedom. I NEVER told my parents where I was actually going because they would ALWAYS say no. A party at a friends house, a shopping trip or overnight trip somewhere etc. I couldn't wait to get out of that house and never have to tell them what I was doing again. As a parent myself I will never do that to my child. Because it breeds resentment and will discourage her from ever being honest with you or confiding in you. Give her a break and find something else to occupy yourself with other than stalking your daughter.

meltingappointment · 30/10/2021 22:18

She went for a sleepover with friends, they went into town and got picked up by one of the mums. Sounds bloody normal to me Confused

RitaTheBeater · 30/10/2021 22:20

I agree that you should be asking less questions about ideas for punishments and more about what you are going to do about finding out why she is continually lying to you.

I've two teen dds and where we live it would not be at all safe to go the city at 15 on a Saturday night in the dark. So I try to facilitate helping them to have a social life as much as I can and I try to say yes as much as possible.

WaltzingBetty · 30/10/2021 22:20

@FATEdestiny

So the mum of the sleepover family knew they'd gone to town and had organised to collect them from the tram stop?
Yep. There was a responsible parent aware of their activity.

But OP and DH had to monitor their daughter, stalk her whereabouts and catch her out so that they could punish her for 'lying'

I think some parental self reflection is needed here.
I doubt there'll be any

Kintsugi16 · 30/10/2021 22:22

So has your DD missed out on the sleepover?

How embarrassing for all of you

NichyNoo · 30/10/2021 22:25

How do you think you and DH would’ve parented in the 1990s pre mobile phones and when violence rates were higher than now (just less publicised)? Of course she will be out and about in town if she’s nearly 16. You need to set a suitable curfew and give her some leeway otherwise she’ll hit 18 and leave home/go to uni and go off the rails.

GreenClock · 30/10/2021 22:25

Please give some serious thought to the majority of responses on this thread OP.

You don’t want her heading off to university and going off the rails because she’s high on freedom.

Your husband sounds a bit overbearing. You sound more measured despite the histrionic thread title. I think you’ll have to be the one to sort this out.

It’s so tough being the parent of teens - they can be a worry - but part of the job is to foster independence.

QueenAdreena · 30/10/2021 22:27

My parents were like you OP. It pushed me into lying because they allowed me no freedom and were incredibly controlling. They would try the ‘if you just tell us the truth then you can do x, y, z’ but it was bullshit, because any time I tried being honest, they ALWAYS said no. It wasn’t about being honest or truthful, it was just about them controlling my every move.

To cut a long story short, I moved out at 16. It was the only way I could get the space I needed to grow up. My parents pushed me to it and our relationship has never recovered. I wasn’t badly behaved, I didn’t do anything illegal, I just wanted to be normal and exercise a bit of independence.

YukoandHiro · 30/10/2021 22:27

Don't go mental at the parents. The parents probably have no idea you haven't agreed to it. As a teen I did this: stayed at more liberal parents' house, went out into town but friend's parents would know where we actually were (for security), but my parents would think I was just hanging at her house. No phone locator then of course...
Are you super strict? It so she's finding ways around this and will continue to do so

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 22:27

She got off the tram with her friends and I was waiting and called her over. Was calm in front of the girls and the mum that had pulled in to pick them up but said she had to come home and we would get her stuff tomorrow. She was shitting herself that she'd been caught and didn't want to come home but did. DH did go mad at her for the lying and we have not decided punishment yet. She's upset and admitted she hadn't told us as she thought we'd say no - even after the conversation we had had saying she could go out as long as she told us. A big city centre at 8.30 on a Saturday night is probably not the best place for 15 year olds in cropped Halloween costumes though. She knows she properly shot herself in the foot.

With respect OP, I think you and your DH are shooting yourselves in the foot here. You have massively overreacted by driving there and in front of her friends and another parent forcing your DD home. It will be plainly obvious to all that your DD is “in trouble” for a perfectly normal teen activity. Furthermore, how will you explain to the sleepover parents? Are you going to say “you endangered our DD by letting her go to town for Saturday evening?” (As in you are terrible parents and we don’t trust you?)

