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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Suitable punishment for lying about where she is

256 replies

jackstini · 30/10/2021 19:21

Dd is 15 (16 in March)

Few weeks ago we had an issue with her being out in a city, then a park until about 11 then stayed at a friend's house, where we've let her stay before

Issue is she had told us she was at a different friend's and only admitted where she had been when really pushed (& I had screenshots of her phone location)

We grounded her for a couple of weeks (ended up being 3 as she caught Covid)

She's gone to a friend's tonight, for a Halloween sleepover. Her phone says she's there but a friend of mine thinks she's just seen her in a tram going into town

Not answering phone (although iPhone says it is at friend's house) Best friend not answering hers either. Mum at the house she's staying at not answering text

Ideas please on WWYD now...

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 30/10/2021 20:34

So you have a smart, generally good kid who has recently resorted to hiding things from you and your response is not to wonder why but to go nuclear @jackstini ?

How strict are you and DH generally?
Is she lying because you're giving her no freedom? Is she naive because she's been overprotected?

In a couple of years she'll be essentially adult, how are you supporting her in developing independence and becoming an adult ?

bigbeatmanifesto · 30/10/2021 20:38

@traka yes times have changed, we're a lot more connected, she has a locator on her phone, cctv is absolutely everywhere and teens are much wiser and in tune with their surroundings.

DoubleShotEspresso · 30/10/2021 20:40

Oh this sounds infuriating OP honestly. Town centres on Halloween weekend not the place for teenagers - just trouble seeking a destination.

Hope you manage to track her down and bring her home. Lots of chat tomorrow, the lying is what would be bother me the most and the lack of responsibility.

Yes I guess grounding for now and no further sleepovers obviously for a strong while. You can then work on better boundaries, agreed timings and which places are appropriate through mutual discussion, but she will need to understand some trust needs building here. I would be so worried and annoyed, i hope you're okay OP. X

TravelLost · 30/10/2021 21:00

@Strangevipers

Op get what your saying

But look at the time it's still early.

Yes she shouldn't of lied but you didn't really give her much choice

Why did the OP not give her much choice? Nowhere did the OP says that her dd couldn’t be in town etc… just that she was expecting no lying about where she was. Thé issue is that someone saw her dd somewhere else. Which is the issue….
TravelLost · 30/10/2021 21:02

There is also the issue of having planned to leave the phone at her friend’s.
Which means the dd is in town with no mean to call fir help if she needs/take a taxi etc….

I’d that in itself, is dangerous behaviour.

Strangevipers · 30/10/2021 21:23

@*TravelLost

"Why did the OP not give her much choice? Nowhere did the OP says that her dd couldn’t be in town etc… just that she was expecting no lying about where she was.
*Thé issue is that someone saw her dd somewhere else. Which is the issue…."

If OP let her DC do age appropriate things like go to town, then her DC would of said today she is going to town. And by OPs and husbands reaction and suggestion of punishment after punishment it's clear DC isn't allowed to go to town this did not say she was going this felt the need to lie Hmm

If you want an argument have a go at one of the other posters saying the same thing. I gave my opinion and you Alsace given yours

FATEdestiny · 30/10/2021 21:35

Was she on the tram op?

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 21:37

I think similar to @WaltzingBetty

You have a DD who is doing the work academically and is almost 16. I think you may be over protecting her because I can’t understand why she would lie about her location or leave her phone and tracker behind unless she’s going out where you would automatically forbid her to go?

There is more to this than wanting to know where she is at all times, you want her to only go where/when you give permission.

Kintsugi16 · 30/10/2021 21:41

@Cascais

Turn off phone locator
This

I can’t imagine how I would feel if my parents did this and would never ‘track’ my own DC.

I’m surprised she hasn’t turned it off tbh

ladygracie · 30/10/2021 21:42

I am also wondering why she lies. Do you remember being her age? If you go nuclear at her in front of her friends that will be very damaging for your relationship. Also why does your DH want to go nuclear at the parents? They will only know what they have been told surely?

