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Teenagers

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Original poster

Suitable punishment for lying about where she is

256 replies

jackstini · 30/10/2021 19:21

Dd is 15 (16 in March)

Few weeks ago we had an issue with her being out in a city, then a park until about 11 then stayed at a friend's house, where we've let her stay before

Issue is she had told us she was at a different friend's and only admitted where she had been when really pushed (& I had screenshots of her phone location)

We grounded her for a couple of weeks (ended up being 3 as she caught Covid)

She's gone to a friend's tonight, for a Halloween sleepover. Her phone says she's there but a friend of mine thinks she's just seen her in a tram going into town

Not answering phone (although iPhone says it is at friend's house) Best friend not answering hers either. Mum at the house she's staying at not answering text

Ideas please on WWYD now...

OP posts:
BiLuminous · 30/10/2021 23:37

So you're saying city centre on a busy, dark Saturday night at 8:30 wearing what she had on wasnt great, right? But you're saying you'd have let her go if she'd have said?

I'm not sure I believe you.

Strangevipers · 30/10/2021 23:37

"She has never asked to go to a party - which surprised me. She has said tonight she has been invited but she hasn't asked because she thought we'd say no. I would have been quite happy for her to go and give lifts etc!"

Op look what she has said to you. She has literally told you she misses out on being a teenager and doing fun things with her friends because you will say no she does t even bother asking.

It's a shame you don't have a trusting relationship with her but here is still time

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 30/10/2021 23:39

Those of you who think it is appropriate to be in a city centre at 8p on a Saturday night at 15, what activities do you think are available?
On a Saturday night the pubs and clubs are heaving....here people are headi ng out really early like 4 or 5pm.
The streets are full of beered up adults. What is safe or age appropriate about that?

saraclara · 30/10/2021 23:39

@user1000000000009

Leave her be op. It was 8.30 on a Saturday night. I don't know any teenager that has to be in for 7pm on a weekend.

You're too strict. She was being collected by another parent after having a good day in town.

You're pushing her away. Your behaviour is a bit much with the going to McDonald's and sitting at the tram station waiting.

That. I was far from a permissive parent, but there was nothing that she did this evening, with her friends, that I wouldn't have let mine do. The fact that she knew she wouldn't be allowed to do something that the vast majority of 16 year olds can do, is what's led to this.

If she'd been out at 11 you'd have had a point. But this is nothing. They were out during normal shopping time, and even arranged to be picked up by the host parent.

I cringed when I read about you going to MacDonalds to prove her lie. Then meeting her off the tram and refusing to let her stay with her friends as planned. How absolutely mortifying for her. And you are going to be the talk of the parents too. They'll think you're nuts (and a bit creepy if they hear about the MacDonalds thing)

saraclara · 30/10/2021 23:42

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Those of you who think it is appropriate to be in a city centre at 8p on a Saturday night at 15, what activities do you think are available? On a Saturday night the pubs and clubs are heaving....here people are headi ng out really early like 4 or 5pm. The streets are full of beered up adults. What is safe or age appropriate about that?
I know what a city centre is like at 8pm at night. Why on earth do you think people posting on this thread don't?

It's not threatening, and she was with a group.

Cascais · 30/10/2021 23:43

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Those of you who think it is appropriate to be in a city centre at 8p on a Saturday night at 15, what activities do you think are available? On a Saturday night the pubs and clubs are heaving....here people are headi ng out really early like 4 or 5pm. The streets are full of beered up adults. What is safe or age appropriate about that?
Cinema, shops, bowling, restaurants....
Shitfuckcommaetc · 30/10/2021 23:43

I think you've really shot yourself in the foot here, and honestly I feel really sorry for your DD.
They'd been out, not late, stayed together and arranged a lift home. I can't see a single thing wrong with any of that.
You're posting here trying to justify your response to her behaviour! Yea she lied. But fuck me, it doesn't look like she has much choice if she wants a life!

TrainspottingWelsh · 30/10/2021 23:43

Her judgement is off because she hasn't had the opportunity to experience normal freedom.
My dc are 17 & 20 and I can honestly say it isn't your ott rules that will keep her safe. You can either treat her like a 15yr old, and let her learn in a safe, age appropriate way. Or you can hope her friends have a parent they can call for help when they need it.

I'm sure my dc have had peers with parents that thought we were overly permissive. I'm also entirely aware of exactly what their dc were up to, usually something far more dangerous than anything mine were.

user1000000000009 · 30/10/2021 23:44

If you want her to be honest you're going the wrong way about it.

She made a mistake and was grounded for 2 weeks. She's a teenager, she's going to make mistakes. She's already trying to be sneakier because of how you handled it the first time.

I wouldn't ground her, she's nearly an adult. Tell her you're disappointed and that you just want her to check in with you when she's out. Don't look for her/track her/send several texts/contact her friends.

You don't trust her and you were trying to catch her out instead of waiting until she came home tomorrow and you spoke to her face to face about it. You were just as sneaky.

She's already said she doesn't ask you because she expects you to say no. That should speak volumes to you.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 23:50

I agree you can’t punish someone into being honest with you.

I think your DH and you are being too strict with her because she is afraid to ask you to go to a party as well as your overreactions of hunting her down, tracking her phone, requiring she call and ask permission even to go to a corner shop and buy a snack.