So very embarrassing behaviour on your part. Poor kid.

OrionsAccessory · 30/10/2021 22:28

Your behaviour is causing her to be less safe. She went out without her phone so you couldn’t track her, if she’d been separated from her friends she wouldn’t have been able to easily contact them. If she had taken her phone with her and felt unsafe or there had been a fall out or something then who would she call for help? It’d have to be pretty bad before she’d risk calling the parents that “go nuclear” and impose weeks of punishments. Teens do take risks and don’t always have the best judgement but actually they want to keep themselves safe too, so start working together, you’re on the same team.

Marmelace · 30/10/2021 22:29

You describe your daughter as 'shitting herself!', your daughter as going mad at her and still needing punishing, it's hardly surprising she doesn't tell you what she is doing. She is going to run as soon as she is old enough.

TupilaLilium · 30/10/2021 22:29

We had this with DS15

I made a big song and dance about trust and why won’t he talk to me? I gave him a 7pm curfew except I would collect him at 10pm on Saturday if he took a one hour walk with me during the week to normalise conversation. He hated it. We did it for a month. He is now a very good communicator and I try not to freak out about drinking.

No sleepovers though. He asked this week and it was a hard no based on previous lying.

Marmelace · 30/10/2021 22:29

Do not husband

Marmelace · 30/10/2021 22:30

Dh not daughter ffs

KateTheEighth · 30/10/2021 22:31

Agree with many other posters

All teens fib, particularly when their own parents are on their case (spying on them/controlling)

Her friend's parents were her safety net and would have made sure she was safe

That's ruined now

YukoandHiro · 30/10/2021 22:32

Those who are saying she will run, it's true. I left for uni 2 months after turning 18 and have never stayed longer than 5 nights since with my parents until last Xmas when my whole family (DH and 2 children) got stuck there due to lockdown 3. That was hard.

Give her some rope or you're going to tie your family up in knots OP

MyMiserableEmployment · 30/10/2021 22:33

I have no idea how people on here are condoning 15 year old CHILDREN going into a busy town at that time of night on Halloween - without parental consent…

OP there is absolutely no harm nor reason to justify trying to keep your DD safe

meltingappointment · 30/10/2021 22:35

@MyMiserableEmployment

I have no idea how people on here are condoning 15 year old CHILDREN going into a busy town at that time of night on Halloween - without parental consent…

OP there is absolutely no harm nor reason to justify trying to keep your DD safe

It's because when your CHILD goes to a sleepover the other parents act on your behalf.

This mum knew where they were and collected them from a the tram.

Sidehustle99 · 30/10/2021 22:35

Lying is usually a symptom of shame. She's lying because all of her friends have trusting parents that have allowed them out into town and have picked them up as agreed.

She rightly thinks that you do not trust her and so she has not trusted you with the truth.

If you don't want your daughter to lie to you then you really need to let her do some age appropriate things with her friends.

What will you do when she leave for Uni aged 18?

The punishment of grounding got 3 weeks the last time was very harsh. She's taken a risk doing it again knowing how hard line you are. She obviously thought it was worth the consequences to have some Halloween fun with her friends.

I suggest going forward you work on trusting your daughter so she doesn't need to lie to you and save you from your own anguish. If you don't you will end up with a battle on your hands and it's always wise to pick your fights carefully.

NotaCoolMum · 30/10/2021 22:37

“Yep. There was a responsible parent aware of their activity.

But OP and DH had to monitor their daughter, stalk her whereabouts and catch her out so that they could punish her for 'lying'

I think some parental self reflection is needed here.
I doubt there'll be any”

@WaltzingBetty are you the daughter by any chance or just absolutely insane?! It is @jackstini DD and it is up HER and her DH to set boundaries for their DD- NOT the mother of a friend!! Plenty of ADULTS get attacked/ harassed etc in town especially when people are out partying and drinking and you think it’s unreasonable for @jackstini to not want her 15 year old DD to be put in that situation?!

MyMiserableEmployment · 30/10/2021 22:38

@meltingappointment

Absolutely irrelevant in my opinion!

You don’t stop being a parent because a child has gone for a sleepover…

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