Mummapenguin20 · 30/10/2021 21:46

Id wait till shes home

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 30/10/2021 21:48

I'm veering between is this :

A rebellious teen sticking it to the parents

Or parents so ridiculously strict and controlling that other kids parents feel sorry enough for them to help them have fun.

This could actually be either

Your DH "going nuclear" because she's not in the right McDonalds sounds really aggressive and weird

BendingSpoons · 30/10/2021 21:54

Grounding her for weeks sounds over the top to me. Why did she not feel she could tell you she was going into town? And why would she have to send you pictures? To prove where she is?

Original poster
jackstini · 30/10/2021 21:56

It's not about being in town or with the friends - she's been allowed to do this before

The issue is the lying and the fact she was on a sticky wicket anyway after lying last time

Quick update and then I will read all posts

She got off the tram with her friends and I was waiting and called her over. Was calm in front of the girls and the mum that had pulled in to pick them up but said she had to come home and we would get her stuff tomorrow. She was shitting herself that she'd been caught and didn't want to come home but did

DH did go mad at her for the lying and we have not decided punishment yet

She's upset and admitted she hadn't told us as she thought we'd say no - even after the conversation we had had saying she could go out as long as she told us

A big city centre at 8.30 on a Saturday night is probably not the best place for 15 year olds in cropped Halloween costumes though

She knows she properly shot herself in the foot.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 30/10/2021 21:59

So the mum of the sleepover family knew they'd gone to town and had organised to collect them from the tram stop?

MangoIce · 30/10/2021 22:01

I’m so glad I grew up when tracking children’s phones and locations wasn’t a thing. I never felt the need to rebel because my parents weren’t controlling. When I was at secondary school, I found that the kids with the strictest parents were the ones who were super sneaky and lied to their parents.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 30/10/2021 22:05

You have majorly overreacted and she sounds like a good kid

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/10/2021 22:07

But she hasn’t lied about where she is this time? She simply failed to ask permission to go with her sleepover friends into town for Halloween?

You can’t punish her for lying, as she has not lied.

I honestly think you’re being too strict and over limiting her freedom. I don’t think you can hand on heart say you would have given her permission to go out if she had asked like you day you would because you said :
A big city centre at 8.30 on a Saturday night is probably not the best place for 15 year olds in cropped Halloween costumes though

You would have said no, wouldn’t you?

This is why she is not asking for permission. Because she knows you will actually say no.

maddiemookins16mum · 30/10/2021 22:08

I thought you were going to say she was 12 not nearly 16.
I honestly think some compromise is needed.

SpeedRunParent · 30/10/2021 22:09

@WaltzingBetty

I have to agree with you, I am not a particularly permissive parent but I recognise a classic parent / teen misunderstanding here. OP needs to think carefully about how they handle this if they want an ongoing close relationship with this soon-to-be young adult. Going nuclear is absolutely the wrong option.

TrainspottingWelsh · 30/10/2021 22:10

I would be more concerned with why she was lying.
From your posts the answer appears to be because you are giving her little choice. My advice would be to sit down and talk to her, and agree that in future you won't impose ridiculous limits or rules, or stalk her, and she'll be allowed age appropriate freedom. In return you expect her to keep you informed of her whereabouts within reason.

lovelychops · 30/10/2021 22:11

I think you're massively over reacting and if you continue to be this strict you are pushing her away. Your DH sounds much worse.
I understand you were worried, but the locator on the phone and driving to meet her are all way too much.
I'm not surprised she doesn't feel she can tell you the truth.

Kintsugi16 · 30/10/2021 22:12

You are pushing your daughter away

This will not end well unless you work with her and not against her.

Kintsugi16 · 30/10/2021 22:15

You’re title asks ‘suitable punishment’

I suspect she will find a suitable way to punish you

Ducksurprise · 30/10/2021 22:15

I'm forever jumped on for saying tracking a teen only leads to them leaving their phones at the allowed place. Those that support tracking say no teen leaves their phone and I have no idea. However This happens all the time. Tracking phones does not keep your child safe, it does not build trust it just ends up with your child being in an uncomfortable situation without their phone.