I think humiliating her in front of her friends and another parent and pulling her out of the sleepover is more than enough punishment because you and your DH have pushed her to lie and not keep you informed. I also do not believe you would have allowed her out with her friends if she had asked.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 23:52

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Those of you who think it is appropriate to be in a city centre at 8p on a Saturday night at 15, what activities do you think are available? On a Saturday night the pubs and clubs are heaving....here people are headi ng out really early like 4 or 5pm. The streets are full of beered up adults. What is safe or age appropriate about that?
My DCs went to plays and shows with friends at that age in Paris. The shows would start around 7pm and end around 10pm and they’d take train back. No city centre is wall to wall with drunk adults like mobs of deadly zombies.
TrainspottingWelsh · 30/10/2021 23:53

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow
I think most of us are assuming op is in the uk. The streets of our cities aren't heaving with pissed up people staggering into clubs in the early evening. I'm willing to be corrected if it turns out op lives in 2005 in an 18-30's resort.

OppsUpsSide · 30/10/2021 23:54

I think humiliating her in front of her friends and another parent and pulling her out of the sleepover is more than enough punishment

Agree, especially in the circumstances you’ve related. The other girls mum was there ready to collect them, your daughter was perfectly safe. You’ve embarrassed, shamed and punished her already.

bigbeatmanifesto · 30/10/2021 23:54

Sorry I keep saying Friday, it's a Saturday, makes no difference to me though, shops, cinema, food, lights being switched on, Halloween events, etc plenty to do in town centres,
I'm in Liverpool and would regularly be in the city centre at 15 which also wasn't so long ago,
She's lying now because of your strictness if she has a locator on her phone, she would of kept her phone on her but you have made her feel like she's persecuted for being out with her friends so much so she lied and kept her phone at her friends house so she could go and enjoy herself, honestly I think your DH needs to calm down, and you should talk with your DD openly and honestly about her safety being the reason you have reacted this way but in future being in contact and letting her have some freedom might work better for you all.

MangoIce · 30/10/2021 23:56

Get rid of the location tracker. It’s creepy. If you don’t trust and respect her then she won’t trust or respect you. She will just get better at lying.

saraclara · 30/10/2021 23:57

@OppsUpsSide

I think humiliating her in front of her friends and another parent and pulling her out of the sleepover is more than enough punishment

Agree, especially in the circumstances you’ve related. The other girls mum was there ready to collect them, your daughter was perfectly safe. You’ve embarrassed, shamed and punished her already.

Absolutely. There's little you could do to punish her that could be worse.

I feel really sorry for her. I hope her friends are good ones, because of they're not, she is really going to pay for this when it gets round at school.

tigerinyourtank · 31/10/2021 00:02

OP has probably taken in all your opinions now and this isn't AIBU, maybe stop attacking her for caring about where her child is? You've said your piece.

OppsUpsSide · 31/10/2021 00:05

You've said your piece.

The collective you? We are all individuals and OP did ask for opinions.

tigerinyourtank · 31/10/2021 00:14

@OppsUpsSide

You've said your piece.

The collective you? We are all individuals and OP did ask for opinions.

Yep, the collective 'you'.

She's gone. Nothing more to say now, is there?

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 31/10/2021 00:14

[quote TrainspottingWelsh]@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow
I think most of us are assuming op is in the uk. The streets of our cities aren't heaving with pissed up people staggering into clubs in the early evening. I'm willing to be corrected if it turns out op lives in 2005 in an 18-30's resort.[/quote]
The op mentions a tram which makes me think Manchester might be the city she is talking about. I was in Manchester tonight earlier than 8pm and there were LOADS of drunks on the street already plus people obviously under the influence of spice.

It didn't feel safe at all.
That is my experience and opinion.

OppsUpsSide · 31/10/2021 00:17

She's gone. Nothing more to say now, is there?

Oh, OK.

TrainspottingWelsh · 31/10/2021 00:19

@tigerinyourtank nobody is attacking op. Individuals are pointing out that it's unfair to her dd and counterproductive.
If somebody posted in parenting they kept their toddler strapped in a pushchair at the park because they thought slides were too risky, and punished them if they wanted to play, you wouldn't expect anyone with experience of toddlers to agree it was reasonable and they were being responsible about their child's safety. This is no different.

tigerinyourtank · 31/10/2021 00:21

[quote TrainspottingWelsh]@tigerinyourtank nobody is attacking op. Individuals are pointing out that it's unfair to her dd and counterproductive.
If somebody posted in parenting they kept their toddler strapped in a pushchair at the park because they thought slides were too risky, and punished them if they wanted to play, you wouldn't expect anyone with experience of toddlers to agree it was reasonable and they were being responsible about their child's safety. This is no different.[/quote]
But she's gone. And on and on and on you all go with seemingly no self awareness.

Maybe time to stop given she hasn't responded for several pages? Just a thought for those of you who enjoy screaming into a void.

FATEdestiny · 31/10/2021 00:26

The op mentions a tram which makes me think Manchester might be the city she is talking about.

Nottingham has a tram system too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2021 00:26

@tigerinyourtank
Wtf are you talking about? Op said she would read the thread tomorrow. She last posted less than an hour ago. She hasn’t gone. She’s gone to bed.